Name: Bill Burr - Being Homeless
Uploaded: 2015-12-25T15:34:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Homeless' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Homeless' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

um hey is this bad i was watching last night when i was ignoring my wife being
a fucking child
myself uh and they were interviewing these homeless people who have like no
place to go
and all of that type of stuff and they were just saying you know we sit here we
see people
shopping for christmas and you know i'm thinking like uh you know i wish i had
a family i wish i
had somewhere to go and it was making me feel bad but you know i just went too
much one time they
just interviewed just the lazy homeless person who's just like yeah you know i
just never liked
having a job and uh one thing came to another and i ended up out here and uh
you know kind of sucks in
the winter but overall it's not bad you know for as much as i wear the same
pants every fucking day i
can take a nap whenever i want to i don't have anybody telling me what to do
right i'm eating
drinking i'm fucking hanging out just sort of existing that's still still gonna
suck i think
it'd be better to be homeless out in the woods you're enjoying nature right if
i was fucking
homeless i'd be homeless down near like a ballpark now where can you where can
you take a shower the
big thing is you got to take a shower it'll be awesome is if you knew someplace
where you could
shower in a place where you could steal new clothes every four to five days and
then you could just sort
walk around and just not have a fucking job you know sleep outside you get used
to it after a while i mean
when you really think about it as much as they're homeless aren't they just
sort of cavemen
in the modern day i mean we fucking slept outside back in the day native americans
slept in teepees
he had a little bit of shelter you can't tell me like a box isn't in the same
family tree as far as
shelter it's lower than a teepee or a fucking cave you know like when they do
the coaches like tree like
i was telling you where paul brown on any in his coaching tree was don shula
bill walsh chuck knoll
bud grant like say like the cave you got the cave and the family tree off of
that it's got to be the
the fucking teepee the wigwong the cardboard box uh refrigerator with no door
on it right
that'd be an interesting series the upside of being homeless
i think it's even better if you like just uh if you're sort of a booze hound
you know
i don't mean like just like killing yourself i just mean like shit-faced like
every day you drink like
you're going to a game and you just get fucking hammered right and you're just
sort of hanging out
on the street i'm sorry people i'm trying to you know this podcast started out
so negative i figure
i'd take something negative and maybe put a little sunshine on it you know like
i tell you you know
who's crushing it people who are homeless in santa monica you're literally
homeless where people
vacation you know we're like marina del rey just walking around looking for a
boat nobody's been on in a
minute right curl up on the deck just lay in there all right matey all right
maybe it does suck i think
it would just get exhausting after a while because i've locked myself out of
the house you know a
couple of times more times than i would like to admit and i gotta tell you just
sitting around outside
is uh it's fucking exhausting it's probably why cavemen were never fat a lot of
people think it's
because they didn't eat as much but it was just that exhausting uh the stress
of not having a door
that you could just fucking close and lock and know that nothing was going to
come along and eat you
i think uh i think that stress alone did i just invent a new diet
hi everybody this is bill burr i have a new diet for you it's called the remove
your front door and go
to sleep at night diet you'll wake up every eight seconds of the stress of it
there's got to be
something in there you throw in yogurt and just say probiotic you know you ever
wonder why our ancestors
were in such great shape it's because they were in fear for their lives 24 7.
even when they were
sleeping their their metabolism was still going because at any second they
realized that they might
have to outrun a wildebeest right if we could just somehow get back to that
three days a week if you
just removed your front door and went and fell asleep on the couch closest to
the front to the front door
you know that reminds me of i remember one time i met this shady chick on the
road
and we fucking hooked up and uh it seemed everything was cool at first and then
like
she started telling her story you know you start steering the conversation
towards sex you know
what i mean just yeah you do in your 20s you don't have any game and she
started telling me how uh
you ever oh god i'm going back so far you make when you talk to a woman right
you start talking to
about sex okay and they're open to it and you ever had that experience where
you're like oh yeah here we go
all set it's all set it's all set and then it just passes that tipping point to
be like all right
well you know i got you know obviously gonna wear a condom it's not that bad
all the way to the point
of like holy all right you know what i forget it forget it you know this was a
bad idea that's what
happened with this this person was open and uh was discussing things and uh i
don't know how we went from
uh hey i think you're kind of cute you want to hang out to her telling me that
she hosted a sex party
and i was like uh i'm sorry what what did you say she goes i hosted a sex party
and she said i said what is a uh what's a sex party and she goes well you know
you rent out all the
rooms on the same hotel floor and then everybody just leaves their doors open
and people just walk
around going in and out of each room and you just fuck whoever's in there
so at that point i decided that all right i don't know if i have the level of
protection i don't know
if they make a condom for that so uh
what what did we did things that there was no way that you could get catch
anything is basically it and
then i didn't know how to get her out of there so we fucking fell asleep and
this is when i was really
introverted and didn't know how to say what the fuck i was thinking i remember
she was sleeping on the
right side of the bed and it just so happened my watch um was on that side
nightstand and i was on
the other side of the bed and i swear to god i woke up like like 58 times that
night just kept getting
up looking seeing her there and making sure the watch was there rather than
just being like listen
can you uh can you just get the out i wouldn't say if you get the out of here
um but you know i bet i lost a lot of weight that night