Name: Bill Burr - The Late Train(Constipation Advice)
Uploaded: 2016-03-04T15:45:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Late Train(Constipation Advice)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Late Train(Constipation Advice)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-04. Transcript available.

oh jeez i didn't tell you this man like um i was traveling a lot and i was i
was eating really
poorly my last trip there uh when i was in uh foxwoods right got to town early
visited
visited a friend of mine who unfortunately was in the hospital but is now out
and um
you know so i was eating like shit that day and then i fucking uh went up to
foxwoods
and i ordered room service and i lied to myself that i was gonna work out
it on sunday when i could have worked out i went to the yukon game with verzi
verzi hooked me up with
the ticket the gentleman that he is and i went there and i ate like shit so uh
you know you combine
eating like shit and then getting on a plane for six hours and not drinking
enough water and then
all of a sudden you know the train's not coming out of the station
so you know one day the train doesn't come and it's like maybe it'll come the
next day it doesn't
come the next day and then the third day uh you know i'm like what the fuck the
train never comes
again then the uh the station dies so uh i start thinking i gotta go to fucking
you know i gotta go to
a pharmacy and get a stool softener right all that shit but then i just got all
paranoid and i was just
like you know something the thing about the corporations is that they don't
want to just
get you they want to get you hooked and they want to have you keep coming back
so i got i really started
thinking about it going like oh wait a minute if i go down and i take this
stuff there'll probably be
something in there in the little pill that tells my digestive tract to just
stand down yeah we don't
need you anymore don't worry we got it all right daddy's home he's going to
take care of everything
and then i'm going to become hooked on these fucking pills and i'm going to be
one of those guys you see
having to eat blueberries every morning for fucking breakfast trying to turn
his system around
not realizing that he's fucking himself up because he went you know fucking
himself over because he uh
he's eating them fucking pills every day right he's going out getting them
fucking pills right
so old freckles uses his brain it's like there's no way that julius caesar
never had a problem taking
a shit and i know that there was no cvs pharmacy for him to go to so i just
looked up natural uh
natural cures and uh i found one that worked for old freckles i know this is
gross but it's a really
important thing i went out okay it's a teaspoon of olive oil and then you
squeeze some lemon in it
you do it with on an empty stomach and you fucking you know you do a shot of it
in the morning
and the only thing i can compare it to as far as how well it worked you guys
ever watch gas monkey
garage and they get some old fucking car and they haven't turned over the
engine in a while
all right so what do they do they take off the fucking the air filter housing
all that shit and
they got that shit they spray into the carburetor they open the butterfly and
they have it wide open
they go all right give it a shot and the guy turns it over you know the fucking
thing starts right up
that's basically what i did you know teaspoon of olive oil and some lemon you
do a shot of that on an
empty stomach i mean you're fucking on good you're all good you're on fucking
grease rails for the rest of
the day
i stand by it i'm bill burr and i fucking uh i stand by this and i approve of
this message