Name: Bill Burr - Coach Clam and Ball Grabbing While Walking
Uploaded: 2015-08-14T12:34:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Coach Clam and Ball Grabbing While Walking' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Coach Clam and Ball Grabbing While Walking' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-14. Transcript available.

NFL is a men's football league, all right?
Men only!
I'm fucking with you.
I don't give a shit if they have female coaches,
but I don't believe in the NFL getting female coaches
because they give a shit about women.
The NFL basically hit maximum density with male fans,
and they have just been bending over
and grabbing their fucking ankles,
trying to get as many women to enjoy the fucking game
so they can make even more fucking money
selling pink jerseys.
So then they got in business with the pink lady, right?
They fucking, now they got a coach.
But when it really comes down to it,
they showed their true colors
when Ray Rice knocked out that lady in the fucking elevator
and dragged her out like a caveman.
You know?
They don't give a fuck.
They gave them four games over that.
They don't even pay attention.
I don't think they even fucking pay attention.
So anyway, so there's going to be a woman,
oh God, a woman fucking coach.
Just the amount of disruption that that's going to cause.
You know?
It used to be back in the day.
Back in the day, the fucking coach just ran right in the locker room,
screaming at everybody as they had their dicks hanging out.
Now, you know, and he was in the moment.
He just saw that now we have to,
wait a minute, everybody hang on.
Put your towels on.
Lorraine's coming in.
Let's try to watch your language, everybody.
Gee, I'll tell you, that was a heck of a thumping we took there in the first
half.
And I got to tell you, I'm, oh, I'm really disappointed.
Um, I don't know.
I give up.
Is there any place we can go?
I don't understand why they think we're so fucking stupid,
yet they want to be involved in everything we're doing.
You know we're dumb.
You know we're going to say a bunch of dumb shit.
Why would you want to be around us?
Jesus Christ, I need to take breaks from hanging out with my friends.
We're fucking idiots.
I literally have to take breaks from hanging out with my friends
because if I don't, I'm going to die a much earlier death.
You know?
Then I come home and you get nagged.
I really didn't think it was going to be this negative this week.
I don't know what to fucking tell you.
Um, speaking of ladies, I had a really weird, uh, experience the other day.
Um, I was walking around the block.
Ba-do-ba-do-boop.
With my dog, right?
And I'm walking around the block.
And, uh, nice neighborhood street.
And I'm coming down the street.
And here's this lady coming the other way.
And she's dressed in workout clothes.
Face a little shiny, like she's got some sweat on her face,
like she's been out there trying to burn some calories.
And I was walking and there was a tree branch that was in my way.
So I kind of had to, like, kind of put my head in her lane a little bit
and go around it.
And as I did that, she leaned in and reached down towards my balls
and said, your left nut is hanging a little lower than your right.
And I swear to God.
And if my left, if my arms weren't swinging, like, my left arm hit her left arm,
reaching down like she was pointing.
I don't know what she was doing.
I turned around.
I looked at, like, first I thought I was wearing shorts and one of my balls was
hanging on my shorts.
I was like, how fucking old am I?
I looked down.
I had on sweatpants.
And I looked back at her like, what the fuck?
And she just kept walking.
She didn't seem crazy.
I don't know if she was just out there fucking with white people.
I have no idea what was going on with her.
But, uh, it was bizarre.
It kind of made me laugh, but I didn't like how she tried to touch me.
That fucking really annoyed me.
She fucking leaned in.
Dude, her head was, like, right next to my head.
And then I just realized how easily somebody could just fucking come in, could
just stab me
while I was walking down the street.
I'm that not prepared.
She totally got in within the fucking, uh, the Bruce Lee perimeter, right?
Dude, that was Bruce Lee, like, his reaction.
I mean, she would have been across the fucking street.
One inch punch.
She would have been, like, three quarters of an inch into a fucking, uh, tree.
I just stood right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you trying to say to me?
Um, I don't know.
The fact that nothing happened, I think it's kind of hilarious.
Slash, slash, like, uh, a little unsettling.
And then, like, two days later, I'm walking the same fucking route,
because, you know, God knows I don't learn a lesson.
And this other lady's coming.
And she just starts talking.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
I don't know what the fuck she's saying.
It's like I was like in a time machine.
And I'd just gone into the future.
And it was like right before everybody realized
that I wasn't from that time,
which would scare everybody.
And then, of course, they'd have to kill me.
You know, after they examined my brain
while I was still alive.
I don't know.
What I've been trying to tell you guys
is I've been having a rough time here
on my walks lately.
Speaking of which,
who the fuck tries to grab somebody's balls
when they're walking by?
Do you realize how fucking hilarious that is?
Hey, your left nut's hanging lower than your right.
I was just like, what the fuck?
I actually watched another 10 feet
and then immediately slammed my hand down in my pocket
to be like, did she just take my wallet?
Because that would have been brilliant.
Because she had me mentally between my fucking ears
and not even paying attention to anything on my body.
She could have fucking taken it out,
shown it to me, put it back in there
and taken everything I had.
Try that this week, ladies.
You know?
I guarantee you 99% of guys
are not going to,
they're going to have the same stupid,
well, not 99%.
A lot of people doing that UFC shit.
You know what, ladies?
Don't do it.
Don't do it.