Name: Bill Burr - Psycho In Traffic Story
Uploaded: 2015-11-20T14:42:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Psycho In Traffic Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Psycho In Traffic Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-20. Transcript available.

I just went over and I did a, I had a voiceover for a, for a TV show, which is
cool, man, you know, did that in the morning.
And then I was going to go over and do something productive.
And I ended up being in a part of the city where somebody showed me where there
was a good burger and I got the burger.
And then down the street, there was this place where you get an ice cream
sandwich that has a fucking, that instead of having the sandwich part, it's
actually a donut.
I know what you're thinking, Bill.
Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
And it's like, I'm on the rails and I'm off the rails.
I ate perfectly the last three days.
I was over in that part of the city.
My wife was there.
She always knows every good place to eat.
I folded.
I just wanted her to know that I knew where some places were too, you know, and
we'd already gotten into a full, we had a brutal fight today.
She actually fucking screamed at me and I didn't say anything cause she was
right.
What happened was, was I was in bumper to bumper traffic out here.
Right?
So we got a green light, but I can't get across the intersection without
blocking it.
So I'm waiting for the people to pull up as the light's green.
So I hear this guy behind me beep.
Then all of a sudden he tries to pass me on the right.
Like he's just going to go around me.
Like I'm some sort of bitch.
Right?
So I step on the gas of my Prius and we fucking drive up and he's trying to cut
in.
And I fucking cut this guy off.
He came within a coat of paint of hitting us.
All right.
But I fucking boxed him out between me and the parked car and he had to give in.
So now we're just parallel.
Nia screamed like a, like a person who was not driving the car and was sitting
in the passenger seat.
Right?
Fucking screamed.
And initially she starts yelling at the guy and I'm yelling at the guy.
He puts the window down.
I'm like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
He's like, what the fuck?
You're stopping in a fucking green light.
I'm like, there's no fucking room.
He's like, blah, blah, blah.
Nia's screaming at him.
And then I go, dude, you're a fucking psycho.
Pointing at my own head.
You're a fucking psycho.
He goes, you're a fucking psycho too.
Now looking back, I should have been like, all right.
It's a decent point, but you know, I wasn't, I wasn't in psycho move until you
did that Mad Max shit, you fucking cunt.
And then this is what kills me.
Nia rolls the window up and then the fucking guy goes around me on the left
this time and makes a left and leaves.
So that's the end for him.
Now Nia is just sitting there like shaking with her arms crossed.
And I'm like, ah, fuck, here we go.
And I just, so I'm trying to be funny about it.
I'm like, hey, Nia, great job.
You really gave that guy hell.
And, and then she's just fucking staring ahead.
And I'm like, I'm like, are you mad at me?
And she just screamed like, he almost hit this side of the car.
The side that I was on.
Like freaking out.
And I was just like, yeah, Jesus.
And then I wanted to apologize.
And I started thinking about Johnny roast beef and good fellas.
You know, when he buys the pink Cadillac, you know, his fucking Jimmy's going,
what's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?
And he just keeps going, I'm sorry.
It's, it's in my grandmother's name.
Like I, I, I just kept picturing his dumb face.
Unfortunately, she didn't look at me because I had a smirk on my face because
that's what I felt like.
She was 100% right.
So, uh, like a good 10 miles of silence in stop and go traffic.
So that's the equivalent of like 40 miles of, I didn't live in such an overcrowded
city.
And she's just like, you know, she, her face, she has like three different
levels of mad.
And she was at like the top level of mad.
I kept looking over, you know, her bottom lip was still stuck out.
Like a, you know, she's like a little dog that was mad, you know, your little
brother right before he cries.
You're like, is he going to cry or is he going to punch me in the head?
You know, when you do that, when you push your little brother too far, you're
like, he's either going to start swinging or start crying.
I don't know.
Might want to lean back a little bit, get the arms up.
Right.
She had that look on her face.
And the next time I looked over, it was just an angry face.
And then I looked over again, then her arms were just crossed.
So I know at that point that you can actually talk to her.
So I, uh, I tried to cute my way out of it.
I said, listen, you were a hundred percent, right?
She goes, that's right.
I was, I go, all right, let me rephrase that.
You were 110% right.
And she gave me shit back again.
I said, all right, look, you were 120% right.
And that's my final offer.
All right.
Got a little bit of a smile out of it, but she was fucking mad at me.
Uh, I don't know.
And then I tried to turn it around on her, try to say like, that's why I'm
successful.
Cause I don't take shit from other people.
Like, like that's a situation that you need to take shit and just let the
fucking maniac go.
Who gives a shit bill?
Why do you give a fuck?
Why do you immediately go into like, like a lunatic mode?
And I was actually thinking about it when I was driving home, how my wife's
energy is so much more chill than mine.
And I'm like, am I just like, like a car engine that just idols higher and I
can't fucking, you know, I'm just burning through the tank of gas.
Or do I wake up in the morning, chill like she does.
And I just don't let life affect me knowing I let, she doesn't let life affect
her the way it affects me.
And I actually think it's, uh, I think it's a little more the second one.
I think I just need to fucking relax a little bit.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm yelling at the guy.
You're a fucking psycho.
You're what, what do I, for all I know, that guy knows all that jujitsu shit.
So, you know, he's got me down, you know, he's past my guard.
I'm laying on the street, you know, all of a sudden my Prius goes into gear and
it runs over my wrist and snaps my watch band, but doesn't break any bones.
Cause it's a Prius.
Right.
The fuck is wrong with me?
So it was like a perfect day.
I'm on vacation.
She was loving that.
I was relaxed and all of that.
And within two seconds, one cunt fucked up my whole day.
And what was really making me laugh was that guy was by himself.
So the second he went around me and made the left, it was over.
He left.
And then there I was getting yelled at by my wife for the next fucking 10 miles.
And I was kind of laughing to myself, going, ah, son of a bitch won.
I thought I won when I, he didn't get in.
I thought I won.
I didn't, I didn't.
I won the first round.
Then got the old right there, Fred.
When I went to the judges, right?
So it's fucking pathetic.
Um, anyways, what a dick.
I didn't think it was him.
Like, cause he had like this foreign car, but it had like an American car
sounding horn.
So I didn't think it was him.
So I was off my game and he almost got around me.
I don't know.
It's probably stupid, right?
Ah, fuck you.
You don't make mistakes.
We all make mistakes.
Okay.