Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Girlfriend A Whore
Uploaded: 2015-06-09T13:39:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Girlfriend A Whore' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Girlfriend A Whore' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-09. Transcript available.

all right uh girlfriend a whore hey Nia that's probably still sleeping all
right I like to have
her for these fucking things all right girlfriend a whore in my walk of shame
hey Bill I'm 22 years old and I've been dating a lady for a few months now
things have been going
great we click we click really well and she's beautiful this is funny all of
these start this
way everything's she's beautiful it says inelegant girl I think you meant to
say that's all one
word I n e l e g a n t inelegant an elegant girl I don't know with a great job
things were going
great until recently she still lives at home and one night she asked me to come
over for a late night
booty call oh Jesus what's wrong with that dude this girl's a champ so far of
course I show up to
her parents house and get into bed with her oh she lived at home with her
parents okay that's kind of
weird as I laid down as I laid down I sat on a vibrating sex toy she was
embarrassed and played
it off like oh I just found this recently when I was cleaning through my stuff
I acted like I didn't
I didn't care but in my head I was screaming what the fuck
um dude why are you acting like you didn't fucking rub one out like the day
before
yeah but I used my hand I went all natural what are you looking at her like she's
a fuck she's using
peds here um anyways we go at it and I spend the night at her place I love how
you were like what the fuck but you still banged her
classic guy move dude this chick's a fucking psycho wanna fuck okay
in the morning it turns out she wasn't home
home alone her dad was home and when I do the walk of shame
and I do the walk of shame out of the house oh my god the dad saw you
oh mg on top of this
wait on top of it this was
the first time meeting her dad we didn't say a word to each other
and he just gave me this death glare that screamed
this motherfucker just banged my daughter in my house
oh my god
her dad flipped the shit on her
and wants her to move out
she asked me if it was cool
if she lives with the two guys from work
I tell her I don't care
but again I'm thinking
uh what in the actual fuck
is going on here
basically how do you think I should play this out
should I cut my losses and get out
or try to stick it out
I feel like those are some serious red flags
but I really like this girl
and until this point things were perfect
maybe the lovely Nia could help
yeah she needs to help
I would say this
um uh
yeah she could have been a little
she could have handled that situation a little better
uh
with her dad
ah Christ
you know what I don't think Nia's up so
what do I do
do I disappoint you guys
or do I let my wife sleep on the vacation
let's go wake up my wife
hang on
bonjour madame
can you help me out with a question here
are you still sleeping
all right
I'll give it to you real quick
all right
all right here's the deal
this kid's 22
he's with this girl
she's fucking perfect
everything's wonder
wonder
everything's wonderful
all right
uh
so she calls him up one night
for a booty call
he goes over there
she's still living at home
and he's like
all right
her parents aren't home
so he goes up there
he goes like
I get into the bed
and immediately sit on
one of her vibrating sex toys
and he's
she tries to play it off
like oh
that's just something I found
when I was going through my stuff
ha ha ha
and he said
he was
he played it off
but was like
what the fuck
he thought it was weird
he's 22
so
she fucking
they bang
he wakes up the next morning
and it turns out
her fucking dad is home
so he's got to do
the walk of shame
right past her dad
and the guy
is just glaring at him
like if you just
fuck my daughter
in my own house
get the fuck out of here
so he gets the fuck
out of there
right
and then
like the next day
at work or something
she goes
yeah my dad's pissed at me
he wants me to move out
do you mind
if I move in
with two guys from work
and he's like
part of him
you know
likes the girl
and the other part
is like
you know
there are too many
red flags here
what's the
what's the red flag about it
what's the red flag about it
uh
that
I don't know
they
is this his girlfriend
you gotta turn towards the mic
oh
yeah
oh you're here
yeah
shit
okay
yeah sorry
I had the fucking
recording here
um
what's red flag about it
well first of all
it's like
it is his girlfriend
she used a booty call
earlier
right
so if you're talking
about booty call
it's the beginning
of a relationship here
and he's like
do I pursue this
I want to ask her
why she felt
it was necessary
to ask him permission
about where she
wants to live
right
but obviously
that's not the situation
here
so
she's moving in
with two guys
that they work with
and
what do you mean
and
that's a little
fucking
well what if
okay let's look
at the tables
you and I just
started talking up
hey is it okay
if I move in
with these two chicks
that we both work with
oh they all work together
yeah
well what would you
rather
well what am I
fucking jack tripper
you're not gonna have
a problem with that
I think kids these days
they live together
males and females
and it's not like
a big deal
so
now if I were her
if I were like her mom
I think it'd be
a different story
but
no
I don't understand
well because I
you know
because I would just be
like a mom about it
you know
but as a guy
who was just
hanging out with her
yeah but you just
she just fucking
banged you
when her dad was home
and then made you
and then just fucking
doesn't even have
the decency
to be like
hey my dad's home
you might want to go
out the fucking window
and you walk by the dad
like he's
like that
he's done
like what's he gonna do
have a relationship
come over for fucking
Thanksgiving
like his first fucking
meeting is
yeah yeah
I fucking just
railed your daughter
right up above you
like that
well if he was
if he was mature at all
he would have been like
oh good morning
you know
my name is so and so
and I just fucked
your daughter
well obviously
you don't say that
well what the fuck
what are we reading
all night
no you say
hi you know
I'm friends with
such and such
and how are you
you know
you do the respect thing
no
the respect thing
was to not say
a fucking word
to sit there
and come down
and be like
hello
how are you
and try to play it off
like you didn't fuck
is insulting
that man's intelligence
well
anyway
getting back to
the
no no no no
let's stay with
that point there
okay
there's no way
out of that situation
other than what he did
the most respectful
thing that he could
have done
was not say anything
because he's at least
as a man
addressing the fact
that he understands
that what the fuck
he did
even though it wasn't
on purpose
was ridiculously
gonna fuck
with this guy's head
I disagree
I think what he
should have done
is
been respectful
and said
like he saw him
like he walked
by his dad
yeah he was
yeah he walked
by and the guy
and the guy's
staring fucking
daggers at
Nia
they're fucking
22 years old
okay
I'm just
I'm just saying
I think it would
have been better
if he had
introduced himself
because that's
can you please
do that to me
I'll play the dad
that's a respectful
thing to do
I'll play the dad
you don't just
walk through somebody
like a grown
person's house
and not say anything
that's something
my parents
would have felt like
you know
you don't just
walk in my house
you know what I mean
I'm almost seeing
what you're saying
here but it has to
it can't be more
than two words
like I would have
just looked at him
good morning
I would have been
I'm sorry
but we're talking
about the red flag
situation right
the red flag
is that he's
he's this girl
is sexual
and so that to him
is a red flag
and you know what
baby doll
you need to
fucking get over it
you know something
Nia
I understand where
you're going with this
where it's just like
if a guy's
she masturbates
just like you do
alright
maybe she wasn't
smart about putting
away her vibrators
maybe she was thinking
that you might be
kind of
like oh
what is this
but you know
you're 22
you probably
don't know
how to use it
or don't quite
understand
what it's about
he's 22
he doesn't need it
his dick is standing
at attention
when he fucking
wakes up in the morning
not for him
I don't mean for him
I meant for like
they could
he could use it
on her
like
that's what I meant
the fuck you think
I meant
you said
he doesn't need it
as if you were saying
that she would use it
on him
no I'm saying
that he doesn't need it
to pleasure her
Jesus Christ
let me
confirm what I was saying
okay but there's other
there's other ways
you got that 22
I know Bill
I'm saying
that there's other
fucking
you can have
like a nice
strong dick
that goes all night
but you can also
use a vibrator
as well
like you know this
don't make me explain
this to you
you know what I'm
talking about
I do
okay
all right
thank you for
giving me credit
listen to you
I don't have a
listen
I agree with
it's a sex toy
it's a
you know
it's something
whatever
all right
he's not ready
for it
it's fine
the point is
that he
it's fine
maybe one day
he will be
but the fact
that he just
was like
oh my god
this is a sexual girl
and she doesn't
really give a fuck
who knows it
right
whether it's me
who came over
for a booty call
because I'm like
whoa
what's this vibrator
doing here
or you know
her dad
so she
you took it
no I'm
no I'm just
trying to think
how you mistook
that like
when I said
his dick stands up
when he wakes up
like he needs
to use her vibrator
to make his dick
go up
like it doesn't
even make any
sense to me
I
I didn't think
it made sense
either but
it was obviously
a miscommunication
yeah
I was looking at
it like it was
like the stunt dick
like that's what
like when
you know those
old guys
in the steakhouses
who have like
the fucking chicks
half their age
like they show up
with like a bag
of like
fucking viagra
like the vibrator
because
you know
to keep her
interested
as they're waiting
for the blue pill
to kick in
that's how I was
looking at it
Jesus Christ
let's fucking
clarify this shit
so anyways
my thing is
Sonia
is
like just
the situation
that she put
herself in
put him in
where he then
has to walk
by the dad
I mean
the whole fucking
thing is just
taking on water
right now
it's very messy
it's a very messy
situation
for sure
so there might
be a lack
of maturity
on her side
he's ready
to
I mean
yeah
they're both
22
I think
that goes
without saying
but yes
you just won't
give this girl
any sort of
criticism here
listen
I said
I just said
they're both
22
they're both
22
they're both
we've already
you've already
shit all over
this guy
I'm just saying
like
how am I
shitting all over
the guy
I'm just saying
he's not
it's too early
to get involved
in this fucking
argument
let's just
plow ahead
let's just
plow ahead
here
what is the
point that
you're trying
to get me
to address
here
is that
is maybe
she's not
ready to be
in a
she just got
kicked out of
her house
for fucking
another guy
in the house
yeah
okay
that's
you know
that's not
a very stable
situation to get
involved in
first of all
you're 22
years old
so you're still
picking in the
first round
it's not like
the guy's 42
when he's single
and he's gonna
take what's out
there
there's a whole
bunch of
fucking
you know
this is
this is
like
you hit
the NBA
draft lottery
you get
like the
first fucking
pick in the
draft here
you're gonna
go with
the fucking
a woman
who
just got
kicked out
of her house
for fucking
you
while her dad
was still
home
and you
walked
by her
dad
all the
vibrator shit
and anything
yeah who gives
a fuck
about all
of that
the fuck
that part
there
I'm saying
does he
really need
to hitch
his wagon
to that
so he's
he's asking
pursue a
relationship
because
everything
else
everything
else
other than
her fucking
two doors
down
from the
dad
and then
having him
walk by
the dad
I mean
there are
some things
near that
right in
the beginning
despite of
how nice
you are
and everything
there are
some things
that make
you kind
of go
like
hey
you know
what
you know
relationships
are hard
even when
you're with
the right
person
you know
Jesus
yeah no
I mean
I would
say
young man
that
it's
you're
just
trash
you're
condescending
to the guy
I'm not
condescending
I was trying
to be funny
excuse me
Jesus
fucking
Christ
I know
you're
the professional
comedian
in the relationship
oh relax
why am I
here
then
you know
no you
were trashing
the guy
so bad
I thought
that that
was another
part of
the trashing
we're just
not
we're not
we're not
in sync
there this
morning
kiddo
I would
say that
yeah
it doesn't
sound like
she's the
girl for
you
how about
that
there we
go
that wasn't
so fun
hey I did
that whole
thing
I'm going to
leave out
why I don't
think so
yeah I know
why
because he's
not mature
enough to
handle a
fucking
blah blah blah
and she's not
mature enough
either obviously
they're both
immature
don't
alright you know
I like about me
walking away as
your voice is
fading away
in the background
I gotta go
downstairs where
the fucking
that's it
yeah where the
where the fucking
questions are
no
that's it
alright
alright
in your little
attic loft
here
don't set up
too quickly
you'll hit your
head on the
beam again
oh jesus
au revoir
madame
we got a little
tree fort
apartment here
alright
here we go
that was a
fucking
waste of
god damn
I thought
she was finally
going to agree
with me
just one of
these times
I want her to
fucking agree
with me
she just won't
do it
she will not
do it
alright

Bill Burr & Nia - Advice: Girlfriend A Whore

all right uh girlfriend a whore hey Nia that's probably still sleeping all
right I like to have
her for these fucking things all right girlfriend a whore in my walk of shame
hey Bill I'm 22 years old and I've been dating a lady for a few months now
things have been going
great we click we click really well and she's beautiful this is funny all of
these start this
way everything's she's beautiful it says inelegant girl I think you meant to
say that's all one
word I n e l e g a n t inelegant an elegant girl I don't know with a great job
things were going
great until recently she still lives at home and one night she asked me to come
over for a late night
booty call oh Jesus what's wrong with that dude this girl's a champ so far of
course I show up to
her parents house and get into bed with her oh she lived at home with her
parents okay that's kind of
weird as I laid down as I laid down I sat on a vibrating sex toy she was
embarrassed and played
it off like oh I just found this recently when I was cleaning through my stuff
I acted like I didn't
I didn't care but in my head I was screaming what the fuck
um dude why are you acting like you didn't fucking rub one out like the day
before
yeah but I used my hand I went all natural what are you looking at her like she's
a fuck she's using
peds here um anyways we go at it and I spend the night at her place I love how
you were like what the fuck but you still banged her
classic guy move dude this chick's a fucking psycho wanna fuck okay
in the morning it turns out she wasn't home
home alone her dad was home and when I do the walk of shame
and I do the walk of shame out of the house oh my god the dad saw you
oh mg on top of this
wait on top of it this was
the first time meeting her dad we didn't say a word to each other
and he just gave me this death glare that screamed
this motherfucker just banged my daughter in my house
oh my god
her dad flipped the shit on her
and wants her to move out
she asked me if it was cool
if she lives with the two guys from work
I tell her I don't care
but again I'm thinking
uh what in the actual fuck
is going on here
basically how do you think I should play this out
should I cut my losses and get out
or try to stick it out
I feel like those are some serious red flags
but I really like this girl
and until this point things were perfect
maybe the lovely Nia could help
yeah she needs to help
I would say this
um uh
yeah she could have been a little
she could have handled that situation a little better
uh
with her dad
ah Christ
you know what I don't think Nia's up so
what do I do
do I disappoint you guys
or do I let my wife sleep on the vacation
let's go wake up my wife
hang on
bonjour madame
can you help me out with a question here
are you still sleeping
all right
I'll give it to you real quick
all right
all right here's the deal
this kid's 22
he's with this girl
she's fucking perfect
everything's wonder
wonder
everything's wonderful
all right
uh
so she calls him up one night
for a booty call
he goes over there
she's still living at home
and he's like
all right
her parents aren't home
so he goes up there
he goes like
I get into the bed
and immediately sit on
one of her vibrating sex toys
and he's
she tries to play it off
like oh
that's just something I found
when I was going through my stuff
ha ha ha
and he said
he was
he played it off
but was like
what the fuck
he thought it was weird
he's 22
so
she fucking
they bang
he wakes up the next morning
and it turns out
her fucking dad is home
so he's got to do
the walk of shame
right past her dad
and the guy
is just glaring at him
like if you just
fuck my daughter
in my own house
get the fuck out of here
so he gets the fuck
out of there
right
and then
like the next day
at work or something
she goes
yeah my dad's pissed at me
he wants me to move out
do you mind
if I move in
with two guys from work
and he's like
part of him
you know
likes the girl
and the other part
is like
you know
there are too many
red flags here
what's the
what's the red flag about it
what's the red flag about it
uh
that
I don't know
they
is this his girlfriend
you gotta turn towards the mic
oh
yeah
oh you're here
yeah
shit
okay
yeah sorry
I had the fucking
recording here
um
what's red flag about it
well first of all
it's like
it is his girlfriend
she used a booty call
earlier
right
so if you're talking
about booty call
it's the beginning
of a relationship here
and he's like
do I pursue this
I want to ask her
why she felt
it was necessary
to ask him permission
about where she
wants to live
right
but obviously
that's not the situation
here
so
she's moving in
with two guys
that they work with
and
what do you mean
and
that's a little
fucking
well what if
okay let's look
at the tables
you and I just
started talking up
hey is it okay
if I move in
with these two chicks
that we both work with
oh they all work together
yeah
well what would you
rather
well what am I
fucking jack tripper
you're not gonna have
a problem with that
I think kids these days
they live together
males and females
and it's not like
a big deal
so
now if I were her
if I were like her mom
I think it'd be
a different story
but
no
I don't understand
well because I
you know
because I would just be
like a mom about it
you know
but as a guy
who was just
hanging out with her
yeah but you just
she just fucking
banged you
when her dad was home
and then made you
and then just fucking
doesn't even have
the decency
to be like
hey my dad's home
you might want to go
out the fucking window
and you walk by the dad
like he's
like that
he's done
like what's he gonna do
have a relationship
come over for fucking
Thanksgiving
like his first fucking
meeting is
yeah yeah
I fucking just
railed your daughter
right up above you
like that
well if he was
if he was mature at all
he would have been like
oh good morning
you know
my name is so and so
and I just fucked
your daughter
well obviously
you don't say that
well what the fuck
what are we reading
all night
no you say
hi you know
I'm friends with
such and such
and how are you
you know
you do the respect thing
no
the respect thing
was to not say
a fucking word
to sit there
and come down
and be like
hello
how are you
and try to play it off
like you didn't fuck
is insulting
that man's intelligence
well
anyway
getting back to
the
no no no no
let's stay with
that point there
okay
there's no way
out of that situation
other than what he did
the most respectful
thing that he could
have done
was not say anything
because he's at least
as a man
addressing the fact
that he understands
that what the fuck
he did
even though it wasn't
on purpose
was ridiculously
gonna fuck
with this guy's head
I disagree
I think what he
should have done
is
been respectful
and said
like he saw him
like he walked
by his dad
yeah he was
yeah he walked
by and the guy
and the guy's
staring fucking
daggers at
Nia
they're fucking
22 years old
okay
I'm just
I'm just saying
I think it would
have been better
if he had
introduced himself
because that's
can you please
do that to me
I'll play the dad
that's a respectful
thing to do
I'll play the dad
you don't just
walk through somebody
like a grown
person's house
and not say anything
that's something
my parents
would have felt like
you know
you don't just
walk in my house
you know what I mean
I'm almost seeing
what you're saying
here but it has to
it can't be more
than two words
like I would have
just looked at him
good morning
I would have been
I'm sorry
but we're talking
about the red flag
situation right
the red flag
is that he's
he's this girl
is sexual
and so that to him
is a red flag
and you know what
baby doll
you need to
fucking get over it
you know something
Nia
I understand where
you're going with this
where it's just like
if a guy's
she masturbates
just like you do
alright
maybe she wasn't
smart about putting
away her vibrators
maybe she was thinking
that you might be
kind of
like oh
what is this
but you know
you're 22
you probably
don't know
how to use it
or don't quite
understand
what it's about
he's 22
he doesn't need it
his dick is standing
at attention
when he fucking
wakes up in the morning
not for him
I don't mean for him
I meant for like
they could
he could use it
on her
like
that's what I meant
the fuck you think
I meant
you said
he doesn't need it
as if you were saying
that she would use it
on him
no I'm saying
that he doesn't need it
to pleasure her
Jesus Christ
let me
confirm what I was saying
okay but there's other
there's other ways
you got that 22
I know Bill
I'm saying
that there's other
fucking
you can have
like a nice
strong dick
that goes all night
but you can also
use a vibrator
as well
like you know this
don't make me explain
this to you
you know what I'm
talking about
I do
okay
all right
thank you for
giving me credit
listen to you
I don't have a
listen
I agree with
it's a sex toy
it's a
you know
it's something
whatever
all right
he's not ready
for it
it's fine
the point is
that he
it's fine
maybe one day
he will be
but the fact
that he just
was like
oh my god
this is a sexual girl
and she doesn't
really give a fuck
who knows it
right
whether it's me
who came over
for a booty call
because I'm like
whoa
what's this vibrator
doing here
or you know
her dad
so she
you took it
no I'm
no I'm just
trying to think
how you mistook
that like
when I said
his dick stands up
when he wakes up
like he needs
to use her vibrator
to make his dick
go up
like it doesn't
even make any
sense to me
I
I didn't think
it made sense
either but
it was obviously
a miscommunication
yeah
I was looking at
it like it was
like the stunt dick
like that's what
like when
you know those
old guys
in the steakhouses
who have like
the fucking chicks
half their age
like they show up
with like a bag
of like
fucking viagra
like the vibrator
because
you know
to keep her
interested
as they're waiting
for the blue pill
to kick in
that's how I was
looking at it
Jesus Christ
let's fucking
clarify this shit
so anyways
my thing is
Sonia
is
like just
the situation
that she put
herself in
put him in
where he then
has to walk
by the dad
I mean
the whole fucking
thing is just
taking on water
right now
it's very messy
it's a very messy
situation
for sure
so there might
be a lack
of maturity
on her side
he's ready
to
I mean
yeah
they're both
22
I think
that goes
without saying
but yes
you just won't
give this girl
any sort of
criticism here
listen
I said
I just said
they're both
22
they're both
22
they're both
we've already
you've already
shit all over
this guy
I'm just saying
like
how am I
shitting all over
the guy
I'm just saying
he's not
it's too early
to get involved
in this fucking
argument
let's just
plow ahead
let's just
plow ahead
here
what is the
point that
you're trying
to get me
to address
here
is that
is maybe
she's not
ready to be
in a
she just got
kicked out of
her house
for fucking
another guy
in the house
yeah
okay
that's
you know
that's not
a very stable
situation to get
involved in
first of all
you're 22
years old
so you're still
picking in the
first round
it's not like
the guy's 42
when he's single
and he's gonna
take what's out
there
there's a whole
bunch of
fucking
you know
this is
this is
like
you hit
the NBA
draft lottery
you get
like the
first fucking
pick in the
draft here
you're gonna
go with
the fucking
a woman
who
just got
kicked out
of her house
for fucking
you
while her dad
was still
home
and you
walked
by her
dad
all the
vibrator shit
and anything
yeah who gives
a fuck
about all
of that
the fuck
that part
there
I'm saying
does he
really need
to hitch
his wagon
to that
so he's
he's asking
pursue a
relationship
because
everything
else
everything
else
other than
her fucking
two doors
down
from the
dad
and then
having him
walk by
the dad
I mean
there are
some things
near that
right in
the beginning
despite of
how nice
you are
and everything
there are
some things
that make
you kind
of go
like
hey
you know
what
you know
relationships
are hard
even when
you're with
the right
person
you know
Jesus
yea