Name: Bill Burr - Giant Burger At Hawkins House Of Burgers
Uploaded: 2015-12-22T15:42:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Giant Burger At Hawkins House Of Burgers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Giant Burger At Hawkins House Of Burgers' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-22. Transcript available.

took my dog for a walk today all the way around the block and it didn't ship
once
it's just you know it usually shits like two three times so i got all paranoid
i was looking
around the house trying to find dog shit i couldn't find it anywhere then i was
thinking
like did it shed its brains out the day before so they just it's got nothing
left i don't know
you know something this might be one for a veterinarian maybe i should call
them up rather
than just talking out into the empty space of podcasting that's right podcasting
i did that uh
fighter in the kid brian callen's podcast i did that earlier today so look for
that
you probably wonder what jesus bill why are you so lethargic because you only
get six hours sleep no
because me and a buddy of mine went to a burger place that uh somebody
suggested down in watts
la as in the watts riots that's the reason why people white people know about
watts they got
a hamburger place down there called hawkins and we went down there there was
three of us white as
fuck white as a new show on bravo um and we drove down there and uh we were all
laughing just going
all right three of the whitest people ever are going to go down to watch you
know are we going to get
mugged as second we get out of the car are they going to think we're cops you
know all the scared white
guy things and then we showed up and we're staring at the menu and this guy
just goes hey is this your
first time here and we go yeah and then they go first timers and they're in the
kitchen yelled hey
welcome to hawkins that became like an after-school special it was hilarious
and then as a white person
you're like oh it really isn't that bad i get it now almost if my thoughts are
just fear-based right
and then there's always that one dude's just got to it up for everybody
right this guy showed up weird weird vibe had a u.s air force bag he just sort
of left it in the
middle of the area where we're eating and then walked away from it sat in the
corner was sort of
staring at us and he was eating peanuts he wasn't eating a burger and then he
walked outside and
walked around to the open window area where we were at and then he offered us
peanuts and we were like no
thank you we would we don't want any of your peanuts and then we sort of
finished up and we went to leave
and he was staring at us and he wrote down our license plate number
ah it's awful it's awful what going to war does to you but i think he was super
paranoid
already i'm piecing it together i i certainly wasn't gonna have a conversation
with the guy i was
judging by the the the u.s air force bag and then uh you know the paranoid
behavior
and he had something on his his wrist like he got up his wrist or something
like that i have no
idea but all i can tell you is i'm going to go back there again because it was
the best
goddamn burger i think it might be the best burger i've ever had but jesus
christ it's the size of a
football um and you know if you're a goal-oriented person you know you're going
to get about three
bites in going holy this is delicious you're going to get halfway through and
you're going to be like
do do i win a t-shirt if i finish this thing and then finally just like you
know i i gotta finish this
thing uh fries are delicious i got the uh the fat burger with egg and it was
outstanding um it's called
hawkins it's right off of south central i believe and uh it was delicious and i
was like thank god
because i was bringing you know it was a recommendation from a couple of people
i met when i i did yet
another failed pilot and uh you know i love meeting people that are actually
from los angeles because
they love los angeles and then they know all the cool places to go so um most
people who are transplants
like me stay basically in the hollywood valley area so i asked these guys i'm
like give me something
what do you got what do you guys say all right you want to you want to fucking
you know you want to try
some go go down to watts we went down there it was absolutely delicious but i'll
tell you this right
now i am paying for it uh there's no way you won't if you're smart you go down
there and you'll split one
um but if you're listening to this podcast you're probably not smart and you're
going to order one
yourself and you're going to you're going to do what i just did and uh but it's
a wonderful
experience until you get right to the end and your body keeps saying stop it
stop it what are you doing
stop it and you just can't you just keep fucking shoveling it in your face and
then you just leaning
on something you're leaning on something you're like why did i just do that oh
my god i gotta be on
the fucking elliptical for nine years and then all of a sudden a fucking air
force veterans offering
your peanuts and you want to stay and say no you want to stand up straight and
look like you're somebody
that can't be with you know and you just can't do it you just lean in there and
then
maybe it comes off as confidence and maybe that's why he leaves you alone i
have no fucking idea but um
oh my god my mouth is dry there's so much fucking salt in me right now
you know jesus christ but you know what it was worth it i was actually psyched
i went down there i
watched this great documentary which of course i can't remember the name of it
but forest where did
the uh the uh the narration on it it was all about um the history of los angeles
and the gangs and all
of that stuff and police violence and everything and um it actually broke down
all those different
areas they always hear about it you know how many people saw straight out of
compton and actually know
where where compton is you know what i mean it's ridiculous it's one of the
great groups of all
time you should know where it is and for la is just so weird like that they
pave over their history
they don't tell you where anything is it's all about the highways take the 405
to the 10 you guys
ever watch that snl sketch the californians right they'd be like devon
like that sketch was so accurate as far as like everybody's obsessed with like
uh
where did you come from and where do you live and it's always oh i took the 105
to the 110 to the 60
you know got off at Mulholland
it's all obsession about how to get uh how you got somewhere because of this
hellacious traffic so
anyways i am uh i'm full of salt right now i am not going to eat again until
breakfast tomorrow
uh oh but it was worth it it was worth it i had like one bite of that and i'm
like i'm bringing
nia here tomorrow and then i got halfway through the burger and i was like i am
bringing nia here
in about a month and then i finished it and i was just like in six months when
i'm not full when i'm not
full again i'm so full right now i can't even finish my sentences oh it was
glorious it's really a
feeling that so few people in the world know most people are starving you know
so i'm trying to feel
privileged right now even though it's it's a big part of me wants to kill
myself oh it hurts to laugh
jesus christ now it was thanksgiving between two buns it was my buddy one of my
buddies had a pastrami
sandwich he said i'm three bites in i still haven't made it to the bud he was
smart enough to stop me
and my other friend just we just kept going and he had to drive i wanted to recline
i wanted to recline
the seat so bad but i was afraid that if i reclined it was all going to come up
all right bill enough you talked about dog shitting and overeating is this
supposed to be exciting well it's
that time of year it's that time of year when you can say come on and eat a man
whole size
fucking burger it was incredible um so anyways what's why don't we uh why don't
we talk about
some shit other than dog shitting and uh me eating an oversized burger um
um oh my god i'm sorry guys i gotta keep drinking water i'm so full of salt
right now
i'm just talking to a buddy of mine he thought he had a tapeworm
i swear to god this should be you know what you know you know what sell like
hotcakes right
around this time of year tapeworms that were almost at the end of their lives
and if you could just somehow force it down you know and just during the
holiday season you eat
like a animal and it eats 90 of the nutrition and then it just keels over and
dies
like marlon brando when he's out in the garden with his son you know or his
grandson
wouldn't that be great then you could just eat and drink like a maniac and this
tapeworm just takes
it all and then it dies and then you know for the next couple of weeks when you
have to go to
the potty you just don't turn around and look this is the most disgusting
podcast i've ever done
i'm sorry i started off with dog shitting i mean where do i go you can't make a
comeback you might
as well borrow a little further into it right um is there anything worse when
you go out to take your
dog on a hour and a half hike and you realize you only have one bag left you
know and then you got
to make that decision i'm either gonna leave some i'm gonna leave some behind
like willem the foe and
platoon or i'm gonna have to get try to get creative and there's shit in the
bag and then you gotta drop
the shit out onto the new shit and then you just that's just it's a it's a
nightmare
oh god how gross can this become i just is there any women still listening this
is disgusting are you like
this guy you think this guy's funny shut up margaret shut up all right anybody
woman right now yelling
your husband or boyfriend right now you need to stand the down okay you know
what you're gonna make
them do this holiday season let the man listen to a podcast for christ's sake
look at him he's gonna die eight years before you can can you have a heart and
be nice to him on
average he's gonna die eight years before you that's the deal i sure like dick
van dyke
90 years old and he's still dancing still got the light in his eye man that guy
was sharp
as hell i think that's the key to it he's dancing is it i don't know maybe
figuratively
dancing in your heart walking down the street just still hearing the birds chirp
hey how about i reach
a little bit of advertising for you guys huh you think i read bad one on
regular day
forget about when i got a whole giant burger in me oh my god it was good holy
was it delicious
i can't wait to go back you know is it all right to just be bulimic every once
in a while that would
have been a great time to do it oh my god that was delicious oh right fucking
puke for a minute
straight oh god i'm almost out of water
oh god i think that's all i need for the next 24 hours i literally have my
hands over my face right
now that's how full i am you know if you saw me like oh my god did a loved one
die no i ate a giant
and I don't have enough water, I'm sorry.