Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Wedding
Uploaded: 2015-11-24T15:06:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Wedding' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Holiday Wedding' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-11-24. Transcript available.

All right, so anyways, holiday wedding.
Billy Bells.
My friend from college is getting married this Sunday after Christmas.
Ah, Jesus, what a stupid time to do that.
Well, it's because everybody's in your hometown?
He goes, is there a worse time for a wedding?
No.
Can you believe that it's in upstate New York?
Of course I can.
If he's going to be a cunt, he's going to go all the way with it.
I'm sure it'd be fun once I got there, but I'm thinking about skipping.
The circumstances are grounds for not going, right?
Absolutely they are.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
You know what I mean?
I always think that when people do shit like that anyways, it means one of two
things.
They're kind of hoping most people won't show up.
Or two, they don't have enough money to throw a good wedding anyway.
So all that great food, you're going to walk away from that to go up there and
fucking eat hamburger helper?
You know, standing out on the stage, eating on the fucking dance floor, eating
a steak.
Upgrade good times, come on.
Boo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
And you know one of your friends is going to cancel last second that agreed to
go.
And you're going to fucking show up there.
Woo-hoo!
There's some shit food being served right here now.
Some fucking shitty food that's going to come out your ass.
Yeah, fuck that.
Fuck that.
And he can never give you shit.
All you got to do for the rest of your life when he gives you shit or she gives
you shit or whatever about not going,
just, you just, you know, you're sitting at the bar and they're fucking, you're
fucking here.
You don't, you just keep looking straight ahead and you just put, throw your
hands out and you just go,
You got married on the Sunday after Christmas.
Who does that?
That's it.
And as they try to defend it, you just talk over.
Married?
On the Sunday after Christmas.
When?
The Sunday after Christmas.
It's almost like you didn't want me to be there.
Huh?
If you get divorced, when are you going to get married this time?
Fucking New Year's Day?
Get the fuck out of here.
What do you think, you're better than Santa Claus?
You're better than the baby Jesus?
Huh?
You think you're better than the prime rip my mother makes on Christmas Day,
you motherfucker?
Where the fuck do you go to upstate New York?
How dare you?
I'm going to be that fucking person driving in a station wagon.
Fucking Sunday after Christmas.
Get the fuck out of here.
This is like my time off.
This is my time off.
This is my time.
Okay?
I'm going to go to a goddamn wedding.
Oh, that just reeks of like my friend got ordained as a fucking preacher.
He's going to go up there in his fucking street clothes.
Oh, yeah.
I bet they're getting married in like the basement of a fucking holiday inn and
the ceremony is going to be going and the door to the function room is still
going to be open and people are going to be randomly walking by looking at it.
You know?
They got to keep the door open because there's no bathroom in the function room
so you got to walk out.
Oh, that's a shit show.
Jesus Christ, dude.
That's like a sales meeting you don't want to go to.
Well, you know what?
I've convinced myself that I wouldn't go.
I don't know what you're thinking, but I wouldn't go.
That's totally grounds for skipping.
A wedding alone is grounds for skipping.
Who the fuck wants to go to that?
Unless you're still in your 20s and then, you know, then it's a good time.
You want to go to a wedding single, right?
Go there, maybe bag somebody, right?
Have a good time.
So you don't want to go there.
You know, if you're not married, then eventually she's going to look up.
Why are we going to do this?
Ugh.
You know, you think of just fucking running, doing a running jump right off the
balcony.