Name: Bill Burr - Girlfriend Fucked A Yoga Instructor
Uploaded: 2015-10-20T16:45:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Fucked A Yoga Instructor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Fucked A Yoga Instructor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-10-20. Transcript available.

Girlfriend, uh, fucked a yoga instructor. Hey, old Billy Bald Tits. How the
fuck are you?
Uh, I'm writing you because I need some advice. I just recently found out my
girlfriend of two years has done some fucked up shit.
Up until now, I thought she was marriage material. She's not like the
Kardashian wannabes of today.
She and I have so much in common. We always laugh and I love hanging out with
her.
No red lights, no red flags, you mean, have been triggered until now.
Uh, she doesn't drink like crazy. She doesn't take off her heels and walk home.
She's not a quitter. Overall, she's awesome.
But recently, I found out from a mutual friend that before she met me, she had
a secret affair with her yoga instructor.
And that's not even the fucked up part.
The yoga instructor is also her best friend's dad.
What? Okay, her best friend's dad and she never told her best friend.
Oh my God.
So, that yoga instructor fucked his daughter's best friend?
Dude, that is such yoga instructor behavior.
Dude, I'm telling you right now, in another fucking life, I would have been a
yoga instructor.
Dude, those guys fucking crush it like nobody.
Dude, hot chicks, they all fucking do yoga, right?
Because they want to stay in shape, but they don't want to get all fucking bulked
up.
They want to keep that sinewy type muscle, right?
They want to be all toned, but still look good in a fucking dress, right?
So, it's like the Pied Piper.
They just come to you and you get them all stretched out before you fuck them.
And then you can have your whole new agey, blah, blah, blah.
Dude, I'll tell you right now, take a yoga fucking class one time in your life.
And you know who the yoga instructor wants to bang.
It's the one they always go over and they adjust them and they put their hands
on them, you know?
You know what I mean?
And the woman gets to feel their fucking touch and they're all fucking open
because they're fucking in this head space.
Like the whole, the fucking vibe is, it's a layup.
You know what's funny?
I used to take this fucking yoga class and this guy was like crushing it.
And for some reason, I was always doing the positions correctly.
He never had to adjust me.
But the fucking chick next to me who was already totally stretchy
and could put her foot up her own goddamn clam,
for some reason he always had to fucking adjust her with their spaghetti straps.
Huh?
Fucking hilarious.
Ah, you gotta love a piece of shit, yoga instructor.
I fucking, oh, they're such dirtbags.
And the whole time they're talking about all this new agey stuff, you know?
Just be, man.
You can't fight it, you know?
Just fucking give in to my dick.
Anyways, he said they fucked for a few months
before she met me
and came clean to telling me
that it was true,
but she regrets it.
What the fuck do I do?
I'm young, I'm only 22,
but I feel like I have really found someone in her.
But I feel like I can't trust someone who would be that deceitful.
Should I move on or assume
something like this won't happen in the future?
Thanks a million and as always, go fuck yourself.
Well, those are two really great questions.
You know,
in defense of her,
she's really young
and I'm assuming that fucking guy is at least in his 40s
and what he did was barely legal.
You know?
Dude, that guy fucking spit 20 years of game at her
in a yoga class.
I mean, it's a fucking layup.
Um, but also
she did fuck a guy.
She did fuck her friend's dad.
So
if she's the way that you say
where she's this really wholesome, innocent type person,
those people are also, you know,
the kinds of people that end up in the trunk of serial killers' cars.
I hate to say it
because they are so fucking innocent
and that type of shit.
So,
you know,
this guy's basically Jason
except instead of an axe,
he's using his dick.
I mean, that's just fucking,
I mean, that's fucking,
oh my God.
I can't imagine doing that.
I can't fucking,
can you imagine
right after you bust a nut
and you're,
you're thinking clearly again
what the fuck you just did.
And you know,
women are so fucking emotional, right?
Jesus Christ.
Like,
and they just have to talk.
You never rob a bank with a woman.
I mean,
you're caught before it's even started.
And then you do something like that
and then I'm like,
God,
I feel so bad.
I feel so bad.
And she goes out
and has a couple of fucking lady drinks
and the whole fucking town knows.
Oh my God.
And then your daughter
is going to hate you for life.
Your marriage is fucking over.
I mean,
Jesus fucking Christ.
Jeez,
that guy,
he might as well
stuck his dick in a beehive.
Son of a bitch
got away with it
because he's a fucking yoga instructor, man.
Yeah,
I don't know.
I would just really come clean to her
and I would just sit down
and say,
listen,
just tell her
all these great things
that you feel about her.
but the
the fact that she did it,
did that,
you just need to talk about it more.
Like,
just ask,
walk her way through it.
Like,
why do you think you did that?
Just don't accuse her.
Don't be like,
don't be having an accusatory tone.
Don't be judging her
even though you are.
I think the jury's still out on that
because she's so fucking young
and that piece of shit
is so fucking old.
He really took advantage of her.
I don't give,
I know it's fucking legal,
but to me,
in my head,
like,
you're a fucking pervert
if you do something like that.
I'm judging the guy.
I mean,
she was 21,
22 when he did it,
but that's not fucking right.
That's not fucking right.
You know?
Jesus fucking Christ.
I've seen pornos
with a more wholesome storyline
than that,
you know?
No,
I would just ask her about it.
Why do you do that?
Why did you do that?
Why do you think that you did it?
I would help her
get through it in a therapy way
and just buy her answers
if,
you know,
if that's like what she's into,
then I would have some concerns
that she would act out again.
I don't know.
I would,
but I,
but if you love her,
you really got to sit down
in a non-judgmental way.
And by the way,
dude,
you're telling me
you haven't stuck your dick
in some place
that would give her
a little,
some fucking red flags?
You never did anything filthy?
You know?
I mean,
I'm assuming you did.
Why don't you be fair
and kind of,
it's this weird thing
where like you should be,
before you marry somebody,
you have to,
you got to judge them.
You don't just walk
into it blindly.
You're agreeing to spend
your life with somebody.
You got to judge them harshly.
But,
she already feels bad about it.
You know,
you don't want to hurt her,
but there's,
there's a way more of like
a therapy kind of way
you could just ask her like,
why,
why do you think
that you did that?
And if she goes,
well,
why are you still asking me about it?
Which she might,
she might get defensive.
I would just say,
I don't know,
because it's,
it concerns me.
That's a bad answer.
What do you mean
it concerns you?
Don't judge me.
Oh,
Jesus,
dude,
this would be like
dismantling a bomb.
I just,
I mean,
it's a hell of a story.
Like,
how did you keep that a secret?
How did you feel about that?
She probably needed
to get it off her fucking chest.
I think the fact
that she had to admit it to you
shows that she's not
a complete sociopath.
You know,
I don't know.
Let me know
how that one goes.
I gave you
the best advice I could.