Name: Bill Burr - Visit Winter
Uploaded: 2016-02-23T15:40:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Visit Winter' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Visit Winter' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-23. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February 22nd, 2016.
What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going? Happy Monday to each and every one of you.
I was going to say to every one of you, then I decided to throw an each, so
that's why the each sounded weird there.
Just to let you know, it's another beautiful day out here in Los Angeles.
Getting ready to go out to Foxwoods this weekend, right?
Yeah, Friday I'll be in New York City, and then say in Sunday I'm going to be
at Foxwoods, and it's going to be, hopefully it's going to be a good time.
I'm going to do a bunch of stand-up this week so I'm not rusty.
Old freckles can't be walking in there. Rusty!
And definitely looking forward to getting back there, although I heard it's
fucking freezing.
But whatever, you know, I can visit winter.
I'm a big fucking Southern California softy now.
I get there, my teeth chattering when it gets in the 40s.
It's actually not true, and that's shit too, where they go, oh, your blood thins
out.
You know, your blood thins out.
Then you go back, you can't handle the cold.
It's like, no, that's not what happens.
You have access to information in a beautiful life that you could be living
still within the parameters of this great country.
You know, all you people back there shoveling that wet snow, I'm just letting
you, you don't have to do it.
You know, I took my dog out this morning, ba-do-ba-do-do, you know what I had
on?
I had on a windbreaker!
Just walking down the street.
I could sit on my back porch in the sun right now, okay, and burn another
couple of cancer cars and freckles into the top of my head while I had a little
bit of cornflakes.
You know, sitting out there like that douche in the old Grape Nut commercials.
There's always some guy, right?
He'd come out.
It was like he was a man's man, but a pretty boy.
You know, like Tom Brady, except he couldn't throw a football.
That guy, right?
And he'd come out with the impossibly white robe.
Brand new white robe.
They even bleached it, right?
The whitest shit ever.
And he, you know, he's got a little fucking bowl of Grape Nuts.
Always had some fruit in there, because he had that kind of time.
This guy was so successful, he had the time to cut up fruit into his fucking
Grape Nuts, and he'd go out on his back porch and just chill.
I remember as a little boy, as a little orange-headed fucking freckled pussy, I
remember watching that just going like,
that guy's living a life.
Look at him.
Look at how white that robe is.
He's got fruit in his fucking Grape Nuts.
This guy's crushing it.
Who's he fucking?
Come on, I want to see the rest of his life.
Let me see his lady!
And that was the genius of that commercial.
They never showed his bra.
I don't think they did.
Maybe she came out afterwards.
You know, I don't think so.
But that's the genius of it.
It left you wanting more.
And you started thinking about his life, and you started thinking, you know
what?
You know, if I start eating Grape Nuts, maybe I'll have an impossibly white
robe, and I'll come out, and I'll actually have pigment in my skin.
You know, nice full head of hair, and I'll walk out on my deck barefoot, you
know?
Looking like I got all the money in the world.
I got all the answers, confidence, hell, and I even have time to cut up fruit
in my cereal.
I want that life.
You know, here it is years later.
To this day, you know?
I'm still eating Grape Nuts.
Sure, I never got the pigment.
Yeah, I lost the hair.
You know?
I had some structural damage to my house, you know?
But I have time to cut up some fruit, man!
It's my life!
Um, sorry.
Anyways.
Uh, yeah, so your blood doesn't thin out.
It doesn't thin out.
You just know what it's like to experience an 85-degree day in fucking February.
And then you go back, you're just like, what the?
You know what it's like?
It's like, you ever see a rich person have to stand in line?
It's the combination of frustration and confusion.
It's more confusion than frustration.
It's more like, wait, I don't wait.
I got money.
Like, here, who wants this?
Who do I give this to so I can go around this?
I don't want to be with these animals.
These are the people that make my dreams come true.
They show up at my factory.
All right?
They put the fucking, the nut and bolt in the widget.
That I bought off of somebody else.
They came in with the design.
They didn't have any money.
I made them sign a piece of paper where I owned the patent to their idea.
I go around all this.
Right?
Rich guy thoughts.
And then there's just that confusion.
It's like, why am I, I don't do this anymore.
That's what West Coast people who've lived on the East Coast, then when they go
back East,
you know, when we parrot troop into fucking winter, that's what we think.
They're like, I don't do this anymore.
These chap-faced fucking animals back here.
I'm not fucking doing this.
Shoveling wet snow, stretching out your back, you know.
All excited because you got a new snowblower, you know.
That's your winner.
That's for you.
I go around that, man.
I don't do that shit.
I'm out of my back porch.
You know, bathrobe beats some great nuts.
That's how I'm doing it.
Dude, my fucking dog is laying on his bed right now, okay?
It's like, from the neck down, it's on the bed.
And then, like, its head is hanging off of the bed onto the hardwood floor.
I mean, it looks literally like it got hit by a tranquilizer.
All right?
And you know what I did with the dog today?
This is why she's so exhausted after at least 11 hours sleep last night.
The fucking thing goes to bed at, like, 7 at night.
It's hilarious.
Like, whenever I'm watching the game and I'm just sitting there, she's, like,
over in the corner, just curled up in a ball, sound asleep, okay?
Which is why now, I can't get her off this clock here.
She keeps, I don't know how to keep her up, you know, because she keeps waking
me up at, like, 5.30, quarter to 6 in the morning.
It's driving me nuts.
So, anyways, so now, after 11 hours of sleeping, all I did was, I took it
around the block.
That's it.
She looks like she ran a marathon.
I don't fucking know.
I don't understand why they're so goddamn sleepy all the time.
I've never, I mean, I've had dogs my whole life.
I've never seen a dog sleep the way this fucking thing sleeps.
Then it gets up at 5.30 in the morning like a goddamn drill sergeant.
The only thing it's missing is, you know, remember in Full Metal Jacket when
the guy came walking in and he was beating the billy club against the empty
trash can?
That's basically what she does to me every morning, except it's way more
adorable.
I'll be, like, sound asleep, and then I'm woken up to a cold nose doing that
fucking psycho way they sniff it.
Does that shit.
It's fucking her paintbrush tongue.
I'm like, that's how I wake up every morning.
I'm one of those people, once you wake me up, it's fucking over, all right?
Just to let you know, in case you're ever sleeping next to me, you know.
Keep it quiet.