Name: Bill Burr - Email: Man Pedicures
Uploaded: 2015-06-23T15:03:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Man Pedicures' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Email: Man Pedicures' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-23. Transcript available.

Bill, where are all the John Waynes? This is from a lady.
Hello, Bill. I'm a big fan. I hope this gets to you.
Me and my husband take the drive from Austin to Houston,
visiting his dad in the hospital quite often.
Oh, man, that's sad. I hope he gets better.
I don't know. I hope there's something in there that's better.
That just made me sad.
Anyways, the drive can feel long, but we cut it in half with your podcast.
Oh, there we go.
We get good laughs, and we don't have to talk to each other.
I'm ready to get your opinion.
I may be wrong, but I'm open to hear what you think.
I wanted to have a pedicure on my birthday.
I dragged my husband with me.
It is the best place to get a foot and calf massage.
He's never had a pedicure, so I wanted for him to experience it with me.
He was not a fan.
He didn't feel like his feet were being touched by another...
What?
He didn't like his feet being touched by another man.
Oh, God!
Another man giving you a calf massage?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
When is this month going to end?
My God, the uncomfortableness of this month.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, he thinks women try to emasculate men by having them get waxed, spray tan,
and have pedicures.
He's always referencing men in Hollywood by saying, where are all the John Waynes?
I wasn't trying to emasculate him, but to give him a new experience and hope
that he would enjoy a little relaxation.
He wasn't into it.
Tell me if you get pedicures and if you enjoy them.
You're great.
Go fuck yourself.
No, I don't get pedicures.
This is the thing.
Men are not allowed to enjoy any sensual experience unless it's with the female.
Women can just sit there and let another woman touch their feet and massage
their calves and be like, oh, my God, that feels so good.
Thank you, Stacey.
You know, we're not allowed to do something.
The thing about it is, is guys were like, when I picture guys, remember those
old square TVs that you had?
That's like what a guy is physically.
We're just like these blocks, you know, and we're just like, we're not like
that.
I'm getting grossed out.
This is just gross.
And maybe I'm fucking immature, but no, you know something?
I think, I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong here.
This is what we need, Nia, because she'll fucking soften what I'm going to say
here.
What the fuck are you doing to your man here?
Don't you want that guy you see fucking red the second anybody, an intruder
comes in?
You're killing that off of him.
He's just going to grab some fucking lamp and start smashing it over somebody's
fucking head if they come into your house.
If he's getting a calf massage and getting his toes fucking painted, what are
you doing to him?
You're rehabbing a pit bull here for no fucking reason.
He's fine the way he is.
Oh, my God.
You know something?
I think one time I did get a pedicure.
I get when I was on the fucking rich bitch tour.
You know something?
Black dudes will get manicures.
They'll get manicures.
I think it was a manicure.
Did I even get a?
I know I got a pedicure one time.
I think I was with Nia.
I think I blocked it out.
Yeah, we were in New York.
I got a pedicure.
And then the lady was rubbing my calves.
And all it did was make me want to get a fucking, you know, a happy ending.
It was just like, yeah, keep going.
Keep going.
Skip the thighs.
Get to the finish line.
I don't know.
I don't even remember the experience.
I just remember I did it because she asked me to do it.
And I did it.
And I remember laughing.
I remember being really immature.
And when I dipped my feet into the fucking water, it just was making me laugh.
I was like I almost lost control of myself because it was just something that
was so fucking foreign to me.
And I was sitting and then the more I laughed, the more Nia was laughing.
And she just kept laughing going, what?
It's nice.
It's nice.
And I just kept laughing going, what are you doing to me?
And then afterwards, I don't know, but I will say afterwards, my toes nails
were as clean as they've ever fucking been.
But, you know, I'll, you know, I'll just get one of those fucking 50 cent scrub
brushes.
I'll just tell you, can you leave them alone?
You know what I mean?
You can, you can, I understand you're trying to like give them a nice
experience, but like that can go a little too far.
And next thing you know, you're wondering what happened to the man you married.
Or maybe you're not.
Maybe you're more involved.
I don't know.
Maybe women are more involved.
I don't fucking know.
Don't ask me those questions.
I feel gross right now.