Name: Bill Burr - Fucked Up Cheating Story
Uploaded: 2015-08-18T00:02:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fucked Up Cheating Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Fucked Up Cheating Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-08-18. Transcript available.

All right, a fucked up cheating story. Need advice, dear Bill.
All right, I could really use advice on this.
I found out accidentally that my best friend since birth's girlfriend
has been fucking our other best friend behind his back for over a year now.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me back up here.
I found out that my best friend since birth's girlfriend.
All right, so your buddy, since you were a toddler, he has a girlfriend.
She's been fucking your other best friend behind his back for over a year now.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Okay, here we go.
I was checking something on his phone and stumbled across naked pictures she
had sent him.
Shocked to see it, I dug further.
Wait a fucking minute.
The fuck are you doing with his phone?
What were you checking on his phone?
Wait a minute.
What the fuck?
This whole fucking thing is weird.
Are you the guy that's actually fucking your best friend's girlfriend and you're
speaking about yourself in the third person?
This whole thing is weird.
I was checking something on his phone.
I've never checked anything on any of my friends' phones ever.
You know, if they hand it to me, I look at whatever picture is there.
I don't start swiping around and snooping.
You were snooping.
What kind of a fucking man?
Ah, Jesus Christ.
All right.
So you're snooping on this guy's phone.
You stumbled across naked pictures.
What do you mean you stumbled across?
You clicked on the photo app.
You scrolled through his photos.
She had sent them.
And then what?
You sent them to your phone and jerked off to it later?
I'm probably being too hard on you.
All right.
Shocked to see it, I dug further and read the text between them.
Oh, Jesus.
You were just fanning yourself, weren't you?
I love how you're just not fucking doing anything wrong either.
The next thing I was, I couldn't believe it.
So now I'm looking at his tax record and his fucking social security number.
Anyways.
All right.
Shocked to see them, I dug further and read the text between them saying how
much she loves him.
And she wished they could fuck all day.
And it made me so sick to my stomach that I went into his tax records.
Sorry.
She's the nicest girl I ever met in my life.
And I look at her as a sister.
But now I see how bad she's been fucking a kid over that's like my brother with
his best friend.
And I have no idea what to do.
He trusts them both so much that he had no problem with them going alone
together to Green Bay for a football game.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus.
They probably fucked on one top of one of those cheesehead things.
You know, she bent herself over it, you know.
Goodness.
Uh, now when I hang out with them from here on out, how could I act normal when
I know what's going on?
It would destroy my buddy if I told him.
If I tell him not only would I lose the friend I have, wait, if I tell him not
only would I lose the friends I have, but this girl, if this is a girl he lives
with, would do anything, would do anything for, and is going to get engaged to
her eventually.
The four of us are like family, family, some stuck in a fucked up position.
Could use your help here.
Should I tell him or let it play out?
No.
What kind of a fucking friend are you?
They're going to get married?
Daddy, jeez.
Nah, you can't let that happen.
This is what you got to do.
You got to go out with the other two.
The two dirty ones that are fucking around.
You got to sit down and just say, listen, I was snooping on your phone.
I shouldn't have fucking done it, and I saw the pictures.
I know what's going on with the two of you, all right?
So can you guys please tell him before I have to?
And you have to tell him.
You can't just break it off.
You have to fucking tell him because you're not going to break it off.
You're going to break it off, and you're going to start fucking again, or you,
lady, are going to go fuck somebody else because you don't love this guy.
Just go tell him and break up with him and get on with your life, all right?
And just say, I'm not judging either one of you, but, you know, what the fuck
do you want from me?
And you had to know that if you were going to do something like this,
eventually something like this was going to happen.
So there you go.
Good luck with that, guys.
I'll be over here eating a cheeseburger, and you just fucking remove yourself
from it, all right?
And I would say, listen, man, you have until the end of the fucking weekend to
tell him, or I'm going to sit him down and tell him, all right?
That's it.
And I didn't create this fucking situation.
The situation is what the fuck it is because of your dick and your pussy.
Maybe not in that order.
Maybe in that order.
What are you going to do?
And I would just fucking walk away.
And, you know, and I wouldn't judge either one.
You guys sound like you're young.
I have no idea.
God knows I made plenty of fucking mistakes in my life in that area, so what
the fuck are you going to do?
Okay, they fucked up.
They fucked up, and they just got to come clean and let the shit fall where it
may.
I think, what's his face?
Jim Croce's got a bunch of songs that your buddy could listen to.
You know?
That's what you should do.
You should be singing that in the background when they confess.
Isn't that the way they say it goes?
But let's forget all that and give me the number if you can't find it.
So I can't call just to tell him I'm finding the show.
I overcome the blow.
I learned to take it well.
I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn't real.
But that's not the way it feels.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill.
You're singing the whole fucking song.
That's Jim Croce, Operator, by the way.
Another sad song.
Another sad song by Jim Croce.