Name: Bill Burr - Marriage Buzz
Uploaded: 2015-05-15T14:29:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Marriage Buzz' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Marriage Buzz' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-15. Transcript available.

You know, one of the great things this week, aside from seeing a bunch of
people that I've
gone to high school with, people have been coming in and, you know, I've been
having
them come backstage. And like I said, it's been awesome. You know, I've just
been running
to people and everybody seems to be doing well. Everybody's happy, seem to be
happily
married. I actually ran into one of my friends who just got divorced within the
last couple
of years. And I got to tell you, he was fucking ecstatic. Is there anything
better as a guy
than meeting another guy that's happily fucking divorced? He's just fucking
loving life.
You know, he's got an apartment, a couple, two, three boys, you know, he's like,
oh, dude,
it was time. It's, he goes, you know what I love about it best? He goes, I'll
be sitting
in my apartment. There's a bar across the street. And he goes, I just think to
myself, wow, if
I want to, I can just walk right over there. I can walk right in there and get
a beer, you
know, very simple thing. So I know right there, a lot of women are probably
thinking like, oh,
this guy was a bad husband. He was out there drinking all the time. You know,
there's always
that fucking option. But then there is the other option that, you know,
sometimes ladies, you know,
you hold onto the reins a little too tight. You know what I mean? You kind of yank
in the head
back and, uh, you know, if that horse wants to run, you're going to have, you're
going to have
some problems. You know, if you get some old mayor, that's going to go to the
glue factory,
he'll let you fucking lead him wherever the fuck he wants. You know, you
married a stud,
right? You got yourself a million dollar horse there. You got to let that thing
run every once
in a while. There you go, ladies. Let him go off to the pub and get a fucking
good buzz
going every once in a while. You know, I know you're married. I know you got
kids.
I know he comes home and he fucking mistakes the sink for the toilet. But every
once in a while,
you know, maybe once a month, once a month, you know, that would be fucking
amazing.
All right. Let's just say you're in a marriage right now and you know, your
husband is a little,
a little miserable, you know, and every once in a while he needs to go out and
be frank, the tank.
What if you just let him get Uber, right? You get him a pair of Bomba socks.
You get him an Uber
and say, you know what, honey, once every four to six weeks, you can go out
with the fellas and just
get absolutely fucking loaded. All right. You come walking in through the
fucking cellar doors.
We'll have a couch down there. You pass out the next morning. The kids won't
know shit.
All right. Just fucking just blow out the pipes and then fucking then you can
come home. And then,
you know, once every four to six weeks, I get to go do whatever it is that
women do that they
consider fun. I have no idea what you guys do. What is it that you guys do? You
know,
I know women fucking love, women love a glass of wine around four or five o'clock.
Oh,
oh, that is their cigar. Huh? Guys, you want your fucking wife to chill out?
You know,
just fucking pour a glass every day around five o'clock as she's bitch moaning
and complaining,
just go. Let her sit out right on the back porch. Go ahead. You know, she's in
a really bad mood. Pour
another glass. She'll be asleep by six thirty. Right. Then you go in with your
kids. What do you do?
You throw in the fucking talking plane movie with Dane Cook as a voice. Right.
Get Dane Cook a little
bit of scratch. Your kids are staring there. You know, you fucking pour a
whiskey. That's that's what
parenting is all about. Working with your partner so that the two of you can
get a good buzz going
every other day without the kids noticing. And I know kids notice a lot, but
you stick them in front
of a TV. They got no idea what's going on. Right. There you go. And you know
something? I think that
that's one to grow on. You guys ever watch those. Did I talk about this? Did
you guys ever watch? I
already talked about this and I don't give a shit. You guys got to look up Will
Forte's like greatest
hits on the SNL site. Just go on and just search Will Forte and you got to get
those those ones
where they do that those whole Jesus Bill spit it out where they do the whole
spoof on. That's one
to grow on. Well, they got a what's your face there? When she goes tapping,
tapping, tapping on my keyboard. Gotta get that report to my balls. Huh? I don't
know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. All right. Hey, ladies, once
every six weeks, you know, just let them go out and get fucked up. You know, do
them a solid. And just say, listen, I'm letting you get fucked up.
But you have to be fucking husband of the year for a week. Is that cool? Be
psyched. Be fucking psyched, right? And all you guys got to do every once in a
while, you pour a glass of wine and then you're good. And then you're good. And
then your kids grow up to be raging alcoholics. And you know what? A family
that drinks together stays together. All right. You guys have a lovely weekend.
You have a great fucking weekend, you cunts. I'll talk to you later.