Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Dentists That Kill Lions
Uploaded: 2015-08-04T06:37:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dentists That Kill Lions' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Dentists That Kill Lions' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-04. Transcript available.

My wife, for whatever fucking reason, absolutely loves that show, that American
Greed, and
she watches like three of those episodes every fucking night before we go to
bed, and I always
end up falling asleep, because it's the same fucking story over and over again,
you know?
It's the same thing, the guy starts a fucking business, he's dressing the part,
he's faking
it till you make it, he gets a bunch of investors, he hands out fake spreadsheets,
and he got
these fucking innocent people just going like, you know, I saw the returns, and
I was getting
30%, and I was like, ooh, this sounds like a good deal to me, right?
And then they always go, you know, it's always got some really bad metaphor,
they invested
in an ice cream chain, but this wasn't the flavor they were looking for, when
we returned glass
in the ice cream.
That fucking song of American Greed.
I'll tell you, you know who's going to end up on fucking American Greed is that
cunt who
shot that lion.
Everybody's talking about this dentist that went over and illegally poached
this lion that
was friendly with people.
I love that shit.
Is it friendly with people until what?
It bites somebody's fucking head off?
Fucking unreal, you know what I mean?
Everybody's fucking saying, you gas the pitbulls, you shoot a fucking lion, and
everybody's
like, oh, but he was nice!
He was a good lion.
I'm not saying it was a bad lion, I'm not saying the guy shouldn't have done it.
I think everybody's missing the fucking story here.
All right?
Speaking of American Greed, this guy paid 50 grand.
All right?
That's just for the fuck, that's not even for his flight, to go over there and
kill this
fucking lion.
All right?
I'm not trying to stir anything up here, but how the fuck can a dentist afford
to drop
50 grand to fly to Africa to shoot a fucking lion illegally?
Just think of how expensive the shoes he had to buy that he had to sneak around
in.
There had to be some sort of ninja wear fucking, I'm going to shoot a protected
lion wear that
he had on, right?
Guy dropped 50 grand on that, and now he's gone underground, they go over his
house, he's
got a mansion, right?
And all they're talking about is this fucking lion, and I'm watching an episode
of American
Greed.
How the fuck can you afford all, I'm filling fucking, how many teeth are you
filling?
This guy's pulling teeth, he's, I'm telling you right now, I used to work in a
dental office,
right?
And I, there was some good dentists, just like cops, there's some good cops,
there's
some bad cops, and I'm not talking about interrogation.
I'm talking about brandishing a weapon!
No, I'm talking about fucking people pulling teeth that didn't need to be
pulled, fucking
doing, doing fillings on teeth that did not need to be fucking drilled into
because they
bought a car beyond their own fucking needs, or whatever.
Their financial responsibility, all right?
I think this guy should be fucking taken back there, just for the simple fact,
just for
the simple fact that he went to another country and did that.
What do we got over here?
Does the MGM still have a lion?
What if he came, what if somebody from Zimbabwe came over here?
What about, and the MGM lion, right?
Right as they were recording that, you're watching an MGM film, they fuck,
please turn the air
conditioning back on?
Back on?
Yeah, the lovely Nia, everybody.
She came in.
This is a studio, man.
Dave Letterman had it cold, I'm having it cold.
He lasted fucking 30 years on television.
I want to do 30 years of podcasting.
And then make sure we have air conditioning wherever we live.
Well, what's good as the air conditioning if you're going to fucking turn it
off?
Listen, I'm talking about that dentist that went out, went over to Zimbabwe.
Anyway, you got to go grab a mic from the closet there.
Do you know that story, Nia?
Yes.
This dentist from Minnesota, he's one of those big game hunters, you know what
I mean?
He's one of those fucking guys, I'm going to shoot something that people think
is scary.
And then I can be like, God, I killed that shit.
You know, like it went up and he fucking put it in a chokehold.
It's like you didn't, you went over and you shot it.
The fact that you can go, you can walk up and kill an armed man, a human being
with a gun, you could fucking kill.
You could, you could do it.
Even if he knew you were coming, you have a gun, he has a gun, you could do
that.
So now you're going up to a lion, the thing doesn't have a gun.
So, I mean, how fucking difficult is that?
Actually, they shot it with a crossbow.
But the only reason why they shot it with a crossbow was because they were
trying to disguise.
Doesn't he have, he's gone big game hunting before, right?
Like he's done it a lot.
Well, here's the thing that I thought I saw some weirdly alarmist headline
being like, you know, he's like a serial killer of animals.
And it's like the way they were putting it was like, you know, this is what he
does all the time.
I don't know.
I haven't read about it.
He's one of those guys.
He doesn't seem like he kills to eat it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just for sport.
Yeah.
He's one of those guys to be like, yeah, you ever hear of an alligator?
Fucking shot one in the head.
It was, he put it up in his study or something like that?
Yeah, he's one of those guys.
He's one of those guys.
So what about him?
He fled, right?
Like he took off.
He went over to Zimbabwe.
He bought like a crossbow and he fucking went into some like wildlife sanctuary.
Allegedly, this lion was friendly with people.
I love that shit.
Cecil the lion?
Cecil or whatever.
It was, it's, yeah, it's friendly until it isn't.
So the one day you do something that reminds us, you know, of something from
its childhood and it fucking bites your head off.
But it's what it's supposed to do.
It's a lion.
Yeah.
It kills shit.
Yeah, of course.
So he went in and he fucking killed it, decapitated it, skinned the fucking
thing.
Yeah, he wants the head.
Yeah.
First of all, how do you get the head back?
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
You got to go gym bag.
You got to drain it out.
They probably do it there.
Oh, no.
You know what he did?
He probably.
It's like taxidermy.
Well, he probably, like, takes the fucking, just the skin from the head.
You bring that back and then you just, you have somebody, like, make a, like a
lion skull and then you put it over there.
Because no one's not going to know if the skull isn't in there.
Right?
This is the kind of shit.
This is, like, premeditated.
I have no idea.
Wait, let me ask you this, Nia, because you're into American greed.
This guy's a dentist.
He paid 50 grand to do that.
Now he's gone underground.
They're going by his house.
He has a mansion.
This guy's a dentist.
He has a mansion.
He's going all these expensive fucking, you know, going around killing all
these.
How does a dentist have all that fucking money?
Is he, like, a hoity-toity fancy dentist that, like, doesn't take any insurance?
It's all, like, self-pay.
I worked in a dental office.
Nobody was going on a safari.
Even to just look at him.
Forget about to, just to go on a safari, how much money that is.
Forget about, you're going to go over there and then sneak back later, kill a
lion, butcher the fucking thing and sneak it back.
Yeah, I don't know.
He sounds very sketchy, though.
American greed.
That's Bill doing the theme to American greed.
Later.
Oh, by the way, so do you hope that the United States extradites this dentist
back to Zimbabwe?
Do you feel like he should do 10 years in prison in a hardcore prison?
That seems like a little much.
He's going to get butt raped.
I think he should be fined probably a lot, like, a lot, a lot.
No, fuck that.
I think he should be taken back.
At some point, you've got to put a value on animals' lives.
I agree.
So, what, you're saying he should go to jail?
I don't think he should go to the hardcore one.
Right.
I think that he should go to the jail, be in protective custody, and through
his 10 years, he should have to fix everybody's teeth.
I think he should work in an animal sanctuary, like, cleaning up all, like, the
shit and everything.
He can't have that.
He can't have that.
That's like having a pedophile work at a kindergarten.
Eventually, he's going to fucking kill some.
He's going to be able to.
Well, I mean, do you know, I didn't tell you something.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
There's not some law in place about him going and killing that animal?
Because shouldn't there already be something in place?
No, there is, but he left the country.
He left the country.
He's back here.
Oh, right, right, right.
So, now he's got to get the United States to send one of their own.
Now, the United States, we're not going to send the guy because that's one of
our guys.
He's got the barcode on the back of his neck, and he's not making us any
fucking money.
By us, I mean the Illuminati guys.
You know what I mean?
He's not paying any fucking income tax or any of that type of shit.
He's not walking around, you know, saying what he's supposed to be saying
because he got it out of his TV.
You need that zombie.
You need that guy.
He's a big game hunter.
That guy, he's going to be on the side of those.
I've got to be honest with you.
I totally respect hunting.
I think it's the shit.
I love animals, too, but I think if you go out and you hunt and then you do it
for food or whatever or you're doing it to learn how to do it, I respect that.
Go shoot a fucking deer.
There's a zillion of them.
They're like mosquitoes.
But, like, to go out there and, you know, shoot a lion, a leopard, these
beautiful fucking animals with it.
Dude, believe me, if there was a bunch of fucking, if there was herds of lions
running along the prairies, I mean, that's what we would have on the 4th of
July, but we're not.
We fucking killed all of them.
And I think there's really something, like, I don't, what this guy does, I don't
lump all hunters into.
Did he go out on his own?
Was he, like, this rogue?
No, he hired these guys.
I was going to say he hired people, right?
So he had people who knew the terrain.
And those guys are busted.
Those guys are going to trial and they're staring at 10 years.
Oh, they are?
Oh, yeah, and being a bottom.
I was going to say, I know he paid somebody, like, an exorbitant amount of
money in order to do that.
He didn't just go out there on his own.
Yeah, it was incredibly stupid of the people who lived there.
And this fucking guy, I don't know, he must have had the size of that duffel
bag that he must have put the fucking head in.
It's just unbelievable to me.
I love how you're obsessed with the whole, how does the head travel from Zimbabwe
to America?
What do you do?
I don't know.
I don't know how you take a head across.
I put it up his ass, like those drug mules.
You know how we have to fill out those little cards when we travel
internationally?
It's like, are you bringing any fruit or any, like, wildlife or any, like,
plants or shit like that?
I got an elephant's head in my duffel bag.
Do you mind if I look in your bag, sir?
Yes, I do.
Do you have any liquids in there?
No, it's all been drained.
Any sharp objects?
You can't do any of that.
I actually think there's something fucking wrong with you.
If you have to go around and kill the most deadliest animals to human beings,
like, walking around doing that shit.
I feel like that was an old school, like, Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah.
I'm an insecure guy.
And, like, you see that?
Isn't it about, like, conquering this, like, foreign land?
Like, isn't that the whole thing?
It's like you sort of take over the people and the neighborhoods and, like, the
countries and then, like, kill all their wildlife.
Isn't it all about, like, I'm the big man and I can just sort of control nature
as well as man?
I don't know what it's about, but I can tell.
The only thing I'll give him props was he used a crossbow.
You know, that's, but of course, you know, he had the fucking laser pointer and
shit.
But, like, I just.
I think America has bigger problems than rich people shooting lions.

Bill Burr & Nia - Dentists That Kill Lions

My wife, for whatever fucking reason, absolutely loves that show, that American
Greed, and
she watches like three of those episodes every fucking night before we go to
bed, and I always
end up falling asleep, because it's the same fucking story over and over again,
you know?
It's the same thing, the guy starts a fucking business, he's dressing the part,
he's faking
it till you make it, he gets a bunch of investors, he hands out fake spreadsheets,
and he got
these fucking innocent people just going like, you know, I saw the returns, and
I was getting
30%, and I was like, ooh, this sounds like a good deal to me, right?
And then they always go, you know, it's always got some really bad metaphor,
they invested
in an ice cream chain, but this wasn't the flavor they were looking for, when
we returned glass
in the ice cream.
That fucking song of American Greed.
I'll tell you, you know who's going to end up on fucking American Greed is that
cunt who
shot that lion.
Everybody's talking about this dentist that went over and illegally poached
this lion that
was friendly with people.
I love that shit.
Is it friendly with people until what?
It bites somebody's fucking head off?
Fucking unreal, you know what I mean?
Everybody's fucking saying, you gas the pitbulls, you shoot a fucking lion, and
everybody's
like, oh, but he was nice!
He was a good lion.
I'm not saying it was a bad lion, I'm not saying the guy shouldn't have done it.
I think everybody's missing the fucking story here.
All right?
Speaking of American Greed, this guy paid 50 grand.
All right?
That's just for the fuck, that's not even for his flight, to go over there and
kill this
fucking lion.
All right?
I'm not trying to stir anything up here, but how the fuck can a dentist afford
to drop
50 grand to fly to Africa to shoot a fucking lion illegally?
Just think of how expensive the shoes he had to buy that he had to sneak around
in.
There had to be some sort of ninja wear fucking, I'm going to shoot a protected
lion wear that
he had on, right?
Guy dropped 50 grand on that, and now he's gone underground, they go over his
house, he's
got a mansion, right?
And all they're talking about is this fucking lion, and I'm watching an episode
of American
Greed.
How the fuck can you afford all, I'm filling fucking, how many teeth are you
filling?
This guy's pulling teeth, he's, I'm telling you right now, I used to work in a
dental office,
right?
And I, there was some good dentists, just like cops, there's some good cops,
there's
some bad cops, and I'm not talking about interrogation.
I'm talking about brandishing a weapon!
No, I'm talking about fucking people pulling teeth that didn't need to be
pulled, fucking
doing, doing fillings on teeth that did not need to be fucking drilled into
because they
bought a car beyond their own fucking needs, or whatever.
Their financial responsibility, all right?
I think this guy should be fucking taken back there, just for the simple fact,
just for
the simple fact that he went to another country and did that.
What do we got over here?
Does the MGM still have a lion?
What if he came, what if somebody from Zimbabwe came over here?
What about, and the MGM lion, right?
Right as they were recording that, you're watching an MGM film, they fuck,
please turn the air
conditioning back on?
Back on?
Yeah, the lovely Nia, everybody.
She came in.
This is a studio, man.
Dave Letterman had it cold, I'm having it cold.
He lasted fucking 30 years on television.
I want to do 30 years of podcasting.
And then make sure we have air conditioning wherever we live.
Well, what's good as the air conditioning if you're going to fucking turn it
off?
Listen, I'm talking about that dentist that went out, went over to Zimbabwe.
Anyway, you got to go grab a mic from the closet there.
Do you know that story, Nia?
Yes.
This dentist from Minnesota, he's one of those big game hunters, you know what
I mean?
He's one of those fucking guys, I'm going to shoot something that people think
is scary.
And then I can be like, God, I killed that shit.
You know, like it went up and he fucking put it in a chokehold.
It's like you didn't, you went over and you shot it.
The fact that you can go, you can walk up and kill an armed man, a human being
with a gun, you could fucking kill.
You could, you could do it.
Even if he knew you were coming, you have a gun, he has a gun, you could do
that.
So now you're going up to a lion, the thing doesn't have a gun.
So, I mean, how fucking difficult is that?
Actually, they shot it with a crossbow.
But the only reason why they shot it with a crossbow was because they were
trying to disguise.
Doesn't he have, he's gone big game hunting before, right?
Like he's done it a lot.
Well, here's the thing that I thought I saw some weirdly alarmist headline
being like, you know, he's like a serial killer of animals.
And it's like the way they were putting it was like, you know, this is what he
does all the time.
I don't know.
I haven't read about it.
He's one of those guys.
He doesn't seem like he kills to eat it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just for sport.
Yeah.
He's one of those guys to be like, yeah, you ever hear of an alligator?
Fucking shot one in the head.
It was, he put it up in his study or something like that?
Yeah, he's one of those guys.
He's one of those guys.
So what about him?
He fled, right?
Like he took off.
He went over to Zimbabwe.
He bought like a crossbow and he fucking went into some like wildlife sanctuary.
Allegedly, this lion was friendly with people.
I love that shit.
Cecil the lion?
Cecil or whatever.
It was, it's, yeah, it's friendly until it isn't.
So the one day you do something that reminds us, you know, of something from
its childhood and it fucking bites your head off.
But it's what it's supposed to do.
It's a lion.
Yeah.
It kills shit.
Yeah, of course.
So he went in and he fucking killed it, decapitated it, skinned the fucking
thing.
Yeah, he wants the head.
Yeah.
First of all, how do you get the head back?
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
You got to go gym bag.
You got to drain it out.
They probably do it there.
Oh, no.
You know what he did?
He probably.
It's like taxidermy.
Well, he probably, like, takes the fucking, just the skin from the head.
You bring that back and then you just, you have somebody, like, make a, like a
lion skull and then you put it over there.
Because no one's not going to know if the skull isn't in there.
Right?
This is the kind of shit.
This is, like, premeditated.
I have no idea.
Wait, let me ask you this, Nia, because you're into American greed.
This guy's a dentist.
He paid 50 grand to do that.
Now he's gone underground.
They're going by his house.
He has a mansion.
This guy's a dentist.
He has a mansion.
He's going all these expensive fucking, you know, going around killing all
these.
How does a dentist have all that fucking money?
Is he, like, a hoity-toity fancy dentist that, like, doesn't take any insurance?
It's all, like, self-pay.
I worked in a dental office.
Nobody was going on a safari.
Even to just look at him.
Forget about to, just to go on a safari, how much money that is.
Forget about, you're going to go over there and then sneak back later, kill a
lion, butcher the fucking thing and sneak it back.
Yeah, I don't know.
He sounds very sketchy, though.
American greed.
That's Bill doing the theme to American greed.
Later.
Oh, by the way, so do you hope that the United States extradites this dentist
back to Zimbabwe?
Do you feel like he should do 10 years in prison in a hardcore prison?
That seems like a little much.
He's going to get butt raped.
I think he should be fined probably a lot, like, a lot, a lot.
No, fuck that.
I think he should be taken back.
At some point, you've got to put a value on animals' lives.
I agree.
So, what, you're saying he should go to jail?
I don't think he should go to the hardcore one.
Right.
I think that he should go to the jail, be in protective custody, and through
his 10 years, he should have to fix everybody's teeth.
I think he should work in an animal sanctuary, like, cleaning up all, like, the
shit and everything.
He can't have that.
He can't have that.
That's like having a pedophile work at a kindergarten.
Eventually, he's going to fucking kill some.
He's going to be able to.
Well, I mean, do you know, I didn't tell you something.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
There's not some law in place about him going and killing that animal?
Because shouldn't there already be something in place?
No, there is, but he left the country.
He left the country.
He's back here.
Oh, right, right, right.
So, now he's got to get the United States to send one of their own.
Now, the United States, we're not going to send the guy because that's one of
our guys.
He's got the barcode on the back of his neck, and he's not making us any
fucking money.
By us, I mean the Illuminati guys.
You know what I mean?
He's not paying any fucking income tax or any of that type of shit.
He's not walking around, you know, saying what he's supposed to be saying
because he got it out of his TV.
You need that zombie.
You need that guy.
He's a big game hunter.
That guy, he's going to be on the side of those.
I've got to be honest with you.
I totally respect hunting.
I think it's the shit.
I love animals, too, but I think if you go out and you hunt and then you do it
for food or whatever or you're doing it to learn how to do it, I respect that.
Go shoot a fucking deer.
There's a zillion of them.
They're like mosquitoes.
But, like, to go out there and, you know, shoot a lion, a leopard, these
beautiful fucking animals with it.
Dude, believe me, if there was a bunch of fucking, if there was herds of lions
running along the prairies, I mean, that's what we would have on the 4th of
July, but we're not.
We fucking killed all of them.
And I think there's really something, like, I don't, what this guy does, I don't
lump all hunters into.
Did he go out on his own?
Was he, like, this rogue?
No, he hired these guys.
I was going to say he hired people, right?
So he had people who knew the terrain.
And those guys are busted.
Those guys are going to trial and they're staring at 10 years.
Oh, they are?
Oh, yeah, and being a bottom.
I was going to say, I know he paid somebody, like, an exorbitant amount of
money in order to do that.
He didn't just go out there on his own.
Yeah, it was incredibly stupid of the people who lived there.
And this fucking guy, I don't know, he must have had the size of that duffel
bag that he must have put the fucking head in.
It's just unbelievable to me.
I love how you're obsessed with the whole, how does the head travel from Zimbabwe
to America?
What do you do?
I don't know.
I don't know how you take a head across.
I put it up his ass, like those drug mules.
You know how we have to fill out those little cards when we travel
internationally?
It's like, are you bringing any fruit or any, like, wildlife or any, like,
plants or shit like that?
I got an elephant's head in my duffel bag.
Do you mind if I look in your bag, sir?
Yes, I do.
Do you have any liquids in there?
No, it's all been drained.
Any sharp objects?
You can't do any of that.
I actually think there's something fucking wrong with you.
If you have to go around and kill the most deadliest animals to human beings,
like, walking around doing that shit.
I feel like that was an old school, like, Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah.
I'm an insecure guy.
And, like, you see that?
Isn't it about, like, conquering this, like, foreign land?
Like, isn't that the whole thing?
It's like you sort of take over the people and the neighborhoods and, like, the
countries and then, like, kill all their wildlife.
Isn't it all about, like, I'm the big man and I can just sort of control nature
as well as man?
I don't know what it's about, but I can tell.
The only thing I'll give him props was he used a crossbow.
You know, that's, but of course, you know, he had the fucking laser pointer and
shit.
But, like, I just.
I think America has b