Name: Bill Burr - Open House Hopping
Uploaded: 2016-03-08T14:41:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Open House Hopping' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Open House Hopping' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-08. Transcript available.

So yesterday I was just driving around hanging out with my wife and they got a
bunch of open houses out here
So I can't fuck it. Let's go look at some houses, you know, get some ideas for
our old-ass kitchen
See what a real kitchen looks like, right?
And I got to tell you haven't bought this house and gone through all this shit
that I've gone through
I look at houses entirely different. I'm immediately looking at the windows
Do they have the old-ass original windows?
And I immediately want to go downstairs if there's a crawl space anything I
want to go down there
And i'm smelling for water
And you can't really do that a lot out here because uh, it doesn't rain enough
But I immediately look underneath the fucking house. I look right up. It's
fucking skirt like the home pervert. I am
And i'm immediately looking for all right, let's see. What does the electrical
work look look like?
You know, is it galvanized pipe what kind of shithole, you know
Look at how stuff is put together. Does this look like it had a permit or not?
And um
You know all the sexy shit goes away like we have a pool and i'm just looking
at it going like yeah, that's okay
That looks like a piece of shit to me
That looks like you need to redo the whole floor of that fucking thing
And so you gotta dump out all the fucking water
And evidently you can't fill your pool up with water anymore out here
You have to fly the fucking water in so fuck that pool. I haven't got in the
house yet
You know, well, there's a classic they're saying it's a two-car garage
But it is if you drive if you drive two model t fords
But if you have any sort of modern car, you're not gonna be able to get the oh,
you can get two in there
But nobody can get out of the cars
So I was just a negative nelly and I actually realized that my house isn't as
bad as I thought it was now that I fucking dumped
Every fucking dime that I have into it
um
No, it made me feel good. I was just walking in the kitchen. I'm like, there's
no prep space here
All this disco shit. I don't see any place where I could fucking slice an
english muffin. You know what?
Fuck this kitchen
Fuck the pool
Fuck the kitchen and fuck this galvanized pipe
Oh, oh look at this. Oh wow rugs rugs in every room. Yeah, take your shoes off.
Why is that?
Yeah, because the floors haven't been refinished in fucking 80 years
Fuck these floors. Let's go upstairs. Oh, great. I see this used to be an attic.
Oh, yeah
You calling that an office? Yeah
Yeah, I like how you're showing it during the wintertime because I know what
happens in the summertime
It fucking heats up up here, right?
You can grow a fucking goddamn bullshit bushel of fucking marijuana up here
every fucking three hours
Fuck this office
You want to sign up on our mailing list? No, I don't because you're selling
piece of shit houses and then that that said I walked
And I was done
And of course I upset my wife because all I did was just
Sorry, I accidentally just shut off the fucking recorder. I actually I upset my
wife because you know, she's like I like, you know
I thought we could just have fun. I don't understand why you have to go in the
house and
Be rude to the real estate people
I don't like those people
You know because they don't encourage you to sell your house
you know
Air quote for a fucking profit. So then you can buy back into the same market
and then
Everything you just made on your house. You got to buy you got to spend again
just to get the same fucking house
I actually said that to the guy. I think that that's what made my wife mad
And I go, yeah, the only people making money out here are you in the banks and
the guy's like, well, you know
That's not necessarily true. Yeah, do the math. Tell me how that works
Can we get you on the mailing list