Name: Bill Burr - Rose Bowl 2016
Uploaded: 2016-01-05T06:52:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rose Bowl 2016' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rose Bowl 2016' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-05. Transcript available.

so we uh we're stuck in that traffic i didn't get home until like uh 1 30 145
fell asleep around two and then i had to be up at 10 10 after five to then be
outside for the next
13 hours at the uh at the rose bowl this year we brought eight people and um
one of my buddies who went there he just called it the goon parade
and i gotta be honest with you uh that's kind of what we were um i don't
remember so much of it i
remember the whole game because i just stopped drinking because i had to drive
so i just remember
walking to the stadium and after that i remember the entire game um so i'll
take you through what
i remember so we get there right first time ever we get there so early they
haven't even opened the
gates yet so when we finally get in we're parked just outside the vip parking i
mean we had like
a five minute walk to the stadium it was tremendous and uh i remember bartnick
giving me a miller high
life the big grin on his face because we always have the miller high life to
start the day
lawhead got his why had made it by the way he made it you know i'll never smile
again um he made it
and uh he got all three of his fires going and getting ready for the breakfast
sandwiches and i
want to say that i waited till after i had lawhead's unbelievable breakfast
sandwich it's the best
breakfast sandwich i have every year is that one and it was absolutely
delicious and my favorite thing
was looking over at versey after he was two bites in and i was like hey paul i
go how's that breakfast
sandwich and he just shot me it looked like are you kidding me so i was already
psyched and i knew he was
going to have a great time and um after that i was like hey i'm like who wants
a heater and everybody's
like yeah all right so he poured like eight of them and i had these these those
big square ice cubes
i had made those and brought them over in a ziploc bag like a you know kilo of
coke so i drop
them into everybody's plastic cup and they're so big they don't make it all the
way down to the bottom
of the glass so the booze is actually below the ice level and everybody's
laughing i'm like well you just
got a fucking you got to pour more booze in there and then you put your hand
over the ice cube and it'll
melt down and that became the technique and then after that it just became like
a slideshow just the
stuff i remember i remember uh bartnick does this thing every year he gets off
the you know gets out of
the truck and he just screams at the top of his lungs ladies and gentlemen
welcome to the grand
daddy of them all and everybody's always terrified sort of laughing whatever so
these iowa fans somebody
just said oh we do not need that voice here and immediately were not liking us
and uh
i don't know i think that for whatever reason they were really they were like i
want to say older
than me but i'm pretty old at this point i'm 47. i think they were in their 50s
and for whatever reason
they were playing drake all right and it was like seven in the morning and
their music
was louder than our music so we're sitting there the sun hasn't even come up
yet and we're listening
to you used to call me on your cell phone you used to you you too and it just
was with doing like oh
god i think me playing that song like that song is like that's like there's a
few songs that get
played so much that you never need to hear them again i think the original song
was in the mood
but i think benny goodman it was a glenn miller
but i never need to hear that song ever again right i'd say book ending from
way back in the day
to right now it goes in the mood glenn miller and then uh cell phone
by drake i don't win that i like me they can only mean one thing oh he's such a
in that song
it's basically hey i used to just you i used to i use you and then he she moves
away and
then he's upset that the woman got on with the life
you know what a is he one of those possessive guys who once he something he
feels like he owns it for
the rest of his life let it go dude all you were doing was her and now what now
you want
her because she's not there anymore to come over and lick your balls and shape
up your beard afterwards
i mean move on with your life drake yo yo so that's going on and all i know and
they were annoyed with
how loud bartnick yelled so i don't know what happened somewhere between the
beer the shot and
the breakfast sandwich i glance over and the older guy is chirping in bartnick's
ear and bartnick is just
staring straight ahead 600 yard stare just standing there and i see the guy
talking talking talking and
then i just see joe just shrug his shoulders and be like well you know i don't
like your music
and i gotta be honest with you i don't know what else he said but 10 minutes
later those people were just gone and we never saw him again i don't know if
they had like some vip
you know iowa hawkeye barbecue thing the tent that they were going to i have no
idea but we
were dying laughing they had one conversation with joe like the hey do you mind
keeping it down a little
bit and joe just gave him the death you know the 600 yard stare and uh that was
it they just left
so that problem was solved then we were throwing the football around i
remembered everything but
forgot the bacon and uh what's his face lawhead was able to call an audible and
he had some bison
meat or something like that and bacon grease figure that one out i don't know
how the he did it but
um yeah and everything was going great i was throwing the football around
and then at some point i was just so hammered that i i fell down
and i was one of those drunk falls where it took me like 17 i started falling
and it took like 17
seconds for me to fall and the entire time i was saying i'm sorry uh it's now
known yeah it's now known as
the i'm sorry fall and it took me so long to fall that just about everybody at
the tailgate saw it
and uh i think if what i happened was i was standing
well i had had this tent you know one of those four posted tent things i was
standing underneath it
and unbeknownst to me was right behind me was my cooler and all the other coolers
and all the bags of
groceries sort of sprinkled out right and i was talking and i did an about face
to start walking
and immediately tripped over the first cooler all right and as i was trying to
get my leg to an open
area without stepping on hamburger buns i just you know there wasn't any space
to put my feet down
and i was doing like it was almost like a wide receiver after they catch a
football and they try to
stay in bounds and dance down the sidelines i was doing that but in between
condiments and food
and like that and i just i never regained my balance but i didn't go down for i
swear to god
if it was probably real time was probably like a four second fall but that's a
long time
you know if you just fall bam you're on the ground you know in under a second
right i would think
depending unless you're really short and you get there a little quicker so i
just kept going sorry
sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry and right as like my buddy nate came over to try and
stop me from falling i
just i landed on my back and i twisted my left knee and i hear the whole place
laughing and i was laughing
evidently my last step i stepped in some avocado and slipped on that and i just
went down like
just thud right on my back i landed like a wrestler so it didn't even hurt
where it was just my entire
back side hit the ground at the same time and um i remember talking about it
later and i was like yeah
but i didn't spill my drink i didn't spill my drink and everybody's like yeah
you did you did you spilt
it all over the front of your jacket
so um
then i remember getting up the apple pies out i remember the brisket and the
ribs being done and
those were delicious law i had killing it as always and then um i think i
smoked a cigar next
yeah i smoked a cigar and then we had the apple pies and everybody freaked out
they loved them and
then i was yeah then i smoked a cigar and i was like all right i gotta sober up
here because uh
in six hours the game will be over and we'll be done and then i gotta drive so
um oh hang on a second hang on
all right i'm back sorry about that had to blow my nose so anyway so then we
get into the uh we get
into the game and i still don't know his name because i was hammered um the
running back for
stanford just was right as we got to the stadium he already ran for a touchdown
and then it was just
like it was like a hollywood movie they couldn't stop this kid the kid even had
another one he ran
like 70 yards for a touchdown they had to bring it back they just couldn't get
the kid down
um and before you knew it it was like 28 to nothing 28 to nothing then it was
35 to nothing and we
we still had like half half of the second quarter the game was just over it
still was the worst
rose bowl game as far as being competitive that i've been to slash the greatest
individual performance
i've ever seen we got to see that kid he set the record for the most all-purpose
yards
ever in a rose bowl um and this is the granddaddy of them all it's the original
rose uh the original uh
i guess bowl game um even though the yale bowl is the original bowl stadium
figure that one out
anyways um so we got to see that and fortunately during halftime i didn't have
to watch the stanford band
um which by the way is just i mean could you could they be more of a bunch of
hipsters
the whole thing it's like they're mocking the halftime show yet not showing how
you can improve it
so there's like no risk you're just sort of mocking the whole thing like which
is to me classic hipster
behavior uh to me that's the difference between nerds and hipsters you know
what i mean
it's like all right so you think what the the the standard way that a halftime
show is done is too
rigid so you guys are gonna i just hate how the whole thing's done oh these
guys are crazy
oh look at the guy with the rainbow wig playing the drum oh what's he gonna do
the whole thing is
dumb and then i just thought it was a bad they made california look bad when
they made fun of the iowa
people with the whole uh you know farmers only and once again i don't know i
don't know anybody in
the stanford band but it just seems like that classic i live near an ocean
therefore i'm smarter than
you there's something about people live on the coast with their whole attitude
towards the middle of the
country it's the funniest thing ever to me like fly over state and blah blah
blah blah and all that it's
like those people that you're sitting there making fun of you know like farmers
only why don't you go
out there and go your sister it's like you mean the people who who grow the
food supply for this country
you dope what are you doing with your flute oh look at the cool kid with the
clarinet i don't know i
thought it was a hacky joke and um i don't know you know what i mean look if
you guys were you know just
decided to trash one another then it would be funny but it just kind of comes
off like uh it's like when
ricky gervais does that at the golden globes you know what i mean he hires a
staff of writers to write
roast jokes aimed at people who showed up with acceptance speeches and it's
just oh gee did you win that one
what are you gonna do next slap an ice cream out of a five-year-old hand i just
i don't know it's the
same thing with that i thought it was douchey behavior but fortunately i missed
all of it
you know and you can come out with a paper mache cow it'll be epic
uh kill yourselves it'd be one thing if stanford ever actually put on a good
halftime show like wow this
band is next level i get why they're trying to break the whole format of it but
if you actually watch uh
the competitions of the best college bands out there their drum lines alone
would destroy anyone in that band so uh you know i don't know every once in a
while i'm a conservative
and i'm a conservative on that one why just yeah you kind of made an ass of
yourself but anyways i just
hate the deliberately bad dancing that they do i think if you're gonna mock
dancing you should be
able to dance well you know to just suck at it and then be like making fun of
it then you just
fucking like all right yeah yeah just like we thought yeah you don't have any
talent
fuck the stanford band i love their football program though anyways uh
so while all of that was going on all that that fucking nauseating hipster
behavior
uh the looks on their faces like everyone in the crowd is like their mind is
blown like oh my god
what's going on it's the fuck uh you're in the band
you're playing the fucking triangle out there you're not a rebel you're not
freaking anybody out
um so anyways uh we actually went out to the concession stand and um you know
just standing
the whole fucking half time we're standing this in this in this line and we
actually missed the first
three minutes of the uh the third quarter and i'm standing in this line this
comedian sean quinn from
philly he's hilarious right so we get all the way up there and uh i ordered a
pretzel and a water and he
ordered a pretzel and something else and uh i'm coming around he's still
drinking you know he doesn't have
to drive so he's still drinking during the game and they hand him the pretzel
and he proceeds after we
waited a half an hour for our food she hands him the pretzel and he just fumbled
it it was like a bad
exchange between the quarterback and the running back you know they like bump
into each other the dude never
quite has the ball he never quite had the pretzel and it just goes end over end
in like slow motion
and falls salt side down onto the concrete where everybody's standing he
immediately bends down and
picks it up and i'm looking at him and he just goes he's like yeah it's all
right it's all right i'm like
dude you got to give that thing back and he's like no it's all right it's all
right right he doesn't
give a so i'm dying laughing like this guy's a maniac it's like people walking
in and out of
restrooms and then coming over here standing in this food line he out of your
mind but i'm
still kind of drunk so then i go over we're putting mustard on the pretzel and
then out of nowhere
layard shows up and he asked he asked sean for the piece of his pretzel and he
gave it to him
i almost fainted i was laughing so hard thing was on the ground i was like
it was like watching him poison him but i couldn't say anything i was laughing
so hard
so uh then we get we finally get back into the uh
finally get back into the uh the stadium and then just the whole game just
stopped i mean
there was barely any scoring iowa came back and scored a couple um i was psyched
for verzi because
he uh he won two bets but he bet stanford and then in the next half he bet the
over he won both
of them so he picked up a buck 50 or something like that and um i don't know
then we just ended up going
back the game was over and then we went back to uh the truck we were hanging
out we got the bonfire
going the sun was down and in the middle of having the bonfire all of a sudden
this kid
comes walking by with another friend this iowa kid and he just goes he just
goes hey he goes hey that
bonfire is illegal you can't have it it's illegal and rice he was probably be
like go like ha ha ha i'm
just around the philly guy he goes oh shut the up you're blah blah blah right
and then the kid
puffs up his chest there's like 10 of us sitting here this kid was like uh he
was like five six five
seven he comes running up you know talking all this and i'm just sitting there
looking at him like
there's 10 of us here you know do you have an uzi like what what are you doing
right so he gets into
it there's back and forth the next thing you know verse he's over there and it
looks like verse he's
about ready to square off with the guy because the guy kept walking away like
all right all right
whatever whatever and he'd be like all right fine fine fine well you because we'd
always had the last
thing and then we'd be like you and it just kept going back and forth and back
and forth and
finally the guy's like 30 yards away verse he's talking to him and i thought
like oh this kid's
gonna sucker him so i got up over there i'm going relax relax relax and then
all of a sudden i hear a
bottle break and this maniac philly guy right breaks the bottle that's the
funniest thing ever
he breaks the bottle on the pavement and he did it way too hard when he brought
his hand up there
was no bottle left he just shattered the thing but then he like mimed like he
still had the bottle in
his hand and this is the best part the iowa kid talking never flinched so now
he's pretending he had
a bottle in his hand i didn't even know what he was gonna do it was like a
movie just like what the
right so the dude finally goes away has to yell a few more things and um it was
so ridiculous then we went
back and we we were sitting around and all we did for the rest of the time
there was make fun of sean
and how there was no bottle left and he actually cut his hand and we were all
just sitting there going
like dude what were you gonna do and he's like i don't know i don't know what i
always wanted to do
that it was just it's ridiculous so um and by then you know actually as i was
coming out of the game i i was
i was so sober i had already gotten into the hangover so i just started
drinking waters
and um then had another two hot dogs and a hamburger and i gotta tell you dude
my body was like what the
and i just drove home like with a splitting headache stone sober splitting
headache and um and then by then
my knee was killing me and i was walking like i had just ridden a horse from
here to Massachusetts
and i was i was shot i came home and i just fucking just pounded like three
waters
and that was it was during that time where i was just thinking to myself like i'm
never
going to that game again i'm i'm fucking you know when you're out three to six
weeks
with a fucking knee strain because you went to a tailgate you really got to
start like looking back
going like what the but it happened to me again this year you know every year i
go you know i'm going
to go a little easy i'm going to go easy i want to remember as much of this
tailgate as i can like
i passed out for like an hour of it and part of it was the alcohol but the
other part was just like
i'd only gotten three hours sleep you know there's only so far you can go
when you start the day off with a miller all right let me um but it was one of
the one of the best uh
one of the best tailgates and i loved hanging with uh all the new people that
came along and i'm now of course obsessed with the philly accent it's the
funniest accent
you got a bad back asshole everything's a john

Bill Burr - Rose Bowl 2016

so we uh we're stuck in that traffic i didn't get home until like uh 1 30 145
fell asleep around two and then i had to be up at 10 10 after five to then be
outside for the next
13 hours at the uh at the rose bowl this year we brought eight people and um
one of my buddies who went there he just called it the goon parade
and i gotta be honest with you uh that's kind of what we were um i don't
remember so much of it i
remember the whole game because i just stopped drinking because i had to drive
so i just remember
walking to the stadium and after that i remember the entire game um so i'll
take you through what
i remember so we get there right first time ever we get there so early they
haven't even opened the
gates yet so when we finally get in we're parked just outside the vip parking i
mean we had like
a five minute walk to the stadium it was tremendous and uh i remember bartnick
giving me a miller high
life the big grin on his face because we always have the miller high life to
start the day
lawhead got his why had made it by the way he made it you know i'll never smile
again um he made it
and uh he got all three of his fires going and getting ready for the breakfast
sandwiches and i
want to say that i waited till after i had lawhead's unbelievable breakfast
sandwich it's the best
breakfast sandwich i have every year is that one and it was absolutely
delicious and my favorite thing
was looking over at versey after he was two bites in and i was like hey paul i
go how's that breakfast
sandwich and he just shot me it looked like are you kidding me so i was already
psyched and i knew he was
going to have a great time and um after that i was like hey i'm like who wants
a heater and everybody's
like yeah all right so he poured like eight of them and i had these these those
big square ice cubes
i had made those and brought them over in a ziploc bag like a you know kilo of
coke so i drop
them into everybody's plastic cup and they're so big they don't make it all the
way down to the bottom
of the glass so the booze is actually below the ice level and everybody's
laughing i'm like well you just
got a fucking you got to pour more booze in there and then you put your hand
over the ice cube and it'll
melt down and that became the technique and then after that it just became like
a slideshow just the
stuff i remember i remember uh bartnick does this thing every year he gets off
the you know gets out of
the truck and he just screams at the top of his lungs ladies and gentlemen
welcome to the grand
daddy of them all and everybody's always terrified sort of laughing whatever so
these iowa fans somebody
just said oh we do not need that voice here and immediately were not liking us
and uh
i don't know i think that for whatever reason they were really they were like i
want to say older
than me but i'm pretty old at this point i'm 47. i think they were in their 50s
and for whatever reason
they were playing drake all right and it was like seven in the morning and
their music
was louder than our music so we're sitting there the sun hasn't even come up
yet and we're listening
to you used to call me on your cell phone you used to you you too and it just
was with doing like oh
god i think me playing that song like that song is like that's like there's a
few songs that get
played so much that you never need to hear them again i think the original song
was in the mood
but i think benny goodman it was a glenn miller
but i never need to hear that song ever again right i'd say book ending from
way back in the day
to right now it goes in the mood glenn miller and then uh cell phone
by drake i don't win that i like me they can only mean one thing oh he's such a
in that song
it's basically hey i used to just you i used to i use you and then he she moves
away and
then he's upset that the woman got on with the life
you know what a is he one of those possessive guys who once he something he
feels like he owns it for
the rest of his life let it go dude all you were doing was her and now what now
you want
her because she's not there anymore to come over and lick your balls and shape
up your beard afterwards
i mean move on with your life drake yo yo so that's going on and all i know and
they were annoyed with
how loud bartnick yelled so i don't know what happened somewhere between the
beer the shot and
the breakfast sandwich i glance over and the older guy is chirping in bartnick's
ear and bartnick is just
staring straight ahead 600 yard stare just standing there and i see the guy
talking talking talking and
then i just see joe just shrug his shoulders and be like well you know i don't
like your music
and i gotta be honest with you i don't know what else he said but 10 minutes
later those people were just gone and we never saw him again i don't know if
they had like some vip
you know iowa hawkeye barbecue thing the tent that they were going to i have no
idea but we
were dying laughing they had one conversation with joe like the hey do you mind
keeping it down a little
bit and joe just gave him the death you know the 600 yard stare and uh that was
it they just left
so that problem was solved then we were throwing the football around i
remembered everything but
forgot the bacon and uh what's his face lawhead was able to call an audible and
he had some bison
meat or something like that and bacon grease figure that one out i don't know
how the he did it but
um yeah and everything was going great i was throwing the football around
and then at some point i was just so hammered that i i fell down
and i was one of those drunk falls where it took me like 17 i started falling
and it took like 17
seconds for me to fall and the entire time i was saying i'm sorry uh it's now
known yeah it's now known as
the i'm sorry fall and it took me so long to fall that just about everybody at
the tailgate saw it
and uh i think if what i happened was i was standing
well i had had this tent you know one of those four posted tent things i was
standing underneath it
and unbeknownst to me was right behind me was my cooler and all the other coolers
and all the bags of
groceries sort of sprinkled out right and i was talking and i did an about face
to start walking
and immediately tripped over the first cooler all right and as i was trying to
get my leg to an open
area without stepping on hamburger buns i just you know there wasn't any space
to put my feet down
and i was doing like it was almost like a wide receiver after they catch a
football and they try to
stay in bounds and dance down the sidelines i was doing that but in between
condiments and food
and like that and i just i never regained my balance but i didn't go down for i
swear to god
if it was probably real time was probably like a four second fall but that's a
long time
you know if you just fall bam you're on the ground you know in under a second
right i would think
depending unless you're really short and you get there a little quicker so i
just kept going sorry
sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry and right as like my buddy nate came over to try and
stop me from falling i
just i landed on my back and i twisted my left knee and i hear the whole place
laughing and i was laughing
evidently my last step i stepped in some avocado and slipped on that and i just
went down like
just thud right on my back i landed like a wrestler so it didn't even hurt
where it was just my entire
back side hit the ground at the same time and um i remember talking about it
later and i was like yeah
but i didn't spill my drink i didn't spill my drink and everybody's like yeah
you did you did you spilt
it all over the front of your jacket
so um
then i remember getting up the apple pies out i remember the brisket and the
ribs being done and
those were delicious law i had killing it as always and then um i think i
smoked a cigar next
yeah i smoked a cigar and then we had the apple pies and everybody freaked out
they loved them and
then i was yeah then i smoked a cigar and i was like all right i gotta sober up
here because uh
in six hours the game will be over and we'll be done and then i gotta drive so
um oh hang on a second hang on
all right i'm back sorry about that had to blow my nose so anyway so then we
get into the uh we get
into the game and i still don't know his name because i was hammered um the
running back for
stanford just was right as we got to the stadium he already ran for a touchdown
and then it was just
like it was like a hollywood movie they couldn't stop this kid the kid even had
another one he ran
like 70 yards for a touchdown they had to bring it back they just couldn't get
the kid down
um and before you knew it it was like 28 to nothing 28 to nothing then it was
35 to nothing and we
we still had like half half of the second quarter the game was just over it
still was the worst
rose bowl game as far as being competitive that i've been to slash the greatest
individual performance
i've ever seen we got to see that kid he set the record for the most all-purpose
yards
ever in a rose bowl um and this is the granddaddy of them all it's the original
rose uh the original uh
i guess bowl game um even though the yale bowl is the original bowl stadium
figure that one out
anyways um so we got to see that and fortunately during halftime i didn't have
to watch the stanford band
um which by the way is just i mean could you could they be more of a bunch of
hipsters
the whole thing it's like they're mocking the halftime show yet not showing how
you can improve it
so there's like no risk you're just sort of mocking the whole thing like which
is to me classic hipster
behavior uh to me that's the difference between nerds and hipsters you know
what i mean
it's like all right so you think what the the the standard way that a halftime
show is done is too
rigid so you guys are gonna i just hate how the whole thing's done oh these
guys are crazy
oh look at the guy with the rainbow wig playing the drum oh what's he gonna do
the whole thing is
dumb and then i just thought it was a bad they made california look bad when
they made fun of the iowa
people with the whole uh you know farmers only and once again i don't know i
don't know anybody in
the stanford band but it just seems like that classic i live near an ocean
therefore i'm smarter than
you there's something about people live on the coast with their whole attitude
towards the middle of the
country it's the funniest thing ever to me like fly over state and blah blah
blah blah and all that it's
like those people that you're sitting there making fun of you know like farmers
only why don't you go
out there and go your sister it's like you mean the people who who grow the
food supply for this country
you dope what are you doing with your flute oh look at the cool kid with the
clarinet i don't know i
thought it was a hacky joke and um i don't know you know what i mean look if
you guys were you know just
decided to trash one another then it would be funny but it just kind of comes
off like uh it's like when
ricky gervais does that at the golden globes you know what i mean he hires a
staff of writers to write
roast jokes aimed at people who showed up with acceptance speeches and it's
just oh gee did you win that one
what are you gonna do next slap an ice cream out of a five-year-old hand i just
i don't know it's the
same thing with that i thought it was douchey behavior but fortunately i missed
all of it
you know and you can come out with a paper mache cow it'll be epic
uh kill yourselves it'd be one thing if stanford ever actually put on a good
halftime show like wow this
band is next level i get why they're trying to break the whole format of it but
if you actually watch uh
the competitions of the best college bands out there their drum lines alone
would destroy anyone in that band so uh you know i don't know every once in a
while i'm a conservative
and i'm a conservative on that one why just yeah you kind of made an ass of
yourself but anyways i just
hate the deliberately ba