Name: Bill Burr - Serial Killer And Captain America
Uploaded: 2015-11-03T14:28:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Serial Killer And Captain America' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Serial Killer And Captain America' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-03. Transcript available.

first he came up to my room and we were just sitting there watching tv
and he was just laughing at how just beat up i was you know and of course he
felt great because
he was a angel that night and i um we ended up watching something on tv one of
the sickest
stories ever and we're like dude this has to be a movie and uh of course in the
end they
they said that they were gonna turn into a movie was basically about this guy
right
it was this show about serial killers so of course we're gonna watch it
all right and i'm sitting there eating a burger you know just trying to you
know grease always
offsets the alcohol it's awful i'm out of shape again guys that's what i'm
trying to say
um so we're watching this thing about serial killers and the whole time they're
talking about this this
drug dealer kid and we're like how the does this and they keep showing this
serial killer guy it's like
does and they're showing the drug dealer older you know and not in jail and all
that going what the
happened you know just the way they put it together it was riveting you're like
what the
is going on here so basically what happened was there was this kid right he
played football they called
him the assassin because every game he ever played he took somebody out right
was it the assassin was
that jack tatum jack tatum now i forget what it was something like assassin so
he uh and just movie star good looks all right and he's the star of the
football team and the
lady's sitting there interviewing him going as he's walking around his high
school going like so you were uh
you were basically a legend here and he goes yeah i was he wasn't being
arrogant he said yeah he goes
they retired my jersey they had like pictures of me up on the wall and all that
blah blah blah
all the women loved him i mean this guy was just like it was he he looked like
a movie star in his
life was a movie so his big achilles heel was he he didn't have money and he
wanted to keep up with the
rich kids so he started dealing drugs and he ended up being really good at it
and by the time he was
like 20 years old this guy was making like a million dollars a year crushing it
right he's got a fake
you know wall in his walk-in closet where he's got another room where he's
keeping all the money in a safe
he's throwing all these crazy parties and almost seemed like this american
greed type story as opposed to
this serial killer thing they keep going back to this serial
killer fucking piece of shit who's killing these girls these teenage girls
so long story short he's laying in bed one night and he's just thinking i got
to get out of this life
i'm so sick of looking over my shoulder i can't do this anymore how am i going
to get out of this
out of this but he's addicted to the money he's addicted to the life and all of
that type of stuff
and he is just rattling on the door and i'm thinking oh it's the serial killer
and he obviously fought the guy in one what the happens right all of a sudden
the door
blasts open and all these was it is it the atf that shows up when you get
busted as a drug dealer
now was that alcohol tobacco farmer i don't know what the it is so anyways they
come
fda food drug administration the uh transit chicago transit authority i don't
know what the
fuck it is whatever the fuck that thing is they come fucking blasting through
the door
run up you know a bunch of guys with the fucking minor helmets on with the
fucking uzis from a steven
seagal movie don't get on the ground if you fucking look at me i'll blow your
fucking head off
and the whole thing was over and he disgraced his family name and they never
said it but i imagine they
probably took his fucking pictures down off of the high school and all of that
type of
shit you know did some oj shit right take all his trophies and all that fucking
shit so it's over
right so then he's sitting in jail um and they tried to get him to flip and
this is just some
fucking kid from the suburbs right so i'm thinking well he's out he must have
ratted somebody out
so he doesn't rat anybody out he's like i'm not telling on anybody so then they're
like all right
well you so now you're not gonna help us out we're gonna give you you know the
full extent of the law
we're gonna uh prosecute you so they gave him 10 years the guy gets 10 years he's
in like a minimum
security because you know he didn't really uh have any violent past or anything
he was just getting
people addicted to drugs that's all he was doing so his dad is devastated
and all that shit and he goes to jail and uh meanwhile this serial killer guy
is out there
killing these girls so i'm thinking what the fuck and they keep going to
commercial me and verzi looking
at each other going how the are they going to tie this thing together so long
story short um
they ended up catching the serial killer guy uh i forget how we fucked up but
they ended up catching
him and one of those things where you seem like relieved and all of that type
of and uh but he had
this thing where he wouldn't admit to all of them and if he came at him he
would just clam up it wouldn't
say so he ends up going to jail for like either one or two murders for life he's
never getting out
so meanwhile there's all these parents whose daughters were killed by this guy
and they don't
know where they are and all they just want is the body they want closure and
these parents are just
tortured by this thing all right so they're trying to figure out because he won't
talk to them he
won't tell them anything and he's also in denial and he keeps going like
actually i didn't kill him
and blah blah blah blah blah and then one day be like oh i did and i blacked
out i don't remember like
the guy was just a creepy goddamn mess right so they end up coming up with this
idea that they need
a charismatic person to talk to this to befriend this serial killer gain the
guy's trust and maybe
he'll tell him where like the bodies are and that type of so they go to this
dude captain america
you know the football player the movie star looking guy who his whole life up
because he got involved in
drugs right and they approach him to go from his minimum security to go into a
maximum security prison
with his murderers rapists animals maniacs right and um you know to go in there
and they said if you
if you get this information out we'll take your sentence and we'll just wipe
out the rest of it
we'll set you free he'd already done like three four years so meanwhile captain
america's dad had a
series of strokes you know and was basically gonna die and he had to go see him
i mean it's like a
fucking movie so he goes all right it i'll i'll do it but i wanted in writing
that you're definitely
gonna let me go so they say yeah so they go all right he goes here they go here's
the deal
we don't want you to approach him for at least six months
because he's very cagey and if you you know come at the guy the wrong way he
just walls himself off
and that's it all right so this kid comes well he goes and he goes fine cool he
walks in there he's
like i don't have six months my dad's gonna die within the first two months two
i'm sorry first two
hours he goes into the jail and he on purpose accidentally bumps into the guy
and then he immediately apologizes he goes oh i'm sorry about that buddy i didn't
see you standing
there hey he goes i'm new here do you know where the library is and the guy
tells him where the
library is and he goes thanks man uh you know and he said something to the
effect of uh yeah you're
a good guy it gives him a little slap on the shoulder that's it and goes to the
library
and they set it up where his cell was right across the hall from the other guy
and he says to him he
goes hey man he runs into him again hey where you staying blah blah he goes oh
that's crazy man you
want him right across he said it's good to be with a good guy like you blah
blah right across from each
other and he goes uh so then the serial killer guy one day he goes hey you want
to get lunch with me
and my friends and at this point me and verzi we're laughing our balls off
going like this kind of
social shit happens in prison okay uh some friends of mine uh gonna have some
other uh murderers and
serial killers we're gonna get some uh maybe get some uh you know a frap and uh
a wrap or something
you want to come down just kind of hang out i'll meet you down the commissary
right you always think
it's all just getting shanked and trying not to get raped right so he goes yeah
cool so long story
he gains this guy's confidence and one time he actually goes in and he sees the
guy he's got a map with
all these red dots on it and all that he's trying to get to it blah blah blah
so the guy starts opening
up and he finally ends up telling him this stories um of all the women that he
killed and all of that
and uh and sort of kind of mentioned he gave him like sort of enough
information about where the bodies
were and the captain america guy kind of up because once he got the information
he thought he had enough
information to find all the bodies and get himself out of prison and he just
couldn't oh wait i forgot
the best part i'm sorry it's gonna be like a tarantino movie now we're gonna
jump backwards
another way he gained the guy's confidence was one day they were sitting in the
tv room watching tv
he's sitting next to this guy and this big giant dude just gets up and turns
the channel
without talking to anybody and as he turns the channel the serial killer who
was like a meek little
guy and he just kind of went he just sort of said out loud to nobody he was
like hey i was watching that
like powerlessly really weird psycho thing and the captain america dude walked
up to the big dude and
knocked him out just beat the guy's ass hit him with an uppercut forearm shiver
and just sent this
guy flying through some chairs and then they stuck him in the hole that's what
happened and then when
he comes out tell me this doesn't sound like a i almost don't even believe it
so that's when he
gained the guy's conference that's when the dude told him and the second he
tells him this dude
captain america couldn't hold it in anymore and he goes dude you know what you're
a sick
fucking piece of shit blah blah blah and flipped out on him and then the guy
the serial kill just backed
up and he goes he goes who sent you he goes so-and-so sent you right and he
named the prosecutor and
then he just fucking disappeared and the map disappeared too so then it's like
they didn't get the map
so there was a thing we don't know where the bodies still are blah blah blah
blah blah but you got him
to admit to these murders so we know that the women are at least dead but
basically in the end he did
enough where he got out um and the whole time we were watching this thing we
were just going like
this is a this is a movie now i guarantee you when they do the movie they don't
even need to add any
mustard to it but i guarantee you in the movie he won't flip out in the end you
know or if he flips
out but then he somehow and then that'll be the last little like hiccup like oh
no they didn't
find the map in the movie he'll find the map and then the parents will actually
get closure but in
real life you know it's not a movie that sucks but isn't that unbelievable that
that's like a
it's so nuts like at one point they were visiting his old house and he showed
he goes yeah i used to live here i used to live here i had all these cars i
threw like a 20 kegger
here one night and he goes up into the room and he shows the secret place where
his safe is
um and you know one of those fort knox fucking things it's just i don't know
man it was
fucking uh an incredible story whatever whatever i know half of them glorifying
a goddamn drug dealer
right isn't that what i'm doing um and in the end i know you guys wanted a
happy ending there wasn't
a happy ending because he fucking he kind of screwed it up in the end but they
still let him go though
which is sort of odd right