Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Waiting For Your LAAAYY DEEEE!!!
Uploaded: 2015-12-25T15:40:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Waiting For Your LAAAYY DEEEE!!!' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Waiting For Your LAAAYY DEEEE!!!' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-25. Transcript available.

What's the matter?
I'm going to pick up the cake.
Are you going to go get the cake?
Yeah.
We're on good terms again, right?
Yes, we're friends again.
You like?
Me and Nia had the classic male-female argument that no matter how much time
you give them,
they're never ready.
You're never ready.
Hey, Nia, listen, we're going to a party Thursday, June 26th in 2017.
Can you be ready by four?
I'll try.
Yeah.
I just don't get it.
I sit there, and I was driving back from where I was coming from, right?
Jamming with some friends, man.
Yes.
So I called you, and I said, hey, I'm 15 minutes away.
And you're like, oh, I'm still trying to decide what I want to wear.
And I said, okay, and I hung up.
And do you know why I was yelling at the windshield?
Because you knew I wasn't going to be ready?
I was just like, how are you not ready?
How is she not ready?
She had three and a half hours, three hours and 20 minutes to get ready, and
you were not ready.
I thought that you were going to come in and change clothes.
I'm a guy.
I'm always ready.
I can literally get ready in eight minutes.
But you're right.
I did watch that last episode of Making a Murderer.
I knew you did.
I can get ready in eight minutes.
Back in the day, it was 15.
Yes.
Sit down.
I want you to come here.
Let's say that again into the microphone.
Tell me what happened.
Yeah.
I was watching the last episode of Making a Murderer.
Don't binge watch that series if you haven't watched it.
It's just not good for your soul.
I had to stop watching it.
Yeah.
And I want to sign the petition to help that guy out.
Let's stay on target.
Okay.
Forget about the guy who's wrongfully imprisoned for the second time.
Let's talk about me and my selfish needs.
Yeah.
So I watched the last episode of that, and then I fell asleep on the couch.
Okay.
So that's what happened.
So all the histrionics.
So then we're driving to the party.
We're driving to the party.
She's dressed up.
I'm dressed up.
We're both staring straight ahead, not talking to one another.
And as we're pulling up the fucking driveway, she goes, oh, we should have
brought a bottle
of wine or something.
And then I said, well, God knows you had plenty of time to do it.
And you know what?
The evening, as Michael Corleone would say, was over.
Godfather Part 2.
Over.
It was over.
And I got to give it to you.
For the rest of the party, you smiled and you pretended like we were a cohesive
couple.
That's true.
Yes, you did.
And you acted like you cared.
I didn't talk to each other, though.
No, we didn't.
I actually went into the kids' room, and I watched Fast and Furious with the
kids and enjoyed
it at the same level that they did, because I'm immature as hell.
And I just chatted with other people about making a murderer and soaked in
bleach.
Okay.
So then we get home, and she still hasn't said anything.
I remember we pulled up in the driveway, and then she goes, you know, I'm going
to get
out now, and just got out, walked around the car, and went into the house.
And I'm like, all right, she's mad.
And then we go downstairs, and you were putting fresh sheets on the bed, and I
said something
about us sleeping in the bed together.
You just looked at me and said, oh, I'm not sleeping here tonight.
At which point, I just tapped into German-Irish of, well, fuck you.
I can play the silent game all night.
I didn't say another word to you.
We talked a little bit.
No, you tried to initiate it, because you realized that no matter how much you
hate me, you like
sleeping next to me in a bed.
I don't hate you.
I don't hate you.
And I do love sleeping in a bed.
Stop with that condescending tone.
No, no.
I don't hate you.
But I do like sleeping next to you.
It's weird if I were to sleep in a different place.
Personally, I was looking forward to it.
I had the fucking NHL network ready to be queued up the second you walked out.
And then you came in, and then I literally had to fake asleep like I was eight
years old,
which I did, which is pretty sad.
Right?
And I, like, nudge you because you left your laptop on the bed.
And I was like, can you put this on your...
And I was mature enough not to say, I almost said, I thought you weren't
sleeping here.
And you would be like, you would not sleep here?
Why did I walk?
You'd stomp up the stairs extra loud to reinforce, I'm leaving now.
At which point, I wouldn't have done anything.
And then you'd come, don't, don't, don't, don't, back down.
You don't really care, do you?
No.
I wouldn't have done all that.
Maybe some of it, though.
Okay.
So there you go.
All right?
So in the future, Nia, just give yourself an extra four, five, seven hours.
I know, I know.
But it's like, I never know what to fucking wear.
And then I got to figure out how I want to wear my hair based on the outfit.
Do you ever think this is why men are more successful?
Aside from sexism and all that shit.
Oh, fuck you.
It just takes you guys too goddamn long to get ready.
Because I like to look nice.
And I, you know, but it does take me too long to get ready.
It's true.
I'm overthinking it a lot of the time.
So I won't do that.
I got to tell you, you shave your head, it cuts at least five minutes off the
prep time.
Oh, well, I'll make a note of that.
It's like that little mousing thing you got to do, you know, style it up.
What is that noise you made?
It was supposed to be me rubbing the mousse in my hands back in the day when I
used to style it up.
Sounds gross.
You know?
Oh, back in the day when you used to put the product in your hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I was young.
When you had hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Get out of here.
Go get your cake.
I'm going to go pick up the Christmas cake.
All right.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Hey, and Merry Christmas to you.
And you are forgiven.
I'm forgiven.
You're forgiven.
Yes.
For being a jerk face yesterday.
All right.
I'll take that.
Okay.
Thank you.
And deal.
Deal.
All right.
Get out of here.
There we go.
There we go.
Tragedy.
Averted.
Oh, I stuck with that, man.
Oh, I stayed in the pocket on that one.
She tried to turn it around about all the shit that I'm doing, you know?
And I was just like, hey, I know all the shit we're doing.
God knows I know all the shit we're doing.
And I know that I'm doing.
And I know you know the shit that I'm doing.
And I'm fucking working on it.
You know, I haven't yelled about sports on speakerphone the whole fucking week.
All right.
I haven't done that once.
And that gave me credibility.
All right.
They're never fucking ready.
I don't give a fuck how much time you give them.
They're never fucking ready.
Anyone kills me, then they get in the car and they're putting their fucking
makeup on.
And then over the years, you got all that makeup on the fucking visor.
Drives me nuts.
They're like, oh, just use an eyeliner and lipstick.
Somehow it gets on your fingers.
And it's like, swear to God, it's like an adult five-year-old.
You know, if you fucking have a kid, you know, there's going to be Cheerios and
shit all over your car.
Right.
And if you got to broaden your life, there's going to be makeup all over the,
they don't give a fuck.
You know, and you bring it up in your own cunty way.
What do they do?
They cry.
You know what?
You know what?
I'm going to make my million dollars on.
I'm going to make a fucking adult baby seat for a woman.
Right.
So when she's in a bad mood, like what everything I do for the family, just
stick her in there.
Right.
And you got a fucking pacifier.
That's like chai latte, fucking frappuccino, whatever the fuck they like
flavored to be.
All these different flavors, adult pacifiers for women, and you stick it in
there and then you leave.
Right.
I know there's a lot of women listening right now.
What about what about one for guys?
And all I say to that, why don't you come up with an original idea?
Huh?
Join in the NFL.
Oh, you guys got a lot of nerve.
This is really cunty for the holidays, isn't it?