Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Someone With Zero Ambition
Uploaded: 2015-12-28T11:50:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Someone With Zero Ambition' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Dating Someone With Zero Ambition' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2015-12-28. Transcript available.

All right, dating someone with zero ambition, a Billy Dickfingers, I don't even
know what
the fuck that means, but I like it.
I got to tell you, I like it.
Hey, Billy Dickfingers, I recently started listening to your podcast and you
got me hooked.
Always loved your stand up and when I found out you have a podcast, shit was
like a gift
from God.
Oh, aren't you a sweetheart?
Anyways, anyways, I've been dating this lady for almost three years now.
Things are going well, but I'm starting to get a little concerned about her.
She started hanging around some people who I feel are a bad influence to her.
They drink and she lets them drive her drunk.
Oh God, that's not good.
And all they do is smoke pot and dick around.
Now, I like when my girl can get out of the house and go have fun with her
friends, but
it's starting to influence her personality.
And whenever I try to call her out, she says bullshit like, okay, mom, or let
me live my
life.
I've recently been getting my creative slash ambitious crunch on and I'm
working on big
things, turning my hobby of music into a profession.
I'm trying to come up successfully in life and found myself at a critical point
where I need
to cut all the negative people out of my life.
Dude, you got your fucking head screwed on straight.
Exactly.
You're doing shit.
She's not doing shit.
Right?
This goes the same way, the other way around.
If you're a woman and you got your shit together and you're with somebody who
does not have
their shit together, you should be looking at, you know, and you've fired some
warning
shots and they're like, okay, mom, whatever.
It's just like, all right, dude.
All right.
Go live that life.
But those fucking people will drag you down with them.
All right.
Goddamn anchor around your neck.
So anyways, I love this email so far.
Right now, her lack of ambition and need to sit around all day and smoke pot is
kind of
soul crushing and disappointing.
I really love this girl, but I'm afraid I'll lose her to these shithead friends
and she'll
become a completely different person.
How do I try and help her get her shit together without seeming like a
controlling douche?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Well, I would memorize your last three sentences and I would just say it to her
in a nice way.
Just say, listen, I'll paraphrase what you wrote.
I really love you, but I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you.
I don't have these shithead friends.
All right.
I can't do it.
Listen, you just sit her down.
Just say, listen, I need to talk to you.
All right.
Put down the bond.
Focus.
All right.
You know, I love you, but I got to tell you, I've been concerned with the
people that you've
been hanging around with lately and I'm really feeling like it's starting to
influence.
Let me finish.
Just let me finish.
You don't have to agree with me.
I feel like it's influencing your behavior.
Before you hang out with these people, you're doing X, Y, and Z.
See, now you just kind of sit around the house smoking pot all day and it's
soul crushing
to me.
Okay.
It doesn't motivate me and I love you.
And to see you sitting there doing nothing with your life is killing me.
All right.
I need you to turn it around.
Okay.
And this is not a little thing.
This is a major crossroads.
I can't say that.
That's just say, I need you to turn.
I need you to do something about it.
And then this is the deal.
Either she does or she doesn't.
And if she doesn't, you fucking walk.
Cause I don't give a fuck how much you love this woman.
You're going to end up presenting, resenting her and hating her because she's
going to take
you down with her.
That's it.
That's the mom.
That's the mother of your kids sitting around fucking, you know, smelling like
bong water,
watching Bravo TV all fucking day.
You can't have, you can't have it.
You can't have it.
That's it.
All right.
This is what you take her out back.
Like fucking, uh, like Pauly.
Remember when Pauly talked to Henry Hill about drugs?
Stay away from that shit.
I'm not saying slap her in the face.
I'm just saying, you know, just sit there as you're cooking something.
Stay away from that shit.
All right.
I don't want that shit in my life.
That's not going to happen to me.
All right.
I got a friend of mine.
He's got a wife who's a total fucking pothead.
Okay.
He's only making 30 grand a year.
That guy was on his way to being an executive.
Right.
That ain't happening for me.
He's going to die in that cubicle.
That ain't happening to me.
Dude, you, you, you're doing exactly what you need to do here.
And you're questioning the right thing.
And I'm going to tell you something.
You're going to be successful in life because not only did you recognize this
in the person
that you're with, despite the fact that you love them.
All right.
You're motivated yourself and you understand already to get negative people out
of your life.
Dude, you got to fucking do it.
Okay.
This is, this is a one-time conversation.
All right.
That's it.
Get your shit together.
You say it nicely.
All right.
If you don't see, you don't see him turning around.
That's it.
That's it.
Fuck that dude.
There's so many fucking great motivated people out there that you could be with.
Okay.
You don't, you don't need this shit.
The fuck are you?
You're already a parent.
You're not even a parent yet.
You got a big fucking baby sitting there.
That's on drugs.
The worst kind of a baby.
An adult one on drugs.
Oh, you got me heated here.
Sorry.