Name: Bill Burr - Women's World Cup / The Cunt Factor
Uploaded: 2015-07-07T13:51:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women's World Cup / The Cunt Factor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women's World Cup / The Cunt Factor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-07. Transcript available.

Speaking of ladies, luck be a lady tonight.
You won the ladies world cup.
You stuck that ball in the motherfucking goal.
And you won the world cup for the third fucking time.
The fucking men haven't even won it once.
It isn't fair.
It is not right.
Why do only the ladies win the fucking world cup?
While all the guys got their soccer balls on ice.
Sorry.
The ladies world cups.
I actually fucking really got into it.
And by really getting into it, I kept forgetting it was on.
But whenever I saw it, I kept going, you know what?
I'm going to watch this.
I saw Japan versus Australia.
Japan obviously won that one because they played the ladies in the final, right?
You know what?
The fucking women had, the women had what?
Three goals in the first, four goals in like the first, I don't know how many
minutes.
Like five minutes or something like that.
I missed it.
Of course.
I was out.
What was I doing?
I was playing drums.
You know what I mean?
I was doing that shit.
And then I fucking came back.
That's what I do.
I look like a fucking eight year old.
I should have died when I was 12.
What am I doing here?
All right.
So back to the ladies, the ladies of women's soccer, the soccer playing human
beings that
have the lady bits.
All right.
So they scored four goals.
Of course, I missed all the fucking goals.
The only goal, it was four to one.
The only goal I saw was when Japan all of a sudden cut it to four to two.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
Is this like NHL hockey where no lead is safe anymore?
And then the ladies came right back down and gave Japan the old right there,
Fred.
They gave me all right there, Fred.
Bam.
Shut the fuck up.
Go home.
Go home crying because you just lost.
All right.
Now.
Let's look.
I actually, this is how into what a sports nerd I am.
Even a sport that I don't even, admittedly, do not even watch.
Or don't watch it nearly as much as I should.
Because it is a beautiful sport.
Especially the way that women play it.
I actually prefer women's soccer to men's soccer.
Why, you say, over there in jolly old England?
Ireland or fucking Argentina, Brazil, Germany.
All this fucking soccer, Giants football.
I'll tell you why I prefer it.
Because the women don't dive every three seconds crying like a bunch of babies.
When the women go down, like they fucking, you know, they got tripped up.
And then they look at the ref like, what the fuck?
You going to call that?
I thought the women play, you know, they play a better game.
They just play a better fucking game.
I'm sure the men's is a little faster.
Fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But all the goddamn fucking whining and crying in men's soccer.
I'll tell you right now, men's football players, you got to be ashamed of
yourself.
And that goes for you too there, fucking Rooney.
Or whatever your fucking name is there on Man United.
All right?
Looking like fucking, I don't want to fucking, what the, champ sport, whatever
the fucking character's name is.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Let's just fucking plow your head here.
Yeah.
The women don't fucking cry every two seconds, but I will tell you this.
What is fucking funny is when they lost Japan's goalie, just started crying.
I mean, the defense sucks.
The defense had a total fucking meltdown.
I don't know what the women, the ladies coach saw, but whatever it was, they
exploited it fucking three times in the first five minutes.
And the only bad goal was when they, they actually shot one from center ice.
And, uh, the goalie looked like me playing right field when I was in fourth
grade.
Like, oh, it's going to drop in for a single.
Come on, come on.
Maybe, oh shit, it's over my head.
Remember that when you totally misjudged it?
Second hits the bat, you start running in towards the first baseman.
And then, I don't know.
And then, so within three steps, you do that fucking just immediate stop.
And then, all of a sudden, your head's back at a 45 degree angle as that ball
just keeps going up over your head.
That's what she did.
And what's funny is she leaped up in the air with the one hand to try to stop
it.
And when it went over her head, she just fucking landed on her entire backside.
And you could already see her just going, fuck.
And in the end of the game, I guess she felt that she cost her team the victory,
which she didn't.
It was absolutely horrific defense.
She just bursted out crying, which is one of the beautiful things about being a
woman.
You know, when you look at a baby, all right, boy or girl, you know, they want
something, you know, that's yours, something of value.
And you take it away so you can't have that.
And they want it.
They immediately just, they just start fucking crying.
They're upset.
They don't like what's happened.
And they immediately, they just cry it out.
Women can do that.
Women can do that.
And you feel bad for them.
If a man cries another man, the only thing you can do is just laugh in their
face and tease them until they stop doing it because it makes you so fucking
uncomfortable as a man.
The only time it's acceptable is when your friend blows his head off with a
mortar round, whatever the fuck he did at a, you know, at a 4th of July party.
And even then, even then, you know, you got to shake it off within a couple of
Miller highlights there.
You know, all right, Cliff, he's dead.
Okay.
It's not going to bring him back.
We still got all these beers.
What is the difference if we'd say it now or in the morning?
He's going to be just as dead in the morning.
We're running out of ice.
We got to finish these things.
And you're like, you're right, man.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
You know, it's just like, why would he do that?
Sorry.
That's the thing about women.
They can just fucking cry.
And we're not allowed to.
And it's that combination that they are allowed to cry out their pain and we
have to hold on to it.
And the fact that they then turn around and nag the fucking shit out of us,
that they actually take 10 years off our lives.
Do you realize that if women died 10 years before men did, can you imagine how
much they'd be complaining about that?
How much they would be blaming us for it?
You know, when we say that we die, you know, men die 10 years early.
They just blame us.
Well, you know, you don't, you hold on to your emotions.
You don't go to the doctor.
Yeah.
And what about the cunt factor?
Huh?
Anything there?
Can you, if I'm sweaty God, if you turn the fucking tables and women died an
average of 10 years before men did.
All right.
What color, what pansy color uniform would the NFL players have to wear for an
entire fucking month as they raised awareness?
How much would they be blaming us?
How many movies would Meryl Streep win an Oscar for playing the woman that was
strong enough to die at the same time as the guy in her life?
I don't know.
You know, what's funny about guys and the beauty of guys is we still, we don't
even give a shit.
We die 10 years sooner than you do.
And we don't even give a fuck.
It's the beauty of the simplistic man brain.