Name: Bill Burr - Gay Neighborhoods
Uploaded: 2016-02-26T18:42:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gay Neighborhoods' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Gay Neighborhoods' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-02-26. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I
can't yell it. I am in New York City right now and it's late. I forgot, you
know, today was Thursday and I had to do the podcast so I apologize for it
being late. I don't know. I wasn't thinking, what the fuck do you want from me?
And all of a sudden I landed and I got a bunch of tweets from people going,
dude, I thought you were going to check in on me. I was like, oh, I'm letting
people down. I'm letting you down. So here I am. I'm checking in. So now you're
going to hear it on a Friday. Unless you're some lonely bastard on the West
Coast, you know, still up or some lonely lady.
Extremely gay. And I don't mean it in the way that all the gay people don't
like when you say that neighborhood's gay like it stinks. I mean, like
literally gay. I mean, men attracted to men, you know, there's gay guys up and
down this tripping over each other.
And let me tell you something. Nobody's complaining, honey. Right. So here's
the deal. When gays move into your neighborhood, there's three stereotypes that
everybody says, you know, when gay people move into the neighborhood, these are
the three things everybody says. Right.
They say, number one. All right. What do they say? They say the neighborhood's
going to become safer.
Right. Number two, they say property values are going to go up. And number
three, they say there's going to be all these great new fucking restaurants and
holy shit, the cuisine's going to be fucking unbelievable.
Thank God the gay showed up. Now this neighborhood can fucking, you know, live
up to its potential.
Well, they showed up definitely got safer, definitely less shady. All right.
So check on the first one. Stereotype number two, the fuck did I say it was the
property value would go up?
Yeah, it did. But I miss New York. It goes up everywhere. But you know what?
You know what? It's an election year.
I don't want to derail the podcast campaign. I'll give you credit on that one,
gay people.
It got safer and the property values went up.
And then lastly, all this great cuisine was going to come here. And you know
what? It still hasn't showed up.
The food in my neighborhood absolutely fucking sucks. And I am so sick of it.
OK, God damn it. I was told when these gays showed up that the fucking food was
going to get better.
And I think it not only has it not gotten better, it's actually taken a nosedive.
I just went out and got a burrito, right?
What kind of asshole leaves Los Angeles and then tries to get a burrito in New
York?
You're listening to him. This asshole. All right. The burrito was fine.
You know, chicken burrito, whatever. It's funny.
You know, I looked at the menu. It was all this fucking shit.
I just looked at the waiter. I felt like I disappointed him.
I was like, can I just get some chips and with guacamole salsa and like a just
like a chicken burrito.
And I just saw it in his eyes like, oh, you want white people, Mexican food?
And I was like, exactly. I am as white as it gets and I will have my Mexican
food as white as I am, please.
Right. And before, you know, Mexican people write in and tell me that's not
real Mexican food.
I understand. I get it. All right. Whatever. That's what the fuck I want.
Here's my question. How do you have all these gay people walking up down the
street?
You can't even make decent guacamole. How the fuck does that happen?
You know, who do I blame in this?
Are gay people slipping?
Is it because these are the millennial gays and they're just emoji in each
other?
You know, I don't know what's going on.
I'm blaming the gays. I'm blaming you guys on this one.
All right. Whatever pressure used to put on a fucking neighborhood.
You're not doing it anymore. Or what? You decided not to do it in my
neighborhood.
I was so fucking, you know, the anticipation.
Of once you guys descended on this one straight shady fucking neighborhood, you
know,
and the rainbow flags came out and all this shit.
When the fuck is the food truck getting here?
That's what I want to know.
Fucking pizza sucks.
The fucking guacamole sucks.
The Middle Eastern food sucks.
The whole fucking thing just sucks.
Everything is just like, it's.
Do you know how much I drink when I'm in my neighborhood?
It's just so the fucking food will take.
It's all like, just get shit faced and make it fill up that hole in your
stomach.
Maybe that's why all these gay guys are in such great shape around here.
They're cooking at home.
Ah, fuck.
Ah, that pisses me off.
I just had a fucking goddamn chicken burrito and guacamole this late at night.
So at my age, you know, I'll probably have a heart attack around 830 in the
morning.
You know, at least it could have tasted good, right?
Why is that fucking button on?
Now it's off.
I wonder if you guys can hear this shit.
Eh, whatever.
What the fuck are you going to do?
I don't know why the fuck I bring my mixer and all this stuff.
God damn it, I'm in a grumpy mood.
And I was in such a great mood.
There's nothing worse than when you're starving and you go out and you order a
fucking meal, right?
In a neighborhood that's now a gay neighborhood and it sucks.
I mean, I'm talking literally like the two dudes next to me at the end of their
fucking meal, right?
They fucking like kissed each other tenderly.
Can I at least get some fucking decent guacamole?
How much care does it got to be around here for somebody to get a decent burrito?
So I learned something.
That stereotype is not true.
Just because they show up doesn't mean the chefs are going to start fucking
throwing down.
They're dropping the fucking ball.
I'm not going to lie to you.
When the two went to kiss, okay, as open-minded as I am, I have to admit, I was
wearing a baseball cap and I tilted it down so I didn't see their lips meet.
You know, does that make me a bad person?
If you're judging me, can I just tell you that one of them looked like that
fucking scrawny little dude that J-Lo married?
Just imagine that guy kissing Lenny Kravitz.
You know, forgive me.
I didn't want to see it.
You know, maybe that makes me a bad person, but whatever.
I am a work in progress, just like everybody else.
And I will have a decent bowl of fucking guacamole, you sons of bitches.