Name: Bill Burr - Getting Mauled
Uploaded: 2016-04-19T13:46:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Mauled' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Mauled' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-19. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 18th, 2016.
What's going on, dude? How are ya?
I don't even know where to start on this fucking one.
How do you begin this one to still be sensitive?
Sensitive? There's so many sensitive stories out there.
When there's feelings, they're involved. It takes a certain level of tact when
you try to approach the subject.
This fucking lady down at the zoo in Palm Beach, Florida, rest her soul, got
attacked and killed, got mauled by a fucking tiger.
Sometimes referred to as the tiger whisperer, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada,
and all that fucking shit.
I don't know what it is about people who fall in love with wild animals.
There's nothing you can do to cure it.
It doesn't give a fuck about you. It's not a dog.
You know, falling in love with a wild animal, it's like falling in love with a
stripper.
It's just not going to end well.
It's not going to end well.
Fucking unbelievable.
Now, there's another story.
This fucking scout leader takes a bunch of Boy Scouts, takes a bunch of
children into the fucking woods.
He goes into a cave, and there's a fucking bear in there.
So the whole story is, oh, isn't it amazing that the Boy Scouts kept their
fucking cool.
The guy knew, the scout leader knew, he pulled his shirt up over his face and
then curled up into the fetal position,
which I guess is the international bear signal, like, hey, man, I don't want
any part of this, man.
And then the bear lost interest and walked away.
But at no point during all of this does anybody say, hey, what the fuck are you
bringing a bunch of kids around where there's bears just walking around?
It's bad enough if you take your kids to the fucking zoo.
The amount of times these goddamn things get loose, or at the very least, some
fatty is going to walk up to some polar bear cage,
go over the fucking thing and stand there, you know, and then get fucking snatched
by this thing.
And what does she say?
Get it, God, get it, God.
What, for you?
She fucking blew your brains out, you dope, right?
So I'm not saying the lady who died in Florida was a dope.
I'm just saying that, I don't know, you insert yourself into the situation.
And there's no good way to insert yourself into a mauling to death by a tiger,
because you know what that means.
There was also, they always just say mauled, you know, like it came up like
some prison shit and just stuck you with the shank.
It didn't.
It fucking crushed your neck.
And then it started feeding on your innards.
That's fucking brutal.
Hang on a second.
Nia?
Yeah.
Okay.
What are you doing?
You coming in?
No.
All right.
Did you lock me in?
No.
Okay.
Sorry.
She just got it.
She's freaking me out there.
Like, I got these new locks in the door.
I thought she was locking the door.
It's still early here.
And I just woke her up.
So she's going to be a little grumpy.
Nia, if you want to come in on the podcast, let me know.
Oh, that's silent spoke volumes.
You know, I'll tell you right now, getting married is kind of like falling in
love with a wild animal.
You know, as much as you love them, don't get too close to the fucking
enclosure.
Yeah, let me get back to that.
Why the fuck would you take a bunch of kids out?
Like, no, at no point does anybody address that this guy took a bunch of
fucking children out to where there's bears.
And then they watched him get fucking mauled for half a second before he took
his eyes on and yanked it over his head.
That's what you're supposed to do.
How have I been on the earth this long and not known that that's what you do
when you run into the bear?
Is it because I'm not in scouting or is it because most people are smart enough
to not be around bears, to not reenact the fucking scene from the Leonardo DiCaprio
movie?
What was it called?
The Reconte?
I don't know what the fuck it is.
The Revenant?
The Irrelevant?
Whatever the fuck it was called.
I hate when they take some big word that already exists and just makes you feel
like it's like, did they make that word up?
And it's like, no, that word has existed.
The Revenant, right?
That word has existed your entire life.
Just you and everybody you know is too dumb to walk around and use it on a
daily basis.
And yeah, it's a sad feeling.
It's a sad fucking feeling.
I forget what I was looking.
Oh, yeah.
What to do if a bear attacks you?
I can tell you right now, this is going to be 99.9% white people looking this
shit up.
It's where the dopes that go out there.
I hate to do Def Jam material, but it's fucking true.
Jesus fucking Christ.
2016 and you get mauled by a grizzly bear.
There's no excuse for that.
And you know how you know Hallmark doesn't make a card for it.
There you go.
You can go through all of that whole sympathy section.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry you got this disease.
Sorry I was a douche yesterday.
There's no fucking sorry you got mauled by a bear.
They don't because it happened so little.
So few times.
There's no reason for it.
They should really make one of those.
You know, make it even better.
It should like rhyme.
I hate to look.
I hate to stare.
But your face got mauled by a bear.
I'm really fucking sorry.
You know, something about a trolley.
Go fuck yourself.
I'll help you feel better.
Attention all zookeepers out there.
Those are not your friends.
And they don't want to be there.
And I think a lot of them realize the situation.
They're not just sitting there fucking waiting for you to give them another
fucking pile of cube steaks.
They're sitting there, even if they were born in captivity, I guarantee you
that they are sitting there with this strange feeling that there has to be more
than this.
Look at me, dude.
Look at me.
If you're a fucking tiger, even if you're a tiger born into captivity, right?
You're rolling around with somebody dressed in a safari outfit, okay?
And you bond with that person like it's your fucking mother, right?
At some fucking point.
At some point, you know, just your ego alone with all those people showing up
just to look at you, taking your picture.
There's no way to keep your four feet on the ground, you know?
And not be like, dude, why am I in a cage right now when everybody's coming up,
you know?
All I do is lay around every day and these people can't get enough looking at
me?
I mean, I mean, I'm the fucking shit, you know?
And you just start, your ego just goes fucking crazy.
And then you start looking like, you know, I don't know, you start testing.
They come in a little bit, you give them a little growl, you see it in their
face.
They got some broom handle, ah, get back, get back, right?
You just sort of, you know, first time with your paw, test the strength of that
fucking little broom handle.
Like, dude, I could snap that thing.
This guy's fucking shoulders, this guy's a pussy.
You're over there doing tiger push-ups, you know?
And then one day, you're just like, you know what?
As much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat, I have it every day and I need
to switch up the diet, you know?
How about I maul you and use your belt as some dental floss?
I know, I know what you're thinking right now.
You're probably thinking, Bill, this is really fucking insensitive.
Well, you know what?
This is how I deal with sad shit.
I joke around about it because I don't feel like thinking about everybody that
loved that woman that now can never see her again.
So, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
And then also, I like to feel that I'm being responsible by giving you some
tips on how not to, yeah, you know, get mauled to death by a bear.
I just don't understand that, like, what's so fucking funny about these goddamn
scouts?
It's like, why don't you just go in the woods?
You don't have to go into the goddamn wilderness, you know?
Who the fuck brings a bunch of kids out there?
I'll tell you, it brings a bunch of kids out there.
The kind of guy that goes out and just walks into a fucking cave, gets mauled
by a fucking bear.
Who the fuck walks into a cave in the middle of the forest?
What kind of it?
I mean, I'm not in scouting.
I never was, I can't start a fire without a match, but I can tell you right now,
my general instincts says that, you know, there's no apartment buildings out in
the fucking forest, okay?
So, a cave is like, that's like a townhouse in Brooklyn, you know?
Half these people, if they're fucking digging holes in the goddamn ground,
curling up to hibernate in that, here's a fucking cave, all right?
So, you think everybody who lives out there, that's like fucking, that's like
Beverly Hills level property.
So, who's going to get it?
The strongest, sickest, craziest motherfucker out there.
And that's a bear, you know?
You're not going to walk in there and there's going to be a little fox in there
like, it isn't.
It's going to be some fucking, it's going to be the king of the forest, which
is a bear, as far as I know.
Although, I did see a mountain lion give it a couple of fucking, you know, Pernell
Whitaker's, you know?
Remember how fast that guy was?
They would just fucking right on top of his head and a bear just sat there and
take it, you know?
He had like the head movement of late Mike Tyson rather than early and he just
took a few and then he just sort of started running away.
It was a sad day, you know?
Anyway, just imagine if you ran into a badger or a fucking wolverine.
Those lunatics.
Badgers and wolverines, they're like the Irish and the Scottish of the fucking
forest.
You know what I mean?
Those things don't even quit even if they're losing.
They just got that, I don't give a fuck.
You know?
Blood all over their face.
They're not stopping.
They're going to keep coming.
Just like the Irish and the Scottish fucking lunatics.
You don't want any part.
Any part of that.
Well, you know, I don't know.
Well, wait, you know, I never even looked at this.
Okay, bear encounters in backcountry.
If you encounter a bear on the trail or in your campsite.
Yeah, because you're cooking food.
Basically, the dinner bell of anything within fucking.
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of this fucking bear.
Oh, there's a lady fucking walking and there's a bear in the background.
Guess what color she is.
All right.
Be safe in bear habitat.
Oh, God.
This is the first sentence.
The level.
I mean, as dumb as I am.
The level of dopes that have to be coming to this website.
Listen, this is the first sentence.
It's normal to be frightened when you encounter a bear.
That's how this.
This is the jump off point.
The reality is that most encounters with bears rarely lead to aggressive
behavior and attacks are even rarer.
Here they go.
Sucking you into the forest.
You know, I mean, it happens, but generally.
Here's a great line.
They're actually more afraid of you than you are of them.
Yeah.
And what do they do when they get when they're afraid?
They either take off running or they fucking maul you to death and go, hey, you
know, here's a bonus.
The threat is gone.
And now I have a midday snack.
Remember, most bears prefer to avoid contact with humans.
That's hilarious.
They're like the champion that doesn't want to fight, you know, just trying to
hold on to the belt, backpedaling the entire time until you corner the fucking
thing.
And any bear you do see is probably just as frightened as you are.
There it is.
Every fucking.
You know what it is that bears don't have access to a mirror.
They're living in their heads, you know, they're out there by themselves, you
know, talking to themselves.
Like, oh, man, you know.
I'd love to find a cave or some shit, man.
Right.
And all of a sudden, they finally find it.
Nobody else is in here.
You can fucking chill out.
Put an L-shaped couch over here.
Get a flat screen.
And all of a sudden, this fucking guy comes walking in in his goddamn shorts.
You know what he's thinking.
He's thinking to catch a predator.
He's probably seen that show, too.
Here comes this fucking pedophile.
The bear thinks he's going to get fucked in the ass.
And next thing you know, he's on top of this guy.
Right.
And the fucking dude starts yanking his shirt over his head.
And then the bear's like, what the fuck?
This guy's a bottom.
You know, I thought this guy was trying to rape me.
And all of a sudden, he's acting like we're making love here.
And he's being all submissive.
This is fucking weirding me out.
What if he tells his friends the bear's all homophobic and then he kills him?
And, well, you know what?
There's a bunch of little kids watching it.
All right?
And that's what camping is.
And I think, you know what?
I haven't worked that out right there.
I think scouting should be illegal.
You know what I mean?
What are you doing, first of all?
You know, dressing those little boys up like little French maids, you know,
with their little scarves running around.
I mean, it's just, you wonder why you got all those sexual predators.
Sex predators?
Sexual predators.
I don't know.
Sexual chocolate?
Anyways, remain as composed as possible and follow these simple guidelines
whenever you're in bear country.
Soon, you too will have more composure when sighting a bear because you know
what to do.
Scream bloody murder and run in the other direction?
Actually, it's the exact opposite of what you want to do.
You want to remain calm and take a step towards the bear.
That shows a level of confidence.
Fucking dopes.
All right.
First one, avoid, avoid, avoid.
Yeah, like by staying in civilization.
The best way to prevent an unpleasant bear encounter is to avoid them
altogether.
Bears usually avoid people, and most people don't even know when they've come
close to a bear.
Exactly.
To ensure a surprise or unpleasant encounter with a bear doesn't occur, avoid
moving through bear habitat silently and alone.
Travel in groups, the larger the better, and make lots of noise by talking or
singing, and put the iPod away and pay attention to your surroundings.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
I don't know about that.
What if the bear's having a slow fucking couple of days and is hungry and you
start, you know, I'm singing in the rain.
Scooby-doo, be-dooby-doo.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay.
You know, and the bear starts thinking, you're like, you know what?
I think it's worth the risk.
Even though I'm scared, I think I could take that fucking 140-pound dope.
All right, when it happens, see how they wrote that?
Instead of when you're getting mauled by the bear and you feel its breath and
its fucking incisors ripping at your neck.
When it happens, that's another way of saying that.
Remain calm and ready your bear spray or other deterrent.
What is it, your underarm here?
Stay together.
If you're in a group, you will appear larger and more intimidating if you stick
together.
Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear.
Hey, that thing running at us 40 miles an hour.
If you, it's over, right?
Fucking over.
Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear.
As you will see below, grizzly bears and black bears tend to behave differently
in a given situation.
So it helps to know which species you're dealing with as it's running after you.
Give me a fucking break.
I just click here to see the difference.
Bears at a distance.
Dude, it's a fucking bear.
Look at these fucking things.
Dude, the fact that one of these things could pick up Lawrence Taylor at the
height of his fucking career and throw him through the uprights.
Get bear smart society.
These fucking people.
I don't get it.
I mean, there has to be.
Why can't you just go out in your backyard and just set up a tent?
I mean, you are still outside.
As long as you don't go inside, you are camping.
It's not the same thing, man.
I got to get out there where there's bears.
I know what to do, right?
If it's a black bear, black bear, they usually lead with the left.
You know what I mean?
They're traditional.
But a grizzly is a southpaw.
So it's going to be a little bit weird.
They definitely have a reach advantage considering when they stand up, they're
about eight feet tall.
So what you want to do is you want to stay outside his wheelhouse, okay?
And you want to circle away from his power punch.
You want to circle to your left, staying away.
The grizzlies want to load up that left.
They go for the big shot.
They try to steal around.
I'm sorry.
Am I beating this to death here?
I'm just, there's no fucking reason.
There's no reason to get killed by a tiger in the United States of America.
They don't live here.
They're only one place.
They're at the fucking zoo.
And, you know, they're in cages.
So at some point, you went into the fucking thing.
You just, you, I don't know.
Oh, my God.
What is the fucking thought when you get yanked in the second you, oh, no.
That's got to be it.
Oh, no.
Make it quick.
I mean, the shit that would go through your head.
I'm sorry.
This is getting fucking morbid.
So anyways, my condolences to the friends and families of the lady down there
in Florida.
And my condolences to the guy with the members-only jacket that he yanked up
over his fucking head.
You know, good on you, sir.
I hope, I wish you more luck as you bring children into the fucking woods.
Fucking idiot.
What is it about putting on a fucking uniform that all of a sudden you think
you know something?
I just don't get it.
Yeah, well, I have, you know, I have all my badges on my shirt.
I've been trained.
Thanks for the memories.
For he's a jolly good fella.
That's what they should be saying.
They should sing that, you know, we're never going to see you again music right
before you go into the woods just to fucking remind you of what you're walking
into.
Fucking mauled to death by a tiger.
You know, fucking, you know, attacked by a bear in the wilderness as you're
walking around with fucking 20 children that aren't yours.
I mean, that sounds like an episode of Law and Order.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Like, what the fuck were you doing out with all of those kids?
I found them.

Bill Burr - Getting Mauled

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 18th, 2016.
What's going on, dude? How are ya?
I don't even know where to start on this fucking one.
How do you begin this one to still be sensitive?
Sensitive? There's so many sensitive stories out there.
When there's feelings, they're involved. It takes a certain level of tact when
you try to approach the subject.
This fucking lady down at the zoo in Palm Beach, Florida, rest her soul, got
attacked and killed, got mauled by a fucking tiger.
Sometimes referred to as the tiger whisperer, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada,
and all that fucking shit.
I don't know what it is about people who fall in love with wild animals.
There's nothing you can do to cure it.
It doesn't give a fuck about you. It's not a dog.
You know, falling in love with a wild animal, it's like falling in love with a
stripper.
It's just not going to end well.
It's not going to end well.
Fucking unbelievable.
Now, there's another story.
This fucking scout leader takes a bunch of Boy Scouts, takes a bunch of
children into the fucking woods.
He goes into a cave, and there's a fucking bear in there.
So the whole story is, oh, isn't it amazing that the Boy Scouts kept their
fucking cool.
The guy knew, the scout leader knew, he pulled his shirt up over his face and
then curled up into the fetal position,
which I guess is the international bear signal, like, hey, man, I don't want
any part of this, man.
And then the bear lost interest and walked away.
But at no point during all of this does anybody say, hey, what the fuck are you
bringing a bunch of kids around where there's bears just walking around?
It's bad enough if you take your kids to the fucking zoo.
The amount of times these goddamn things get loose, or at the very least, some
fatty is going to walk up to some polar bear cage,
go over the fucking thing and stand there, you know, and then get fucking snatched
by this thing.
And what does she say?
Get it, God, get it, God.
What, for you?
She fucking blew your brains out, you dope, right?
So I'm not saying the lady who died in Florida was a dope.
I'm just saying that, I don't know, you insert yourself into the situation.
And there's no good way to insert yourself into a mauling to death by a tiger,
because you know what that means.
There was also, they always just say mauled, you know, like it came up like
some prison shit and just stuck you with the shank.
It didn't.
It fucking crushed your neck.
And then it started feeding on your innards.
That's fucking brutal.
Hang on a second.
Nia?
Yeah.
Okay.
What are you doing?
You coming in?
No.
All right.
Did you lock me in?
No.
Okay.
Sorry.
She just got it.
She's freaking me out there.
Like, I got these new locks in the door.
I thought she was locking the door.
It's still early here.
And I just woke her up.
So she's going to be a little grumpy.
Nia, if you want to come in on the podcast, let me know.
Oh, that's silent spoke volumes.
You know, I'll tell you right now, getting married is kind of like falling in
love with a wild animal.
You know, as much as you love them, don't get too close to the fucking
enclosure.
Yeah, let me get back to that.
Why the fuck would you take a bunch of kids out?
Like, no, at no point does anybody address that this guy took a bunch of
fucking children out to where there's bears.
And then they watched him get fucking mauled for half a second before he took
his eyes on and yanked it over his head.
That's what you're supposed to do.
How have I been on the earth this long and not known that that's what you do
when you run into the bear?
Is it because I'm not in scouting or is it because most people are smart enough
to not be around bears, to not reenact the fucking scene from the Leonardo DiCaprio
movie?
What was it called?
The Reconte?
I don't know what the fuck it is.
The Revenant?
The Irrelevant?
Whatever the fuck it was called.
I hate when they take some big word that already exists and just makes you feel
like it's like, did they make that word up?
And it's like, no, that word has existed.
The Revenant, right?
That word has existed your entire life.
Just you and everybody you know is too dumb to walk around and use it on a
daily basis.
And yeah, it's a sad feeling.
It's a sad fucking feeling.
I forget what I was looking.
Oh, yeah.
What to do if a bear attacks you?
I can tell you right now, this is going to be 99.9% white people looking this
shit up.
It's where the dopes that go out there.
I hate to do Def Jam material, but it's fucking true.
Jesus fucking Christ.
2016 and you get mauled by a grizzly bear.
There's no excuse for that.
And you know how you know Hallmark doesn't make a card for it.
There you go.
You can go through all of that whole sympathy section.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry you got this disease.
Sorry I was a douche yesterday.
There's no fucking sorry you got mauled by a bear.
They don't because it happened so little.
So few times.
There's no reason for it.
They should really make one of those.
You know, make it even better.
It should like rhyme.
I hate to look.
I hate to stare.
But your face got mauled by a bear.
I'm really fucking sorry.
You know, something about a trolley.
Go fuck yourself.
I'll help you feel better.
Attention all zookeepers out there.
Those are not your friends.
And they don't want to be there.
And I think a lot of them realize the situation.
They're not just sitting there fucking waiting for you to give them another
fucking pile of cube steaks.
They're sitting there, even if they were born in captivity, I guarantee you
that they are sitting there with this strange feeling that there has to be more
than this.
Look at me, dude.
Look at me.
If you're a fucking tiger, even if you're a tiger born into captivity, right?
You're rolling around with somebody dressed in a safari outfit, okay?
And you bond with that person like it's your fucking mother, right?
At some fucking point.
At some point, you know, just your ego alone with all those people showing up
just to look at you, taking your picture.
There's no way to keep your four feet on the ground, you know?
And not be like, dude, why am I in a cage right now when everybody's coming up,
you know?
All I do is lay around every day and these people can't get enough looking at
me?
I mean, I mean, I'm the fucking shit, you know?
And you just start, your ego just goes fucking crazy.
And then you start looking like, you know, I don't know, you start testing.
They come in a little bit, you give them a little growl, you see it in their
face.
They got some broom handle, ah, get back, get back, right?
You just sort of, you know, first time with your paw, test the strength of that
fucking little broom handle.
Like, dude, I could snap that thing.
This guy's fucking shoulders, this guy's a pussy.
You're over there doing tiger push-ups, you know?
And then one day, you're just like, you know what?
As much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat, I have it every day and I need
to switch up the diet, you know?
How about I maul you and use your belt as some dental floss?
I know, I know what you're thinking right now.
You're probably thinking, Bill, this is really fucking insensitive.
Well, you know what?
This is how I deal with sad shit.
I joke around about it because I don't feel like thinking about everybody that
loved that woman that now can never see her again.
So, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
And then also, I like to feel that I'm being responsible by giving you some
tips on how not to, yeah, you know, get mauled to death by a bear.
I just don't understand that, like, what's so fucking funny about these goddamn
scouts?
It's like, why don't you just go in the woods?
You don't have to go into the goddamn wilderness, you know?
Who the fuck brings a bunch of kids out there?
I'll tell you, it brings a bunch of kids out there.
The kind of guy that goes out and just walks into a fucking cave, gets mauled
by a fucking bear.
Who the fuck walks into a cave in the middle of the forest?
What kind of it?
I mean, I'm not in scouting.
I never was, I can't start a fire without a match, but I can tell you right now,
my general instincts says that, you know, there's no apartment buildings out in
the fucking forest, okay?
So, a cave is like, that's like a townhouse in Brooklyn, you know?
Half these people, if they're fucking digging holes in the goddamn ground,
curling up to hibernate in that, here's a fucking cave, all right?
So, you think everybody who lives out there, that's like fucking, that's like
Beverly Hills level property.
So, who's going to get it?
The strongest, sickest, craziest motherfucker out there.
And that's a bear, you know?
You're not going to walk in there and there's going to be a little fox in there
like, it isn't.
It's going to be some fucking, it's going to be the king of the forest, which
is a bear, as far as I know.
Although, I did see a mountain lion give it a couple of fucking, you know, Pernell
Whitaker's, you know?
Remember how fast that guy was?
They would just fucking right on top of his head and a bear just sat there and
take it, you know?
He had like the head movement of late Mike Tyson rather than early and he just
took a few and then he just sort of started running away.
It was a sad day, you know?
Anyway, just imagine if you ran into a badger or a fucking wolverine.
Those lunatics.
Badgers and wolverines, they're like the Irish and the Scottish of the fucking
forest.
You know what I mean?
Those things don't even quit even if they're losing.
They just got that, I don't give a fuck.
You know?
Blood all over their face.
They're not stopping.
They're going to keep coming.
Just like the Irish and the Scottish fucking lunatics.
You don't want any part.
Any part of that.
Well, you know, I don't know.
Well, wait, you know, I never even looked at this.
Okay, bear encounters in backcountry.
If you encounter a bear on the trail or in your campsite.
Yeah, because you're cooking food.
Basically, the dinner bell of anything within fucking.
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of this fucking bear.
Oh, there's a lady fucking walking and there's a bear in the background.
Guess what color she is.
All right.
Be safe in bear habitat.
Oh, God.
This is the first sentence.
The level.
I mean, as dumb as I am.
The level of dopes that have to be coming to this website.
Listen, this is the first sentence.
It's normal to be frightened when you encounter a bear.
That's how this.
This is the jump off point.
The reality is that most encounters with bears rarely lead to aggressive
behavior and attacks are even rarer.
Here they go.
Sucking you into the forest.
You know, I mean, it happens, but generally.
Here's a great line.
They're actually more afraid of you than you are of them.
Yeah.
And what do they do when they get when they're afraid?
They either take off running or they fucking maul you to death and go, hey, you
know, here's a bonus.
The threat is gone.
And now I have a midday snack.
Remember, most bears prefer to avoid contact with humans.
That's hilarious.
They're like the champion that doesn't want to fight, you know, just trying to
hold on to the belt, backpedaling the entire time until you corner the fucking
thing.
And any bear you do see is probably just as frightened as you are.
There it is.
Every fucking.
You know what it is that bears don't have access to a mirror.
They're living in their heads, you know, they're out there by themselves, you
know, talking to themselves.
Like, oh, man, you know.
I'd love to find a cave or some shit, man.
Right.
And all of a sudden, they finally find it.
Nobody else is in here.
You can fucking chill out.
Put an L-shaped couch over here.
Get a flat screen.
And all of a sudden, this fucking guy comes walking in in his goddamn shorts.
You know what he's thinking.
He's thinking to catch a predator.
He's probably seen that show, too.
Here comes this fucking pedophile.
The bear thinks he's going to get fucked in the ass.
And next thing you