Name: Bill Burr - Living With Bobby Kelly and Bootleg Stairmasters
Uploaded: 2015-12-19T04:46:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Living With Bobby Kelly and Bootleg Stairmasters' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Living With Bobby Kelly and Bootleg Stairmasters' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-19. Transcript available.

Did I ever tell you the time when I was living with Bobby Kelly, Robert Kelly,
from Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll?
All right, he plays the drummer.
We used to live together, and he was such a pack rat, he used to just bring
shit in off of the fucking street.
And I remember one time, I was kind of living back and forth between L.A. and
New York, and I came back from L.A.
It's like the late 90s, and he had taken from off the street the most bootleg
fucking Stairmaster I'd ever seen in my life.
It was, I swear to God, it was made out of like, I don't even know what, it was
like, whatever the material was, it just qualified to be metal.
And I remember it was white with these red stripes, and you got on the fucking
thing, and it had this little digital clock, and you'd start going on it, and
as you held the handles, like any sort of body weight would like, sort of bend.
The whole thing fucking moved, like the frame that it was on.
And I remember he got it, and he stuffed it over in the corner, and I just went,
like, I was like, Bobby, what the fuck is that?
He was like, dude, what are you talking about, dude, you're fucking, it's a Stairmaster,
I got it off the sidewalk, I got it for free, dude, you want to use it?
I was like, no, dude, I'll go to the gym.
Fucking gym's like 15 bucks a month, who gives a shit?
So, I remember watching him using it one time, and I was laughing my balls off,
because he weighed like, and he wasn't, you know, the size he is now, I'm not
trying to make fun of him here, he just was, he was 10 times the size of the
thing, it looked like it was built for an 8 year old, and he was over in the
corner, like, in his little ass fucking living room, as I'm trying to watch
this little kitchen TV that we had,
that was sitting on this TV VCR, oh my god, TV VCR stand, that I made in wood
class, like my junior or senior year in high school, that I gave to my dad, and
you were supposed to put the TV on top of it, and then underneath it was the VCR,
and then it had two doors that opened on the bottom, like cabinets, and in
there you put all your VHS tapes.
My dad took the fucking, I gave it to him, he took the back off the thing, and
he stuck the TV underneath it, and it was so stupid, you had to lay on the
floor to fucking watch it, it was classic my dad, like he's just, I guess I'm
like him, like I just see shit, I don't see it for what it is, and then people
look at me like, dude, what the fuck is wrong,
that same way that when I stand in front of a stage, a stove, and it says turn
on the front burner, to me, it's what everybody else considers the back burner,
because the way I look at the stove, it's like I'm standing behind a car, I don't
know why, I just look at it like, I don't know, maybe it's my low self-esteem,
like I'm standing in the back of the line, so the front of the line's going, I
have no fucking idea,
so he took the back off it, and shoved the TV under there, and I remember all
my friends who, you know, also took shop class, when they would come over my
house, like years later drinking, they'd be like, dude, what the fuck is the TV,
and I was like, dude, don't even, I don't even want to tell you,
my dad took the back off, he ripped the shelf out, he just stuck the TV down
there, and they were laughing, they thought it was the funniest fucking thing
ever,
they went, here you go, dad, you know, Merry Christmas, or whatever, and yeah,
yeah, he just fucking, he modified it, so anyway, so I, yeah, when I moved out,
I got it back, minus the back, or the shelf, and I finally, I remember it was a
proud moment, that I put this little piece of shit TV on top of it, so that
thing's sitting on top,
we got a VCR underneath it, and then a bunch of fucking tapes and shit, like
Waterboy, and all that stuff that was fucking, was coming out in the late 90s,
and we had all these Adam Sandler movies, and all this shit that was in there,
so I'm sitting down, oh my god, spring break, I had a fucking couch,
and a, and a, like a Lazy Boy, that, but it didn't recline, that was from my
dad's dental office from the early 70s,
so I had this horrific floral pattern, and it was made out of this wood that
weighed like 9 million, it took like 10 guys to pick up the fucking sofa,
and of course it was busted, um, so I'm sitting there, right, and I'm, I'm in
the fucking Lazy Boy that doesn't recline,
and Bobby's over in the corner on this fucking hunk of shit Stairmaster, I'm
trying to watch TV, and he's over in the corner going,
yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking sweating and shit, and I'm laughing my balls off, he's
going, fuck you, dude,
stop making, stop making me laugh, dude, right, he's, he's trying to go on this
thing, and, uh,
oh, is this the day, I may, I may be combining days, I just remember going into
the bathroom,
and as I was in the bathroom, you walked out, like the giant, this big living
room, you, it was a railroad apartment,
right, so you walk to the right, he's in the back left of the room, I walk to
the right,
and then immediately make a right into the bathroom, so it's like a fucking
hairpin turn,
so I go in, I take a piss, and as I come walking out, Bobby had picked up a racquetball,
and threw it as hard as he could,
to, to hit the wall, it ricocheted, it was a perfect shot, ricocheted, he
couldn't even see me,
ricocheted off the wall, came right in, and hit me right in the mouth,
and, like, split my lip a little, made my lip bleed, and I remember I had an
audition to do
Conan O'Brien that night, at the fucking, uh, at the comic strip,
and I was so fucking mad at him, and he was dying laughing, because, dude, it
was like a one in a
million shot, it was literally like Larry Bird, you know, off the fucking
camper, off the house,
blah, blah, blah, nothing but net, like, he couldn't even see me, he was on
this fucking
piece of shit stairmaster he found from a, off the sidewalk, blah, blah, blah,
and he fucking just
fired this thing, hit me right in the goddamn mouth, so I had to sit there and
put pressure on it,
and he kept saying he was sorry, but I knew he wasn't, and, uh, then I had to
get him back,
and that's what it was like living with him,
oh, fuck, man, I don't know how it came up with that, that was a long, long,
long-ass time ago,
I moved into that place in 1995, and I moved out, I want to say in 2000,
um, this fucking railroad apartment, and I had to walk through bedroom, and
this little single
mattress, bed mattress fucking thing, just sitting on a frame, and I remember
my roommate, this Nigerian
dude, who was into the Rangers, played hockey and all that shit, he, uh, he had
to walk through our,
like, my bedroom, to get either to his bedroom, or to go into, basic railroad
apartment means it's just
side by side, so I went his bedroom, and then my little half a bedroom, and
then the living room,
then there was a little hallway with the bathroom, and then the kitchen, and it
was all just lined right
up, like, uh, people standing in line for some coffee, or some shit, so he had
to walk through my
bedroom, so obviously, um, there was a tremendous lack of fucking privacy,
and I remember living there, and then when I, I started living in LA, I, like,
subletted it out
to Bobby, and then the roommate was cool to let me come back, when I was in New
York, to crash there
for, like, a week or so, and we were all young guys, we didn't give a fuck,
right, so it was fine,
and, um, I remember after a while, a couple years of being there, I remember
Bobby telling me, going,
like, dude, we were talking about getting an apartment, like, dude, we should
just get an apartment,
I can't fucking do this anymore, I can't live like this anymore, we're living
like fuck, we were living
like animals, and, uh, I remember Bobby just going, dude, I just want a door, I
just want a door to a
room that's mine, that I can close, and, uh, and I remember just sitting, like,
oh my god, that'd be
unbelievable, like, that was the big, that was the big fantasy back then, to
just have a fucking door
that you could close, um, Jesus Christ, was that 20 fucking years ago, I guess
it was, I'm an old man,