Name: Bill Burr - Driving At Night / Wedgies
Uploaded: 2016-01-22T22:04:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Driving At Night / Wedgies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Driving At Night / Wedgies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-22. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in on you
how are you
how's your week going oh don't worry it's almost over it's thursday right don't
you get paid on
thursday back in the day you did you get that fucking check right that little
piece of paper
with the numbers on it then you go down to the bank you're fucking you're right
on the back you
stick at the machine and then the numbers say you got this number right it's
just a bunch of numbers
that's all it is that's all it comes down to um i'm actually i'm in a great
mood i got a great night's
sleep last night uh went out and visited some friends of mine and drove home
about 80 miles an
hour 85 sometimes 90 oh i was cruising and even when you know they fix the
highways at night
you know which totally makes sense you can't do it during the day but you
always get mad at night
you're like jesus fucking christ even if there isn't traffic they gotta invent
a traffic jam
right right you get all fucking mad because they're fixing a highway and fuck
at 1 30 in the morning
when you should be in bed right when the fuck else are they going to do it that's
what i just kept
telling myself as i was getting mad you know i'd be cruising along this is
fucking great this is great
look at this flying down the fucking highway 90 fucking miles an hour you
should be able to do this
all the time 24 7 get the population down where whenever i fucking want i can
jump on the highway
yeah be there in five minutes so wow right over right and then all of a sudden
you come over the hill
and you see that arrow and then you see the brake lights and you just go oh you
fucking assholes
you know i had acdc cranking because i'm a middle-aged not even middle-aged i'm
47 times
two is fucking 94 who's kidding who you guys think all red face is gonna make
95
um i'm an old fuck i'm an old white guy who likes facebook and i'm listening to
acdc and i'm rocking out
in my hybrid oh yeah that's what i'm doing i'm doing everything i'm wearing
those mervyn shoes
one of those fucking awful shoes that people a little bit older than me wear
and they wear them
with no socks and dad jeans those slip-on fucking shoes that i think were cool
for like two weeks in
like 1993 they're mervyn's right melvin's what's a million a melvin somebody
fucking gives you a wedgie
um who the fuck ever thought to do that you realize how funny that is
i guess they were nobody thought to do it until there was pants and then once
there was pants
somebody's just like god damn these things are riding up on me and then it just
rode up on the
wrong sadistic guy's ass and he was like you know what what if i did that a lot
quicker to somebody
else a lot harder on purpose premeditated riding up with the jeans and when he
heard the scream of
uncomfortableness it warmed his heart and then some other sadistic fuck saw it
or maybe just some
fucking uh you know like joke thieves except like a fucking bully like thief
what if bullies do that
like they see a bully bullying somebody else and be like you know i'm gonna you
know i'm gonna do
something like that let me do my version of that then the bully calls them out
on twitter then there's
a big dust up right then they got to go on a bully podcast and clear their name
anyways um who knows who knows in this day and age
of non-controversies becoming controversies who knows what could happen um oh
man this lady fucking
cut me off when i was driving and just the fucking thoughts i had and everyone
that you have like
i can't do that i'd go to jail i can't do that i'd put her eye out you know i
was thinking about
pulling up next to her if i had a paint gun and her sticking the wind her face
out the window to
give me the finger like like they all do and just fucking blasting her right in
the face and i
immediately i was thinking about her eyes so that's where the paintball went
and put her eye out and i
go no no no back the fantasy up okay take it down a notch right in the middle
of her forehead hit her
right in the forehead and watch the botox shoot out on either side nah but then
you know people behind
me would take down my plate and i just was sitting at the red light behind her
all of these fantasies
of the shit i wanted to do follow her find out where she fucking works slash
all of her tires and
then take the knife stick it right into the headrest of her driver's side seat
you know with something
fucking written in newspaper writing so you know when you take the fucking
letters from the newspaper
so it looks totally even more creepy and i was like bill why would you do that
there's going to be
cameras in the parking lot you can't do that and then the light turned green
and she made a right
and i kept going straight and i just never thought about her again until right
now
and with that that is the uh you guys have any yummy here some uh why don't you
write those in
the murderous fantasies that you have when somebody cuts you off in traffic all
the
that you think about doing but you don't do because that's the difference
between
you and a psycho all you do is think it but you don't you don't carry it out
you know well at least i hope you do or else i probably just got put on some
sort of watch list
you know no gives a i'd love to be put on a watch list and i would love to be
watching
them watch me and see how long they could watch me before they nodded off
is he watching another hockey game oh my god this is the worst assignment ever
jesus christ