Name: Bill Burr - Robert Kraft Tapping Out
Uploaded: 2015-05-22T13:39:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Robert Kraft Tapping Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Robert Kraft Tapping Out' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-22. Transcript available.

Um, ah, Jesus Christ. So people have told me a bunch of shit to go off on.
I got one thing I want to go off on, was fucking Robert Kraft for some reason
just rolling over and tapping out.
What happened? Did the other owners get together and just say, listen, we know
Jim Irsay's a pain in the ass,
but you know, this is just going to bring negative publicity to the NFL over
the last 24 fucking months.
Fucking out. So now as a fan, I have to sit back and take the fact that a
league that didn't pay taxes since 1942,
this is the first fucking year they're paying taxes, right? How funny is it
that I want to go on a rant?
I have a fucking stuffed up nose. Hang on one second. Cause I have a summer
cold cause I'm a drunk who can't go home at night.
Hang on a second. All right. I'm back. The NFL did not pay taxes from 1942
until last year, 2014.
This is the first year they're paying taxes. You know, meanwhile, whenever the
military goes out on
the field, does a display, they have to pay the NFL and the NFL sits back and
acts like they support the
troops. They don't support the troops. They charge the troops. Right. And then
on top of that,
according to the internet, so you know, it's true. You know, it's true. That
whole pin campaign,
the NFL keeps 97 or some 95, 97% of all the money from the pink hats, the pink
mugs, the pink jerseys.
Then they give it to the pink fucking lady. And she keeps like 90% of that. So
they raise like a billion
dollars. The NFL keeps like 970 million, gives 30 million to the pink lady,
right? She keeps 90% of that.
And then she peels off $2 million for breast cancer. And all these fucking scumbags
are sailing around in a
giant pink yacht. These are the fucking people that are going to judge my Tom
Brady. They're going to call
him a cheater because of fucking air pressure. You know what I mean? I have to
sit back. I guess I got to
sit back and take it as a fan. Tom Brady's a cheater because he went up against
the Colts and Andrew
Luck. How did the Colts get Andrew Luck, by the way? Oh no, no big deal. They
just tanked an entire
season, bilking every fucking NFL fan completely against the rules, lost on
purpose. They did it
every fucking week for 16 games. Was there an investigation? Were there suspensions?
Was there
fines? No, they're from Indiana. Those are good down home folks out there, man.
They put their
pants on one leg at a time. They sit down when they ring the dinner bell. They
got one of the highest
Klan memberships north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is Indiana. They couldn't
do anything wrong
out there. We shouldn't even been facing Andrew Luck. Do you know ESPN? They
did that study and
they showed that the deflated ball was actually a disadvantage. ESPN took it
down within 30 minutes
because it was going to end the story. Because it was in their best interest to
have it be an
advantage. They took that fucking thing down. So I got to sit here and sit back
with a guy who sits on a
fucking rules committee and changes rules for the Colts so they can finally
beat the Patriots, win a
Super Bowl. No suspension, no fine, no investigation. Right? Hey, here's the
funniest thing. First game,
Brady comes back. Who are they playing? The Indianapolis Colts. This is like
promoting a summertime
blockbuster. It's complete fucking horse shit from top to bottom. But you know
what? Kraft tapped out.
So that's it for me. I tap out. You know, unless at some point I go on I am Rappaport
and I school
that sad ass Knicks fan. You listening to me, Rappaport? You've been ducking me
on this podcast.
Oh, I'm talking to you, Michael. Huh? I'm not talking to your IMDB page. I
respect the shit out of that. But as
far as you as a sports fan, I'm telling you right now, you owe me an apology.
All right? And I will go on
I am Rappaport and I will get my apology. Huh? I'm just doing this shit because
at some point I know I'm
going to go on his podcast. That guy gets amped up. He gets you guys ever
listen to I am Rappaport?
If you want to listen to the only sports fan I know that's more uninformed than
me and talks more
from his heart than I do. He did a fucking he did this unbelievable documentary
on the early 70s Knicks
when the garden was eaten. Four stars. Four out of four. Right? The fun my
favorite part of it other
than watching what's his face beat up the entire Los Angeles Lakers was when Rappaport
was trying to get
one of the Knicks to say that Celtic fans were animals. He goes, they're
animals, right? And the
guy's going, no, man, no, no. And you hear Rappaport off camera going, come on,
man, come on. They're
animals. They're animals up there, right? It was fucking great. So anyways, so
there you go. So
that's it. I know you guys were sick of it, but I don't give a shit. I don't
give a shit. So you know
what? I don't know. Fuck the NFL for the first four games. I ain't gonna watch.
I'll watch college football
instead where I know it's crooked. Give me a goddamn break. How long do you
think the Patriots
could have a stadium like Seattle Seahawks before the entire league demanded we
took it
down? You know what I mean? Somebody clears their throat in that stadium. The
opposing team
has to go into fucking silent count. It's such a fucking ridiculous. That whole
franchise
is filthy. Their owner was fucking their own fan base over with the small beers
and the large
beers. You ever watch that YouTube video? They had a tall glass for the fucking
large one,
a little short, fat one. And somebody finally, they had ordered both, sucked
down the short
one, poured the tall one in there. It was the same amount of beer. Oh, they're
filled. That's
like some Dukes of Hazzard shit. You might as well be putting fake fire hydrants
next to people's
cars, right? Then they got dirty, filthy, sneaky fucking Pete Carroll as a
goddamn coach,
right? Jesus Christ. I loved how he rebuilt that fucking program down there in
USC. That program
was so fucking filthy. They got stripped of a championship and a Heisman trophy.
And he snuck
out the back door when the wolves were at the front. But now that he's at the
pro level, I'm sure
he's on the up and up. By all means, let's just keep focusing on the Patriots.
They're the only guys.
Atlanta Falcons got caught fucking pumping sound noise in. Nobody's calling
them fucking cheaters.
No, no, no. It was just a glitch. The hatch just blew, right? That's it.
Should have Tom Brady have been suspended?
I have no idea. Is this about Deflategate?
How do you know about it? You don't even watch sports.
Well, Deflategate has been all over the internet.
What happened?
Something about the football being deflated and that messed other people up.
And the Patriots
are being accused of being behind it. Bill Belichick.
That's good.
No, you had it. That was great.
That's all I got.
You pretty much had it.
Why was he suspended, though?
Who, Tom Brady?
Yeah.
Did he deflate it?
You know, because he looks like a war hero, an astronaut, and a quarterback,
and a movie
star all in one. That's why.
Are you blaming this on haters?
Yeah. Well, I don't understand how fucking an organization that never fucking
paid taxes
for the first fucking 60, 80 years of their existence, all of a sudden is going
to start
wagging their fingers or people keeping all the pink cancer money for their
goddamn yachts.
Why are they saying that Tom Brady is suspended? You still didn't answer that.
Because Jim Mercey's a fucking baby, and he weighed the balls. Do you ever play
a board
game with somebody? You ever play a board game with somebody, and then you win,
and in
the end, they got to fucking find out some reason why that they lost, and it
has something
to do with you cheated. And they'll say, like, oh.
Did they think that Tom Brady, like, secretly deflated the ball beforehand?
They don't know he did. They just have circumstances that maybe he possibly
could have known. It
was basically like in baseball. Some guys shaved the handle down. Some people
put pine tar. It
was literally that level of shit. Yeah, they lost by 38 fucking points.
This reminds me of, uh, uh, what's that Jim Carrey movie where he was like the,
uh.
Liar, liar?
No, no. The one, the one, Ace Ventura. Wasn't that the one where there's a.
No, somebody kidnapped Dan Marino. Right, and then, like, Sean Young, the
actress, or whatever.
Laces out. Laces out. That's what that reminds me of.
Yeah, that was like a fundamentally. Where, like, she was claiming that it was
sabotaged because
they're supposed to have the laces out. Yeah, it's a fucking pony and dog show,
and it's
over, and now. Dog and pony show. Is that what it's? Not pony and dog show. Dog
and pony
show. Dude, the pony's the headliner. It's, but the saying is dog and pony, not
pony and
dog. Dog and pony? Look that up. I, I don't have to look it up. I'm, I'm
telling you it's
correct. Oh, I don't fucking believe that. Not pony and dog show. All right,
you know
what? Thank you. Thank you. You're always, you're always inversing this. Thank
you. Thank
you for stopping by. Bye bye. All right, you guys. Have a great weekend, you
fucking cunts.
Yeah.