Name: Bill Burr - Getting A Cold
Uploaded: 2015-05-19T14:53:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting A Cold' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting A Cold' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-19. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday
may 18th 2015 how's it going how are you i'm fucking wiped out i'm wiped out
you know not
because i did all these shows here you know not because i put in maximum effort
to make sure
everybody got their money's worth patting myself on the back not because of
that you know why
because i'm an asshole and i went out every night until like three four five o'clock
in the
fucking morning like i'm still in my 20s you know every fucking night i don't i
always say right
before the second show i'd be like hey verzi i'm cool this i'm it's gonna be an
early one you know
it's gonna be an early one oh fuck who's texting me now come on man leave me
alone can you just leave
me alone um every fucking second show i would just be like hey i'm fucking uh i'm
gonna call
an early one and verzi be like all right do do whatever you want to do do
whatever you want to
do right then i'd be so amped up after the show i'd be like all right let me
just have one little
heater here backstage right somebody gave us a bottle of fucking woodford
reserve whatever the hell it was
i do a shot and then that was it took a sip of the devil right and then i got
the demon in my veins
and the devil starts talking hey why don't you go smoke a cigar why don't you
go fucking over here
why don't you go over there every fucking night every night i've been here for
10 days i've gone out
every single night i'm on a fucking bender right what am i doing last night was
the first night i just
did my shows and i fucking went home and joe bartnick rose bowl tailgate legend
joe bartnick
came up from new york to hang and watch the show actually jumped on and did
some time on the second
show and uh i got bartnick and paul verzi staring at me right of course i want
to go of course i want
to go out right but do i no last night was the first night i said i can't why
because i learned
my lessons my lesson after nine days in a row of being an absolute shithead now
the only reason why
i didn't go out again last night was because old freckles was getting the sniffles
i caught a cold what
an asshole kind of a fucking asshole goes out till four or five o'clock in the
morning when he's turning
47 the next goddamn month why would i do that why would i do that i'll tell you
why because i'm a moron
and you know something a lot of you guys listening right now you might be
laughing you might be going
yeah what are you a fucking idiot now you know what you are you're a parent and
you got kids
so you don't have any choice i don't have to fucking wake up to anybody you
know you know that
shit when you're laying in bed and your fucking kid walks in you start dreaming
of an obscene phone
call and you realize that some toddler going yeah you up yeah that's right i
don't have to deal with
that i don't have to fucking deal with that so something's got to give you know
you can't have all
that freedom you know something's got to balance it out so here yeah i got a
cold and my fucking liver
felt like i took a fucking liver shot or something um anyways so uh you know
what the worst part about
this cold is is um i'm sort of fighting it off because i went i got eight hours
sleep you know
i'm in that lying stage where you're just like oh it's not going to get any
worse you know basically
what's going to happen today is the second i exert myself doing anything like
lifting lifting like
a spoonful of raisin bran to my mouth that's going to be the tipping point you
know what i mean well
the momentum has just changed for the cold virus right there and and then it's
just going to be over
so i know tonight i'm going to be sick um at which point i'm going to pout
which means i'm going to
drink and i'm going to smoke a cigar because it doesn't matter anyways can you
believe that 47 literally
sliding into 50 and i'm still behaving that way it's a very sad thing everybody
and um but i have nobody
to blame but myself other than that though i want to tell you the show has been
going great hang on a
second i gotta hit pause all right it's official i got a cold god damn it you
always lie to yourself
like you're fighting it off right well it takes some emergencies the most sea
low cotton in whatever the
it's called i'm drinking a big glass of oj i put on a wool hat yeah once it got
you got you what a
moron who the does all these shows i wasn't taking any vitamins it's hilarious
you know my mom said this
morning i said um my mother's like hey how you doing you know hey how you doing
what's going on this
is uh the mom morning podcast she says hey how you doing i said ah you know i
caught a cold i've
caught a cold you know what she said to me she said uh well what did you think
was going to happen
see that right there that's all you need to know about me that's what she said
not one of those oh i'm sorry you want some kooky mooky hot cocoa she just gave
it to me straight
well what'd you think it was going to happen the only thing was missing was you're
dope you've been
going out till four in the morning every night for 10 days what'd you think was
going to happen
she's always been like that and it always bugged me but i realized as an adult
it really helped me out
you know when i watch other guys walking around you know who had like moms that
hugged them and
shit the littlest thing they get flustered you know i'm on a tooth face right
they try to marry
some woman that's going to be their next mom you know you got to have one of
those moms that's got
a little bit of ice in her veins every once in a while right like i remember
when i was a kid
i had this piece of truck right it was nice but i kept it forever because i was
smart
and i knew that i didn't want to work for somebody else and one of the quickest
ways to working for
somebody else for the rest of your life is to buy a new car when you're in your
20s
you know when you can quote afford the payment i got news for you you can't
afford the payment if
you have a dream all right and i had a dream to tell shit jokes for 19 nights
in a 10 nights in a row
um so anyway so my truck wasn't quit wasn't starting all right and i called her
up from uh
this little packy store i called her up i was like mom i was like i think i was
like 19 or 20. i was
like mom my truck won't start i turned the keys it started and i gotta go here
and my truck won't
start but blah blah blah blah it did the whole hissy fit for a minute and then
she just goes there was a
pause and she just goes well what would you have me do i just want to be like
oh shit all right i guess
that's right she is not a mechanic i think i need to get the out the yellow
pages and look up a
fucking tow truck that's what i had to do that's what we had to do back in the
day children it wasn't
all at our fingertips you're fucking babies with your smartphones we had to
take out
a fucking the yellow pages knowing full well that most likely the page you want
had been torn out
by some dope that was the thing where i need the number i can't remember it and
they would tear it out
for whatever fucking reason then he had to you know you had to go go inside and
buy a pack of gum
that you didn't even want or a candy bar so you could have change for the phone
and then you fucking called up you know isn't that hilarious i'm acting like i
worked on a farm
we had to look a phone number up in a book that was right there next to a phone
then we had to get a sweet treat to have change to make a phone call
hey i'll tell you it was rough you know oh fucking far off you know we've gone
from people talking about
coming over here in boats to the fucking depression the dust bowl world war
right to me talking about
sitting at a pay phone and buying a pack of juicy fruit no it was really hard