Name: Bill Burr - The Chief / Bill Gates
Uploaded: 2016-03-12T15:18:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Chief / Bill Gates' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Chief / Bill Gates' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-12. Transcript available.

by the way you know i figured out what was causing the train not to leave the
station
i became old billy parfait right i went down to this juice shop and they were
raving about this you know this all-natural yogurt with coconut in it you know
all that
probiotic has probiotics in it this is you know this isn't negative biotics
this is positive pro
this is proactive biotic you have two kinds of bacteria within your intestinal
tract shut the
up i put this stuff in them i couldn't i couldn't for days i just kept eating
it because they're down
at the juice shack there right they kept telling me how healthy it was and
little did little did i know
i was building like a wall you know what's that city there in uh greece with
all it's the whole city's
just a bunch of white walls you know that's what i was building in my stomach
were you built i don't
know it's the first thing i thought of go yourself you know i'd like to see you
not
shit for three days and try to dance around it and keep it funny okay how did i
get in this mood um
anyways hold on one second hold on nancy reagan died everybody
she died and a lot of people were really upset about that you know she was a
great woman i'll
tell you know made her great uh the shape she kept herself in considering her
husband had jelly beans
all over the place the fact that she could just say no to those goddamn things
right she's walking
around there's something about being that skinny though after a while though it's
just like you
live for ever but you just you're like a bird person you know like if she was
my uh grandmother i would
have built like a giant bird cage that i hung from the ceiling i just made i'd
make her go in there and
perch on it you know i'm not opening the door unless you tell me i'm still in
the will nancy
or i guess i would say grandma reagan's gregan um all right this why this this
whole podcast has gone
off the fucking rails i'm too goddamn distracted i'm talking about putting dead
first ladies in bird
cages that's not right is it he's such a weird fella that reagan some people
you talk to he single-handedly
defeated the russians the reality is didn't he come off the fucking bench and
he did he hit the last three
you know the dagger he put the game away i would say you know by tricking them
into thinking that
we were actually going to have shit up in outer space to stop their shit from
coming over here
you know that's the weird thing about trying to bomb somebody from the other
side of the
fucking world if you're too lazy to fly over you got to start you got to shoot
them remember robert
parish's foul shot you remember the rainbow that's how you got to do it you
actually got to send it in
because of the curvature of the earth you got to send it up and over you know
what i mean it's
like when you're sitting on the couch and you got a napkin and you want to
throw it into a barrel but
your office chair is right there you got to go up and over you know they do
that with missiles somebody
actually figured that out sometimes some super fucking intelligent scientist
guy right as opposed
to the really dumb ones that they put in the nuclear programs right bill this
guy had to sit there
and like figure that out you know out of our airspace into the troposphere up
into the stratosphere
however the fuck it goes right out to outer space re-enters the atmosphere
without blowing up
right on the white house nothing but president right they're just sitting there
talking
what a fucking job
you know and there's some other psycho you know they got cameras in space or
some
shit or somebody flying around with that direct tv satellite on the back of his
plane
just following around brezhnev and gorbachev trying to figure out where they're
at
so they always have the exact coordinates that's what it that's the level of
stress
like obama has and all these guys that's why they age like 90 years because
they know the other team
right they go and billy belichick on them you know they got cameras on you
right on the top of your
head wherever you go you know i'd be all paranoid i'd be doing head fakes as i
was walking down the hall to
the oval office right i wouldn't even go in the oval office i'm not going in
there i would have i'd have
a double i'd always be down in the basement you know then years later after i
died you know all my
staff would start coming out talking about me he's a very fearful man for all
the bravado during his
speeches he spent the entire eight years of his presidency in the the well we're
not allowed to
say how far down it goes but let's just say there's one hell of a basement
under that house
um do you even think he lives there there's no way he lives there he just lives
there
you ever seen the white house it's just right there you know he doesn't live
there i bet there's a
fucking you take an elevator that's just like uh remember steve jobs used to
make those
fucking speeches at those nerd fests right they go down there you know he'd
come out in his
fucking jeans and no belt and he just uh look at this look at it look what he
does and all the nerds are
like oh my god oh my god i think that's what then he just fucking leave nobody
knew where he lived
right but why does bill gates have a more reclusive house is the house reclusive
bill does it does the
house make the choice to be introverted whatever he has he has a house no one
can get to
i can't get anywhere near bill gates house right but the white house you can
walk right up to the gate
right you can come right up to it is this going to put me on a list um i bet
what's his face i bet bill
gates has got a goddamn you know you remember that star wars thing that reagan
wanted to put up for
you know the robert parish nuclear warhead rainbow shot from the kremlin right
i bet he's got those for
like drones i bet he hates drones he's all pissed off how dare you send my
technology back at me
i think he's an evil motherfucker and that's why he gives away all that money
you know what i mean
it's weird he's like he's like the sociopath with the heart of gold he's kind
of like dexter
right but if he was like into laptops rather than just cutting up people
but it's only the bad people i was never able to get past that