Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Dirty Feet Bitches (DFB)
Uploaded: 2015-06-30T15:19:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dirty Feet Bitches (DFB)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dirty Feet Bitches (DFB)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-30. Transcript available.

Oh, here's something. You know what's a fucking pet peeve of mine and fucking,
uh, I don't know if this is just about women or if it's casino women, I have no
idea.
But women who, uh, at the end of the night, take off their high heels because
their feet hurt and they just start walking down the street and their bare feet
are walking across the casino rug and their bare feet, you know, bottom of
their feet all fucking dirty.
I was joking about that at the Mirage. I was like, you know what? You can't,
you can't marry that. You can't marry that too. That's a quitter. You know, you,
you couldn't make it till the last fucking 1500 yards up to your room. You
couldn't throw a pair of little flippy flops into your clutch or something like
that. What kind of a fucking animal? You know, I could only imagine, I know
what women think. Well, if you had to walk around in those, yeah, you know, I'd
have some flip flops. I would, there's no fucking way.
I would ever walk barefoot across the rug. People walk in and out of the
fucking men's and ladies room with God knows, you know, what the fuck goes on
in there.
Literally a shit show, a shit and piss show goes on in there, all kinds of
bacteria. And you just walk in barefoot through it. Like you're Christ.
Jesus Christ. Your fucking girlfriend's got to wash your feet when you come in.
It just, it just, it's that to me, that takes a fucking 10 all the way down to
about.
Well, if we're just talking sex, who's kidding who a nine and a half. But if we're
talking about the mother of your children, it's just, it's done. It's a done
fucking deal. If she is an adult, if her feet are going to be that dirty, how
filthy are your fucking kids' feet going to be?
Can you jump in on this, please?
Yeah. You want to jump in on it? Grab a microphone.
Um, no, like late at night, that night we stayed out, uh, Friday night and we
ended up at the, uh, the deli there. Trying to grab me a microphone here. Would
that be in my bag?
Ah, Christ. I don't know where it is. My backpack. Yes. My pack that I put on
my back, AKA my backpack. Um, yeah, me and Jay ended up in this, uh, they got
like this Carnegie deli or Carnegie, depending if you're from the East coast or
the, or the Midwest.
I've noticed that in Pittsburgh, it's always Carnegie East coast. It's Carnegie.
Oh, traveling. Um, so we were there and these two girls got into this.
who didn't have shoes on kind of gotten this drunken, like sort of little
fucking play fight. So one of them kind of falls down and her legs go up in the
air, like right up over the booth.
And I was standing there waiting to order. And I just saw her, the filthy soles
of her feet. And, uh, it just, I, I can't say it made me lose my appetite. It,
I don't know. I'm just, I'm just babbling here. Cause you know what I'm doing?
I'm trying to find the other fucking microphone and you know, we brought it
because you brought it.
Um, there it is. No. All right. So it's down here. Here it is. Ah, there it is.
Was that, is this an entertaining podcast?
This podcast has now been renamed two people looking for a microphone.
Sonia, when we finally get this hooked up, evidently you're going to weigh in
on this.
I want to weigh you. You want to weigh in on it? You want to have your two
cents?
Yes, please. Hey, has Donald Trump been knocked out of the race yet? I'm really
rooting that he stays in the longest.
Just so he can. Just continue to be the most entertaining person on it. Cause
everybody else is going to go Al Gore.
Oh, education. We gotta, we gotta do things. Yeah. Hang on one second. Let's
see what we got here. All right.
Check, check, check. Two, two, two, check. All right. So what are your feelings?
No, I want, yeah. Talking about the, uh, dirty women, dirty feet, bitches. Yeah.
Here's the thing.
I agree with you. If you can't handle your heels, you don't need to be wearing
them. That's really the bottom line.
And I know you want to look cute. I want to look cute. I want to wear high,
sexy, gorgeous heels that make my legs and ass look amazing.
You just want to be looking cute.
But if you can't handle it, you need to not wear them.
You need to save your highest, sexiest, but most like goddamn looking shoes
that shows off your pedicure when you have a date or whatever.
When you're getting picked up and you go in the car, in the restaurant, back in
the car, back to the crib.
Otherwise you don't need to be wearing.
If you're going out dancing, you need to find some cute shoes that are a lower
heel that you can dance in and you can walk in.
Let me ask you a question.
So you don't look crazy because I can't stand that either.
Whenever I see a woman walking around with their bare feet, I want to scream at
them.
Like, don't just don't do it.
You know, it's great to, you know, what's great handle it.
Don't do it.
And also save your feet.
Be smart.
It's not worth it.
It's really not worth it.
Looking like, what's the word I want to use?
Can I say something?
A trashy mess.
Can I get a word?
Tracing through the casino with no shoes on.
You know what else is great?
Not worth it.
It's when they take the shoes off and they're just, now they look like this
little stumpy person in this short dress and the illusion of all the other
women.
And you're like, oh my God, look how long those legs are.
You really start doing the math.
You start knocking off a few inches.
I have shoes that I wear if I'm going to a concert.
Well, see, the thing is, I feel like if I go to a concert, I'm not doing that
standing room shit because I'm too old for it anyway.
But I have shoes.
If I'm going out, there's going to be like a dance floor.
Is it fucked up that I say that I wouldn't marry someone that takes their shoes
off?
That's a lock the door test.
That's a little extreme.
The lock the door test?
Are you talking about the car door thing from A Bronx Tale?
Yeah.
Do any of your girlfriends, are they that take the shoes off people?
No.
Do you have any dirty feet bitches in your crew?
No.
I don't have any dirty feet bitches in my crew.
You keep them on or you don't wear them.
Seriously, though.
Well, there you go.
So why the hell would you fucking marry that and have a kid?
Well, I don't know if you need to make the leap from you take off your shoes to
equals I'm not going to marry you.
That's a bit of a stretch, don't you think?
Unbreedable.
Unbreedable.
Yeah, you're done.
I might have to add that into the fucking act as far as like the people that,
you know, when I'm doing my cleanse of the population so the water supply stays
where it needs to be.
Oh, that would be another person I would get rid of.
Women who take their shoes off when the final 10% of the night are content to
walk down a public fucking street.
And you know, also, women, why don't you put in inserts, insoles into your
shoes?
I have insoles in all of my heels.
They get the clear ones, the Dr. Scholls.
I know you feel like an old lady going into that section, but I have them in
every single pair of heels because and even still, they hurt my fucking feet.
Because they're dumb, Nia.
Because they're dumb people.
Why would they go out and go do something?
You're asking them, why don't they do something smart?
Yeah, well, maybe.
Because they're dumb.
Who kind of fucking pro?
I don't give a shit if I was wearing snowshoes.
There's no fucking way I would take those off and walk barefoot across the
casino.
When we went to the Michael Jackson show, those shoes that I was wearing,
gorgeous, amazing, hurt my feet like a bitch, expensive.
I put the insoles in them.
Annoying, unnecessary.
They still hurt, and I stuck it out.
I stuck it fucking out because I committed myself to wearing them, and I wasn't
going to quit, and I wasn't going to look like one of those girls because that's
messy.
That's sloppy.
You don't want to look like that.
Yeah.
I rockied that shit.
Boom, boom.
Yeah.
Nee, nee, boo.
Yeah.
You got to just take it.
Deal with it.
And if you can't hang, then don't worry.
I'm sorry.
By the way, Michael Jackson's show was amazing.
Amazing.
Even with the Scooby-Doo kids.
That was weird.
No, that was for the kids.
But I don't want to ruin the show.
But at one point, I challenge any person to go to that show, and at some point,
you're not thinking, just put on the fucking hat.
Just put on the fucking hat.
That musical theater, whoa.
I get it.
The hat has power.
Put it on and do your fucking dance already.
Jesus Christ.
It's a Cirque du Soleil show.
It's called One.
It's tremendous.
Please go see this show, and I challenge you not to cry.
Time Magazine says, all right, I'm going to talk about hockey now.
I laughed, I cried.
I'm going to talk about hockey now.
Oh, so this is the part where I dip out, right?
And this is the part where I say, thank you for not being a dirty feet, bitch.
I love you, too.
Fucking animals.