Name: Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Sports Cars
Uploaded: 2015-09-25T15:33:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Sports Cars' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Sports Cars' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-09-25. Transcript available.

oh here's another argument we got into let's talk about let's talk about sports
cars
now bill's argument here's your argument i called you up the other day and we
were talking and i
go dude a fucking you know you said dude a ferrari or a lamborghini is just
fucking douchey that's
a jerk-off car and i go it's not i go it's fucking gangster and you go no
because it looks good in
the showroom no absolute 100 from top to bottom that is a fucking jerk-off car
and i'll tell you
why i've never seen anybody dude this is my thing if you take it from the showroom
you drive it home
right and then for the most part you just put it on a trailer and you drive it
down to the track
and you're going around like fucking like steve mcqueen you're cool as shit but
if you fucking
drive that thing down the street to the grocery store to get some bananas and
pull in right next
to a fucking prius you're a jerk yeah but that's the prius's guy's fault no one
is punishing this
fucking guy because he's crushing it no no i'm not i'm saying what kind of a
fucking pull you're
going to drive this two hundred thousand dollar car down the fucking street
with potholes and all
that shit you know how much that suspension just alone when that front little
fucking fin hits the
ground i get it but dude i'm doing the fact that someone like me in a prius can
rear end you and
then make that face that oh sorry face dude you just had 180 grand i'm telling
you paul it's a
fucking jerk i'm telling you right now dude if i have 50 million dollars i'm
fucking pulling up in a
lamborghini diablo to fucking carvel i don't give a fuck who's sitting exactly
jerk off car no it's
not i'm not a jerk off i'm a fuck you'd be a jerk off i'd be enjoying the
fruits of my labor dude
that's not think too paul you would crash that car because you wouldn't learn
how to fucking drive
it one hour one hour i figured out one hour one hour you have it wrapped around
a fucking tree
no you'd hit a curb dude there's all these videos on youtube dude i'm not
saying that i could handle
that fucking dude if i ever got that car i would take it to a track and i would
hire a guy going dude
teach me how to drive this thing dude you can't go from a camry to something
that goes 200 miles an
hour all right i think that you're not gonna spin out and all right so let me
ask you this what car is
enough for the street where where is your line get drawn where as far as
elegant a lot of money what
do you think is not i would say to be on the street the porsche level around
the anything beyond like
the run the hundred thousand dollars dude i even think some of those fucking
those those those 200
you got like a 200 000 car you're driving down the street you're fucking jerk
off
i you know i don't know dude i just feel like you earned it man i'm not saying
you didn't earn it
i'm not saying is a guy with a yacht a jerk off if every other boat's a fishing
boat and he's got
this fucking thing that he's no no but he takes it out in the ocean he fucking
pulls into the south
of france he's got fucking super mall he's not just pulling into carvel that's
what i'm talking
about and i'll tell you right now if you get it you have to get the hardtop
because you get the
convertible the convertible's a chick car 100 agree you can't have any fucking
supercar like that
convertible yeah it's a chick car it's a chick car unless you got one of the
older ones
the older ones that with the convertible that are fucking cool but i like t-tops
but i would
t-tops man t-tops you got all of skin i mean it's just you know that's like me
like i see a beer
fountain my pasty freckles i i don't even want to do it i got to go up to it
yeah italians and greeks
you get t-tops it's fucking over oh yeah i love white cars the older i get the
more italian i love
what's funny you don't like white no i did a bit saying people who drive white
cars are scumbags
no like cars like bmw mercedes oh i'm telling you yeah they're all dirt you
know me dude i'm a black
car guy a black is the color i think black's the color i give a fuck people
like ah it gets dirty
fuck that a man gets a black car we can get fucking blue green i mean i get it
but for me it's got to
be black if i got a ferrari tomorrow it's black you're gonna get black you're
not gonna get the
classic red no that's chick or that weird that's fucking christy brinkley and
fucking
fuck that here's the thing i i i haven't said all this i love ferraris
obviously i think they're an
absolute fucking work of art but i think the only two places they look good are
in the showroom or on
the track well what about corvette driving down the street what about a hold on
a second what a corvette
looks like not a street car either and it's a fucking rocket i would but i put
that in the realm of
like getting yourself like a porsche 911 or whatever one of those all right all
right yeah
that's about as far as far as you can go as far as you could go as a vet then
you'd say dude you
ever buy like a really nice suit and you brush up again you get in a cab hey
you're all fucking
there you can't even enjoy it people texting while driving and you're riding
down the street and like
300 grand you're driving basically their house down the fucking street yeah
somebody's gonna hit you
yeah no you know i like your point about the potholes especially like in new york
city and stuff
like dude you it fucking especially the only reason to drive a ferrari down a
fucking regular street
is so people can be like wow look at all the money that guy has that's the only
fucking reason do you
think that though or do you think some guys just fuck dude the cockpit of those
fucking things i know
take it down to the fucking track you can go 180 miles an hour do and you have
a smile on your face
did that sunday you'd be smiling on thursday dude up where i live three more
days three more days i'm
gonna get to do it again yeah dude you don't buy a 200 200 fucking mile an hour
car to get on a highway
where the speed limit's 55 it's just fucking stupid and then on top of that
they snow plowed and all the
shit that they didn't fuck the thing up some giant 18 wheelers rubber off their
fucking tires laying in
the road i gotta tell you there's a guy by me he's got a white for a white or
black ferrari he drives it
on a nice sunday afternoon around the neighborhood it's fucking crazy yeah it
must be amazing he gets it up to
40 miles an hour no i know i know i i hear i hear your point but i would never
punish myself because
everybody else can't afford it no you you're missing the point i'm not begrudging
that somebody has it
for the 50th fucking time i'm just saying put it on a trailer take it down to
the track and really drive
the fucking thing yeah i know but i'm not fucking waiting i just want to draw i
want to fucking go out
you want to go get an ice cream i want to feel it yeah yeah tell my wife come
on sweetheart let's go
fucking let's you know that's stupid at that point you might as well get a corvette
save yourself a
couple hundred grand because you're only you're gonna be able to drive just as
fast i'd be like
sweet you ever see though you ever see those videos when they show the lamborghinis
and the
ferraris driving through the country fucking roads yeah and they're fucking
doing like a buck 80 and
all that type of shit dude that's for the commercial shoot i guarantee you they
got people out there
with leaf blowers and they smooth that whole it was like back in the day when
you were when roller uh
roller skate when skateboarding first came out yeah and some assholes ah go
sweep the driver i don't
see because one little fucking pebble you're done you're flying yeah dude you
can't go 180 miles an
hour down the street with like tree branches and shit in the fucking road you're
gonna go you're gonna die
we gotta find out how many people buy them a year i want to know that look at
look at i'm not gonna
name the fucking names but there was that guy in the mma he fucking died in one
and there was the
guy from all those uh fast and furious and those supercars dude that was a
professional driver driving
that fucking car you bet he hit a stick yeah but here's the thing dude you can't
be going 130 miles
an hour i don't give a fuck dude like i mean rest their souls and everything
that's fucking
irresponsible at the track yeah but even going that fast at a track if you're
not fucking qualified to do it
like could you imagine if somebody gave me a thing and told me to go to the
track paul it's like
talking to a wall here i said i would buy the fucking thing i'd go down to the
track and i have
somebody teach me how to drive it that's what i would do i i don't know dude i
would just you'd go
out and you'd go see the next fucking uh i'd go out invincible i would go i
would
try to valley it down at the fucking showcase cinema
if i had a sticky gummy bear hands trying to open the fucking door lock
this work of art i have total respect for you i think they're absolutely
gorgeous works of fucking
art yeah and dude it would be like and to drive it down the street would be
like buying the mona lisa
and hanging it up in a cabana that is in air conditioned it's like sun getting
on it and shit it's just
fucking ridiculous uh yeah no my kids would fucking ruin it too could you
imagine you know you drive
down the street they're just paving the road and for the couple of days they
have the manhole covers
up a little bit higher oh you know all of a sudden you turn down that street
yeah yeah you know i get
it i get it i'm just saying you're making a point i just don't think a guy i
just don't think i think
i don't think the guy's a douche or a jerk off i i will tell you this that's
why i love the corvette
because the corvette is the perfect it's a it's a fucking supercar but it's
still enough of a street
car you know it's you still look stupid if you go those pottles will fuck you
up too at a vet
absolutely yeah absolutely but dude i mean you can get into a corvette for like
60 grand 58 grand 60
grand you're in there you can get a fucking insane one for like 90 or 100. yeah
dude yeah that's about it
you can go out there three in a thousand dollar car i i would have the sound of
that fucking caving in
the quarter panel yeah but what just the sound about oh that would be sick oh
yeah but and then
the frust you wouldn't feel frustration you could never get out of second gear
i'd be a fucking dope
and i'd get a ticket the first time of the fucking highway i'm calling right
now you'd fucking peel
around a corner and you would go right up on the curb fucking oil pan busted
pull it up to a comedy
club and then on the way home at night i'd end up going a buck 20 getting a
ticket my wife would
kill me i'd get like set 12 points on my life i was ever doing a 120 in a lamborghini
or a ferrari
and the cop came up like oh what's the what's the rush what do you mean i have
a ferrari what's
what do you mean dope look what i'm driving i'm doing what the fuck you like
you don't do that in
your car every time you turn on the lights you have a call that'd be a funny
sketch what are you doing
look what do you think i'm doing it's a supercar yeah you caught me you know
those chicks and
cannonball run you'd have to hope it's a gay cop unbutton a couple of your
button downs