Name: Bill Burr - Can Guys Have Anything?
Uploaded: 2015-09-01T00:54:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Can Guys Have Anything?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Can Guys Have Anything?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-01. Transcript available.

Plowing ahead here, I saw a really annoying ad on the side of a bus today as I
was ending my bike ride.
It was this thing on the side of a bus about wearing condoms, and it was two
guys and then a woman in the middle.
And she was both telling them to have some willpower and use a condom.
And once again, with all the bitching out there about all the sexist fucking
shit out there, I guess maybe that's sexist because, like, what, you were going
to have a threesome with these two guys?
So maybe I guess women could bitch on that level.
But as a guy, I'm sitting there looking at it, thinking about all the women
that I got with, like, how many times, right, the moment of truth, and you'd go
to reach for the condom.
Have you been with a woman who would go, oh, God, I hate condoms.
We'd just sort of whisper that, and literally you'd feel like that fucking in
your fucking stomach and your heart at the same time, like, yeah, I think I'm
putting on two.
I think I'm putting on two over there.
Unless, of course, you were drunk.
You'd be like, yeah, I hate him, too.
I have no idea where it just cut out.
I moved my fucking, God damn it.
I moved my computer.
Fortunately, I only talked for a couple of seconds there.
I was talking about that condom ad.
I don't know where the fuck I left you at here.
I was just thinking, how funny would it be if they actually, how long would
that ad last if they put a woman there in that ad and the guy's reaching for
the condom?
And the woman said, oh, God, I hate condoms.
You could never have it.
They would be flipping the fuck out.
Oh, by the way, you know, I watched, I watched a little bit of the, Christ, who
the hell was playing?
The Raiders.
What a fucking uniform, by the way.
I'm going to, I'm saying right now, that's the best uniform in sports.
Best uniform, silver and black.
Come on, man.
You can't fuck with that.
I swear to God, now that Al Davis is gone, if any douche comes along and fucks
with that emblem or those colors, you know, I felt bad for Raider fans as they
were, they were holding those signs up once again, stay in Oakland.
You know what I mean?
Why do they put those fans through that shit?
You know what I mean?
Fucking babies, man.
You started in Oakland.
They love you.
Why don't you pony up and fucking give a little bit of money towards your own
fucking stadium, you asshole, instead of holding your fan base hostage like
that.
So ridiculous, what the fuck they put those fans through, you know?
Anyways, every 20 years.
Yeah, we're going to leave.
Go fuck yourself.
So anyway, so I'm watching and they're playing the Cardinals and they were
showing the first female coach, then the first female referee.
And then, you know, I'm watching Fox and they had ladies night where they had
the women all, you know, anchors and all that type of stuff.
So now that women are, and then, you know, they're down on the fucking field,
bugging the coaches as they're running into the locker room.
I'm going to say just as a male football fan.
Now that you guys have completely infiltrated the fucking league, you're
basically at all levels.
I know you're still going to come, well, we're not an owner or whatever.
You're going to keep complaining all the way up to the top.
Can you do me a favor?
Just do me this favor.
Can you not ruin it?
Can you do that?
Can you not ruin it the way you fucking ruin?
You've ruined every guy's only thing, whether it was sexist or not.
You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck that you're in the league.
I don't give a fuck that you're coaching, that you're reffing.
I don't give a fuck if you own a fucking team.
I don't give a fuck.
Just don't ruin it.
Okay?
Fucking learn how to roll with the joke.
Learn how to just be one of the guys.
Learn how to be fucking cool.
Just fucking do that.
That's all I ask.
Don't fucking ruin it.
Okay?
Every 10 fucking seconds complaining.
You know what I mean?
About how your feelings got hurt.
All right?
Just fucking learn how to laugh at yourself and be one of the guys.
And I mean that figuratively.
I don't mean that, like, in any sexist fucking way.
Just don't fucking ruin it.
Oh, Jesus.
What are the fucking odds?
What are the odds that they're not going to ruin it?
You know what I mean?
And turn it into...
I swear to God.
My biggest fear is within 10 years, the combination of all the women that they're
now going to add
into the league, which they're not doing because they like women.
They're doing it because of the Ray Rice thing.
They got to turn it around.
That's how bad.
Roger Goodell fucked up so bad with that Ray Rice thing.
Only suspending that guy for four fucking games out of the gate when he knocked
his fiance out
and dragged her down the hall like a fucking caveman.
They fucked.
He fucked that thing up so goddamn bad.
Do you realize that within one football season, he fucking suspends Tom Brady
for four games
for absolutely nothing, and there's the first female head coach.
I mean, coach.
Oh, he fucked that thing up so bad.
This is the way he had to overcompensate so he could keep his $40 million a
year job.
So anyways, yeah.
Just don't be, like, just please, for the love of God.
You know that broad that makes everything about herself?
Don't be that fucking person, all right?
Just please don't fucking do that.
My biggest fear is that within 10 fucking years, with all this, you know, talk
about concussions
and all that, and all the women that they're going to now, you know, the floodgates
are open,
they're going to add into the league.
Like, my biggest fear is that, like, within 10 years, they're going to be
playing two-hand touch
or flag football, and it's just going to be over.
It's just going to be over.
You know what I mean?
I just, I don't know.
Just don't ruin it.
Can you not do that?
I mean, like, even, like, out here, like, in some fucking, like, I remember a
long time
ago, like, in the writer's room of this one show, right?
They were on, like, the fucking eighth season, and they're sitting around
trying to come
up with storylines for characters that they've written for, for well over 100
episodes.
At that point, you're out of ideas.
That's usually when you have a character get married, they have a baby, the
cousin comes
to town, like Oliver.
They had, I mean, the Brady Bunch, they did so many episodes.
They had, like, nine characters on that show.
Three boys, three girls, mom and dad, and Alice.
And then Alice had to get a boyfriend, and it just kept going and going and
going.
They became a music group.
They went to Hawaii.
They went to the Grand Canyon.
And when they were finally out of fucking ideas, this fucking kid, Oliver, the
seventh kid,
the tenth character, shows up.
Who the fuck was he?
They did one whole episode that was about an entirely different family.
That adopted a white kid, a black kid, and an Asian kid.
Like, they were just out of fucking ideas.
So anyways, this show that I'm not going to name, they're in the writer's room.
They're eight, nine seasons in, and they're, like, they're at that point where
they got to
go to Hawaii, or they got to go to the Grand Canyon, or add Oliver.
So they're sitting around trying to come up with new storylines.
So one of the writers, as a joke, suggests that one of the characters rapes the
other character,
and blah, blah, blah, which is totally over the top and fucking absurd.
And there was a woman in the writer's room, and she fucking sued.
You know what I mean?
Like, he's making light of...
Is he?
Is he really?
Jeez, are you really going to sit there and take that literally in a comedy
writing room?
That's what I mean.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's my big fear, is that's going to happen.
It's like, no, any sort of ball breaking will have to be done with it.
Like, I'm just picturing guys in the locker room having to look over their
shoulder before
they make some stupid fucking joke.
You know?
Just imagine Ken Stabler whispering a joke in a locker room.
Can you even picture that?
That's what I'm worried about.
It's going to ruin it.
It's going to definitely have an impact.
In a good way, but also a negative way.
I just don't understand, like...
And I'm truly asking this.
I'm not saying this as like...
Maybe you guys think I'm a fucking pig here.
I'm just asking, is there anything guys can just have that can just be guys
only that won't
be considered like some sort of Illuminati, sexist fucking thing that's holding
women down?
Is there a place where guys can just hang out and not have to look over their
shoulder
and worry about offending somebody?
You know what I mean?
Where is our brunch?
That's what's going to end up happening.
Guys are going to have to start going to brunch.
You know?
And then what's going to happen is if they have a guys-only brunch, it's going
to annoy women
on some level.
And eventually, they're going to have to go there.
Just because we say that they can't, it's fucking unreal.
They have all women gyms.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't try to show up there in my Speedos going, oh, I should be able to use
an elliptical
in here too.
You know?
I mean, I don't know.
And I'm also saying this too as a worker bee.
I don't run any company, by the way.
Before you get all, fuck out.
Jesus Christ.
What are you going to do?
Anyway, so let's plow ahead.
Ladies, just don't fucking ruin it.
Okay?
Please don't do that.
Like, you ruin titty bars.
I used to do a bit about that.
You know, women just started going to titty bars, and then they would look over
at you
and be like, this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
And I was like, yeah, because you're here.
Leave, and it'll get fucking crazy again.
Everybody's on their best behavior because mom's here.