Name: Bill Burr - Tom Brady May Be Suspended
Uploaded: 2015-05-12T14:43:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tom Brady May Be Suspended' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tom Brady May Be Suspended' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Yeah, on the Thursday afternoon podcast, Monday morning podcast, just before
Thursday, I was ranting about the Tom Brady thing, which I cannot believe they're
actually going to take the rumor is he's going to get suspended for two games
for pure speculation.
I love all you guys, too, that show those text messages like that's damning
information.
I can't tell what they're talking about definitively, and neither can you.
All of this would be laughed out of court.
But the thing is, this isn't a court.
It's a corporation.
And what they really what corporations really give a shit about is the opinion
of the base level mouth breathing fucking moron, because that's the guy you get
the most fucking money out of.
That's the dope that shows up to the game dressed, wearing everything but
helmets and cleats, goes down to the pro shop and buys all the stuff and paints
his fucking face.
Moron, fucking mom, the fucking biggest fan.
Oh, look at me.
I'm a fireman.
Put me on your shoulders.
Even he fucking woke up.
Even he woke up after a while.
So this is fucking stupid.
It's not worth it.
But those are the people.
Those are the same people that call in sports talk radio and all that.
The fucking NFL is going to base.
Maybe he could have probably.
But we can't prove it.
Report is they're going to base the suspension on the crowd's reaction.
The base level mouth breathing moron.
So basically, if you make enough fucking noise, they're going to suspend this
guy.
For absolutely fucking nothing.
You know, I don't know if he knew.
I don't know if he didn't know.
And that's the same.
Everybody can say the same thing.
But I can tell you this.
What he what he did, if he even fucking knew is the it's the equivalent of
fucking.
He played with a hockey stick with too big a curve on it for about a period and
a half.
And then after that, with a regulation stick, scored 50 fucking goals.
But you're going to be like, oh, no, no.
Fuck his whole career.
And all that comes down to is you fucking cunts hate the Patriots and you hate
the fact that
they're fucking winning.
It's the dumbest shit ever.
And I'll tell you this, though, but if this is what you're going to do, if this
is if this
is the standard that you want, OK, I will go with it.
And you can call Brady a cheater and the Patriots a cheater.
But then we're going to go through the whole fucking league.
And this is just the shit that I know, because I got shit from some fucking Steeler
fan.
Right.
And I'm like, really?
Well, if we're just going to go on circumstantial evidence, you have a sex offender
at the QB
position, two time sex offender that we know of.
At the QB position and also Terry Bradshaw admitted to doing steroids along
with a bunch
of other Steelers in the 70s.
So you're no longer Sixberg.
You're fucking two time, two time, two time sex offender, two time Super Bowl
champion
Berg.
You want that?
What about Jerry Rice, who admitted after his career that he used to stick him?
That wasn't quite legal.
It wasn't fucking legal.
So there you go.
What did he win?
Three titles with the 49ers.
Those are out.
And the 49ers are all cheaters.
You can go around the fucking league.
There's this shit in the league that you don't even fucking.
There's been no evidence.
You know why there's no evidence is because the other team that lost was never
such a fucking
pussy like Jim Irsay that they launched an investigation.
Do you think that you can't do this to every fucking team on every game if you
looked under
every fucking jockstrap?
You wouldn't find something.
Let's look at the Dallas Cowboys in the early 90s.
Their head coach was Jimmy Johnson.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Jimmy Johnson from the University of fucking Miami.
Okay, basically a low security federal fucking prison.
That's what their football program was when he was running it.
Then he goes to the Dallas Cowboys, a.k.a. a coke den slash whorehouse of a
fucking franchise.
Their owner has a facelift.
His face is a lie.
His face is cheating right out of the gate.
The first thing you fucking you're telling me if you didn't look under a couple
of those
cheerleaders skirts, you wouldn't have found something.
Give me a fucking break.
I'll tell you, right.
If this guy gets fucking suspended, this is an absolute goddamn fucking travesty
that
you're going to do this tar and feather, one of the greatest quarterbacks of
all time
and arguably the greatest head coach of all time with this cunty fucking pussy
shit.
I can't I I don't even I think I won't watch professional football.
I'm just going to watch college football this year if this is what happens.
If because of a bunch of fucking sore losers and mouth breathing fucking morons
complain
enough, I swear to God, I really think it's because all that Ray Rice shit.
You know what I mean?
Oh, they didn't get it right.
We got to get it right.
Ray Rice knocks out his fiancee and the guy.
All right, two two games, two game suspension.
Why don't you cool it out there?
You know, you know, come on, man.
We can't have this.
We can't.
You know, they fucking talk to him like Henry Hill when he had his goom are,
you know,
they came over.
Come on.
You got to go back to your wife.
OK, we can't have this.
This is ridiculous.
All right.
Come on.
You can't be staying over here.
You got to go back to Karen.
That's how they treated him.
Right.
Then all of a sudden the video came out and they were like, oh, wait a minute.
We we meant we don't tolerate that and get out of the league.
Get out of the league because we're so fucking pure.
Right.
It's all fucking bullshit.
It's all bullshit.
Right.
And then fucking then what happens is goddamn fiancee who should have left the
guy.
You know, that's probably that's probably grounds to be like, you know, this
really isn't what
I'm looking for in a relationship.
She goes, but she forgives the guy.
Why does she forgive him?
Because he gave the apology of the fucking universe because he makes a zillion
dollars
a fucking year.
Do you think of Ray Rice, who's working at Midas Muffler, the forgiveness
happens?
I don't think it does.
Coming home every day smelling like fucking exhaust.
I don't think it does.
It's all bullshit.
That stupid pink shit that they're making a zillion dollars off of.
You guys go out and buy that fucking those pink jersey and you think you're
helping out
because your grandmother died of fucking breast cancer and you find that like
one half or
one half or one fucking percent actually goes to the cause to raise awareness,
not even
to fight the disease.
And the rest goes into these fucking owners pockets.
Do you see that shit about the troops whenever they advertise with the fucking
the flag and
all that?
You're thinking, wow, the NFL supporting the troops.
The military's got to pay for that.
You guys are talking about a cunt hair out of a fucking ball.
Somebody said this weekend said if he actually did it, he should have just said
like, yeah,
man, I like that's what the fuck I like him at.
Gives me a little better feel, you know.
I don't think it was that big a deal.
And then you combine that with the fact that ESPN did the study and showed it
was actually
a disadvantage.
And you combine it with the fact that when he had the regulation fucking ball,
he scored
he fucking killed him even worse.
It's a fucking witch hunt.
You're tar and feather in this guy.
And you know what, go ahead and fucking do it, because that's what sports fans
do.
It's like New York sports fans.
New York sports fans, you know, all they bring up when they talk to Boston fans
are the two
giant victories over the Patriots.
Oh, you couldn't beat the Giants, though.
They're still bringing that shit up.
You know, it's like I don't even bring up the fucking 0-4 Yankees.
Do I do that?
Do I bring up, you know, oh, the fucking Celtics got 17 championships.
Do I fucking, the only time I ever do that is if a Knicks fan comes up to me
and gives
me fucking shit.
Fucking New York fans sitting there ignoring, hanging their hats on two fucking
wins and
fucking ignoring the absolute carnage, the roadkill, the sports roadkill of the
other
fucking eight teams.
The other eight teams in your fucking state, roadkill, fucking roadkill to the
point they
shouldn't even be in a fucking league.
Horrific.
Absolutely fucking horrific.
And even your crown jewel, the Yankees, they blew a three games to none leagues.
Even they got a fucking big splooch of mud in their face.
Fucking unreal.
I'm fucking real.
I got to listen to Verzi all fucking week this week, talking about how, telling
Boston
fans how the fucking Giants beat the fucking Patriots.
It's just like, really?
Are we still talking about the fucking whatever?
Hey, you know what?
Good for you.
Good on you.
Did you win two?
Well, we won four.
While winning three World Series, a Stanley Cup, and an NBA championship with
four teams.
I will take that.
I'll take those two losses all fucking day long.
All day long.
But anyway, so this past Thursday, so I was fucking ragging about this Brady
shit as I just,
as I just did.
And I don't want to hear anybody giving me any shit about that.
I continue to talk about this because you cunts are continuing to talk about it
on the other
side.
Towering Feathering, my fucking guy.
So I'm going to stick up for him here.
For a cunt hair of a fucking unbelievable.
Who the fuck weighs the balls?
Can you guys just set aside your hatred for the Patriots?
Can you just set that aside and then just sit there and on any fucking level as
a fucking
man admit to what the level of crybaby horse shit that that is?
Fucking believable.
Un-fucking believable.
I'm trying to think of anybody that throws a ball that doesn't doctor it.
Every fucking pitcher does.
Every quarterback does.
They scuff him up.
They do all kinds of fucking shit to get him where they like it.
Little fucking, little English on the goddamn ball.
They all fucking do it.
Every goddamn one of them has got a fucking ritual of how they like their
football.
Do you honestly think that the reason why you didn't make it to the NFL was
because the
ball wasn't fully inflated?
Dude, the next time you play a pickup game, why don't you let a little bit of
air out of
the ball and all of a sudden it'll magically go everywhere where you fucking
want it to go.
You'll be throwing like Tom Brady.
It doesn't even fucking make any sense.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh my God.
This will make you guys non-Patriot fans fun, uh, happy.
I will never get over this.
If they fucking tar and feather him over this fucking horse shit, and then I
want all of
you cunts who support it, rather than being pussies on the fucking internet,
come out to
my show or whatever.
You don't have to go to the show.
Just afterwards.
I really want you to look me in the eye and present your argument as to why you
really
fucking feel that that like gave him an advantage.
I really want to fucking know why.
Like what fucking advantage?
And you'd be going against an impartial scientist because ESPN hired the person.
And God knows ESPN is in the game of sensationalism.
They didn't want that guy to fucking come up with a study that said it wasn't
an advantage.
Um, they wanted it to say it was an advantage.
And you know why I know that?
It's because they're completely ignoring the fact that they had that study done
on their
own fucking network.
Oh, I'll tell you it bugs me, you know?
Whatever, Patriot fan, anti-Patriot fans.
You want to fucking give a shit for Spygate?
I'll take that all day long.
They shouldn't have done it.
It was cheating.
They should not have done that.
All right?
It was a league-wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it.
And the arrogant cunt continued to do it.
I think he was guilty of arrogance.
I think if he was actually cheating, I think he would have used something a
little smaller
than some giant news TV thing fucking standing right there on the goddamn sideline.
But if you want to say it's that, then you know, fine.
If you fucking guys want to act like your team does not do stuff to get a
competitive fucking
edge, think about all the guys who are barely in the fucking NFL.
Barely in the fucking NFL.
And if they fucking get cut, they're going to go to bagging goddamn groceries
at a fucking
Gelson's, you know?
Or even worse, a Vaughn's.
Or a Roach Brothers, right?
Or, or, you know?
They could maybe do a little something.
Maybe grab a jersey here.
Maybe put a little sticky stuff on their gloves.
I'm not talking about roids here.
I'm not talking about roids.
All right?
Brady got busted for doing steroids.
Fine.
Yes, you're cheating.
All right?
Absolutely.
But if you're talking about a little, yeah, a little fucking, uh, let's do a
little of
this, do a little of that.
Each fucking play.
If you're going to fucking call that cheating.
I mean, you're really going to, you're going to fuck, you're going to fucking
kill everybody
in the league.
I would say.
That's what I would say.
I know.
You're fucking sick of it.
You think I'm a Patriots fan.
I am.
And I'm definitely fucking biased.
But I think I'm right.
As do you.
So what are we going to do here?
Agree to disagree.
Go fuck yourselves.
Have a wonderful week, and I'll check in on you on Thursday there.

Bill Burr - Tom Brady May Be Suspended

Yeah, on the Thursday afternoon podcast, Monday morning podcast, just before
Thursday, I was ranting about the Tom Brady thing, which I cannot believe they're
actually going to take the rumor is he's going to get suspended for two games
for pure speculation.
I love all you guys, too, that show those text messages like that's damning
information.
I can't tell what they're talking about definitively, and neither can you.
All of this would be laughed out of court.
But the thing is, this isn't a court.
It's a corporation.
And what they really what corporations really give a shit about is the opinion
of the base level mouth breathing fucking moron, because that's the guy you get
the most fucking money out of.
That's the dope that shows up to the game dressed, wearing everything but
helmets and cleats, goes down to the pro shop and buys all the stuff and paints
his fucking face.
Moron, fucking mom, the fucking biggest fan.
Oh, look at me.
I'm a fireman.
Put me on your shoulders.
Even he fucking woke up.
Even he woke up after a while.
So this is fucking stupid.
It's not worth it.
But those are the people.
Those are the same people that call in sports talk radio and all that.
The fucking NFL is going to base.
Maybe he could have probably.
But we can't prove it.
Report is they're going to base the suspension on the crowd's reaction.
The base level mouth breathing moron.
So basically, if you make enough fucking noise, they're going to suspend this
guy.
For absolutely fucking nothing.
You know, I don't know if he knew.
I don't know if he didn't know.
And that's the same.
Everybody can say the same thing.
But I can tell you this.
What he what he did, if he even fucking knew is the it's the equivalent of
fucking.
He played with a hockey stick with too big a curve on it for about a period and
a half.
And then after that, with a regulation stick, scored 50 fucking goals.
But you're going to be like, oh, no, no.
Fuck his whole career.
And all that comes down to is you fucking cunts hate the Patriots and you hate
the fact that
they're fucking winning.
It's the dumbest shit ever.
And I'll tell you this, though, but if this is what you're going to do, if this
is if this
is the standard that you want, OK, I will go with it.
And you can call Brady a cheater and the Patriots a cheater.
But then we're going to go through the whole fucking league.
And this is just the shit that I know, because I got shit from some fucking Steeler
fan.
Right.
And I'm like, really?
Well, if we're just going to go on circumstantial evidence, you have a sex offender
at the QB
position, two time sex offender that we know of.
At the QB position and also Terry Bradshaw admitted to doing steroids along
with a bunch
of other Steelers in the 70s.
So you're no longer Sixberg.
You're fucking two time, two time, two time sex offender, two time Super Bowl
champion
Berg.
You want that?
What about Jerry Rice, who admitted after his career that he used to stick him?
That wasn't quite legal.
It wasn't fucking legal.
So there you go.
What did he win?
Three titles with the 49ers.
Those are out.
And the 49ers are all cheaters.
You can go around the fucking league.
There's this shit in the league that you don't even fucking.
There's been no evidence.
You know why there's no evidence is because the other team that lost was never
such a fucking
pussy like Jim Irsay that they launched an investigation.
Do you think that you can't do this to every fucking team on every game if you
looked under
every fucking jockstrap?
You wouldn't find something.
Let's look at the Dallas Cowboys in the early 90s.
Their head coach was Jimmy Johnson.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Jimmy Johnson from the University of fucking Miami.
Okay, basically a low security federal fucking prison.
That's what their football program was when he was running it.
Then he goes to the Dallas Cowboys, a.k.a. a coke den slash whorehouse of a
fucking franchise.
Their owner has a facelift.
His face is a lie.
His face is cheating right out of the gate.
The first thing you fucking you're telling me if you didn't look under a couple
of those
cheerleaders skirts, you wouldn't have found something.
Give me a fucking break.
I'll tell you, right.
If this guy gets fucking suspended, this is an absolute goddamn fucking travesty
that
you're going to do this tar and feather, one of the greatest quarterbacks of
all time
and arguably the greatest head coach of all time with this cunty fucking pussy
shit.
I can't I I don't even I think I won't watch professional football.
I'm just going to watch college football this year if this is what happens.
If because of a bunch of fucking sore losers and mouth breathing fucking morons
complain
enough, I swear to God, I really think it's because all that Ray Rice shit.
You know what I mean?
Oh, they didn't get it right.
We got to get it right.
Ray Rice knocks out his fiancee and the guy.
All right, two two games, two game suspension.
Why don't you cool it out there?
You know, you know, come on, man.
We can't have this.
We can't.
You know, they fucking talk to him like Henry Hill when he had his goom are,
you know,
they came over.
Come on.
You got to go back to your wife.
OK, we can't have this.
This is ridiculous.
All right.
Come on.
You can't be staying over here.
You got to go back to Karen.
That's how they treated him.
Right.
Then all of a sudden the video came out and they were like, oh, wait a minute.
We we meant we don't tolerate that and get out of the league.
Get out of the league because we're so fucking pure.
Right.
It's all fucking bullshit.
It's all bullshit.
Right.
And then fucking then what happens is goddamn fiancee who should have left the
guy.
You know, that's probably that's probably grounds to be like, you know, this
really isn't what
I'm looking for in a relationship.
She goes, but she forgives the guy.
Why does she forgive him?
Because he gave the apology of the fucking universe because he makes a zillion
dollars
a fucking year.
Do you think of Ray Rice, who's working at Midas Muffler, the forgiveness
happens?
I don't think it does.
Coming home every day smelling like fucking exhaust.
I don't think it does.
It's all bullshit.
That stupid pink shit that they're making a zillion dollars off of.
You guys go out and buy that fucking those pink jersey and you think you're
helping out
because your grandmother died of fucking breast cancer and you find that like
one half or
one half or one fucking percent actually goes to the cause to raise awareness,
not even
to fight the disease.
And the rest goes into these fucking owners pockets.
Do you see that shit about the troops whenever they advertise with the fucking
the flag and
all that?
You're thinking, wow, the NFL supporting the troops.
The military's got to pay for that.
You guys are talking about a cunt hair out of a fucking ball.
Somebody said this weekend said if he actually did it, he should have just said
like, yeah,
man, I like that's what the fuck I like him at.
Gives me a little better feel, you know.
I don't think it was that big a deal.
And then you combine that with the fact that ESPN did the study and showed it
was actually
a disadvantage.
And you combine it with the fact that when he had the regulation fucking ball,
he scored
he fucking killed him even worse.
It's a fucking witch hunt.
You're tar and feather in this guy.
And you know what, go ahead and fucking do it, because that's what sports fans
do.
It's like New York sports fans.
New York sports fans, you know, all they bring up when they talk to Boston fans
are the two
giant victories over the Patriots.
Oh, you couldn't beat the Giants, though.
They're still bringing that shit up.
You know, it's like I don't even bring up the fucking 0-4 Yankees.
Do I do that?
Do I bring up, you know, oh, the fucking Celtics got 17 championships.
Do I fucking, the only time I ever do that is if a Knicks fan comes up to me
and gives
me fucking shit.
Fucking New York fans sitting there ignoring, hanging their hats on two fucking
wins and
fucking ignoring the absolute carnage, the roadkill, the sports roadkill of the
other
fucking eight teams.
The other eight teams in your fucking state, roadkill, fucking roadkill to the
point they
shouldn't even be in a fucking league.
Horrific.
Absolutely fucking horrific.
And even your crown jewel, the Yankees, they blew a three games to none leagues.
Even they got a fucking big splooch of mud in their face.
Fucking unreal.
I'm fucking real.
I got to listen to Verzi all fucking week this week, talking about how, telling
Boston
fans how the fucking Giants beat the fucking Patriots.
It's just like, really?
Are we still talking about the fucking whatever?
Hey, you know what?
Good for you.
Good on you.
Did you win two?
Well, we won four.
While winning three World Series, a Stanley Cup, and an NBA championship with
four teams.
I will take that.
I'll take those two losses all fucking day long.
All day long.
But anyway, so this past Thursday, so I was fucking ragging about this Brady
shit as I just,
as I just did.
And I don't want to hear anybody giving me any shit about that.
I continue to talk about this because you cunts are continuing to talk about it
on the other
side.
Towering Feathering, my fucking guy.
So I'm going to stick up for him here.
For a cunt hair of a fucking unbelievable.
Who the fuck weighs the balls?
Can you guys just set aside your hatred for the Patriots?
Can you just set that aside and then just sit there and on any fucking level as
a fucking
man admit to what the level of crybaby horse shit that that is?
Fucking believable.
Un-fucking believable.
I'm trying to think of anybody that throws a ball that doesn't doctor it.
Every fucking pitcher does.
Every quarterback does.
They scuff him up.
They do all kinds of fucking shit to get him where they like it.
Little fucking, little English on the goddamn ball.
They all fucking do it.
Every goddamn one of them has got a fucking ritual of how they like their
football.
Do you honestly think that the reason why you didn't make it to the NFL was
because the
ball wasn't fully inflated?
Dude, the next time you play a pickup game, why don't you let a little bit of
air out of
the ball and all of a sudden it'll magically go everywhere where you fucking
want it to go.
You'll be throwing like Tom Brady.
It doesn't even fucking make any sense.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh my God.
This will make you guys non-Patriot fans fun, uh, happy.
I will never get over this.
If they fucking tar and feather him over this fucking horse shit, and then I
want all of
you cunts who support it, rather than being pussies on the fucking internet,
come out to
my show or whatever.
You don't have to go to the show.
Just afterwards.
I really want you to look me in the eye and present your argument as to why you
really
fucking feel that that like gave him an advantage.
I really want to fucking know why.
Like what fucking advantage?
And you'd be going against an impartial scientist because ESPN hired the person.
And God knows ESPN is in the game of sensationalism.
They didn't want that guy to fucking come up with a study that said it wasn't
an advantage.
Um, they wanted it to say it was an advantage.
And you know why I know that?
It's because they're completely ignoring the fact that they had that study done
on their
own fucking network.
Oh, I'll tell you it bugs me, you know?
Whatever, Patriot fan, anti-Patriot fans.
You want to fucking give a shit for Spygate?
I'll take that all day long.
They shouldn't have done it.
It was cheating.
They should not have done that.
All right?
It was a league-wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it.
And the arrogant cunt continued to do it.
I think he was guilty of arrogance.
I think if he was actually cheating, I think he would have used something a
little smaller
than some giant news TV thing fucking standing right there on the goddamn sideline.
But if you want to say it's that, then you know, fine.
If you fucking guys want to act like yo