Name: Bill Burr - Boston Shows 2015 (4 Shows In)
Uploaded: 2015-05-12T14:52:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boston Shows 2015 (4 Shows In)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Boston Shows 2015 (4 Shows In)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-12. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for
Monday, May 11th, 2015.
What's going on? I'm out here in Boston, and I am four shows into my 19-show
run here at the Wilbert Theater.
Having a good time so far, running into a bunch of people I went to high school
with, worked with.
I had a math teacher from ninth grade. He showed up, you know, algebra, what
was it? Algebra, my algebra teacher.
You know, and I remember that year you were supposed to get a, well, shit, you
needed a 70.
That's what you needed. You needed a fucking 70, just like my helicopter test.
You needed a 70 to pass in order to go on to geometry, more math that I was
never going to use in my life
because I was not going to be an engineer. I had no idea what geometry was when
I took it.
Nobody ever told me. They just fucking, you just showed up, and they just
started, you know,
you had to memorize paragraphs about shapes. The Pythagorean theorem or some
shit like that, right?
Opposite angles are congruent. Remember all of that? I don't even know if it's
like that for you youngsters out there, you fucking youngsters.
But the way that they go into math, and you can tell right now that I didn't
get the 70.
The way that they go into math in fucking high school, it's absolutely
ridiculous because up until then, you know,
it's one plus one is two, two times two is four, four divided by two is two, it's
all fucking numbers, right?
And then all of a sudden you get to your freshman, at least I did, I got to my
freshman year.
I'm, you know, sure if you're from Asia, you got to this in the fourth grade,
but I'm a white guy.
I got to it in the ninth grade, okay?
I got a regular old fucking meat and potatoes, little stewed carrot fucking
brain.
I can't help it, all right?
My ancestors boiled the food, there was no nutrients in it, and as a result, I'm
five years behind.
An entire continent, evidently.
You ever think how great it is that we have nuclear weapons so we can actually
bully people into actually thinking that we're an intellectual factor?
You know what I mean?
I mean, seriously, if we actually, if the world was like a fucking SAT test, we
really would not be doing well.
Oh, yeah, I'm dragging my whole country down with my stupidity.
That's how fucking arrogant I am.
It can't just be like, hey, Bill, you ever think that maybe you're a fucking
moron who should have hit the books a little bit harder?
No, no, I don't think that.
I think I'll blame my whole country.
I'll blame the whole school system.
That's what you do, right?
That's what you do as a parent now when you have a little cunty kid who needs a
swift kick in his little oshkosh bagosh fucking stupid.
Oh, aren't those adorable overalls?
Oh, the overalls are adorable.
That little fucking monster in them, you know, who's never been told he's wrong
his entire life and that he's special.
All right?
That fucker right there needs to pacify or slapped out of his fucking face.
Sorry.
I'm losing my voice already.
Hey, I'm losing my voice already.
You know, I got another fucking 20 shows to do.
That's a funny thing to say to some parent.
Excuse me, miss.
If you don't get that kid under control, I'm going to slap the pacifier right
out of his mouth.
It's not illegal to say that.
That's what's funny.
It's just not everybody has like a cell phone camera and then they would fill
you.
Like fill you?
Film you while you did it.
And then they would do the provocative to try to get you to watch the video.
I was sitting on a park bench having a great time with my toddler and I never
expected that or then.
And you won't believe what happened next.
Then they would just cut to me.
Hey, lady, if you don't shut that kid up, I'm going to slap the pacifier out of
his mouth.
And then everybody would come at me, right?
They come at me like I was the next Mussolini, you know?
Never once just going like, hey, wait a minute.
The video kind of started with him threatening that child.
You know what I mean?
Threatening the mother, you know, to do fucking violence to the kid.
That's where it started.
Like what happened before that?
You know, that's what they never.
They never have that part in the video.
They never had what happened before.
It's always escalate.
It just starts with somebody slapping a pacifier out of somebody's mouth.
You know?
And admittedly, I watch those videos and I go, hey, come on, man.
You know, at least wait until the kid's like four.
Right?
But these fucking videos, it always starts like right there.
It's like what happened right before then?
You know?
For all you know, that's like a video shoot and the person's reading off like a
cue card.
I'm in the middle of this run here in Boston, which is really a fucking amazing
thing.
And I want to thank everybody who's come out so far.
I'm really not taking this week lightly.
You know, this means a lot to me that all these shows were added and everybody
comes out.
And it's really cool that I basically, I started my career 23 years ago right
across the street.
Well, actually right across the street now is the W Hotel, but it used to be an
empty parking lot.
And you could actually see Nick's Comedy Stop.
It was great.
They had this, they still have this sign and it lights up.
It's just blocked by the hotel now, so you can't fucking see it.
And they're actually down to only two shows a week, which kind of makes me sad.
But I got to tell you, I'm like one of the few guys I know that the original
place where I started actually still exists and is doing comedy.
That's pretty good 23 years in.
And I tell you, I did so much stand-up in this fucking state.
You know, it was Mother's Day yesterday.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers.
And took my mom out to brunch and all that and met some of my other relatives
and stuff.
We all met at this restaurant.
And I went in there and I was just like, Jesus Christ.
I did stand-up in this space.
It wasn't this restaurant, but it was something else like fucking 20 years ago.
And then the place right next to it used to be like a Ground Round or a Spaghetti
Freddy's or something like that.
And I used to do stand-up in the basement of that.
All these fucking memories coming back.
You know, great memories, some sad, you know.
I always think about Patrice when I come back here.
I used to always fucking, I used to swing by, you know, I'd go to Blue Hill Ave
and I would turn.
He lived down on, where did they live?
On Seaver Street in West Roxbury.
I used to go down there and I'd pick him up.
We'd drive over.
No, did I used to pick him?
No, he used to go into the clubs.
And then I'd meet him in the clubs.
And at night, I'd give him a ride home.
And so just thinking about all of that shit and all the fucking, I don't know,
man.
It's been one of those things.
And I'm just a bunch of people that I went to high school with and have been
showing up, which is always great, you know.
And fortunately, I had a really, you know, some people, you know, dude, I hated
high school.
I hated my fucking grade.
I didn't.
I loved high school.
I hated the academic part, but I came a really good, cool grade.
And fortunately, everybody I've run into is doing really well and they're happy.
And what's really cool, too, is they seem the exact same.
I ran into a couple of kids the other night.
Not even kids now.
Shit, we're fucking mid-40s.
And it's crazy.
Everyone that I run into for my grade, it was just like, you know, 25, 27 years
in some cases have gone by.
You just pick up right where you left off, talking about, hey, you know, they
got kids or whatever they're doing.
And then you just start talking about all the dumb shit that we did.
I had a couple of buddies of mine come in last night.
And I'm not going to name the name of the school, but he was, he had this, I'll
tell the quick version of the story.
All right.
It's the late 80s.
Appetite for destruction is just catching on.
People are playing the fucking cassette tape.
We're at this party.
Two of my psycho friends, one of them's gone now, rest his soul.
They go to go upstairs, you know, to go to a different party.
All right.
They both leave fucking 10 minutes later, they come back.
One of them had a flat top.
He had a fucking gash going like almost like someone tried to part his hair by
splitting his scalp.
He's got this fucking four inch gash on top of his head.
And the other guy's got a separated shoulder and a fat lip.
And we're like, what the fuck happened?
They're like, oh, you know, we just walked into this party.
We said, hey, is this a party?
And they just started beating us up.
Right.
So this fucking mob goes up the goddamn stairs.
Right.
And, you know, we're going up the stairs all drunk and we hear the party and
the biggest psycho out of all of us knocked on the door.
And the person in the side goes, hello.
And he goes, hey, excuse me.
Is there a party in here?
And the fucking dude opened the door and then it just fucking bedlam.
I'll never forget the sound of that because it was all hardwood floors.
It was like fucking what appeared to be 20 on 20.
Everybody throwing fucking haymakers and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Long story short, the fucking smoke clears.
And I'm kind of looking over at the people we were fighting and it's like six
guys and six women.
And there's a board game that's fucking all over the place.
We went to the wrong party.
They were in there playing like Risk or something.
And then 20 drunks came in.
Just wasn't 20.
It was like, I don't know, it was like eight of us.
And I don't know.
The real party was upstairs.
It was funny was the kids upstairs.
They actually sued my friends because what they said happened didn't really
fucking happen.
So we were talking about just all of those days.
There's so many funny details of some of my friends and I don't want to share
them all with you because I'm afraid someone else is going to steal it and put
it in a script because there's a couple of details from these guys.
First, he's always like, dude, that's fucking hilarious.
You got to put that in something.
So we were just talking about all those old days.
And oh, my God, this guy got mad at the other guy and he threw a keg right
through his fucking windshield.
I got arrested for drinking and driving because I was trying to get home to the
fucking Patriots-Rams game.
That was when I got pulled over.
I remember the cop pulled me over and he said, where are you coming from?
I said, ah, fucking Boston.
He goes, fucking Boston?
You want to get out of the car, please?
What a shit show.
I remember when I fucking was trying to put my finger to my nose.
From fucking 8 to 12 went good as far as the arm movement.
But when I went 12 to 6, it felt like somebody else's hand just came down and
slapped me in the head.
And he goes, you want to turn around and face the car and put your arms out and
try to stand?
He was just trying to get me in the position.
He just fucking cuffed me.
It was bad.
It was bad.
I blew a 1-9, you know?
Thought I had the two.
Thought I had the two.
All right, let's do a little more advertising here.
That's good.
Fucking convicted drunk driver.
Here we go.
Let's do some advertising here.
And he's not even talking about the dangers of it.