Name: Bill Burr - Bill Missed The Patrice Benefit / Driving A New Car
Uploaded: 2016-01-29T16:09:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Missed The Patrice Benefit / Driving A New Car' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Missed The Patrice Benefit / Driving A New Car' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-01-29. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? Let me do that like I'm falling off a cliff, and I woke up
this morning, I had the dumbest song in my head, and I can't get it out.
And now I'm going to sing it to you, so it will be stuck in your head. It's a
very vengeful thing for me to do. It's something that, you know, pieces of shit
guys do. You know, if I'm going down, I'm taking you down with me. You know,
those kinds of pieces of shit. You know, they do that. The ladies, the ladies
like to dabble in that. Well, fuck you. This isn't a relationship. At least I'm
getting some of your t-shirts, right? They're going to get something from it.
Well, if this song is going to be stuck in my head, I'm sorry to say that it's
going to be stuck in yours head, too. All right? And I have given you a good, I've
been talking about this for a good 18 seconds.
That's plenty of time, even if you're driving in the car to hit pause, and you're
choosing not to. Why do you do this to yourself?
Why don't you just choose the road that's going to bring you true happiness? Is
it because you grew up and you watched people being abused? And you felt like
you didn't have a choice in life that this is the way it was?
You know what? That last 10 seconds is probably going to be worse than this
song, but here it is.
I hold out my hand and I touch love.
It's something, it's something.
I don't know who sings that song.
I don't think I've ever gotten past those first two lines of that song.
It always comes on.
Session presents love songs from the 70s.
I don't think I've ever gotten this one when I need a love.
And don't it make my brown eyes blue?
Right?
And you say, look at this fucking horse shit.
And you start thinking about your childhood.
Next thing you know, you're on the phone with the operator.
Can I get the deluxe edition?
Yeah, I still have a CD player in my car.
Well, because I'm frugal.
It's not because I'm failing.
And I resent you saying that.
Of course, I still want the CDs.
Speaking of my old car, my car, I've had it since October of 2007.
It's a 2008.
Oh, it was a brand new.
It had fucking stars in its eyes, right?
Just stepped off the bus here in Hollywood with a piece of straw between its
teeth like Axl Rose in the Guns N' Roses video.
Welcome to the jungle.
And now look at it.
Oh, this thing.
It looks like somebody attacked it with a fucking can opener, right?
It did as of the other day.
My wife was out of town.
She was in New York City for the great Patrice O'Neill benefit.
I want to thank everybody who came out and I want to thank everyone who did the
show.
I, unfortunately, was not able to get a fucking flight in time, if you can
believe that.
I actually missed the benefit.
It's fucking brutal.
I had a flight out Saturday morning.
I had a flight out Saturday morning.
Say!
And I believe that when I was on American Airlines and they just gave me a call
and they were like, like, you know, 1-800 number.
And I went, hello.
And they were like, hello, this is American Airlines and for you that flight 2-9-1-3
has been canceled.
You have been relocated.
No, you might want to grab a pen.
You have now been rebooked on flight number 1-7-5-0 out of LAX on Tuesday,
January 26th at 1.15 p.m.
The benefit was on the 26th.
I was supposed to be flying out on the 23rd.
They pushed it three fucking days and I was going to leave 4.15 East Coast time
when the show starts at 7.
So I'm like, well, that's not going to work.
So I call my travel agent, you know, and so she got me a flight on JetBlue, 7.45
a.m.
on Sunday, the 24th.
So I'm like, no worries.
All right.
So I miss a day.
No big deal.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right.
And then I get a call.
I get a call.
Like the night before, I'm all packed.
I got my shit right next to the door.
And there's like, this is a recording from JetBlue.
You might want to have a pen and a piece of paper.
Right.
And then they fucking bumped me to fucking Tuesday.
So I said, fuck these guys.
I called my travel agent again.
Now I'm on Virgin.
All right.
I don't know why they call it Virgin Airlines.
And then it looks so jizzy in that fucking thing.
It's like if the W Hotel was a plane, you know, with the fucking aquarium
lighting.
That just says no one wants to see a good look of their face in a mirror after
they do what
they do in here.
Right.
So they booked me on that fucking thing.
And they're like, well, the time we can get you out is right when the New
England Patriots
game starts.
And I'm like, fuck, they're like, all right, do you got TV?
Yeah, fuck it.
Put me on it.
Right.
And then that one got canceled.
So at that point, I deduced if I'm using the word properly, that.
That the fucking every every poor bastard from Saturday and Sunday, now that
those flights
had all been canceled, we're now eating up all the Monday and Tuesday ones.
So I had my travel agent go after another flight.
And then meanwhile, I called my manager who knows all these big guys.
And I said, can you get me a replacement in case I'm not going to be able to
get in?
Long story short, I wasn't able to get in in time.
We got a replacement.
And I wish I could have been there because Rich Voss, who crushed it as a host
once again
this year.
And he said, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Unfortunately, Bill Burr can't be here.
And he's like, oh, what the fuck?
Where is the red cunt?
Right.
And he said, that's the bad news.
He said, the good news is Louis C.K.
And Louis C.K.
walked out and they went fucking absolutely mental.
And, you know, I was replaced one balding redhead with another balding redhead
with more
credits.
So nobody missed me.
And I guess he fucking murdered it.
And then all he had to do was 15 because he's such a great guy.
Did like 25 and just fucking destroyed.
And everybody had a great time.
And somebody sent me a picture of of everybody in the end coming out.
Al Delbeni flew in all the way from Sydney, Australia.
That's another reason why I didn't want to reschedule because this guy flew in
from the
other side of the fucking world.
And who else was there?
Rachel Feinstein, Greer Barnes, who absolutely murdered, you know, one of the
greatest who
ever did it.
Greer Barnes.
Jim Norton.
I don't have it in front of me.
I wasn't there, too.
So I know I'm going to end up forgetting somebody.
But anyways, everybody God freak did it.
Everybody fucking killed.
And they had a great time.
So anyway, so I was out here and I was supposed to be in New York from Saturday
until Wednesday.
So nobody knew that I was out here, you know, so I was just like, well, fuck it.
I'm not telling anybody I'm here.
And I just started handling a bunch of shit that I've been putting off for
months, if not years.
I did everything from get my last will together.
You know, when I die or whatever, make sure that everything goes to the people
it needs to go to.
So there's no fighting, hopefully.
Which is actually, it's really morbid, but it's also fucking kind of cool.
It's like, yeah, fucking you take this and you take that and I'm out of here.
Good luck to you.
It's all I had a great time.
You had a great ass.
I rolled change that we had in jars.
I handled that and I dropped my fucking Prius off.
And I had all the fucking dents repaired.
You should say it looks brand fucking new.
There's a couple little ones that they just, they left in there.
They buffed the whole thing up.
I didn't get new bumpers because, you know, you have new bumpers out here.
They last for about three days before somebody just bumps into them.
So I just had them buff those things up and it looks fucking great.
And I'll tell you right now, having a paid off Prius with 80,000 something
miles on it in L.A.
is the greatest fucking car you could ever drive.
It's just, it's the shit and it takes the hits too.
It's like Ben Roethlisberger.
It just fucking shakes them off and it keeps going.
And no matter how bad the gas prices get, I've never paid more than 40 bucks a
gallon.
I don't give a fuck if somebody runs into it.
I can park it wherever I want.
Nobody's going to take it.
It's fucking perfect.
Right?
I bought my wife a nice car.
It's nice.
I can't stand it.
I can't.
You know how I feel like when I'm driving that thing?
Do you guys ever see that fucking hilarious Howard Stern's movie, Private Parts?
Do you remember when he was showing himself when he first became a DJ and like
when he went to put the needle on the record and he scratched and he fucked the
whole thing up?
Remember that noise he was making?
He was going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, that's what I feel like when I
drive that car.
Like I'll be going to the grocery store and I'll just be thinking like, God
damn it, I need to go in there and buy some fucking hamburger.
But, you know, if I don't see a bunch of wide open spaces, I won't park it in
there because I know somebody's going to come in and just park right next to it
and fucking open their door right to the side of it.
And it's going to make me fucking sick.
You know, it's like when you go to a movie, right?
Like right now is a great time to go see Star Wars, maybe in another fucking
week, right?
Nobody's going to be there.
You go see a matinee, right?
It's during the work week.
You're a comedian.
You got a gig that night.
You say, fuck it, I'm going to go see a matinee showing of Star Wars fucking
six weeks after it came out, right?
You go in there.
There's nobody fucking there.
You got your feet up.
You're having a great time.
It is fucking inevitable that someone's going to walk in during the fucking
trailers.
They're going to sit down right behind you and they're going to talk or munch
popcorn fucking loudly or they're going to be fucking dressed like Chewbacca
and they're going to be getting hair in their mouth.
They're going to be doing that the entire fucking time.
It's the same the same way that is inevitable.
If you park in a parking lot, some cunt, even if there's a bunch of fucking
spaces is going to pull in right next to you and they're going to open their
fucking door right into it, you know?
And that's just regular people forget about out of shape people who they got to,
like, put stress on their hinges of their doors to just make it wide enough.
You know, you know, that's when you know you're fat, when you get like one of
those Formula One fucking steering wheels that just pops out so you can get
your gut out.
You keep lying to yourself.
I'll tell you, they don't make these Ford Broncos as big as they used to.
Yeah, they do.
Yeah, they do.
They most certainly fucking do.
So anyway, speaking of cars, dude, I saw there's somebody up the street, man.
It's got a killer fucking car.
It's one of those Volkswagen.
It's not the Bug.
It's not the Carmen Guillen.
It's the fucking station wagon.
And they put some white walls on it and some fucking fog lights.
They got the luggage rack on it.
It's fucking cool as shit.
I love a station wagon.
I love a station wagon.
Sorry.
I got a little fucking.
Who's that guy?
It's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail.
The love shack.
Hang on.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm singing all these fucking songs.
It's a little old place where you can get together and do what?
What kind of depravity goes on in the love shack?
Did that song even make sense?
They just went out to a shack and they fucked.
I mean, maybe I'm taking it too literally.