Name: Bill Burr - Lenny's Dick
Uploaded: 2015-08-07T12:46:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lenny's Dick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lenny's Dick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-07. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the thursday afternoon monday
morning podcast just
before friday and i'm just checking what's going on i'm gonna get complaints
from my neighbors
because i got the fucking door open i don't give a shit because it's hot today
oh it's a
i'll tell you it's a hot one you know um it's fucking hot as shit but i live in
california
and i'm not running the fucking ac i'm doing my part you know i'm doing my part
for the fishies for
the water that we steal or whatever uh you know i'm fucking you know i'm doing
what i can that's all
that's all you can do that's all you can do you know you just do what you can
okay you just hope
that the people at the top that don't give a fuck about anybody but themselves
and their balls will
will maybe let something trickle down to you woo that's right to you woo um
yeah i've been um
i've been trying to do my part you know i was really fucking into that shit for
a while and then i just
like you know what nobody else gives a fuck i'm not trying and then i've come i've
fucking grown up
and i got out of it i've sworn off bottled water i'm not doing anymore i walk
around like like a
fucking adult toddler i got a giant fucking thermos and i fill that thing up
before i leave
and then i just go out and uh i'm gonna take that thing on the road with me i'm
gonna sip from it
though there's no way i'm gonna sit you know drink from it when i'm on stage
when i do my shows because
it's got like this red dog dick tip i get heckled enough as it is but uh you
know you see that shit
enough bottled water is used every year and thrown out to go around the whole
fucking world or something
i think that's just our country i don't know what this hippie told me it wasn't
even a hippie it was
something on the discovery channel and um so i'm trying not to do that and then
i'm taking quicker
showers basically hose myself down like a dog and then i shut off the water
then i then i soap myself
up relax ladies try to try to compose yourselves here and then when i'm done
doing that then i just
rinse myself off and it's over because i'm sick of people going you know
actually if you take a bath
to use less water than if you if you're standing up it's like dude a bath you're
laying in your own
filth you know what i mean it's fucking gross unless you're a hot broad with
some fucking bubble shit
going on you're in there reading your little fucking book about the prince that's
going to touch the
ladies clam after they kiss the horse with the frog there right then it's just
gross you're just
you're a fucking animal you know it's clean water until you get in it then you're
just sitting there
there's a lot of shit with that you know people wash you know wash your hands
after you take a piss
it's like why don't you fucking wash your hands before you do it okay you're
not opening doors with
your dick are you unless you're like lenny kravitz and you squatted down during
your solo and your
fucking dick came out how fucking awesome is that big shout out to lenny kravitz
having a great
fucking rock and roll moment he fucking was doing a show i think over in sweden
and he's wearing
leather pants because he's a fucking rock star and he squats down during a solo
and his fucking dick
flopped out and according to my wife who told me right i don't give a fuck i
don't give a fuck if my
wife looks at lenny's dick why wouldn't you if you're abroad why wouldn't you
um you know if
one of those fucking uh one of those fucking pop stars clams came out you think
i'm not looking
remember when beyonce fell down the stairs you remember that you were waiting
for a teddy to come
out you weren't concerned about whether she got concussed where are you you
were waiting for an
iconic teddy to flop out it has not happened as far as i know since janet jackson
there was all that
skanky wardrobe malfunction nothing that it was like you forgot that you weren't
wearing panties
and fucking britney would get out and show her fucking clam you know what i
mean that tallahassee
fucking twat that she has i mean that's not sexy she's one of those dirty feet
chicks
she's one of those chicks walking in the fucking liquor store without fucking
sandals on and that's
mother too and i know i'm being harsh i know i'm judging her but you know
ladies if you if you're
filthy if you got dirty feet let's try to keep the titties in the sports bra
this summer
all right however if you clean you know and you roll down a flight of stairs by
all means let him come
up you know give somebody a show that's all i'm saying you know i'm trying to
bring people together
here so anyways his fucking dick flopped out in the middle of his fucking solo
in front of a crowd of
people he's playing a guitar solo as a rock star wearing leather pants and his
dick flops out i mean
come on how do you how does it get better than that as a man how can you be
crushing it any harder
i'll tell you are how you actually have a fucking your dick pierced you know
what i mean that makes
it even better which evidently he did this guy's dick was actually weighted
down and it's still flopped
out i bought last uh monday when i was talking about how dicks are out in the
fucking locker room
well they're out at a lenny kravitz concert too so if you're easily offended
if you don't got the quick twitch and you can't move your head out of the way
quickly you might not
want to go for those front row seats you know i don't know what i'm talking
about i know i'm talking
about i'm talking about lenny's dick coming out good for him and you know when
anybody's offended by
that fuck that that took 20 years for that guys he's been around since 1988
what am i talking about
this guy's been around for 27 years without incident i think once every three
decades if your dick flops
out during a performance what are you what are you going to do it's bound to
happen right
you know somebody's going to oh wait what it happened over in europe they don't
give a shit
right probably happened to them all the time their fucking jeans are so tight
over there
all those tight ass jeans wearing fucking people over there in europe i don't
know what the deal is
i think after world war ii if your pants were too saggy someone would come by
and just snatch them
like a pair of warm-up fucking sweaties you know those guys wearing the nba
right some tearaways
so the people over there in europe you know their grandparents came back and
they had to wear
tighty fucking jeans and then their kids did it now their kids kids do it and
they're just walking
around with those tight fucking jeans all up on their nuts