Name: Bill Burr Reads Bible Verses
Uploaded: 2016-01-25T11:48:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Reads Bible Verses' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Reads Bible Verses' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-25. Transcript available.

Hey, how about I end the podcast with what I promised to do last week, which is
I was going to start reading segments from the Bible.
Now, granted, I don't own a Bible.
All right, let's start with John 316, because I'm a sports fan.
John 316.
He said it unto you with.
All right, John 316 for God so loved the world that he gave his only his one
and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, perish, but have
eternal life.
Well, that's straightforward.
He let his kid die.
So as long as you believe that that happened, you will not die.
You will have eternal life.
You will live forever.
Think about that.
Forever.
You know, you ever been at the DMV?
Just imagine that, except it never ends.
Right.
What the fuck would you do forever?
There's no way that that's fucking true.
You know, movies don't go on forever.
Planets don't go on forever.
Or livable planets don't go on forever.
Oh, fuck this.
This is why I don't read the Bible.
I don't fucking get it.
Let's, let's, let's, let's, uh, let's just look up Bible passages.
B-I-B-L-E.
It'd be funny if this actually got me back to going to church.
I still love going to church.
You know what I mean?
I still like going.
You know?
Keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us and is risen from the dead.
All right.
Encouraging Bible verses.
Hope Bible verses.
Bible verses by friendships.
Bible verses.
Let's give hope.
Encouraging.
Well, where the fuck is it?
Ah, I just want to open it like the phone book.
The Bible.
I'm going to look up the Bible, please.
Read the Bible.
W-W-W-W, a free Bible on your phone.
I don't want it.
I want it on my fucking screen.
I want a hamburger.
No, a cheeseburger.
Official Kim James Bible.
Commit thy way unto the Lord.
Trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.
Bring what?
Commit thy way unto the Lord.
All right.
So walk in the general direction of the Lord.
Trust also in him.
Well, if I'm walking towards him, aren't I?
Isn't that trusting him?
What do you think I'm creeping up on him?
Hey, man.
Just making sure everything's cool.
I'm walking your way.
But, you know, just wave your white flag.
Don't open a trap door when I get there, dude.
And he shall bring it to pass.
Genesis.
Oh, I remember reading this.
It, like, makes sense for, like, three fucking sentences,
and then you're just like, what?
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form and void,
and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
Period.
The deep what?
And the spirit of God moved upon,
that's like when they go, you know,
they got to eat up some clock.
Darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
I thought there wasn't any.
I thought there wasn't any water.
There wasn't anything.
How was there water for his face to be on?
And God said, let there be light.
And there was light.
Let there be sound!
There was sound.
Is this Bon Scott?
God said, let there be light.
And there was light.
Well, what was he doing before that?
He was just sitting in the darkness?
All by himself?
Just one day, he's laying there going,
I'm going to make some shit.
And God saw the light.
That it was good.
And God divided the light from the darkness.
God called the light.
It's like Cam Newton.
Everything's about the same guy.
I'll tell you right now.
Nobody's having more fun than God making earth.
He's like a kid in a candy store that doesn't exist.
And kids don't exist because he hasn't made it yet.
Ah, fuck this Genesis.
Let's look up Job.
Let's see what old Job had to say.
Where the fuck is he?
Well, let's read Titus.
That's the name of a comic I know.
How about that?
All right.
Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ.
According to the faith of God's elect
and the acknowledging of the truth,
which is after godliness.
I feel like somebody's trying to sell me a car.
That was all one sentence.
In hope of eternal life,
which God that cannot lie promised before the world began.
Dude, this is like God called everything.
You know, before you're even born and all that.
But hath in due times manifested his word.
You know what?
I thought this would be a funny bit.
This is just fucking annoying.
But hath in due times manifested his word through preaching,
which is committed unto me according to the commandment of God our Savior.
It just goes in circles.
To Titus, my own son after the common faith.
He had another kid.
He had Jesus.
Then he had Titus.
Grace, mercy, and peace.
Who were they?
Was Grace?
Grace, was she another virgin?
How many times was he going to use this virgin thing?
He banged him.
Right?
He had Jesus with Mary.
And then Grace was his fucking side piece.
And he had Titus.
Right?
For this cause left I thee in Crete, that thou shouldest set in order the
things that are wanting and orders elders in every city as I appointed thee.
If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children, not
accused of riot or unruly.
It's not a sentence.
Oh, maybe it was back then.
You know what?
If I get judged someday, you know, and God's standing there and being like, I
just be like, dude, you know, I tried to get through the book.
I don't know what to tell you.
As far as I can think, it's a bunch of fragments.
All right?
They're not complete thoughts.
You know, you can't write.
Just because you put a period at the end of it doesn't make it a sentence.
Right?
Right?