Name: Bill Burr - Snake Bites
Uploaded: 2016-01-29T15:57:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Snake Bites' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Snake Bites' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

so anybody watch uh 60 minutes this past week they did a um they did this
feature the feature
on mountain lions and now california is the only state that has mountain lions
just walking around i i'm gonna fuck this up in in a park i guess maybe the
size of like
griffith park or runyon canyon or or whatever those ones are out and uh out in
the valley
i guess they have these fucking things and um so anyways i was watching it
because a few of the
places is where i hike with my dog and this thing has intermittently this this
this group of fucking
mountain lions has been around there but fortunately they they try to avoid you
i guess um at least
during the day if they're not fucking hungry but they showed this fucking uh
these people this
mountain lion right okay they were having some work done so they had somebody
going underneath the house
into the crawl space of their house and they were right up against this park
and the guy went down
there and he immediately came back up and he was fucking like white as a ghost
and they were like uh
don that is you know fucking white people trying to speak spanish right
oh um is it french i don't know um
and the guy comes out of the fucking hole and was like yeah man i fucking uh
there's a mountain lion down there i just came faced and i get out of here are
you sure
i just ah and they will he's like yeah it's fucking down there and and so
anyways they interviewed this
fucking la couple and they are the quintessential fucking la couple you know
what i mean he looks
like the leading man of a b movie right she's got like bleach blonde hair she's
wearing fuck me pumps
she's on 60 minutes wearing fuck me pumps it's fucking hilarious walking around
done up to the nines
and um i actually uh it was pretty cool i was trying to figure out where the
house was i google
mapped it and i think i was able to find it but um how fuck this state is so
fucking insane
with the droughts the fires the rattlesnakes the coyotes the mountain lions
you know and everybody's in this place is so phony and so plastic well you know
it can get uh
that can all go away pretty damn quick with the wildlife
it's sort of like a fucking australia light like super light you know what i
mean
as i was throwing that out there i just heard everybody down there off oh give
me a fucking
brain i'm flipping out about how dangerous they're fucking you know how
dangerous australia is let me
tell you something right now there's no fucking snakes in sydney australia all
right there's all that
shit's in the middle of their fucking country every there's some at the zoo
right every once in a while
you'll see somebody you know goes to pick up a snake thinking it's a garden
snake he gets fucking bit and
then goes jogging and it races through his veins and he fucking dies yes that
does happen but you know
people don't you know what let's let's actually let's look up some stats here
let's go to the stats here
because i don't think you're going to hear enough stats between now and the
super bowl
you know as they as they sell the game the upstart new talent cam newton with
his whole career
ahead of him coming up against the wally that's what peyton manek who went to
germany and god knows what
happened but he's not on the patriots so espn's not gonna cover it um i'm not i
don't even think
he did anything but you know but the accusation was out there i mean it came
from al jazeera i mean
who knows more about nfl football than al jazeera
al jazeera all right what the fuck was i looking up all right snake bite deaths
australia comes right up this is all touristy shit like am i gonna die if i go
down there
snake bite deaths 2015 list of fatal snake bites in australia gotta love the
internet
i'm not saying the information is right but they always have an answer
all right snake bite the eastern brown snake is responsible for about 60
percent of deaths caused
by snake bite in australia all right here's the numbers the 2010s all right uh
in 2015 there was one
one brown snake or taipan the species is unconfirmed you know why because the
snake left
didn't hang out like yo i did that shit like the little sound it's a snake you
get it i'm sorry
um in 2014 there was two all right that's big bad dangerous fucking australia
let's check out the u.s
when i leave the united states list of fatal snake bites in the u.s all we got
to do is beat one
one ties it and it goes into overtime in the 2010s
oh oh we crushed them one two three four go fuck yourself australia paula harrow
how farce 39 year
old female a green mojave rattlesnake russell e davis 39 jesus 39 was an
unlucky year timber rattlesnake
you want to hear the story dave was sitting around the fire at his family's
camp when he was bitten by a
rattlesnake jesus christ and the balls right in front of his whole family he
was taken to the hospital
and from there airlifted to the pittsburgh area hospital while on route in the
helicopter davis
suffered a cardiac arrest ah jesus grant thompson 18 male a cobra
who the fuck has a cobra you get hit by a car wait thompson was found unresponsible
in his car
in north austin lowe's in north austin at a lowe's store parking lot how the
fuck do you get by a
a monocled cobra oh it's got the one fucking glass on it too one little eye
grass the glass
like it was evil like it's a james bond villain all right it's a cobra species
which is widespread
across the south and southeast asia oh jesus somebody ordered one
a monocle cobra that he was known to own was missing
and was later found dead nearby having been run over by a car
wait a minute i i i'm sorry we got we got to get to the bottom of this fucking
story
so this fucking kid ordered a goddamn cobra
wait a minute
dude when are these people gonna fucking well let me let me let's let's not get
crazy here let's
let's find out what happened to this kid jesus christ grant thompson
grand t-h-o-m
thompson cobra
all right grant thom committed suicide by allowing a cobra
this is the most this can't be true suicide by snake bite question mark is this
click bait
i was going to say this kid looks just like lance bass and it was actually
click bait on the side says
lance bass shows us the most expensive item from his wedding registry
isn't that a little disrespectful to have next to this kid all right so the kid's
sitting here
with the parrot from one of his uh like one of those beretta parrots
police investigate texas teens death after he leaves a cryptic message on
facebook the decks
death of a texas teen who was killed after being bitten by a cobra last tuesday
is being investigated
as a suicide austin police confirm to people is this people magazine yeah they're
in they're into what
people are doing grant thompson was found unresponsible inside his car in a lowe's
parking lot
last week with puncture wounds to his wrist and a snake cage beside him
kwtx reports he was discovered surrounded by a large by a number of animals
including a non-venomous
snake six tarantulas and a frog but his pet cobra was missing this was in his
car
thompson was rushed to blah blah blah where he later died yeah i don't think in
austin they're gonna have
shit for a cobra unless they got a zoo nearby right it was located a lot of
police believe that thompson
committed suicide by allowing the venomous snake to bite him shortly before he
was found tuesday
the teen posted a cryptic message to his facebook page writing i'm sorry
thompson's family owns a pet shot in temple texas he'd worked for the store
most of his life
he could handle tarantulas like they were kittens he loved animals and loved
spreading awareness about
animals in the community nopsopsie was performed thursday but authorities are
waiting for the toxin
what the jesus dude that is hardcore
you ever heard those things there is nothing like the hiss of a reptile and
that reptilian look
like what other look are they going to have in their face how is lance bass
reverse aging
jesus christ
his fucking teeth are like does he even eat anything his teeth are like brand
new like out of the box
um all right i think it's time to wrap this up wrap it up i'll take it
wait a minute where the fuck am i here
where's the rest of this shit ah jesus christ bill what are you doing all right
that's not it is this it that's not it that's the shit about my will
i don't know what this is and i don't know where everything went i give up
oh it anyways that's the end of the podcast jesus christ
my condolences to anybody knew that kid holy you know what are the odds there's
no way he was
covered for that huh and your insurance accidental death accidentally getting
bit by a cobra in the
wrist in the parking lot of a lowe's in austin texas
all right anyways that's the podcast i hope you guys have a great weekend and
uh stay away from the
snakes so you know what australia all right that was deliberate so we can't
count that one
so we we we had three times as many deaths as you did so why don't you tone
down how nuts your state is
or your country whatever it is right island you know it's not that dangerous
you know what it is we we buy into it because of the uh the shrimp on the barbie
guy paul hogan and then
the crocodile hunter you know and when you really think about it how did the
crocodile hunter die
was it one of those snakes that he was constantly with was it any other the
land animals that he was
constantly with it was not he with the stingray and he forgot that those things
always
are armed they always have a shank he got stuck right like a prisoner um has
enough time gone by
that you can actually address the foolishness of that death
like let me go just jump on the back of a stingray
you know and i'm not talking about the corvette people i'm talking about the
actual fish
where'd you jump for a stingray you gotta watch that tail or it'll stab you in
the heart
you swim to the surface and pull it out
um sorry anyways that's that's the podcast for this thursday afternoon have a
wonderful weekend you cunts
uh my condolences to that kid in the lowest parking lot into the crocodile
hunter and even a paul hogan
you know i don't know what he's up to i hope he's got a new hat though you know
nice new fresh hat