Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Caitlyn Jenner
Uploaded: 2015-06-05T12:43:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Caitlyn Jenner' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Caitlyn Jenner' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-05. Transcript available.

So anyways, I'm glad you're here to taper this part.
So I was over here and Nia showed me the cover of what magazine was that?
Vanity Fair.
Vanity Fair.
Are we talking about Caitlyn Jenner?
Yeah.
The Kardashians.
You just blew it.
I was going to fucking build the whole thing up because I was looking at it
going, how do I know?
I'm like, how do I know that chick?
Is that somebody we know?
You're like, I know that woman.
And I was thinking, she's not good enough.
She's not good looking enough to be on the cover.
Is she a publicist?
Is she some famous publicist?
And then it was meet Caitlyn Jenner.
Caitlyn with a C.
Wow.
I got to tell you, man.
That is the most.
Congratulations, Caitlyn Cakes.
I know.
I got to tell you, that is the most.
That's the most hardcore thing I've ever seen played out.
And like all that Marilyn Manson shit and Alice Cooper and Ozzy biting the head
off a bat.
Nothing compares to the what the fuck factor.
And I'm not saying, I'm not, you know.
You're comparing like shock rock tactics to someone becoming transgendered.
I really don't think they're on the same way.
Somebody that you knew.
Somebody that you knew.
Can you let me?
Can you let me?
Continue with your ignorant thoughts?
Sure.
No.
You know, you shouldn't say that.
This is the first time I ever experienced this.
I had to be able to fucking say what I'm thinking.
You see his own daughters are going like, so wait a minute.
You're going to be borrowing my toenail polish?
They got to get their head around it.
I'm allowed to get my head around it.
God bless him.
Okay.
That's what he wanted to do.
She.
He did it.
Now he's a she.
Is he?
But he still has his dick, right?
Bill.
Does he?
She wants to be called she.
She wants to be called Caitlyn.
Okay.
I'm cool with that.
Call her she.
I'm all right with that.
She has not had surgery.
No.
She has not.
I think that's something she might do in the future.
Okay.
So she has a penis and she still is she at this point.
Correct.
So the reality is that you don't have to do any of that.
You can just say, I want to be called she and people should just respect it.
Pretty much because it's the whole idea about gender not necessarily being
rooted in physicality or sexuality.
It being more of a state of mind.
So this is like some.
Which is a big debate, of course.
So this is like some Ornette Coleman shit.
Who's that?
With your body.
Ornette Coleman.
He was one of those guys who played so free with jazz.
There was really no one.
And even like Charlie Parker would walk off the bandstand going, I don't know
what the fuck these guys are playing.
Okay.
Is that right?
I think this is a groundbreaking thing.
Yep.
That he's the first and he will be like, he's like the, I don't know.
The first what though?
Well, I'm not going to wade into that fucking sinkhole.
God knows I'll say the wrong fucking thing.
There was a trans, there was a transgendered person on the cover of Time
Magazine last year, which was actually the first.
No, no.
But I mean, as far as.
Her name is Vern Cox from Orange is the New Black.
What was her name before that?
Larry?
I don't know.
And it doesn't fucking matter.
I think you should, you should keep your, like.
She's amazing.
I would be, I go from Bill, I would be Beth.
Would you?
Beth Burr.
Oh wait, can we talk about that?
Let's talk about if you decided to transition.
Would you really go by Beth?
No, I think I'd be Janet.
And I would be such a cunt.
So pretty much the same, right?
Yeah.
But you know me now, as a male, I'm awarded for being an asshole.
You know that ridiculous feminist theory?
That if a woman does it, she's a cunt.
But if a guy does it, they're like, you want to be president?
Fucking morons.
I feel like men are definitely called assholes when they're assholes.
But I don't think they're morons for saying that.
Men get to.
Get to do what?
They get to act, especially in business, in a more, let's say, cutthroat.
Like a Mark Cuban.
Mark Cuban's a fucking dick.
But Mark Cuban is also brilliant and a really successful businessman.
But I feel like more often than not, he gets called brilliant and amazing.
No, he doesn't.
He gets called a jackass all the time.
He does?
All the time.
And he runs out on the court and does all that stuff.
Get off the court, you jackass.
I thought people were always saying, like, you know, Mark Cuban is a, you know,
business genius.
And, you know, I don't know.
No, he is.
But he is.
He's undeniably is.
But he doesn't get good reviews.
That guy gets trashed all the time.
You know what it is?
You guys have bad experiences with men while you're dating.
And they get to be dicks and bang you and then leave.
And you never quite are able to wash that off.
So I think that you guys then look at us in a certain way.
I'm able to separate my experiences from dating dicks to dealing with dicks in
day-to-day life.
I am not so simple-minded and, like, one-dimensional that it's like, oh, my God.
You're not petty at all.
They dumped me one time and now they're all dicks.
Like, are you fucking kidding me?
But there was a period in your life.
You can't tell me that you didn't get a little petty.
I did.
I actually never did.
I did.
All those guys that dumped me.
I didn't necessarily have the greatest track record with men.
But I didn't write you all off because of that.
I still was looking for love.
Listen.
All right.
So what I'm saying is, as far as, like, the most hardcore fucking thing I've
ever seen,
as far as just spinning your head around, like, holy shit, is the fact that
Bruce Jenner,
unlike that other woman, who I don't even know who the fuck that is, who's on
Time magazine,
is that this guy, you've got to say, my whole life I've known this guy from,
like, second grade on.
He won the decathlon.
He was on the Wheaties box.
He was on chips.
He got a nose job.
And then he disappeared.
And then he came back on the Kardashians.
And he was walking around in the background.
And I remember Lawhead had this great fucking bit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, just being like, what the, why are you sitting there getting bitched at?
You got a fucking gold medal for the decathlon.
They got you walking around in the background, you know, like,
I used to be walking around with that medal around your neck or something,
right?
To then, I remember when TMZ was chasing around saying that he was having a sex
change.
I was like, oh, my God, leave the guy alone, you know.
He doesn't like his face, you know.
And I don't know.
He's doing whatever the fuck he's doing.
And then it turned out they were right.
And now when he comes out, call me Caitlyn.
I mean, this is the thing, like, because what I don't, what I don't,
there's going to be a lot of people that get in trouble as they're trying to
fucking process this for the first time.
This is their first time experience.
And I think you want to allow people to have that, that first dumb thing that
comes out of their mouth.
Not understanding and being like, what?
But everybody's going to jump on him.
You know what?
That's actually a good point.
Someone will lose their career.
To sit there and watch this guy, like, you wanted to be this guy.
You wanted to be Bruce Jenner.
I wanted my hair parted down the middle and feathered to the side.
I wanted to be a motorcycle cop.
I wanted to do all of that shit.
And then all of a sudden, I remember reading articles about him, like, his
fucking life.
You know, he's in between, you know, girlfriends or whatever.
And they went to his house and he had some Porsche Targa.
I still remember this.
In sports, he had a Porsche Targa in the garage that he walked by and he ran
his fingers along.
He had a little bit of dust on it.
I'm like, this guy, he sold his shit that he just has a leftover Porsche.
I mean, this dude was like a guy's guy to then, boom, go the other, 180 the
other fucking way.
Yeah, I think people should be definitely allowed to be honest with it.
I just feel like the cruelty is what's unnecessary.
No, no, no, not cruelty.
But you ought to be able to say, like, Bruce, what the fuck?
Sorry, Caitlin, what the fuck?
Wow.
Wait a minute.
Can I sit down for a second?
They were talking to one of his sons from his other marriages, like Brandon or
something.
And he said, she lifted up her dress to show his son her new boobs.
And he goes, whoa, I'm still your son.
Because it's like, yeah, whoa, wait, just give me a second.
And then another one of his sons.
No, but he would never, when he was, show his balls.
Of course, of course.
It's where you came from, son.
Of course, no, of course.
It was definitely, that would be very weird.
No, but that's always been my theory.
But, and the other.
Girls who get fake boobs will show them to you like they got their nails done.
Because it's an insecurity thing.
So you're going to be like, Steve, check out the girls.
I have two friends with amazing boob jobs.
I never would have known.
They're so, they're so good.
You got to, you got to pay for it.
You know what I'm saying?
You can't go out in there and get discount plastic surgery.
You don't go to Denny's when you get the boob job.
Like, whatever.
The facial reconstruction that Caitlin has had is fucking amazing.
Now, of course, she still is a handsome woman.
But, like, it really, it looks good.
And those, those, those tits.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Those tits look fabulous.
What do you just mean she's still a handsome woman?
Did you mean that she started off as a handsome guy?
No, there are some women that are, like, handsome.
This whole thing that I'm saying right now.
Like, Catherine Hepburn.
Listen, this whole thing that I just said.
What?
Do you mean, like, that's the handsome guy or, like, the woman right now?
You know what?
This, this, this whole fucking scenario is why I never watched Lost.
What?
This is why I never watched Lost.
How did you come, how did you come around to this?
Because they were like, is this a dream state?
Is there a fucking monster down here?
What's going on?
And then now you're, you're jumping back and forth on either side.
It's like he's playing tennis against himself right now.
It's kind of like your ADD brain, actually.
Oh, is it?
Yeah.
It's kind of like bringing around insult bills.
Look, I'm on vacation.
I'm trying to have a good time.
I'm not insulting you, Michelle.
But you know what else?
One of his kids, her kids, see?
Even I'm slipping with the pronoun.
Oh, you homophobe, transgendered hater.
What's your career?
We need to end it.
My career is lying around with you in France.
Suck it.
Oh, that's that douche on Twitter who gave me shit.
Anybody who starts a tweet with the word maybe, I'm done with.
Yeah.
Maybe don't blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
What a cunt.
Oh, no.
I was saying one of Caitlyn's sons said, I'm hoping, I think that, or something
like that,
Caitlyn will be a better parent than Bruce was.
Something like that.
No, I mean, she's been pretty open about it.
And then if Caitlyn starts crying, be like, Caitlyn, I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Bruce.
No, by all accounts, especially his first set of kids.
I didn't like him to hear.
He wasn't there.
They were, he, Bruce wasn't there for them.
Because he was a fucking man.
And now that, now that, now that Bruce has become Caitlyn, you think that
tapping into the
femininity will be better?
Bruce won the gold medal.
Caitlyn still has to prove herself.
She hasn't won shit yet.
She's won all of our hearts.
All right.
But you know something else?
Then there's also the, then falling all over yourself.
There's, there's the ignorant being mean about it.
Then also the, going the other way where you fall all over yourself.
And if Caitlyn's being a cunt, you can't call her a cunt because she used to be
Bruce, which
is bullshit.
Well, I guess Bruce was an asshole because Bruce really wanted to be Caitlyn
and was struggling
and was taking it out on other people and was literally running away.
I think Caitlyn is going to be the biggest gossipy.
She's going to go to brunch and just talk shit about everybody in her immediate
circle.
I'm pretty excited to see how this unfolds.
Actually, it's, it's pretty major.
Are you going to watch the, her show?
No, I never watched the Kardashians.
Oh, that's true.
I hate those fucking shows.
Yeah, that makes sense.
And to be honest with you, I would have to, I'll just sort of walk by the TV
and occasionally
glance over.
I need to ease my way into the fact.
You are.
You're going to watch it over my shoulder.
And I have to, and I have the fucking right to do that.
Yes, you do.
Yeah.
When you make that big of a fucking change, Jesus Christ, I shaved my head.
People like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
You got to give people, you got to have the, you got to be courteous and let
people like
fucking, all right, let me, uh, okay.
Okay.
You should have like five minute visits and then they, they increased to 10 and
just got
to gradually like, I mean, you literally, it's like you killed off the other
person.
You know what I mean?
Pretty much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, where are they?
Yep.
Gone.
Yeah.
So then, and then it's weird.
It's like, well, I technically should be liking you.
Right.
But you're not the other person, but you're still you.
Mm-hmm.
Do you think he did something like he sold his soul to the devil and he's like
trying to
beat the devil at his own game?
And now he's becoming like a woman at the end of his life so he can save his
soul.
And the devil's like, oh, where did Bruce go?
And he's like, I don't know.
It's like Angel Heart.
Are you talking about that movie with Lisa Bonet?
Yeah.
And Mickey Rourke.
He's fucking great.
Louis Cypher.
Um, anyways, who knows?
I don't fucking know.
Bill Burr tackled Caitlyn Jenner.
No, I didn't.
I fucking, I'm getting my head around it.
I should be allowed to do.
Thank you.

Bill Burr & Nia - Caitlyn Jenner

So anyways, I'm glad you're here to taper this part.
So I was over here and Nia showed me the cover of what magazine was that?
Vanity Fair.
Vanity Fair.
Are we talking about Caitlyn Jenner?
Yeah.
The Kardashians.
You just blew it.
I was going to fucking build the whole thing up because I was looking at it
going, how do I know?
I'm like, how do I know that chick?
Is that somebody we know?
You're like, I know that woman.
And I was thinking, she's not good enough.
She's not good looking enough to be on the cover.
Is she a publicist?
Is she some famous publicist?
And then it was meet Caitlyn Jenner.
Caitlyn with a C.
Wow.
I got to tell you, man.
That is the most.
Congratulations, Caitlyn Cakes.
I know.
I got to tell you, that is the most.
That's the most hardcore thing I've ever seen played out.
And like all that Marilyn Manson shit and Alice Cooper and Ozzy biting the head
off a bat.
Nothing compares to the what the fuck factor.
And I'm not saying, I'm not, you know.
You're comparing like shock rock tactics to someone becoming transgendered.
I really don't think they're on the same way.
Somebody that you knew.
Somebody that you knew.
Can you let me?
Can you let me?
Continue with your ignorant thoughts?
Sure.
No.
You know, you shouldn't say that.
This is the first time I ever experienced this.
I had to be able to fucking say what I'm thinking.
You see his own daughters are going like, so wait a minute.
You're going to be borrowing my toenail polish?
They got to get their head around it.
I'm allowed to get my head around it.
God bless him.
Okay.
That's what he wanted to do.
She.
He did it.
Now he's a she.
Is he?
But he still has his dick, right?
Bill.
Does he?
She wants to be called she.
She wants to be called Caitlyn.
Okay.
I'm cool with that.
Call her she.
I'm all right with that.
She has not had surgery.
No.
She has not.
I think that's something she might do in the future.
Okay.
So she has a penis and she still is she at this point.
Correct.
So the reality is that you don't have to do any of that.
You can just say, I want to be called she and people should just respect it.
Pretty much because it's the whole idea about gender not necessarily being
rooted in physicality or sexuality.
It being more of a state of mind.
So this is like some.
Which is a big debate, of course.
So this is like some Ornette Coleman shit.
Who's that?
With your body.
Ornette Coleman.
He was one of those guys who played so free with jazz.
There was really no one.
And even like Charlie Parker would walk off the bandstand going, I don't know
what the fuck these guys are playing.
Okay.
Is that right?
I think this is a groundbreaking thing.
Yep.
That he's the first and he will be like, he's like the, I don't know.
The first what though?
Well, I'm not going to wade into that fucking sinkhole.
God knows I'll say the wrong fucking thing.
There was a trans, there was a transgendered person on the cover of Time
Magazine last year, which was actually the first.
No, no.
But I mean, as far as.
Her name is Vern Cox from Orange is the New Black.
What was her name before that?
Larry?
I don't know.
And it doesn't fucking matter.
I think you should, you should keep your, like.
She's amazing.
I would be, I go from Bill, I would be Beth.
Would you?
Beth Burr.
Oh wait, can we talk about that?
Let's talk about if you decided to transition.
Would you really go by Beth?
No, I think I'd be Janet.
And I would be such a cunt.
So pretty much the same, right?
Yeah.
But you know me now, as a male, I'm awarded for being an asshole.
You know that ridiculous feminist theory?
That if a woman does it, she's a cunt.
But if a guy does it, they're like, you want to be president?
Fucking morons.
I feel like men are definitely called assholes when they're assholes.
But I don't think they're morons for saying that.
Men get to.
Get to do what?
They get to act, especially in business, in a more, let's say, cutthroat.
Like a Mark Cuban.
Mark Cuban's a fucking dick.
But Mark Cuban is also brilliant and a really successful businessman.
But I feel like more often than not, he gets called brilliant and amazing.
No, he doesn't.
He gets called a jackass all the time.
He does?
All the time.
And he runs out on the court and does all that stuff.
Get off the court, you jackass.
I thought people were always saying, like, you know, Mark Cuban is a, you know,
business genius.
And, you know, I don't know.
No, he is.
But he is.
He's undeniably is.
But he doesn't get good reviews.
That guy gets trashed all the time.
You know what it is?
You guys have bad experiences with men while you're dating.
And they get to be dicks and bang you and then leave.
And you never quite are able to wash that off.
So I think that you guys then look at us in a certain way.
I'm able to separate my experiences from dating dicks to dealing with dicks in
day-to-day life.
I am not so simple-minded and, like, one-dimensional that it's like, oh, my God.
You're not petty at all.
They dumped me one time and now they're all dicks.
Like, are you fucking kidding me?
But there was a period in your life.
You can't tell me that you didn't get a little petty.
I did.
I actually never did.
I did.
All those guys that dumped me.
I didn't necessarily have the greatest track record with men.
But I didn't write you all off because of that.
I still was looking for love.
Listen.
All right.
So what I'm saying is, as far as, like, the most hardcore fucking thing I've
ever seen,
as far as just spinning your head around, like, holy shit, is the fact that
Bruce Jenner,
unlike that other woman, who I don't even know who the fuck that is, who's on
Time magazine,
is that this guy, you've got to say, my whole life I've known this guy from,
like, second grade on.
He won the decathlon.
He was on the Wheaties box.
He was on chips.
He got a nose job.
And then he disappeared.
And then he came back on the Kardashians.
And he was walking around in the background.
And I remember Lawhead had this great fucking bit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, just being like, what the, why are you sitting there getting bitched at?
You got a fucking gold medal for the decathlon.
They got you walking around in the background, you know, like,
I used to be walking around with that medal around your neck or something,
right?
To then, I remember when TMZ was chasing around saying that he was having a sex
change.
I was like, oh, my God, leave the guy alone, you know.
He doesn't like his face, you know.
And I don't know.
He's doing whatever the fuck he's doing.
And then it turned out they were right.
And now when he comes out, call me Caitlyn.
I mean, this is the thing, like, because what I don't, what I don't,
there's going to be a lot of people that get in trouble as they're trying to
fucking process this for the first time.
This is their first time experience.
And I think you want to allow people to have that, that first dumb thing that
comes out of their mouth.
Not understanding and being like, what?
But everybody's going to jump on him.
You know what?
That's actually a good point.
Someone will lose their career.
To sit there and watch this guy, like, you wanted to be this guy.
You wanted to be Bruce Jenner.
I wanted my hair parted down the middle and feathered to the side.
I wanted to be a motorcycle cop.
I wanted to do all of that shit.
And then all of a sudden, I remember reading articles about him, like, his
fucking life.
You know, he's in between, you know, girlfriends or whatever.
And they went to his house and he had some Porsche Targa.
I still remember this.
In sports, he had a Porsche Targa in the garage that he walked by and he ran
his fingers along.
He had a little bit of dust on it.
I'm like, this guy, he sold his shit that he just has a leftover Porsche.
I mean, this dude was like a guy's guy to then, boom, go the other, 180 the
other fucking way.
Yeah, I think people should be definitely allowed to be honest with it.
I just feel like the cruelty is what's unnecessary.
No, no, no, not cruelty.
But you ought to be able to say, like, Bruce, what the fuck?
Sorry, Caitlin, what the fuck?
Wow.
Wait a minute.
Can I sit down for a second?
They were talking to one of his sons from his other marriages, like Brandon or
something.
And he said, she lifted up her dress to show his son her new boobs.
And he goes, whoa, I'm still your son.
Because it's like, yeah, whoa, wait, just give me a second.
And then another one of his sons.
No, but he would never, when he was, show his balls.
Of course, of course.
It's where you came from, son.
Of course, no, of course.
It was definitely, that would be very weird.
No, but that's always been my theory.
But, and the other.
Girls who get fake boobs will show them to you like they got their nails done.
Because it's an insecurity thing.
So you're going to be like, Steve, check out the girls.
I have two friends with amazing boob jobs.
I never would have known.
They're so, they're so good.
You got to, you got to pay for it.
You know what I'm saying?
You can't go out in there and get discount plastic surgery.
You don't go to Denny's when you get the boob job.
Like, whatever.
The facial reconstruction that Caitlin has had is fucking amazing.
Now, of course, she still is a handsome woman.
But, like, it really, it looks good.
And those, those, those tits.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Those tits look fabulous.
What do you just mean she's still a handsome woman?
Did you mean that she started off as a handsome guy?
No, there are some women that are, like, handsome.
This whole thing that I'm saying right now.
Like, Catherine Hepburn.
Listen, this whole thing that I just said.
What?
Do you mean, like, that's the handsome guy or, like, the woman right now?
You know what?
This, this, this whole fucking scenario is why I never watched Lost.
What?
This is why I never watched Lost.
How did you come, how did you come around to this?
Because they were like, is this a dream state?
Is there a fucking monster down here?
What's going on?
And then now you're, you're jumping back and forth on either side.
It's like he's playing tennis against himself right now.
It's kind of like your ADD brain, actually.
Oh, is it?
Yeah.
It's kind of like bringing around insult bills.
Look, I'm on vacation.
I'm trying to have a good time.
I'm not insulting you, Michelle.
But you know what else?
One of his kids, her kids, see?
Even I'm slipping with the pronoun.
Oh, you homophobe, transgendered hater.
What's your career?
We need to end it.
My career is lying around with you in France.
Suck it.
Oh, that's that douche on Twitter who gave me shit.
Anybody who starts a tweet with the word maybe, I'm done with.
Yeah.
Maybe don't blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
What a cunt.
Oh, no.
I was saying one of Caitlyn's sons said, I'm hoping, I think that, or something
like that,
Caitlyn will be a better parent than Bruce was.
Something like that.
No, I mean, she's been pretty open about it.
And then if Caitlyn starts crying, be like, Caitlyn, I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to Bruce.
No, by all accounts, especially his first set of kids.
I didn't like him to hear.
He wasn't there.
They were, he, Bruce wasn't there for them.
Because he was a fucking man.
And now that, now that, now that Bruce has become Caitlyn, you think that
tapping into the
femininity will be better?
Bruce won the gold medal.
Caitlyn still has to prove herself.
She hasn't won shit yet.
She's won all of our hearts.
All right.
But you know something else?
Then there's also the, then falling all over yourself.
There's, there's the ignorant being mean about it.
Then also the, going the other way where you fall all over yourself.
And if Caitlyn's being a cunt, you can't call her a cunt because she used to be
Bruce, which
is bullshit.
Well, I guess Bruce was an asshole because Bruce really wanted to be Caitlyn
and was struggling
and was taking it out on other people and was literally running away.
I think Caitlyn is going to be the biggest gossipy.
She's going to go to brunch and just talk shit a