Name: Bill Burr - Finance Question
Uploaded: 2015-07-14T14:10:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Finance Question' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Finance Question' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-14. Transcript available.

Finance question.
Hey, Billy Galaxy, my lady and I are getting married in two weeks.
Good for you, man.
If you love her, that's the greatest fucking move you're ever going to make.
I never thought I'd say this.
I actually love being married.
I like going out, doing my spots.
I like coming directly home.
I like being in bed by 11.
It's fucking great.
Now that I'm not boozing, I'm getting up, I'm losing weight.
I will tell you, though, oh, my God.
I'm only a week in.
I drive by billboards and I just see a frosty fucking mug of beer.
I'm just like, dude, I want 50 of those.
I want fucking 50 of those.
I'm one of those guys I'm never going to just not drink.
There's no fucking way.
I like it too much.
I'm not addicted to it.
I just fucking love it.
I can't wait for these fucking 72 days to get over so I can fuck my liver up
again.
I fucking love it.
And I am not ashamed to say it.
You know, I'm not slapping around my wife.
I'm not screaming at children.
I get shit faced in my own fucking home or I go out and I'm a happy drunk.
You know, I'm a happy fucking drunk.
But it's really helping me to count down the days rather than to go up.
Because to me to sit there and think I'm at day number seven and I'm trying to
get to 72 is fucking brutal.
But if I look at it the other way and say, hey, 65 more days for some reason.
It's like when I'm on a treadmill.
I'd rather count down from 60 minutes than start at one.
I don't know why.
That's how my brain works.
What are you going to do for me?
So anyway, what are you going to do for me?
What do you want from me?
I should have said.
All right.
My lady and I are getting married in two weeks.
All is great.
Very excited.
Yada.
We both have good jobs, each making about 125 grand a year in Chicago.
You guys are crushing it.
Pay down your credit cards.
Save up your fucking money and buy something that you can live in and kick the
shit out of the principal.
All right.
Have your money work for you.
You earned it.
It should work for you.
My question is, what advice do you have for us regarding how to share in the
finances moving forward?
Do we keep separate accounts, one joint account for bills?
Maybe have Nia weigh in on this.
Yeah, I never did the joint account thing.
If you're going to do the joint account thing, like you're really taking a risk
there.
Because at any moment, especially in the Midwest, your partner can get addicted
to meth.
Okay, and don't even fucking roll your eyes at me because I do road gigs and I
know where the meth before and after fucking billboards are.
You get out in the Midwest.
And you drive through Iowa, you drive through Wyoming, I know maybe not in
fucking, I don't know.
I think that I'm a fan of separate accounts because I understand money and I
don't blow it and I invest it as wisely as I possibly can.
Except for my drinking habits and my hobbies.
But that would be up to you.
It'd be up to.
One of my relatives got married and he said that was really freaky at first and
then it was cool.
I don't think it's a big deal.
Like I trust my wife to combine accounts and all that type of shit.
To be honest with you, we just haven't.
You know what I mean?
But that's something that you guys should probably talk about.
But I would say if she's not bringing it up, I wouldn't bring it up either.
And if she does bring it up, be like, yeah, hey, why don't we sit down and talk
about that?
And just have a serious conversation going like, all right, this is a
tremendous, tremendous responsibility for me.
Always put it on yourself so the listener will actually listen.
All right?
Don't come at me, hey, fucking shit dick, you know, I don't want you fucking
spending my money.
Don't look at, don't come at him now because they'll shut down and get
defensive.
You got to come at him like this.
Just be like, this is a huge responsibility.
I want you to know this is a huge responsibility for me, which then she'll have
to say, oh, it's a huge responsibility for me too.
Right?
You'll get her to say that.
You'll have her on tape saying that.
And just say, listen, you know, as much as we're married and we're combining
our accounts, I respect the money that you're bringing into the account.
And I want you to know that I would never, like, go out and buy either
something sizable or a bunch of knickknacks that ended up being sizable.
Chunk out of the fucking account, out of respect for how hard you work.
Okay?
And really sit down and talk about money, talk about how you want to invest it,
learn about money and all that type of shit.
So you don't end up like one of these people who puts the money in there and
you think everything's fucking fine.
And then they're, they're, they got a credit card that they're fucking lighting
up and then they attached your fucking, I don't know what.
It's one bank account and they go, well, you got the money in there.
It's under your name.
We want our 15 fucking grand and seven, eight of that grand is yours.
And that goes flying out the window because she bought a bunch of blouses and,
and shoes and this shit can happen.
All right.
And I'm speaking from the male perspective because I am a guy and that doesn't
make me a sexist.
Okay.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about these fucking groups, by the way, how
dumb it is to, to join a group and why it's doomed for failure.
A lot of times it's because once you join a group that has a cause, you
basically go into this think tank where everybody basically shares the same
point of view.
So you don't have anybody keeping you in check going like, well, you know, I
don't know about that.
Or, Hey, you know, you insulted him a little bit, a little bit, you insulted
him.
So it's like, it becomes like when two conspiracy theories meet each other and,
you know, conspiracy theorists need somebody to be sitting there going like,
dude, do you really think, or all right, dude,
you know, I was with you till then, but if two conspiracy theorists meet each
other, they just, dude, you know what else?
Oh yeah.
You know what I heard?
And they just fucking, they, they just go right down the rabbit hole.
And I think a lot of times why, when I listened to like a lot of the feminists
complaining, it strikes me as funny because so much of the shit that they're
bitching about, I relate to.
It's like, yeah, that's happened to me.
That has also happened to me.
20% of it.
Yeah.
I'll go with it.
Yeah.
That's fucked up, you know, but just know that even if you,
you got on par with guys, you're still staring at an 80% fuck over.
That's the best I can give you.
Is that sexist?
If it is, I don't give a fuck.