Name: Bill Burr - Rich People Not Paying Taxes
Uploaded: 2016-04-12T14:24:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rich People Not Paying Taxes' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rich People Not Paying Taxes' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-12. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - Rich People Not Paying Taxes

Ever since I got back from Canada, oh, Canada, you bunch of freezing cunts, I
just got back from there.
And I kind of realized that when I go on the road with the fellas, we act like
we're on some sort of bachelor party.
I don't know what it is, minus the fucking who is everything else.
We basically, you know, we booze and we smoke cigars and that thing.
And it's just, you know, it takes a lot out of me.
And I got a bunch of shit I got to do, so I kind of need to be clear-headed as
opposed to the usual.
You know, usually when I got nothing going on in my life, I mean, I can fucking,
you know, I can have a few, right?
I can wake up the next morning like, oh, Jesus Christ, I'm going to get some
fucking eggs or something, right?
I can be in that mindset, but as of right now, I can't.
So I have not done anything.
I haven't done shit.
I haven't fucking, I haven't drank, I haven't smoked, I'm eating pretty good.
I'm even laying off the internet porn.
I mean, it's just fucking over.
I actually got this Time magazine that was about internet porn and how it's
like fucking people up, you know?
Especially like kids, you know, when they first, like, just the shit, who's
kidding who?
The shit you can see on the fucking internet.
I can't believe nobody stepped in.
I'm not saying somebody should step in, but, you know, I got to tell you, if
they knew what the fuck the internet was going to be when it was, whenever Al
Gore was inventing it back in the 80s, I never said that.
I said that I was involved in the email chain, whatever the fuck he said.
That fucking guy.
Remember when his campaign was over?
Remember when he was dancing around and all sweaty and all that shit?
He just looked like he was so fucking relieved that it was over.
What a thing to go through, running for president.
I just saw a clip of Hillary Clinton.
I have not been paying attention at all, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck
happened to her?
She looks like Earl fucking Weaver.
She looks like Earl Weaver.
She was doing something, right?
She was standing in some black church, right?
Baptist church, I'm going to assume, you know?
I don't think it was a Jewish synagogue there, whatever the fuck they could,
temple.
She's in this green suit.
She's just, like, yelling, ah, all the shit she was going to do.
That's the only time a politician goes near the black community, is when they're
running.
They fucking, they swing by the church.
They make a whole bunch of promises, and then they get in the fucking limo, and
they go,
let's get the fuck out of here, right?
Fuck out of Dodge.
Then they go over, they do a town meeting, talk to all the lunch pail Louie's,
right?
If there's even those people left in this country, if you fucking make anything,
and they get over there, and they roll up their sleeves.
That's when, you know, they're talking to the working man.
They take off their sport coat, and they roll up their sleeves.
You know, like, they're going to build something, rather than just go out there
and say the exact same bullshit they just said in the Baptist church with more
of a fucking lunch pail swing to it, right?
The whole fucking thing.
It's just gross.
I don't know how anybody sits there and watches that shit, but the latest thing
that I've become fascinated with is I completely leave whatever the fuck I was
just talking about.
I'll come back to it, the clean living thing.
Who wants to listen about clean living?
It's the most boring shit ever, you know?
Anyways, I've become fascinated with how super rich people avoid paying taxes.
It's just fucking fascinating.
It's one of those things, you know, it's like you've got to respect it on a
certain level.
It's the brilliance of it.
And then there's a certain level of balls that that takes because you're
fucking with your freedom.
Anytime you're fucking with taxes, you know what I mean?
Fucking with the government.
Anytime you're doing that, I mean, you know, I don't know what the fuck.
Is that a federal thing?
I guess if you're not paying your federal income tax.
Yeah, Bill, that would probably be a federal crime.
I don't know.
I always say you've got to cross state borders.
Do you have to, like, not pay taxes and then leave your state before it becomes
federal?
I don't know.
I don't know these things.
But anyways, just the balls that it takes and the – I don't know.
I don't like people physically hurting other people, that type of crime.
But when there's something like robbing banks or tax evasion or even a good old-fashioned
fucking scam,
if there's, like, an amazing level of thought behind it, on some level, you've
got to respect it, I think.
You know what I mean?
Like, I remember a long time ago, there was some fucking guy.
He figured out how to rob parking meters.
And they were – allegedly, it was impossible to do.
So this guy figured out how to fucking do it.
It's amazing.
And he did this shit.
This is back in, like, the 80s or some shit.
This guy figured out how to do it.
So it was way, way, way easier to not have everybody breathing down your
fucking throat.
You know, people would be having eggs watching you fucking robbing a parking
meter.
They didn't have a fucking smartphone on them.
They'd just be sitting there going, look at this fucking guy.
That guy just – is that guy robbing a parking meter?
Holy shit.
The fucking guy, that guy just robbed the parking – do you see that?
Anybody see that?
That was it.
That's all that fucking happened.
Rather than some douche sitting there filming you and you're arrested before
you even get home.
Right?
And then the fucking local newscasters, they always got to do some sort of
fucking bad pun.
You know what I mean?
I'll tell you, this guy's life, his freedom is now going to change.
You know how they do that?
Somehow they get away with that in, like, fucking newspapers.
Like, they can have the biggest fucking puns ever and everybody thinks it's
great.
You know?
I don't know.
I can't even think of one right now.
But whatever.
You sit at home and you think about it.
You sit at your fucking cubicle instead of doing your goddamn work.
You think of one.
So anyways, this fucking guy figured out how to do this shit.
And, of course, the parking meter guards were beside themselves.
You know what I mean?
It was like one of those sci-fi movies.
Or like the Titanic movie.
Not even God can sink it.
They were like, not even God can get the fucking quarters out of this meter.
This meter, right?
They were talking all kinds of shit.
So this fucking guy figured out how to do it.
And you're thinking like, all right, whatever, man.
What the fuck are you going to do with that?
Well, dude, there's fucking meters all over the city.
So this guy, anytime he wanted a drink, if he wanted a fucking sandwich, this
guy, he had it perfect.
It was like his own ATM machine before ATM machines.
He'd just walk up, bing, bang, boom.
He had a sack of fucking quarters.
You go down to the bank, you go, yeah, can I get one of some of them rolly
fucking things there?
Right?
Yeah, sure.
They don't give a shit.
Nobody gave a fuck back then.
Nobody was paying attention.
They were trying to pay attention, but not to that type of shit.
So this guy would roll the fucking quarters.
You know?
Rolls enough quarters.
Next thing you know, he gets himself out.
How the fuck would you get all those quarters down to a car dealership?
I have no fucking idea.
Although I talked to some drug dealers about how they fucking, or a guy who
knew drug dealers, let's be honest here, Bill.
Let's not act like that news guy saying that you were in the war and then you
were in a chopper or some shit next to the chopper and you didn't really
fucking see it.
Okay, you took a fucking helicopter tour one time.
You weren't even in Iraq.
Whatever the fuck he said, I don't pay attention to shit.
So anyways, I was talking to this guy and basically how back in the day when
drug dealers were still driving around in flashy cars, because from what I
heard nowadays, they don't even want to attract that level of attention.
How it used to be was anything, any cash deal that was over 10 grand had to be
fucking reported.
So what these drug dealers would do was they would go out and they'd buy a car
worth nine grand for cash and then they'd drive it around for like a fucking
week.
And then they'd trade it in for a car worth 16 grand, maybe get seven for
theirs.
And then they'd throw another fucking nine at the other car.
Now they got a $16,000 car.
You drive around for a little bit, you fucking trade it in on a $23,000 car.
They give you fifth, whatever, and so on and so forth.
Until you trade your way all the way up to whatever fucking car you wanted.
I just look at that shit.
I mean, that's not the deepest thing, but that's the way my brain would work.
I'd be like, well, I guess I got to drive a piece of shit then.
What's the point of dealing drugs?
Right?
Or I'd just say, fuck it.
I'm buying a Ferrari and I'm going to drive it until they catch me fucking
three weeks later.
By the way, the Ferrari I like is the Ferrari California.
That's the old man one.
The fucking GT, the grand touring one, right?
I don't need to ride around in some Batmobile.
Just give me one that's shaped like a fucking Jaguar from back in the day.
Or maybe a Toyota Supra.
I remember those fucking things from the 80s.
I remember this guy loaned me his while he used my truck to move.
And I ran and I beat the shit out of his car and he beat the fuck out of my
truck.
And we both got our cars back and he's smelling rubber.
And I'm seeing all kinds of scratches all over my truck.
And we just, that's kind of a fair deal, right?
And we both got arrested for drinking and driving months later.
But that's a completely different story.
I know.
I'm all over the map.
I'm doing this late night and I don't want to be doing it right now.
But I got shit to do in the morning.
So anyways, this fucking guy, you know, if he had half a fucking brain, what
you do is you keep your day job, right?
You keep your fucking day job.
And then, you know, for anything miscellaneous, she gets to go to the parking
meters, right?
And what you do is you start storing up on the quarters.
Then every once in a while, right?
You just start, you start washing the money with your fucking cat.
I know what you do.
You fucking, you're going to stores and stuff.
Who gives a fuck, right?
You just use it to get yourself a better TV.
But what does this dope do?
He gets fucking greedy.
I don't even remember how the fucking story goes.
All I know is he just started hitting every fucking goddamn parking meter
around.
Next thing you know, he's sitting on like a fucking $2 million in quarters and
he ended up getting busted.
But there was a part of it.
I like the guy, you know.
So anyways, this gets me to the super rich on how, you know, all of that shit
about the Panama Papers and all that type of stuff.
I was talking to another friend of mine who's a fucking lawyer.
And I was like, how does that work?
Like, how do you get your money out of the country?
And then once it's out of the country, how do you make sure nobody steals it?
Like what happened to Johnny Depp's character in Blow?
And then once you have it out of the country, how do you get it back in without
just getting taxed all over again or busted?
And he said, basically, this is it.
And he broke the whole fucking thing down.
All right.
Or as far as I know, he broke an aspect of it down.
I know all you guys are sitting there right now going, oh, Jesus.
He's going to try to explain.
I am.
I'm going to try to explain some shit that was just explained to me.
And I don't really know what the fuck I'm talking about.
So let's get rid of one myth right out of the gate.
I remember a long time ago, a friend of mine had a fucking landscaping business.
And he already had a truck.
And he went out and he bought this giant fucking, you know, one of those things
with the dual wheels on the back and this fucking giant bed.
Look how you put cattle in it, 