Name: Bill Burr - Smuggling Drugs / Employment In Afghanistan
Uploaded: 2016-03-04T15:36:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Smuggling Drugs / Employment In Afghanistan' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Smuggling Drugs / Employment In Afghanistan' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-04. Transcript available.

but last night i did look something up because someone was trying to tell me
that some comedian
actually an american comedian went to uh dubai and had a little bit of coke in
their
fucking suitcase that they forgot about got caught with it and got automatic 10
years
um and i'm just like i go what an american comic and they were like yeah yeah
dude american comic
guys fucked nobody had a name no nothing and i looked it up and for the life of
me i can't find
it you know what i did find was that there was this fucking half iranian half
swedish male model
who got busted with some sick amount of coke somehow got a life sentence they
didn't kill him
but they um they did kind of reduce it down to 10 years so he's got 10 years so
he made a rap song
in jail like that remember that guy shine who was with j-lo and puffy i'm going
way back to the 1990s
when people still watch music videos maybe it was the year 2000 right and uh uh
what's his face
used to do uh the tv show oh god what was it called carson daily used to do
that show
the top 40 fucking videos whatever the fuck it was called um during that time
right and remember shine
did the fucking he did he made a song over the rikers island phone this guy did
the same fucking
thing and i got to admit like yeah i don't know i i didn't i didn't have
sympathy for the guy
which is weird it's odd for me i was just you know what it was because he was
acting like pete rose
it was still all about him he was like i didn't have any drugs in my system i
was blah blah it's like
yeah but you were going to distribute the shit you cunt and you didn't give a
fuck what happened to
those people you're trying to make some money you knew what the fine was you
rolled the dice
and you're fucking lost
what kind of an asshole goes anywhere in asia with drugs you're out of your
fucking mind
you're out of your fucking mind you're done it's fucking over they have a zero
tolerance the only
thing they do is make the drugs and ship it over here for some fucking reason
that's what i don't get
if you get caught with drugs over there you're completely fucked but god damn
it they will make
some in a minute right well i guess that's afghanistan afghanistan's kind of
the wild west right
do you think the fact that we've been at war with them for almost a decade and
a half
you'd think that i would fucking know a little something about him i don't
what do i know about those guys well who's the number one band in afghanistan
you know what i mean
i'd love to hear what the fuck they would sing about man that must be amazing
you know just rebelling against your parents how your parents want you to take
over the fucking
opium den or uh what do they call the opiate farm
you know i have a dream i don't want to do that i want to fucking i don't know
what i want to do
i want to uh i want to raise llamas what are your career right you know what i'm
gonna look that up
right now career options in afghanistan you know they gotta have a devry over
there one of those
suny fucking suny delhi fucking schools over you know just one of those schools
they just have to
you know just give people like yeah here you go anybody can get into this we
get it you just want
to say you went to college all right career options this is probably going to
put me on a list
afghanistan i went af and then i lost my
my nerve and then i went a ph and it's not a f g h a n gan is stan
holy shit i spelt it right jobs in afghanistan danger zone jobs
i went to the danger zone got my skin peeled off well i was still alive
building fucking starbucks get in your head son of
sorry all right afghanistan jobs employment all right i have career options afghanistan
for natives this is still going to be u.s based up opportunities trump dangers
for indians in
afghanistan all right well this this got us out of america let's read about
this
somebody decided not to be a tele telemarketer right
for a customer service guy leaves india and goes into afghanistan uh
all right i can't even read this person's name but out of respect i'm going to
spell it
b-a-n-u-c-h-a-n-d-a-r banu chandar last name r-a-j-e-n-d-r-a-n
jesus christ if that was ever on wheel of fortune you bought a vowel and you
said a if you couldn't
solve that but even then if you didn't have any consonants you'd be that idiot
trying to solve it
oh we're sorry can i get a b please pat i'd like to solve it ban a chander ran
a jay drow
yeah shittiest fucking prizes ever on wheel of fortune so he's for 700 i'll
take the brass bed frame
they always had the brass bed frame and like a fucking grandfather clock it's
like what am i
fucking 90 do you got anything from this century
for 40 i'll take the milkmaid for 17 i'll take the butter churner
uh let's see i guess uh what do you have what do i have left seven dollars for
seven dollars i'll take
the teacup set and uh i'll take a polio shot and i'll the rest of it on um gift
certificate thank you
all right kabul afghanistan banner chander jar i ran your channel and indian
from the town of who
all right this is the town he's from usil you still lamp patty and tamil nandu
is it weird that that made me want to get some indian food is there anything
better than garlic naan
i don't know spent a lonely independence day on august 15th at a sikh temple in
kabul
where he had to had taken refuge after his afghan visa expired well how the
fuck do you let that happen mr rander who came to afghanistan on the promise of
a job as a security guard
in an american military base for 800 every month had been swindled out of 150
000 rupees
or 2 300 bucks by his employment agent in india oh i'll tell you it's filthy
you know
after paying the money and waiting here for three months the 28 year old found
out that there was no
job and was left with just enough money for his phone and his cigarette oh my
god
jesus christ
do people in like asia just laugh at american movies like our ideas of what
trouble is
can you imagine that can you imagine somebody just said hey you want a job in
afghanistan and you go
yeah i'll fucking do that i feel like there's a lot of american military right
now nodding their heads
like yeah we know what that's like yeah and you get there and it's not what
they promised absolutely
um you show up you think you're going to be a hero and then they tell you you
got to buy your own
uniform um after paying the money wait there was no fucking job he's got enough
money for phone and
cigarettes wow dude that is just that is next level evil the indian embassy in
kabul said that as of mid
august 70 distressed indians that's the way they put it right like post-traumatic
uh stress syndrome
instead of the classic george carlin bit bit uh shell shocked right who were
similarly similarly
abandoned and were sent back to india oh they sent back oh thank god last year
they were 160.
oh so i see where this evil guy goes he goes well look then we them over and
then they
get freaked out but then they just go to the embassy and then they pay for it
you know
you want paying my taxes these guys will be all right and they justify it right
then they go out
and they buy themselves you know some shiny shoes and a car the afghan seeks
had given many of the
indians refuge in their temple in kabul uh described them as mostly poor folk
who had taken loans and
sold off land to pay commission to fraudulent employment agents they came with
the hope of earning
double the money paid for low skilled jobs in india dude you know when i landed
landed in dubai when i
connected there with no cocaine in my um suitcase do you know that they
somebody told me that you know
there's basically these slave labor camps that total that built dubai
and uh a lot of them were people from india and they get promised yeah you come
over here
you know the the poorest of the poor come over here you're gonna make like nine
zillion dollars you're gonna have a playstation and then when you go back you
know whatever you
can bring your family over here and all that and they show up and the first
thing they do is they
confiscate their passports and these people just be they can't leave and they
just become slaves
and uh the number one cause of death is like suicide you know what i mean
controversy at the oscars
i want i want to play a plumber american troubles
um
fucking unbelievable un-fucking-believable man well i'm glad this person got
back jesus christ like
that's the type of shit you know do you remember that show arrested abroad i
remember back in the day
on the uh the opie and anthony program the tragically now gone opie and anthony
program
one of the great radio shows of all fucking time i remember we were talking
about that and we were watching
that arrested abroad which just made you never want to travel outside of the
united states again or who's
kidding who you know they made it really racial it was just like you're white
stay in the white zone
you can go to england you can go to canada do not go south of san diego or you
are on your own
right but at the end of the day as much as these people were like you know in
jail they always you
know most of them did something extremely fucking stupid where you know they
they went out and bought platform shoes and hauled them out and put a bunch of
fucking
you know heroin in there a couple baggies of coke up their ass and it's just
like you never saw midnight
express if you can find that clip i remember a long time ago we kept riffing on
that that irish guy
would just go you know when he got busted he just you go i just kept thinking
what have i done i mean what
have you done you're fucking you've fucked yourself over you dope
i don't know i don't know how up is your life that like that's your option
you're like that sounds good like i mean thank god i i just out of sheer dumb
fucking luck
landed in the skin i have in the country i mean like i really got i got dealt
you know a
fucking an ace and a 10. i really did i've totally lucked out you know what i
mean somebody ever came
up to me and was just like hey you want to put some heroin in your ass and try
to make it across the
border it's just it's it's an emphatic definite no final answer final answer no
no i'm good i'm fucking good