Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Bill's "Burning A Guy's Hands" Story
Uploaded: 2016-02-05T14:31:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Bill's "Burning A Guy's Hands" Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Bill's "Burning A Guy's Hands" Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-05. Transcript available.

Do you know how hard it is to be a bartender, though?
Can you imagine switching places with a bartender on a really busy night?
It's like, it looks kind of awful.
I worked in the restaurant industry, yes.
Were you a bartender?
No, but at one point, I worked a grill with one of those tall chef hats.
Yeah, what are you telling me?
And I was the busboy, and I washed dishes all at the same time.
It was like a fucking Carol Burnett sketch.
The restaurant was going out of business, and initially I was just the busboy,
and then a dishwasher, and then they had this guy working the grill.
And I remember he quit or got fired.
He used to just get hammered and dry.
He had a van, and he used to just, like, restaurant people are fucking nuts,
right?
And this guy used to drive this van, and he came in one day and just had, like,
this fucking, like, somebody just took a belt and diagonally smacked him across
his forehead.
And what happened was he was driving home to his parents' house, and he pulled
in.
He was so shit-faced, he either hit one of the cars or the tree,
and when his head went to slam against the windshield, the visor was down a
little bit,
and he, like, bent it.
No, it was one of those old-school, like, metal ones.
Yeah.
He bent it with his head, which was probably traveling a good 25 miles an hour
when he hit it.
And so, anyways, he got fired, so then they had me work the grill.
Flipping burgers, yeah.
Shrimp brochettes and that type of shit.
No, I think I became a dishwasher and the busboy.
What's a shrimp brochette?
It was just, like, a bacon-wrapped shrimp that was seasoned.
And so I would fucking set up the tables, and the lunch rush would come in,
which wasn't much of a rush.
We were going out of business.
But I would be sitting there cooking shit, trying to look suave, like this was
this fancy fucking place,
which it wasn't because I was on the grill.
And I was sort of eyeballing the lunchroom, waiting for people to finish.
And as I saw people finishing up, I would sort of casually duck down where they
couldn't see me,
like, below the grill, like I was, you know, getting more food or something.
And I would pop up, and my apron would be off.
I had the bow tie, the whole busboy thing on underneath the apron, and I'd take
the hat off,
and I would run out there.
Oh, my gosh.
I would bust the table, bring the dishes back, rinse them, set them up,
and then I would run back, flip the fucking burger, and then go back out and
set the table
in case somebody else came out.
Oh, my God.
And then I would go back.
Yeah, I ended up burning a guy's hand.
Because from the stress.
I remember I made a burger.
I've told this story before.
I made this fucking burger.
It was this kid, Jason, this Metallica fan.
I've told this story before, but I already started.
If you're new to the podcast, I'll tell it to you.
See, anyways, I'm working the Sable Cafe in Cary, North Carolina.
It's 1987 going into 88.
All right?
I probably just got done seeing Tesla opening up for, it was either Aerosmith
on the permanent
vacation tour, or it was Def Leppard on the hysteria tour.
Remember Joe Elliott wore those acid watch ripped pants the entire tour and
through all of the
videos?
You know?
He went Jim Morrison.
When Jim Morrison wore the same leather pants, he wore the same acid washed
ripped
fucking jeans, you know?
And I'll tell you this right now.
The man knows how to pack.
All right.
Plowing ahead.
By the way, I always heard Jim Florentine really knows how to pack.
Dropping his name twice in this podcast.
I always heard he's one of those guys, goes away for three weeks and he'll show
up with
like a fucking, a knapsack and like a cheese sandwich and a brown paper bag and
he's just
fucking good.
I'd like to be more like that.
There, I can admit that.
I'm old enough now to say I'd like to be more like Jim Florentine.
Anyway, so I'm working the Sable Cafe.
So, how it works is I'm glassed in, right?
And right behind me is that little window and behind the window is the kitchen,
right?
And there's the line.
So, this order comes in.
They're like, you know, this guy Jason's like, order up for a burger, right?
So, I'm like, all right, one burger coming up, you know?
So, I'm supposed to look at the order.
And if there's a lot of shit on the line, you know, if they got basically a
bunch of entrees
to make, I hold off on the burger so we can time it all out so it's all ready.
I wasn't thinking because I'm bussing tables and washing dishes while not
washing my hand.
Total health code violation, right?
I shouldn't have said that now that I said the name of the restaurant, but it's
all gone anyways.
So, I just start making this burger.
So, you know, because I'm watching the tables, like I got to finish this burger
because I
got to go bust that fucking table and throw some dishes into the fucking
dishwasher.
By the way, I also mop the whole fucking oyster bar and clean out both
bathrooms before I
fucking start.
Brutal, right?
And so, I just start making the burger.
I put it on a plate and I'm like, Jason, burger up!
And he turns around and looks at me and he's got his heavy metal hair shoved up
into his
chef hat.
And he was one of those guys that grew a mustache before he could grow one.
And he just looks at me.
He's like, dude, what the fuck?
I got like seven entrees here.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.
Well, so just fucking put it on the grill to put it to the side of the grill.
So, I grabbed it with tongs.
It was a glass plate.
And I just set it on the, on basically on the grill, but underneath the burner
that was
off, you know, but just basically, you know, it's a mesquite grill.
So, you know, it's hot because the one, the burner two, three over is hot, you
know, and
it's all the same piece of metal.
So, it's basically hot, but not piping hot.
Okay.
But it's still fucking pretty hot.
So, I go out and I bust a fucking table, right?
And I wash some dishes and I come in and all of a sudden I got all these other
orders for
chicken sandwiches and brochettes and I leave the burger there.
I'm not even fucking thinking.
So, Jason finally finishes the fucking entrees and he looks, he goes, he just
goes, Burr,
what's up with that burger?
And I just grabbed it with the tongs and he has both his hands out to receive
this thing.
And I just set it right down on his hands and he just goes, and fucking spun
around and
like basically threw it down on the, on the, on like the wood fucking shelf
that he had
there and, and was immediately not in the window.
So, the whole fucking like dining room heard this muffled scream and looked my,
just, and
then looked my way.
And by the time they looked, I was just standing there and I tried to keep a
straight face.
I fucking, I mean, I didn't really burn it bad.
He just made this face before he yelled.
It was like his brain was registering what the fuck was happening.
And with his fucking hair pushed up in his hat and that stupid mustache that
really wasn't
a mustache dude.
I fucking ducked down and for like seven straight minutes was like crying,
laughing.
I was laughing so hard.
I remember he wasn't even mad at me because he was trying to be mad, but I was
laughing
so hard.
He started laughing and, uh, you know, then I had to run out and go bust all
that stuff.
So yeah.
Hey, how about a pat in the back for myself for actually remembering to finish
that story?