Name: Bill Burr - The Kardashians
Uploaded: 2015-06-16T06:08:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Kardashians' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Kardashians' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-16. Transcript available.

You know, my wife watches that show with the ladies there whose dad is now a
woman.
And, you know, the ones out there in Cal, you know, the way they fucking talk.
I was sitting there, you know, and this is this was a pivotal turning point in
me getting along better with my wife was I just gave into reality TV.
And I, you know what I mean? I just dialed into my fucking inner Caitlyn Jenner
and was just like, all right,
I'm going to fucking I'll feminine it up here. Right. I'll tuck the package
between the fucking I'll duct tape my balls and dick to my taint for the next
fucking hour.
And I will sit here and I will watch this horseshit. So I'm watching it. Right.
And the big one there, as Jay Lawhead calls her, the power forward of the
Kardashians. All right.
She's driving the meerkat one and then the one who's married to the fucking
Kanye West.
The always humble Kanye West. Right. And they're driving over because she's
trying to figure out, you know, if the fucking whatever, if the splooge made it
to the fucking.
Hangar area. Sorry, I'm not trying to get all medical on you guys. She's trying
to see if she's pregnant or what. I don't know what the fuck's going on.
So they're driving in some SUV. They're in Wyoming. Right. Because that's what
rich people in California do.
They eventually, you know, want to pretend that they're ranchers. So they buy a
big they buy a spread out there in Montana or something.
And long story short, they're driving in this fucking SUV. Right. The power
forwards behind the wheel is Jay Lawhead calls her.
The meerkat is in the fucking passenger seat and old sploogey's in the back.
Right.
So. They fucking. It's snowing. And this truck goes by, you know, the truck has
like the wind or whatever, you know, as it goes by.
So, you know, James Worthy there is fucking, you know, whoa, going like, what
the fuck?
And then they keep talking and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then another
truck goes by.
And next thing you know, she lost complete control of the car.
And as it's spinning, right, the woman in the back, I think she's pregnant.
So she's freaking out. Oh, she's got a baby there.
Cute little baby is sitting there, you know, reading the fucking paper and they
start spinning.
So the one in the back, the mother is going, hey, fucking, you know, Orlando
Woolrich.
What the fuck? What's going on?
And as they're spinning, the woman behind the fucking wheel is going, it's not
my fault.
It's not my fault. It's not my fault.
And they fucking, they spun into oncoming traffic.
Luckily, we're not hit, right?
And then they fucking went off the road into a ditch.
And the big one, the captain, Captain fucking Kirk, took no responsibility
whatsoever.
Was just like, you know, and was actually mad at old Sploochie back there
because she was upset with her.
She's going like, I mean, I was like, I was like, I was like, when?
And it blew me into some black ice.
It's like, no.
You were going too fast.
You were driving too fucking fast for those conditions.
You lost control of the car with your niece in the car.
You fucking dope.
Right?
And nobody held her feet to the fire.
Nobody gave her any sense.
It's like, you are a fuck up.
You know, just standing there with your fucking back of your head touching the
top of your back, trying to talk to her.
Trying to get in her grill.
Right?
Staring up from her navel.
Looking between her titties.
Seeing a half of two nostrils.
Just yelling at her.
Hey, you fucked up, lady.
Right?
None of them said that.
And then they just like, they're fucking, just standing there going like.
When my giant eight foot sister lost control of the SUV, it was like, so scary.
Like, they always like build up to a fucking point.
Like, yeah, and, and.
And it's always just like, ha.
When this meteor came down at our house and it slammed in to the roof above my
bedroom.
And if I have a second, I thought I was going to die.
I was like, so scared.
So, I am standing up, pacing in the living room now like a fucking, I don't
know, some fucking pissed off coach who's trying to stay inside the coach's box
so he doesn't get it technical.
And I'm fucking screaming at the TV like a bad call was made.
Completely forgot that I was going to sit there and try and get along with my
wife by watching this horse shit.
And I'm yelling at the TV.
And I'm like, no, you fucking eight foot cunt.
You fucked up.
You were driving too fast.
Fast.
My fucking voice cracker.
You're driving too fast, man.
Your fucking niece is in the car.
Right?
Slow the fuck down.
You're driving a four-wheel drive vehicle.
You're fucking dope.
Oh, my God.
Done with that show.
That was it.
I tried.
I lasted fucking one clip.
I'm done with that show.
Fucking done with that show.
I fucking hate when people do shit like that and people call them on it and
they're like, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, it was your fault.
It is your fault.
Stop being powerless, you moron.
All right?
You have total control of that fucking situation.
You just drive a little slower.
You drive a little slower.
Anyways.
Anyway, I shouldn't be making fun of them.
You know, what they're going through right now.
What they're having to deal with.
You know?
Left is white.
Black is mine.
Up and down is black and white.
Inside out.
Da, da, da.
And now Bruce is fucking Caitlyn.
Right?
I really hold firm on that.
That people cannot get upset with anybody in that family if they're still a
little fucking wigged out.
That their dad is now their mom.
You know what I mean?
Just exactly.
What is the average, you know, time it takes, you know, for you to fucking get
your head around that?
You know?
I don't know.
My wife's sitting there going, oh, he's showing his fucking titties to his kids.
It's just like, he's doing what?
I mean, I don't, is that true?
If that's true, I don't give a fuck.
That's just wrong on all kinds of levels.
You know what I mean?
I know.
I get it.
I get it.
You're coming back from the mall and you got a little shopper's high going on
and you want to show what you got.
But they're tits.
Right?
When you were a guy, did you take your balls out and show them to them?
No, you didn't.
You don't do that.
You don't show your sexual goods to your fucking kids and then compile it with
new sexual goods.
All right?
And it's not like new and improved.
Like, hey, I got my dick enlarged.
No.
I fucking, uh, I got some tits now.
Would you like to see them?
No, dad.
I mean, mom, I wouldn't.
Jesus Christ, Caitlin.
Can you put your fucking new tits away?
Is that asking too much?
You already took all my rouge.
Now you're going to take your tits out?
I mean, I'm sitting in a car and I'm chilling.
It was like, sir, Sky, when you took your tits out, dad, it was like, sir, Sky,
I was like, is my dad taking his tits out right now?
I was like, Bruce, I mean, Caitlin, I mean, what the fuck?