Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Dead Beat Dads / The Tea Story
Uploaded: 2015-07-18T12:07:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dead Beat Dads / The Tea Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dead Beat Dads / The Tea Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-07-18. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the thursday afternoon monday
morning podcast just
before friday sorry man i'm running out of ways to say it i try to do it
differently every week
because i know people are starting to do mashups up and so i try to give you
something i'm trying
to give you something to work with um i'm doing this on a friday why you ask it's
like what the
bill the monday morning podcast is always late did you come up with the thursday
afternoon monday
morning podcast just before friday just just to just to disappoint us twice in
one week huh
like the podcasting version of a deadbeat father deadbeat dad why isn't a deadbeat
father
i'll tell you why because there's no alliteration and on the news you can't
keep people sitting there
listening with their mouths hanging out there up next deadbeat fathers nah that
doesn't work up next
deadbeat dads what are they doing these deadbeat dads deadbeat dads are douches
up next on ktla
sarah can you tell us your story about being married to a deadbeat dad well you
know i probably shouldn't
have sucked his dick on the first date and he said i'm gonna come and for some
reason i don't know what
i was thinking but i just crammed it into my clam hole and that's so we had our
first kid well i mean
nine months later i'm sorry i'm nervous because i'm on tv and right off the bat
it's like he'd take us to
denny's and the check would come and he would be like excuse me i have to go to
the bathroom and i never
saw him again we tracked him down deadbeat dad danny come out of this dilapidated
fucking something that begins with a d
we just want to give you your chance to tell your side of the story
i love those fucking things those news stories where they they expose bad
people like they give a
fuck you know what i mean they don't give a fuck they just know that we like
sitting back watching
people get in trouble is there anything better than that than watching somebody
getting yelled at it's
fucking phenomenal it's like you cunts last week when i went off on the burger
king guy i didn't even
know his name i didn't even know how many fucking rounds there were and i
clearly stated that i was
making fun of someone that could beat the shit out of me right so what do you cunts
do you chop it up
you leave out this where the part where i say i'm just some moron in a fucking
in my office
you chop the whole fucking thing up and then you start putting oh a fucking
comedian goes on rant
what are you doing nia i'm giving these guys shit for they they me over last
week are you talking
about uh uh corner mcgregor yeah neil loves him corner mcgregor but i i did
tweet that i was giving
that uh that win a little bit of the side eye no he they stopped it because
obviously that guy was
gassed or something would have got hurt you think so like it just i feel like
he was we can't do this
again neil we can't do this again knocked him down but not out obviously i don't
know all the rules
but he knocked him down sure and then he covered his head we don't know what we're
talking about
neither one of us take any sort of jiu-jitsu or anything we were just excited
for the underdog
we were calling mcgregor and we were like uh how badass is that guy's chest
tattoo though you got
everything about him is badass you got to be in the sickest shape ever to pull
off that that guy has
basically signed himself up to pull it like push-ups yeah and spin classes for
the rest of his
life spin classes no but you know something because he's been on tv kicking
people's asses then he can
just be like well i did that and that's why he talks so much shit like that's
the thing that's so
hilarious about him and the shit that gets him in trouble do me a favor tell me
tell them the t story
and then i gotta blow through the rest of this and then i gotta uh i gotta drop
my truck off to get
the tea story oh
so the tea story also aka bill's add or just not paying attention maybe no that's
not true
nia's laying in bed she's like oh can you go get me some tea because when you
get married you're
also like a waiter and bill's like oh okay what kind of tea do you want and i
say
i like a cup of green tea would be lovely just not the decaffeinated kind you
said not decaffeinated
not decaffeinated the regular and what did i say and you went oh yeah yeah yeah
not decaffeinated
then you walked out the door and i just sat there thinking he's not gonna get
this right
he's not and sure enough you came downstairs with your big sweet smile here you
go sweetie
and sure enough it's the decaffeinated tea when i told you not not decaffeinated
i thought there was decaffeinated and not decaffeinated so when you said not decaffeinated
i was like oh good decaffeinated i thought it was like fiction and non-fiction
no i don't drink tea and
coffee so i was like all right that's not decaffeinated that's decaffeinated
what what you should have said oh i i should i wasn't thinking you should have
said
not i was not not not decaffeinated i would have to use a double negative in
order to get your brain to work correctly well you'd say well i want a book not
non-fiction
no you wouldn't say that you would say i want a fiction book i just but the
thing
yeah but you could also say i want a book not non-fiction oh that means fiction
i knew for you
if i just said green tea you would just it listen you would have screwed it up
regardless do i get
any points for trying you do you were very sweet to even get me a cup of tea oh
don't talk about
like i'm fucking like i got some mental issue well you were very sweet is that
what i am i'm that
person the person who's never going to get laid and just stays in his hometown
for the rest of his
life he's sweet can you help me carry this thing that's really heavy i don't
think that's what's
happened but you are you are pretty i'm pretty what's the word slow on the uptake
all right listen
i gotta knock this out because i gotta drop my truck off today all right you
gotta follow me okay all
right that's it for me well i gotta i gotta i gotta i gotta trash them for that
was pretty good i gotta
trash him for uh you know i was making fun of the guy there in the tighty whiteys
that's what the one
thing i did like about conor mcgregor is that when he was corner mcgregor when
he he came out
in the tighty whitey what i did like about that is you got an idea of what it
would be like if you
broke into his home in the middle of the night he'd come out with that crazy
look that he did between
round one and two like hey you know when he put his arms out he come out in his
bare feet
and he put his heel he you'd sit he'd do this spinning thing the best sound
even though you're
getting your ass kicked would be him running across the hardwood floor the slap
of his feet and then
he'd do this spinning thing just like then he started with the spinning kick
was that somebody i think he
did and that would be right at him or was that they all ran together i forgot
to say the fight before
it was the fight of the night bloody like nightmare over there yeah that was uh
two of the sickest
warriors that guy finally his nose just exploded it was unreal she near wanted
to erase it i was like
no i have to what i gotta what i literally i'm such a tub of that i have to
watch guys fighting at that level just to get myself to take my dog on a hike
and you
know what we fast forwarded through it but i uh i think i read that shenade o'connor
like came out
and sang with corner mcgregor i'm only gonna say it like that from now on so i
have to go back and
watch that i mean i don't i i think i read that on the internet but i may be
wrong i have to go back
and you know it's funny you brought her up and i know she doesn't think this
thing sing this song but
i thought it was that that chick who married the old creepy guy that sang on
the boat
let's celine let's let's play another episode of what is bill talking about
and i i will oh it's whitney that's whitney houston oh sorry first time by dolly
partner all right
wait can you tell can you tell everybody when you were trying to describe uh
gone girl what did you
call where'd the bitch go but the thing is i know i'm wrong but i do it like i
do it like the ten
thousand dollar pyramid i just start throwing clues where'd the bitch go really
though that's a really
brilliant alternative title no when they do because hollywood keeps remaking
movies now because
everybody stole the movies so they can't they can't do anything original
anymore because what's the point
they just got to keep doing shit that works so they'll do the black version of
it which will be
where'd the bitch go and then paul paul feig will do the all-female one and i'll
turn it into a
fucking $10 zillion comedy.