Name: Bill Burr - Bill Rambles About Saint Patrick
Uploaded: 2016-03-18T13:32:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Rambles About Saint Patrick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Rambles About Saint Patrick' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-18. Transcript available.

Yeah, I had my first cigar in like a fucking month, and it was delish.
It was delicious. It was bad. It was bad.
I fucking went to the cigar shop.
The guy was literally like, where you been?
I was like, hey, you know, I'm down to two a month.
He goes, ah, it's great. It's great.
I fucking went in there.
I just missed it. I missed the smell.
I sound like fucking champ kind.
I miss the way you smell.
And I went in there.
What was hilarious was I went to this place, Hollywood Smoke,
out in Santa Monica.
And as I was driving down Main Street, great, great fucking street out here in
L.A.,
you know, it's St. Paddy's Day, and it was just getting geared up.
It was like right around 6.30, like just the absolute fucking shit show.
That is St. Patrick's Day out here.
And I should say in the United States, absolute shit show.
The fucking light green plastic hats.
Those fuckheads are out, you know.
And then you had the girls, you know, of course, whoring it up.
You got to love that.
I saw these two smoking hot fucking chicks with like the same color, like is
those green
plastic hats, like mini skirts with like thigh highs on.
So I'm like, all right, they're obviously slinging drinks.
Or maybe they're not, you know.
Maybe they really are attention whores because I swear to God, I don't know
what the fuck you'd go out in public wearing something like that for on a night
when people who usually don't drink are going to get even more hammered.
Or I guess it's just amateur night.
And you're going to fucking walk around with something like that.
Well, what's wrong with you?
Jesus Christ, didn't your mother ever talk to you and sit you down and be like,
listen, there's nothing wrong with dressing like a who just do not do it on the
following holidays.
St. Patrick's Day, New Year's, and the 4th of July, okay?
Every other time, Thanksgiving, okay, you want to let the girls out a little
bit.
I don't have a problem.
Just don't sit across to me at the dinner table because you're still my little
girl, all right?
Unless I have some big like floral arrangement and you can, you know, you can
blow your boyfriend at that point.
I'm not going to know, but don't do it because you give your father a heart
attack, right?
Didn't they ever sit you down and tell you that shit?
Well, if they did, they didn't say it to these two.
They were walking down the street.
I mean, it's fucking unreal.
Like, literally like hookers didn't dress like that when I was a kid.
And it got me thinking, like, what the, I always forget what the fuck St.
Patrick's Day is.
So I'm going to Google that right now.
St. Patrick's Day.
Here we go.
All right, we all know it's on March 17th.
Is this the thing where the guy chased the snakes out of the fucking town?
Which just completely seems like a bullshit story to me.
Or is that some other guy with a flute?
Or did that guy?
No, this is the Pied Piper and he got rid of the rats.
That was their problems back then.
It wasn't my phone diet and my fucking internet's too slow.
They literally had fucking reptiles and rodents.
Fucking spreading disease.
That was AIDS back then, you know?
Just a bunch of fucking rats would come to town.
And they'd bite one fucking dude.
And rats, no, too, right?
They'd fucking, they'd fucking bite the studliest guy there.
And he's, of course, fucking tagging every wench in town.
And next thing you know, right?
They're all coughing on their fucking husbands.
And then it was over.
And then, thank God, some guy would come by.
Some guy was probably, you know, never got picked to go on the rape and pillage
tours.
You know, that was like getting picked last in gym class back then, right?
And all of a sudden, he just finds his hidden talent.
He picks up for flute.
And he fucking dances around and everybody follows him out of town.
All the rats do, right?
You know what's funny about that story is they never say once he gets out of
town with the rats, like, then what did he do?
You know?
Fucking throw the flute at him and then run back, double back to town and hope
that their little rat brains can't figure it out.
I mean, they found it once, right?
I don't know.
All right, let's get it.
Okay, St. Patrick's Day is the day of the Festival of Patrick.
Oh, thank you.
Well, that sums it up.
It's a cultural and religious celebration held on the 17th of March.
The traditional death date of St. Patrick, who lived from 385 to 461.
That's a fucking good run for back then, huh?
He really was a saint.
Not smoking, not drinking.
Not messing with the who is.
What's that?
That's 70, let's see, 15 and 61.
Oh, shit.
We all know that's 76 years.
That's like living to 110 now.
And evidently he was the foremost patron saint of Ireland.
This guy was a fucking five-star general here.
St. Patrick's Day was made an official Christian feast day in the early seven.
Well, what the fuck did St. Paddy do?
St. Patrick.
Let's get back to this fucker.
Let's see why he became a saint.
Patrick of Ireland redirects here.
Oh, geez.
Doesn't he look miserable?
Does anybody look happy in a stained glass window?
They always look like they got the fucking weight of the world on them.
What is wrong with my religion?
Geez.
Is there one picture of Jesus smiling, like cracking up, hanging out with the
apostles and somebody farted or something and they just decided to paint him in
that moment?
They just never do it.
He must have had some fun, right?
Well, speaking of who is, didn't he fucking, he laid down with, uh, what the
fuck was her name?
That's a good whore name from back then.
Huh?
Ethel?
All right.
All right.
St. Patrick was a fifth century Romano, Romano, oh, no, come on, Romano,
British Christian missionary and bishop in Ireland, known as the Apostle of
Ireland.
He's the primary patron saint of Ireland.
This all sounds like filibustering right now, like they're trying to kill a
bill.
Along with Saint, oh, who gives a fuck?
He's also said, blah, blah, blah, blah, something equal to apostles.
The date of Patrick's life cannot be fixed with certainty, but on a widespread
interpretation, he was an active, he was active as a missionary in Ireland.
Oh, he spread the disease there.
They celebrate this guy?
He brought that fucking horrific religion to them?
And now look at him.
They're still drinking because of this guy's mission.
During the second half of the fifth century, early medieval tradition credits
him with being the first bishop of something primate of Ireland.
Now he's hanging with an ape.
All right.
I didn't know there was gorillas and fucking, it was probably a chimp, right?
No, it couldn't be a chimp.
That fair skin.
Well, actually, they all got fair skin there.
Maybe that's where you go if you get a sunburn.
The gorilla's like, yeah, fuck that.
I need the heat, man.
You know?
Stupid fucking chimps going up there with that fucking white face like me.
All right.
According to the confessio of Patrick, when he was about 16, he was captured by
Irish pirates.
You mean drunks from his home in Great Britain.
Oh, he's from Britain now.
The fuck is with this guy?
This guy was all over the place.
And taken as a slave to Ireland, looking after animals where he lived, working
on a farm.
They're really ramping this guy up, where he lived for six years before
escaping and returning to his family.
That's pretty amazing.
How the fuck did he do that?
He needed a boat.
People are in incredible shape then.
He probably swam it, right?
You know?
That's probably why he lived so fucking long.
You do that one time.
If you swim from Ireland back to fucking London, wherever the fuck he was from,
I mean, that's basically you've gotten all the cardio that you need to do in
your life out of the way.
The guy was probably fucking shredded until he was like 66.
Then the last 10 years were brutal.
All right.
After becoming a cleric, whatever the fuck that is, that's either an accountant
or something religious.
He returned to – I would click on it, but it's not highlighted, which makes
me feel dumb.
I'm supposed to like automatically know what that means.
He returned to Northern and Western Ireland.
Well, that's a smart move.
You fucking leave the country that enslaved you and then you come back.
Fucking Ian McShane.
In later life, he served as a bishop, but little – Teddy Bass, Mr. Black
Magic – but little is known about the places where he worked.
By the 7th century, he had already come to – nobody knows anything about this
fucking guy.
He served as a bishop, but little is known about the places where he – he was
a fucking bishop.
Hey, he was kind of a bishop somewhere over there.
It's making it seem like he was a cobbler.
By the 7th century, he had already come to be revered as the patron saint of
Ireland.
All right, I don't want to be a cunt on St. Patrick's Day, but don't you think
there's a little gap in the information there?
This is like the story of Jesus where it's like, yeah, he was a little baby and
they brought some gifts over and then he was 33 on a cross.
At some point, he did some carpentry and he banged a horse.
Other than that, right?
There's nothing there.
This fucking guy was a bishop somewhere in western – northern and western
Ireland.
Little is known about that.
And then by the 7th century, he was a patron saint of Ireland.
What did he do?
Name, dating, 2 Patrick's theories, life.
All right, let's get to his life.
At the age of 16, he was captured by – I already read this shit.
Just six years of captivity, he heard a voice – all right, yeah, he went
crazy – telling him that he would soon go home.
Sounds like he was malnourished to me.
And then that his ship was ready.
Fleeing his master – oof, kind of sounds like a Batman-Robin relationship, if
you know what I mean.
I think he was the gimp.
He traveled to a – he traveled to a port 200 miles away.
Traveled? Traveled how?
He took the subway?
You mean he walked?
Where he found a ship and was – and with difficulty persuaded the captain to
take him in.
Yeah, he fucking blew him.
That's about it.
That's the most difficult persuasion, right?
Unless, you know, he was happy to be with his master earlier.
I don't know.
This all sounds like, I don't know, some sort of gay love triangle to me.
After three days sailing, they landed presumably in Britain.
You know what?
I'm glad we drink on this fucking day.
You know, if you're going to be that fucking vague.
This is like how you feel the next day after you went boozing.
What'd you do last night?
I don't know.
I was kind of a drunk in western L.A.
And then the cops came and I fucking – I heard this voice in my head saying
that there was a ship waiting for me.
You know?
Yeah, what do you mean?
You called Uber?
Yeah, basically.
All right.
I apologize for all of that.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody.