Name: Bill Burr - Potter's Graves / Funny Epitaphs
Uploaded: 2016-01-22T21:58:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Potter's Graves / Funny Epitaphs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Potter's Graves / Funny Epitaphs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-22. Transcript available.

you know speaking of dying by the way speaking of death um you know i went on
the uh internet
today and i was looking up uh uh where the fuck is it oh here it is here it is
install later get
out of here beat it trying an hour try tonight jesus how can you be more
fucking needy all right
where is it new york city discusses world's largest tax-funded mass grave might
be turned
into a park now i lived in new york start spreading the news i'm wearing sweatpants
i'm gonna go down to
10 steaks and eat some shit and i'll feel like i'm making it there you know
successful new yorkers
think just because they're in manhattan you know what i mean everybody looks at
themselves like
they're the star you know no one sees themselves as background you know what i
mean you're the ones
waving up at the beatles you're not in the beatles you understand you're the
one in the crowd screaming
you know fainting as security takes you out as you're looking at somebody
successful right that's
who you are yeah those people already on the subway as they try to jam another
person in there and the
world needs you the world needs you okay if i can go to white castle and eat 18
of those burgers i'll be
a fat titted fuck in the upper deck um sorry all right world's largest tax-funded
mass graves so
there's an island out there which i had no idea uh i mean i knew of ellis
island and then there's
the island that the statue of liberty is on then i knew there was one that the
navy owned or some shit
but there's this other island out there that um they just bury people that don't
have any money or
you know nobody knows who the fuck they are it's called heart island or as a
tourist from boston
would say fucking hot island let's go out to hot island dude maybe we can find
our fucking uncle
got in trouble with the bookie um heart island new york rosalie grable looks
down over rows of white
pipes some broken or covered in mud sticking out of the dirt each tube marks
the grave of 150 adults
uh dash homeless poor veterans and unclaimed individuals who couldn't afford
anything but
a spot in what's widely to believe to be the world's largest tax-funded mass
grave
you know tax-funded mass grave not mass grave because believe me i think isn't
there one underneath uh
isn't there one underneath like wall street they just massacred a bunch of
native americans
or some shit then they just bury them all isn't that what they used to do back
then all right that
takes care of that who wants to build a log cabin right lunatics um so whatever
gravel a 64-year-old
resident of the upper upper west side wants grass and wildflowers to hide the
dirty white plastic
she's come here to honor her mother who died in a hospital bed with no savings
to leave to her daughter
she said i'm still getting used to the idea that my mommy wound still calls her
mommy that's creepy
uh wound up in a potter's grave i know that's my mother i know that my mother
was expecting something
more much more traditional i don't understand people who like when they die
they want to have
one of those above ground fucking like tombs you know like the above it's like
the above ground swimming
pool of grave sites you know it's like how fucking special do you think you are
because you're dead
they should just have mass graves they should have a giant pit you just fucking
you know the
family doesn't need to see it but you just fucking throw it in there throw it
in there and then as
you dissolve you become the next fossil fuel right think about all the fucking
people that have lived in
the world if we had in one giant massive grave in each country and you used
whatever whatever i don't
know how the you end up turning into motor oil but evidently that's what
happens i know if you jump off
a building you explode like a water balloon because you're mostly water and i
don't know if you eat a
lot of italian food you know like i do you got a lot of olive oil in you who
knows maybe you might
help out somebody's lawnmower in the future that's what they should do holy did
i just solve global
warming or maybe i solved the middle east crisis and if elected i will begin
burying all dead americans
in the same hole and a hundred years from now we will use the fossil fuel that
that has created
to free ourselves from the saudi arabians
i am so sick of seeing world leaders go to the u.n and act like we have a
friend of some sort of a
friendship um i don't know if that's that's something you could do but anyways
i became
fascinated with that expression i hope i'm saying right potter's grave so i
looked it up and of course
you know my research on the internet on the internet never goes past wikipedia
never goes past it you know
uh all right a potter's field comma popper's field or a common grave is a term
for a place for the
burial of unknown or indigent people or is that indigent all right so i clicked
on indigent or ended i don't
isn't it astounding how dumb i think most astounding about how stupid i am it's
the fact that you guys
fucking listen to this i actually thought i was halfway smart until i started
reading out loud here
i-n-d-i-g-e-n-t
indigent indigent you say tomato i say indigent what indigent indigent
i'm just gonna stop saying i just i'm just i feel like every time i say it i'm
like
fucking i'm like that guy i'm playing blackjack going hit me hit me hit me over
over your
fucking iq's just going down all right so i looked up uh that word that i'm not
going to say anymore
oh god is it possible to get embarrassed on a podcast that only you are doing
you know if it's possible i'm doing it all right pop and it ends up coming up
is poverty
poverty is a general scarcity dearth or the slate of one but well what the
how did this come to uh after the industrial revolution mass production in
factories made
product production goods increasingly less expensive and more accessible of
more importance
is the modernization of the agriculture's and fertilizers
poverty reduction is a major goal oh give me a is it really is it really a
major goal when the
fucking ceo takes 80 percent of the profits huh
one of the guys who's working the line his daughter's already hooking
is up in the ceo's office blowing them you know because she can't go to
fucking calling and the circle is complete oh that was a little poetry there
all right the u.s expression
let me get back to the potter's field the u.s expression potter's field derives
from the bible
oh gee referring to a field used for the extraction of potter's clay such land
used for agriculture
could be used as a burial site so after they dug out all the clay they just
threw people in there
well there you go that's a good use of space
all right the term comes oh let's let's read some bible oh my god i've never
done this read some bible
let's read from the bible the term comes from matthew 27 semi-colon no colon 3-27-8
in the new
testament of the bible in which jewish priests take 30 pieces of silver
returned by a remorseful judas
colon oh geez this would be some anti-semitic shit okay and then this one says
then judas who
portrayed him i think that's j-star he could he betrayed j-star there uh seeing
that he was condemned
repenting himself brought back the 30 pieces of silvers to the chief priests
and ancients saying
i have sinned and betraying innocent blood but they said what is that to us
look thou to it yep there you
go there's the anti-semitism right there hey what do we give a shit just give
us the silver pieces there uh
judy
and casting down the pieces of silver in the temple he departed and went and
hanged himself with a halter
the free a halter top they had those backs there but he hang himself with a
little sports bra
uh but the chief priests having taking the pieces of silver said it's not lawful
to put them into the
corbona didn't chrysler used to make those the chrysler corbona with clarinthian
leather
the term mike box what the f a mike box isn't that a bug also alms box or poor
box refers to a box that
is used to save coin or a piggy bank that's what you should say to save coins
for charitable purposes
oh so then okay i get it so then they say wait a minute this guy killed the uh
king of the jews and
we're sitting here with the fucking loot from the caper we'll go stick it in
the fucking donation box
and nobody says a word you got me all right and then after that they had
consulted to get you know what
this might be a new section you want me to guys i'll start reading the fucking
bible and i'll give you
my interpretation of it gradually i'll start my own church right and i'll say
that i have a direct length
to he that is the one if and then gradually i'll slide my direct length over
into just saying hey
uh maybe i'm that guy i am that guy i am him uh blow me i'm fucking all the
women here and uh you
guys get out in the field and grow some more apples that's basically fast
forwarding through running a
cult oh there's the fbi here everybody drink this
over the lips and over the gums suck it down here they come all right don't
site refer to these verses
known as that's really interesting and sad there's something sad about that
right
is anybody ever had like a marquee on their head site you know like a big gravestone
and then just have like you know like the chicago theater but like to scale to
a headstone
performing here for eternity or some hacky former show business
oh christ now i gotta look this up now i gotta look this up those people who
have wacky headstones
saying here we go funny headstones all right here we go what do we got here
what do we got here
images for funny headstones now what are the odds any of these are going to be
funny
all right charlie oh this is just funny name charlie loser born in 1887 and
john loser
jesus christ they're such losers they're buried in the same place joke's over
let me out now
uh leslie nielsen he's got a joke on his what does it say let her rip
i don't know what the that means well these are just funny names stiff titman
boogers spanks
who put this up here beefus and buffett butthead one's by i mean funny sayings
jesus christ the
internet funny sayings headstones here we go oh my god this is a riot oh epitaphs
here we go
15 of the funniest epitaph all right somebody has dot dot dot well this sucks
that's not bad
billy wilder i'm a writer but then nobody's perfect oh jesus oh jesus it's such
an npr joke uh jack
lemon in oh it's like a movie headstone jack lemon was one hell of an actor and
a funny one to boot
here's his here he stars in his final role well in the ground ah that's a good
one uh this one gets
to the point well this sucks it was another one all right this one this ain't
bad once you get used to
it that's not bad i was supposed to live to be 102 and be shot by a jealous
husband
near this spot you know something actually if they were all interesting i think
people would go to
fucking graveyards more rather than getting creeped out by it um near this spot
samuel whitmore then 80
years old killed three british soldiers he was shot he was shot bayoneted
beaten and left for dead
but recovered and lived to be 90 years of age this guy's talking here i lie but
don't you cry for one
day two you will die ah what a cunt lizzie nielsen let her rip merv griffin i
will not be right back
after this message there's the winner right there i like that somebody wrote ha
get it such a comedian
you can't make anybody happy on the internet all right bill kugel he never
voted for republicans
and had little to do with them yeah that was bad here's one said i told you i
was sick that's that's
funny another one i knew this would happen some of these are pretty good rodney
dangerfield there goes
the neighborhood here lies something something hang by mistake in 1882 he was
right we was wrong but we
stand him up and now he's gone oh dude you can't go with poetry
i guess that's it well there you go guys that's about as good as it gets and
you know you know you
can do better why don't you just have what the are you looking at i don't know
let's let's read the
advertising shall we a lot of death a lot of death this week a lot of death on
the podcast um all right

Bill Burr - Potter's Graves / Funny Epitaphs

you know speaking of dying by the way speaking of death um you know i went on
the uh internet
today and i was looking up uh uh where the fuck is it oh here it is here it is
install later get
out of here beat it trying an hour try tonight jesus how can you be more
fucking needy all right
where is it new york city discusses world's largest tax-funded mass grave might
be turned
into a park now i lived in new york start spreading the news i'm wearing sweatpants
i'm gonna go down to
10 steaks and eat some shit and i'll feel like i'm making it there you know
successful new yorkers
think just because they're in manhattan you know what i mean everybody looks at
themselves like
they're the star you know no one sees themselves as background you know what i
mean you're the ones
waving up at the beatles you're not in the beatles you understand you're the
one in the crowd screaming
you know fainting as security takes you out as you're looking at somebody
successful right that's
who you are yeah those people already on the subway as they try to jam another
person in there and the
world needs you the world needs you okay if i can go to white castle and eat 18
of those burgers i'll be
a fat titted fuck in the upper deck um sorry all right world's largest tax-funded
mass graves so
there's an island out there which i had no idea uh i mean i knew of ellis
island and then there's
the island that the statue of liberty is on then i knew there was one that the
navy owned or some shit
but there's this other island out there that um they just bury people that don't
have any money or
you know nobody knows who the fuck they are it's called heart island or as a
tourist from boston
would say fucking hot island let's go out to hot island dude maybe we can find
our fucking uncle
got in trouble with the bookie um heart island new york rosalie grable looks
down over rows of white
pipes some broken or covered in mud sticking out of the dirt each tube marks
the grave of 150 adults
uh dash homeless poor veterans and unclaimed individuals who couldn't afford
anything but
a spot in what's widely to believe to be the world's largest tax-funded mass
grave
you know tax-funded mass grave not mass grave because believe me i think isn't
there one underneath uh
isn't there one underneath like wall street they just massacred a bunch of
native americans
or some shit then they just bury them all isn't that what they used to do back
then all right that
takes care of that who wants to build a log cabin right lunatics um so whatever
gravel a 64-year-old
resident of the upper upper west side wants grass and wildflowers to hide the
dirty white plastic
she's come here to honor her mother who died in a hospital bed with no savings
to leave to her daughter
she said i'm still getting used to the idea that my mommy wound still calls her
mommy that's creepy
uh wound up in a potter's grave i know that's my mother i know that my mother
was expecting something
more much more traditional i don't understand people who like when they die
they want to have
one of those above ground fucking like tombs you know like the above it's like
the above ground swimming
pool of grave sites you know it's like how fucking special do you think you are
because you're dead
they should just have mass graves they should have a giant pit you just fucking
you know the
family doesn't need to see it but you just fucking throw it in there throw it
in there and then as
you dissolve you become the next fossil fuel right think about all the fucking
people that have lived in
the world if we had in one giant massive grave in each country and you used
whatever whatever i don't
know how the you end up turning into motor oil but evidently that's what
happens i know if you jump off
a building you explode like a water balloon because you're mostly water and i
don't know if you eat a
lot of italian food you know like i do you got a lot of olive oil in you who
knows maybe you might
help out somebody's lawnmower in the future that's what they should do holy did
i just solve global
warming or maybe i solved the middle east crisis and if elected i will begin
burying all dead americans
in the same hole and a hundred years from now we will use the fossil fuel that
that has created
to free ourselves from the saudi arabians
i am so sick of seeing world leaders go to the u.n and act like we have a
friend of some sort of a
friendship um i don't know if that's that's something you could do but anyways
i became
fascinated with that expression i hope i'm saying right potter's grave so i
looked it up and of course
you know my research on the internet on the internet never goes past wikipedia
never goes past it you know
uh all right a potter's field comma popper's field or a common grave is a term
for a place for the
burial of unknown or indigent people or is that indigent all right so i clicked
on indigent or ended i don't
isn't it astounding how dumb i think most astounding about how stupid i am it's
the fact that you guys
fucking listen to this i actually thought i was halfway smart until i started
reading out loud here
i-n-d-i-g-e-n-t
indigent indigent you say tomato i say indigent what indigent indigent
i'm just gonna stop saying i just i'm just i feel like every time i say it i'm
like
fucking i'm like that guy i'm playing blackjack going hit me hit me hit me over
over your
fucking iq's just going down all right so i looked up uh that word that i'm not
going to say anymore
oh god is it possible to get embarrassed on a podcast that only you are doing
you know if it's possible i'm doing it all right pop and it ends up coming up
is poverty
poverty is a general scarcity dearth or the slate of one but well what the
how did this come to uh after the industrial revolution mass production in
factories made
product production goods increasingly less expensive and more accessible of
more importance
is the modernization of the agriculture's and fertilizers
poverty reduction is a major goal oh give me a is it really is it really a
major goal when the
fucking ceo takes 80 percent of the profits huh
one of the guys who's working the line his daughter's already hooking
is up in the ceo's office blowing them you know because she can't go to
fucking calling and the circle is complete oh that was a little poetry there
all right the u.s expression
let me get back to the potter's field the u.s expression potter's field derives
from the bible
oh gee referring to a field used for the extraction of potter's clay such land
used for agriculture
could be used as a burial site so after they dug out all the clay they just
threw people in there
well there you go that's a good use of space
all right the term comes oh let's let's read some bible oh my god i've never
done this read some bible
let's read from the bible the term comes from matthew 27 semi-colon no colon 3-27-8
in the new
testament of the bible in which jewish priests take 30 pieces of silver
returned by a remorseful judas
colon oh geez this would be some anti-semitic shit okay and then this one says
then judas who
portrayed him i think that's j-star he could he betrayed j-star there uh seeing
that he was condemned
repenting himself brought back the 30 pieces of silvers to the chief priests
and ancients saying
i have sinned and betraying innocent blood but they said what is that to us
look thou to it yep there you
go there's the anti-semitism right there hey what do we give a shit just give
us the silver pieces there uh
judy
and casting down the pieces of silver in the temple he departed and went and
hanged himself with a halter
the free a halter top they had those backs there but he hang himself with a
little sports bra
uh but the chief priests having taking the pieces of silver said it's not lawful
to put them into the
corbona didn't chrysler used to make those the chrysler corbona with clarinthian
leather
the term mike box what the f a mike box isn't that a bug also alms box or poor
box refers to a box that
is used to save coin or a piggy bank that's what you should say to save coins
for charitable purposes
oh so then okay i get it so then they say wait a minute this guy killed the uh
king of the jews and
we're sitting here with the fucking loot from the caper we'll go stick it in
the fucking donation box
and nobody says a word you got me all right and then after that they had
consulted to get you know what
this might be a new section you want me to guys i'll start reading the fucking
bible and i'll give you
my interpretation of it gradually i'll start my own church right and i'll say
that i have a direct length
to he that is the one if and then gradually i'll slide my direct length over
into just saying hey
uh maybe i'm that guy i am that guy i am him uh blow me i'm fucking all the
women here and uh you
guys get out in the field and grow some more apples that's basically fast
forwarding through running a
cult oh there's the fbi here everybody drink this
over the lips and over the gums suck it down here they come all right don't
site refer to these verses
known as that's really interesting and sad there's something sad about that
right
is anybody ever had like a marquee on their head site you know like a big gravestone
and then just have like you know like the chicago theater but like to scale to
a headstone
performing here for eternity or some hacky former show business
oh christ now i gotta look this up now i gotta look this up those people who
have wacky headstones
saying here we go funny headstones all right here we go what do we got here
what do we got here
images for funny headstones now what are the odds any of these are going to be
funny
all right charlie oh this is just funny name charlie loser born in 1887 and
john loser
jesus christ they're such losers they're buried in the same place joke's over
let me out now
uh leslie nielsen he's got a joke on his what does it say let her rip
i don't know what the that means well these are just funny names stiff titman
boogers spanks
who put this up here beefus and buffett butthead one's by i mean funny sayings
jesus christ the
internet funny sayings headstones here we go oh my god this is a riot oh epitaphs
here we go
15 of the funniest epitaph all right somebody has dot dot dot well this sucks
that's not bad
billy wilder i'm a writer but then nobody's perfect oh jesus oh jesus it's such
an npr joke uh jack
lemon in oh it's like a movie headstone jack lemon was one hell of an actor and
a funny one to boot
here's his here he stars in his final role well in the ground ah that's a good
one uh this one gets
to the point well this sucks it was another one all right this one this ain't
bad once you get used to
it that's not bad i was supposed to live to be 102 and be shot by a jealous
husband
near this spot you know something actually if they were all interesting i think
people would go to
fucking graveyards more rather than getting creeped out by it um near this spot
samuel whitmore then 80
years old killed three british soldiers he was shot he was shot bayoneted
beaten and left for dead
but recovered and lived to be 90 years of age this guy's talking here i lie but
don't you cry for one
day two you will die ah what a cunt lizzie nielsen let her rip merv griffin i
will not be right back
after this message there's the winner right there i like that somebody wrote ha
get it such a comedian
you can't make anybody happy on the internet all right bill kugel he never
voted for republicans
and had little to do with them yeah that was bad here's one said i told you i
was sick that's that's
funny another one i knew this would happen some of these are pretty good rodney
dangerfield there goes
the neighborhood here lies something something hang by mistake in 1882 he was
right we was wrong but we
stand him up and now he's gone oh dude you can't go with poetry
i guess that's it well there you go guys that's about as good as it gets and
you know you know you
can do better why don't you just have what the are you