Name: Bill Burr - Offended Audience Members
Uploaded: 2015-06-30T15:29:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Offended Audience Members' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Offended Audience Members' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-06-30. Transcript available.

So anyways, this is the last night of the tour.
I want to thank everybody that's come out on this one.
And I want to thank Joe Bartnick for absolutely crushing it right up until
Wednesday.
Bakersfield, the last one, and then fucking Jay Lawhead came in after fucking
Bartnick
gave me a strong seven innings.
I went to the bullpen, you know.
He gave me six and two thirds, then he walked the next batter.
Then I brought in fucking, brought in Lawhead, Lawhead crushed it.
And it was a crazy week of shows.
Then we did some place in the Inland Empire.
And 98% of the people were cool there.
And then there was just some of the drunkest fucking animals I've ever been,
that I've been
in front of in a while.
I'm talking like literally screaming and whistling during setups.
Like I wasn't even saying anything.
And I'd just be like, well, you know, I've been doing stand-up for a while.
And somebody in the back of it was like, just fucking whistling.
About what?
I don't know.
I felt like I was doing like a rock concert.
You know, like when you listen to a live album and they'll end the song.
And one of those mumbling jackass singer-songwriters will be like, you know, we've
been coming
out here for a while.
And he'll go, yeah!
It's like, dude, he hasn't said anything.
He's on his way to the point.
And people are already screaming because they're fucking wasted.
So my apologies to the sober people who are at that show.
That show was fucking brutal.
I'll be honest with you, man.
That one was a lot of work with all those screaming.
And it was like 20 people.
And they were in all different parts of the venue.
And they were screaming and yelling.
And I finally snapped in the end.
And I don't know.
And I said a word I shouldn't have said.
You know what I mean?
And then something in the crowd like related to it.
And then they came up to me and they fucking gave me the tickets back.
I'm like, oh, you spent all this money on you.
And then through the whole fucking tragedy of their life, put it on me.
I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about.
You know?
And it's just one of those fucking things.
Once again, it's like, dude, I talked about plane crashes.
I talked about sinking cruise ships.
I made fun of Bruce Jender.
So I guess I, gender?
Bruce Jenner.
So, and he just laughed at me.
So, I mean, technically, it wasn't all of that offensive.
No, it was just a fucking thing that was about your fucking life.
And not only that, I just said a word.
I didn't even do a bit on it.
I basically said to the guy in the crowd, I said, the guy was such a fucking
moron.
90 minutes of this guy, I finally snapped.
I was like, dude, you fucking retarded.
I never say that word.
And that night, I happened to say it in a moment of fucking night.
Now, obviously, I'm not making fun of fucking whatever the fuck you're supposed
to say.
Mentally challenged people.
Why would I ever do that?
And I've said in the past I didn't.
So these fucking people come up to me.
You said in the past you don't do that.
And they fucking show me a picture of that kid and just put the whole fucking
thing on me.
And I want to apologize to the next 40 people in line because I was processing
what the fuck just happened.
And then I got livid.
The way they fucking handed me the tickets back and I took them because I didn't
know what they were saying.
Like, here, throw these things out.
Like, here, throw these things out.
You're a piece of shit.
And, you know, it's like, it's like, if they're listening, 100%, I apologize.
And 100%, go fuck yourself.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
You never said anything fucked up.
Right?
You never laughed at something you shouldn't have said.
You never lost your temper and fucking said something.
If you don't dump your whole fucking life on me like that, like I'm the worst
fucking person ever.
You know, you are out of line.
And not only that, once I realized what the fuck you were talking about, I said,
oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, that guy was yelling, I shouldn't have said it, blah, blah, blah.
And you just wouldn't accept it.
You wouldn't fucking accept it.
You had to have your moment.
So, you know, my apologies and fuck you.
So, that was that night.
Anyways, you know what I mean?
I mean, dude, some fucked up shit happened to me when I was a kid that I will
not get into.
But I've seen comics joke about it.
I don't give a fuck.
I know they're not attacking me.
I know they don't wish that misery on me.
Jesus, fuck, I'm on a comedy show, right?
Jesus Christ, every fucking week, you guys call me a ginger 12 ways to Sunday.
I don't give a fuck.
Do I think you really hate me?
If you hated me, you wouldn't be writing in.
I get it.
You're fucking around.
Sorry.
I had to get that out.
It was something I wasn't going to talk about.
But if I didn't talk about it, it'd be fucking flicking me in the back of my
ear for the rest of this podcast.
So, anyways.
Oh, my God.
I was literally going like, you know what?
I'm never going out after a fucking show again.
That's how fucking awful that whole goddamn moment was.
All right.
This is why I probably shouldn't have talked about that because now I'm fucking.
I don't know.
I wish I didn't say it.
Why the fuck did they have to come that night?
You know, what are the fucking hours?
Why did that drunk have to be there?
You know, if I just ended the show five minutes before, I wouldn't have said.
It just fucking kills you.
You know, people.
Everybody's got a fucking moment now.
You know what I mean?
It's like, dude, I'm fucking driving through this country.
Right.
And you just seen all the water out in California.
It is at brutally low levels.
And, you know.
Old Tony Monsanto there.
Whatever the fuck you say.
Tony's fucking with the food.
None of these cunts running for president are going to talk about any of that.
It's all going to be like the level with which people are freaking out that gay
people can now get married.
Who gives a fuck?
Who aren't like?
I don't understand people trying to protect.
You know, what do they call it?
The sanctity of marriage or whatever these fucking morons are talking about.
It's like, dude, I don't know if you've noticed, like 60 percent of them go
down the shitter anyways.
You know what I mean?
Maybe these gay people will be better at it than straight people.
And they'll up the numbers.
Right.
Oh, those poor bastards.
Gay people, God bless you.
But I don't think that you realize what you fucking walked into.
We want to do it, too.
Jesus Christ.
You know what being married is like?
Being married is like going on a ride at Six Flags.
You know what I mean?
It's fun.
It's fucking exciting.
But there's like a fucking chance that one of the bolts is going to come off.
And you're going to go flying into the woods.
Have I ever told you guys about that?
I don't go to I don't go to amusement parks.
I absolutely refuse.
You know, maybe, you know, Disneyland I would go to.
I've gone to that.
But even then, you go in Space Mountain.
You're like, how fucking old is this ride?
You know what I mean?
Just there's always something going on.
But, you know, I feel like the stationary ones are safer because you know where
they're at.
Those ones where they pick it up and put it down and then leave town.
You know, you're still you flew into the bushes and they go, all right, let's
wrap it up.
And they get the fuck out of there.
Plus the wear and tear of putting them together and taking them down and
everything.
Oh, man.
Why the fuck did that happen?
So that fucking just.
That's the worst moment I've had as a comedian in a long fucking time.
Because I felt I really hurt those people.
And I didn't want to do that.
But then to the way they fucking.
You know, just right in my just the whole fucking thing.
And then it wasn't until I just wish in the moment I could have said that.
So, like, plane crashes are OK.
You're all right with that.
Cruise ships, you're OK.
Cruise ships sinking.
That's fine.
You know what I mean?
Me teasing fucking Caitlyn Jenner.
That's fine.
That's not that.
All of that's funny, right?
Oh, I wish I had.
I wish I had a fucking videotape of them sitting in the crowd laughing at all
of that shit.
And that fucking moron.
That's what I should have called them.
That was the thing.
I wasn't even thinking about, like, you know, mentally challenged kids when I
said that.
I was basically just saying, why are you being such a fucking cunt?
Right.
And then some feminist will come up to me.
Um, I have one of those and it's called a vagina and fucking sticks the goddamn
tickets back in my face.
Sorry and lighten the fuck up.
How about that?
How about that?
If you're going to go to a comedy show, if not, you know, stay the fuck home.
Go watch Lifetime.