Name: Bill Burr - Hipster Barbershops
Uploaded: 2015-05-22T13:56:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hipster Barbershops' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hipster Barbershops' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-05-22. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and uh i'm just checking in on you
just checking in on you on a thursday cleo get over there and lay the fuck down
you're
driving me nuts today you're a maniac i still love you that's only because you're
cute if you
an ugly dog like a poop no get over there lay down down down lay the fuck down
the master has
spoken um what's going on how are you how are you welcome to another thursday
afternoon just before
friday monday afternoon fucking morning podcast whatever i call it they're just
checking in on
your podcast for short you know um oh what a couple of days it's been oh what a
couple of nights babu
jesus christ i'm fucking believable all right i've already had myself a hell of
a goddamn day
right i finally got my goddamn truck back right brand new engine everything was
going great and
then uh you know i looked cool for about six hours six fucking hours and then
uh there was something
going on with the clutch i don't know what was going on these guys i take it to
do fucking phenomenal
work they do some some of the sickest fucking hot rod trucks i've ever seen in
my life and i think
what fucked me over is one of the parts you know they make them in china now
you know because they
don't want to play americans because they don't want to fuck with the unions
and then it's not enough
that they're going to underpay some poor chinese guy over there because people
always go oh the chinese
they don't fucking make them right they'd make them right if you gave them the
right fucking materials
what's that chinese guy supposed to do fucking uh you know fucking i don't know
pull a goddamn
clutch out of his out of his stomach like a chicken having a cesarean section
um whatever the fuck
materials they give them that's what they're going to put together so anyways
he's trying to say maybe
it's maybe it's that thing so i'm back to driving some fucking car shape like a
goddamn dinner roll
so i that i got that going on right um i went down took a helicopter you know
fucking thing here i'm
getting ready to do my check ride flew great everything was going good my autos
were great
nose was dipping down a little bit but you know i recovered and then uh all of
a sudden my clutch was
acting up so i'm like god fuck right it's all freckles needs a haircut who's
getting new all you do is
just buzz my head it takes two fucking seconds so i'm driving up i usually have
this lady do it but
she's off today so i said you know i need it i'm taking my wife out fuck it man
i'm just gonna get my
head buzzed right so i go by there's a barber shop little candy stripe fucking
sign thing going so i pull over
i walk in there's one dude sitting there there's no barbers right i'm looking
around they got they got
fucking uh they're selling combs right they got all these fucking vintage hot
rod magazines they're
playing music from the 1950s all of this should have been a warning but it wasn't
i was just like
all right that's kind of cool whatever then this fucking guy comes walking out
wearing this smock
indicating that he was a barber and i'm immediately thinking all right this guy
next to me he's first
right the guy goes he walks out sees me he goes oh hey how are you sir i said i'm
doing good
how you doing he goes great he goes uh do you have an appointment i i'm like do
i have an appointment
what do you mean appointment he goes you gotta make an appointment here i'm
like dude this is a
barber shop i think i said what is this is a hair salon and he's going over to
the book looking at
and he goes oh you know i can get you i go too i just want to get my head buzzed
take like five
minutes there's nobody fucking here you could be they have this thing halfway
done you jerk off right
inside i was thinking that right and then he's fucking looking at his logbook i
just said forget it
forget it i'm out of here fucking assholes done with that place for life
goddamn fucking hipsters
man they've ruined everything you know what i realized that wasn't a barber
shop that was an
ironic barber shop that's why they had the old magazines that's why they had
frankie valley in the
four seasons playing and rather than some old guy come walking out this this
fucking 30 year old guy
walks out he can't cut my fucking hair this is what's funny i fucking drive
away my truck with the
fucked up clutch now now now i'm really losing my shit because i get in and i'm
trying to push the
clutch and it won't go all the way to the floor so i've got to push it a little
harder and he has
some ungodly sound in my transmission so immediately i'm like all right i'm not
i'm gonna take this back
to the place because when i'm driving it it's fine but when i would stop for
whatever reason wouldn't
go all the way to the floor so by all means all you fucking weekend warrior
gearheads please tell me
what it is oh i know what it is i know exactly what it is your flywheels don't
kick it over the
crankshaft shut up sorry so anyways so i go to fucking drive away and uh who's
standing out in
front of the fucking barber shop on his iphone oh fucking the barber shop guy
checking his tweets
or some shit oh and oh my god i just fucking drove away just like beside myself
just going like what
these fucking goddamn hipsters they fucking ruined they haven't ruined anything
it's just they're so
fucking in this why can't you just be yourself you know why does everything
have to be like mocking
so why can't you just like i swear you know what it is because if you took off
their facial hair and
their glasses and their robert fulton fucking goddamn outfit you know what
would you be left with they'd
have to be themselves and you know what they're not fucking interesting jesus
fucking christ
really bill do you have to go this big yes i do it's a barber shop okay you
fucking walk into a
barber shop you sit down there's a bunch of old guys there with their balls
going down to the floor
wearing smelly fucking old awful slacks with horrific shoes and all you start
thinking is wow i guess that
social security really isn't going to be there for me that's what you think
when you go into a
barber shop fucking dickheads they should have to take that fucking sign down
or at least put it in
quotes barbershop right is this a dumb thing to be mad at well fuck you i don't
care this is this you
know i didn't want to be this mad coming on the fucking podcast i'm getting
over a goddamn summer cold
what's the world coming to man you can't walk into a barber shop to get your
fucking head buzzed there's
nobody there and there's one guy standing there and he asked you if you have a
fucking appointment
it's like is this a maserati dealership what the fuck are we doing here right
just have me sit down put the fucking apron around my neck
and just at what he usually do i usually go down to the skin then a half and
then one and a half on top
and one there you go big bang boom yeah yeah yeah i'm done here's your 20 bucks
god bless you right
do i have an appointment and he walks over he looks at the fucking book jesus
there should have been
somebody getting their nails done over in the corner how the fuck can you call
yourself a barber shop when
you take appointments you never have appointments you just show up right i went
to a barber shop when i
when i was fucking back in uh back in massachusetts i went to the house right
just fucking walked in
sat down some fucking old guy how you doing yeah fucking sat down gave me the
same haircut he gives
the fucking state troopers in and out i did it on the way to the gym one of the
great things one of
the few great things about having a shaved head as far as you'll never get lice
again is it takes you
two seconds right you just go in they zim zam zoom you don't give a fuck who
does it done over and then
you fucking leave another great thing is whenever you're going out you know you
can just throw a shirt
on no one knows you didn't take a shower because you know you'll never have bedhead
again so i guess
there's two positive things but you know what one of those positive things was
taking away from me
today and i'm really sad about you guys i'm back in fucking uh la i gotta tell
you something you know
what needs to stop has anybody flown virgin lately and dude they made like a
fucking 22 minute music video
about putting your seat belt on there's a part where they start they're singing
and then there's rapping and then there's a robot part and then the robot goes
this robot rap is over and you're thinking oh god thank god it's over and then
they just go ready to go
put your fucking seat belt all right and there's all that christina aguilera
over singing whoa doing all of that fucking shit pointing at notes
it's it's so fucking loud
you know those fucking douches who have those bose headphones i just never
could fucking buy one of those
things that's the first time i was like i really need to get a pair of those i
need a pair of earplugs
i actually sit i fucking put my elbows on my knees and i jam my fingers into my
ears
and i hum for five minutes waiting for it to stop
um
yeah i don't know
you know what kills me as i was sitting next to my wife and she loved it she
thought it was great
and i was like there you go right there there's the balance
the balance of this relationship i fucking hate everything
you know like me if she went down there she'd be like oh it's cool it's like a
barbershop 2.0
i will make an appointment what is your name
well it's very nice to meet you what do i do
i fucking storm out go what is this a fucking hair salon
and i storm out all right
and in the end i still need a haircut
so who won bill
who won again lost your temper again
who won and who lost you think that
fucko down the street gives a shit
this guy's making he's taking reservations down there like he's got a fucking
a pork chop to die for right like he's some fucking unbelievable restaurant
ah fuck it you want to have a hipster barbershop where you got to make
appointments
wasn't i really just mad because they wouldn't do what i wanted them to do
i still did this you should have a different colored barbershop sign then with
that little
fucking
red white and blue stripe thing going up it should be something different
something hipstery little
mustaches in there
you cunts
do you know i went to a barbershop and i couldn't know if you didn't hear me
screaming about it
to get my head buzzed
i definitely heard you screaming
and the guy said i didn't have a fucking appointment
he goes you have an appointment
it's a barbershop you don't need a fucking appointment
yeah but you know some of these highfalutin places they you know they work on
appointments
it's not like you know
you're not a barbershop you're a you're a hair salon
right
yeah
you're a salon
that does hair
yeah
did you go into an actual barbershop though
was it just one of these like
it was a fucking barbershop
that gave the little swirly sign and it said barbershop
oh yeah so you should be able to walk in there and be like let me get a haircut
and they'd be like, yeah, have a seat, grab a paper.
Nice. Justified on one.