Name: Bill Burr - Loud Fat Smug Jackass In A Cigar Bar
Uploaded: 2015-10-06T13:37:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Loud Fat Smug Jackass In A Cigar Bar' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Loud Fat Smug Jackass In A Cigar Bar' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-06. Transcript available.

So the food sucks at the W, and it's fucking like a zillion dollars.
So I'm like, all right, I'm going to walk down the street, okay?
And I'm going to fucking maybe find something.
So I'm walking down the street.
It's Saturday afternoon, and Alabama is going to play the Georgia Bulldogs
between the hedges, right?
Georgia is favored because Alabama lost to Ole Miss the fucking week before,
and Georgia is actually given two points.
And in the back of my head, I was like, if there was ever a fucking gift,
it would be Alabama getting points.
But fortunately, I don't have access to a fucking sports book, which is good
because that saves me a bunch of money because any time you're sitting there
thinking like, oh, my God, this is a fucking gift, you end up losing.
So I walk down the street like two blocks, not even a block and a half,
and I see this problem, like, all right, I'm going to go in there.
It turns out it's this fucking insane cigar bar slash sports bar.
I pop in there, right?
There's this fucking guy sitting there, this southern dude with the Georgia
Bulldog logo on,
and then there's, like, this old Jewish dude sitting there.
Old Jewish dudes are the fucking best, man.
They're the fucking best.
Give you ridiculous, ridiculous fucking life advice at the most easygoing pace
ever.
Are you married?
Are you in love?
Well, that's good, right?
They just walk you all the way through fucking life.
They're the best, right?
So anyways, so I'm sitting with that dude, and then there's the other guy, you
know,
and they've both got cigars going, and I'm thinking like, well, I'll fucking
smoke one later tonight.
I'm not going to smoke during the day, but I'm going to watch the fucking game.
So they put the game on, the crowd's going nuts, right?
Fucking Georgia Bulldogs are jumping up and down.
Alabama comes out.
They get right in their fucking face.
I'm getting amped up like I'm going to play the game, right?
And it's a cigar bar, so it's a chill fucking vibe.
You can hear the game.
Everything's great.
All of a sudden, right?
It literally is the fucking game's going to start.
This tabletop of five or six people walk in with this fucking smug jackass who
just has
a fucking opinion on everything that he thinks is so goddamn fascinating, which
is kind of
funny to hear me say, but at least I know I'm a moron.
God knows I got an opinion on everything, but I know I'm a fucking moron.
And I also know that when you go into a fucking cigar bar, it's an old man vibe,
okay?
Inside old man voices, right?
This fucking fat cunt.
I swear to God, remember that show, Jake and the Fat Man?
He looked like the fat man.
He sits down and proceeds to start speaking as loud as you could possibly
fucking talk without
yelling.
And he keeps talking about these.
He tells this fucking story like three times about these cigarettes he got in
London that
for some reason are not legal in the United States.
And he kept going like, it's London, but you cannot get them here.
I've tried to order them, but they are not legal.
And he, it would always end at the same way.
They are not legal.
And then he'd go, why?
I don't know.
Told that story three times.
He only told it twice, but I want to say it felt like fucking three.
And, uh, he's, he's fucking screaming.
I finally look over at the old Jewish Jewel.
I'm like, if you, it's like, you believe this guy?
And the old Jewish guy said something like, you know, I, I feel the same way.
Like when you get on the plane and there's a baby crying next to you and I
laughed, I go,
yeah, but this guy should know better.
And then the guy goes, all right.
He goes, and he fucking, he just got up and left, you know, cause he, what he
had on him,
he had this beautiful fucking Cohiba and he knew better.
He's like, I'm not going to fucking sit here and smoke this unbelievable cigar
with this
fat fuck screaming across the goddamn room.
Right.
That'd be like, if you had like a great glass of wine and the whole time you're
drinking it,
there was some guy yelling in your fucking ear.
So he gets up and leaves.
And I sat there and watched the whole first quarter while simultaneously trying
to think
of a nice way to ask that guy politely to shut the fuck up.
Could somebody please help me with this social moment?
Because, um, I was literally muttering over in the corner.
Like I'd be like, and no matter how much I tried to be nice, like by the time I
got to
the end of the sentence, the rage would come in and I would drop the F bomb.
I'd be like, excuse me, sir.
You know, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but, uh, you're sort of yelling and
you know,
you're in a fucking cigar bar, you dumb cunt.
No, you can't do that.
Can't do that.
Back it up.
Um, sir, I'm not trying to inhibit you from having a good time, but for some
fucking reason,
you don't give a shit that you're doing that to me.
You fat fuck.
Right.
I mean, just kept going like that.
Right.
So I never ended up saying anything and I finally, uh, I don't know.
I left after the first quarter and I went back to the fucking W hotel.