Name: Bill Burr - The Sciatic Nerve
Uploaded: 2016-04-22T13:40:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Sciatic Nerve' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Sciatic Nerve' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-22. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking on here just checking in on you i'm
officially out
of ways to say that there's a hole in there's a hole in the wall in this
fucking room these guys
fixed the pipes because there was galvanized piping in here and uh i never got
this hole fixed
just fucking realized that that's how fucked up my house is you know what i
realized i talk about my
house so much that there's somebody sitting there going like eventually he's
gonna run out of money
probably right when the house is 98 fixed and i'm gonna swoop in and buy it and
he's gone in
and redone everything redid everything um speaking of which i got the epoxy
floor put in on my gym i
went downstairs to look at it i was like oh boy oh boy would you look at that
floor you can eat off of
oh boy oh boy and i went in there boom boom boom boom it was bubbles so they
got to add another layer
because you know my floor is not level and all this fucking shit we've got to
float the floor that's
gonna cost you all this money maybe we just fill in the cracks another grand
out the window see ya
i don't even care anymore i just laugh now when contractors come up to me what
do you what do you
want what do you want it's like that old robin williams story that if you just
walked up to him
at some point you said hey man uh robin i'm a comedian he would just write you
a check for 100 bucks
hey sorry sorry if i riffed on some of your my apologies this is what i do now
when contractors
show up yeah yeah i know well how much this time can i just go into my pocket
or do i need the
checkbook do i got to write numbers on a piece of paper it just never ends it
never ends and meanwhile
meanwhile as i wait for the gym to be made i am sitting in the writer's room uh
doing efforts for
family and two things have happened i'm i'm putting on writer's room weight my
gym isn't
fucking made and uh you know i'm fucking uh i i feel like the last i don't know
if i'm talking to
you guys about my my fucking left leg my hamstrings like tightened up you know
you ever see the guy
run down the first baseline all of a sudden hey hey he starts fucking hopping
or that guy in the celtics
in game one you're running up the court he just fucking collapses i was like oh
did i did i
literally pull a hamstring doing stand-up because god knows i haven't been
working out and um and you
know what i ended up figuring it out what it was is uh it's from sitting down
in the writer's room like i
guess sitting is not healthy it's one of the most unhealthy things you could do
i guess your body's
not designed the way that we sit the way that we've made chairs just plop your
ass down whatever it is
blood flow i don't know what the fuck it is so all uh billy butt cheeks here
now i got a problem with
my sciatic nerve on my left side so i literally had to have my lovely wife buy
one of those foam rollers
right this is how old i am it's from sitting all right and you literally i
looked up some lady on the
internet who had like i looked up the proper way to do it before i did it
because i know that you can
your body up like people get these things and they just start rolling around on
them
and i immediately learned first thing you don't want to roll over joints there's
all this and there's
all this proper form so i went through about two or three videos till i got to
somebody who all the
comments were like oh my god your form's perfect and all that so i was i was
watching this woman
so basically what i do is i sit down on the thing and then cross my legs as she
says cowboy style not
lady like cowboy style which is basically like if i was wearing a skirt my
balls would be hanging out
right sorry for the visual um you sit like that and then you sort of put your
weight on one side and
you and you and i gotta tell you dude the fucking pain that i was in it isn't
like a uh it it isn't
like a like a severe pain it was like if you had an older brother and you know
when he would be
fucking with you and i'd sort of start twisting your arm you'd be like ah like
that that type of a
fucking paint and um i gotta tell you the the foam roller is a goddamn game
changer
but if i didn't have to go and but the thing is i kind of work it out and it's
fine hey work it out
you know but then i go and i i'm in a writer's room all day so i keep trying to
stand up on that
type of shit and i'm feeling like it's two steps forward and one step back but
i'm at least moving
in the right direction so i just putting that out there if you do um have any
of those types of
problems uh get one of those this has been working for me i should say i'm not
a doctor and i don't
play one on tv but this has been working for me and if you're young uh i would
start doing yoga as
soon as you can it's um i'm telling you i i've known this forever but i i just
get bored with
shit i'll do yoga and be like i'm just gonna do yoga like every fucking day and
then i just get burned
out and then i'm like you know what fuck yoga you know i get mad at yoga rather
than myself for being
totally obsessed with shit for like 10 days until i just you know i did that
with chipotle a long time
ago when i lived in new york city you know if you ever moved to new york city
which i hope you do
everybody should try and live there it's great you know until you get into your
30s and
it's like oh am i going to be one of those cat people i got to get out of here
right i want some
space you know um but when you live there you know you start ordering out this
is how it works you move
there you're terrified like how the am i going to afford to live here and you
eat spaghetti every
night right and then you start making a little more money and every once in a
while you take a cab
and you're like oh my god i'm taking a cab this is amazing and then you get
back to your apartment
and you have all this guilt because you blew all that money and you could have
just spent you know
whatever the it was back in the day it was like a dollar 25 to take the subway
yeah i know that's how
old i am um and then you start making a little more money then all of a sudden
you start ordering out
right you start ordering out you start to get to know all the restaurants and
all that type of
shit and then once you have the money to order out what immediately happens is
it's just a radius
within which that they'll deliver and you burn out every fucking restaurant
around you and then you
become then you're officially a new yorker when you're living in manhattan and
you're
bitching that there's no good restaurants in your neighborhood um there's no
good italian you can't
get good italian i don't understand why i mean there's so many people here if
the foot traffic
alone why don't they put in an italian fucking restaurant you start flipping
out like whatever
your favorite food is you're bitching that it's not there um so whatever so
this chipotle ends up
opening up after i tried every fucking restaurant 15 times in my little fucking
three block radius
and i went to that fucking thing like i swear to god i went there like i don't
know maybe 11 days in
a month i i'll never forget how i felt that last time i felt like i was at the
end of like a food
eating contest where you were just telling your jaw to keep moving up and down
where the rest of your
body was like uh can we just uh puke now and um i don't think i've ever i don't
think i've been there
since chipotle and thai food it was a thai food restaurant down the street and
i remember i ordered it
and it was delicious and then it sat in my fridge for two three days and i said
hey you know what i
think i do i'll do i'm gonna eat that three day old thai food see how that does
and i got food poisoning
and um rather than being the mature person and taking the responsibility on my
end i blame thai
food i was like thai food i'm never eating thai food again i didn't eat that
for like 10 years
and then uh you know eventually we came back we were uh we were able to smooth
things over you know
like guns and roses you know what i mean it was exact same thing exact same
trajectory i had with
thai food um band members and guns and roses had with axl rose and now they're
all back together
and evidently the shows have been great um they played mexico city
the other night and uh i would have loved to have gone down to that gone to
that show had a great
time then get kidnapped you know wouldn't that be great mexico city scares the
out of me
any mexico people mexicans uh real ones real ones i don't mean the ones here in
la i mean the real
deal you're in mexico you know what i mean like i'm german-irish but i don't
live in deutschland
or the emerald isle you know what i mean i lived in massachusetts i i went to
friendlies you know i'm not
a kraut right so let me let me ask you this because it's right there it's a
quick plane
right away there's all these beautiful places to go and then there's all these
other up places
to go i don't know where to go i don't know where to go um and uh you know all
they show about you
guys is the drug cartels peeling people's faces back you know and i know there's
no way all of mexico
everybody's just walking around peeling off each other's faces i know there's
no way that that's
happening i know there's it's like here i bet people outside of this country
think everybody walks
down the street with a gun on their hip you know when they don't have money for
a toll they shoot
the guy in the toll booth and then some stagecoach comes in i don't know what
the they think right or
they think we're in and and we're all 300 pounds and we're on meth right we don't
know where england
is all that like that snobby european where they just think they're so cultured
you know what i mean with their little ass countries over there that's driving
and everybody go over to europe i love when they say like that
you know you guys don't know about the world it's like neither do you
you don't know what the is going on over in asia
you know what's going on right in your little area but your little area for me
would just be the east coast but for you it's like 15 different countries
belgium and luxembourg i mean you can walk through those two countries you can
sleepwalk through those
two countries from amsterdam and end up in france and be like well oh i gotta
go to work
and then jog back um having said that i'd love to go to both places oh the big
phony covering his
tracks i was gonna go to your show in belgium but after you talked about how
small we were now i'm not
going um controversy on social media today when one person in belgium took
offense um so anyways they're
redoing the floors again so i end up getting bubbles b is for bubbles remember
that sesame street bubbles
bubbles bubbles bubbles it is for brother who bought you something there was
that guy with the puberty voice
harmonizing i think it was supposed to sound like a beach boy type thing but it
didn't it was just
it used to make me like angry when i was a kid see if i can find that for you
guys and i'll start playing it
um so anyways as always i never let myself get too out of shape and i need to
drop about 10 pounds so um
oh freaking uh freckles here despite the fact uh the gym isn't made yet
and i gotta go to work every day i'm gonna try to lose two pounds a week
i'm back up to 180 everybody and i've been eating well the last couple of days
and always the first
couple days the fact that if you just eat well you drop a couple so i got on
the scale yesterday it
said 177 so i must have ate like a tub of the night before when i got on at 180
so i'm about 178
so i'm just gonna go back down to 168 um be right around the time for my
birthday
and uh you know two pounds that's easy right a couple of push-ups you know what
i mean i'll go on my
stupid foam roller oh my god i you know what i'm so old i think i have to bring
it to work
how hilarious is that i'm going to walk in with that thing at work and and i'm
going to walk in
to a room full of comedy writers do you understand the pounding that i'm going
to take
i'm going to get that's going to actually up our work for today because they're
going to spend the
first two hours trashing me um and what am i going to do other than take it
that's it there's nothing i can do my

Bill Burr - The Sciatic Nerve

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking on here just checking in on you i'm
officially out
of ways to say that there's a hole in there's a hole in the wall in this
fucking room these guys
fixed the pipes because there was galvanized piping in here and uh i never got
this hole fixed
just fucking realized that that's how fucked up my house is you know what i
realized i talk about my
house so much that there's somebody sitting there going like eventually he's
gonna run out of money
probably right when the house is 98 fixed and i'm gonna swoop in and buy it and
he's gone in
and redone everything redid everything um speaking of which i got the epoxy
floor put in on my gym i
went downstairs to look at it i was like oh boy oh boy would you look at that
floor you can eat off of
oh boy oh boy and i went in there boom boom boom boom it was bubbles so they
got to add another layer
because you know my floor is not level and all this fucking shit we've got to
float the floor that's
gonna cost you all this money maybe we just fill in the cracks another grand
out the window see ya
i don't even care anymore i just laugh now when contractors come up to me what
do you what do you
want what do you want it's like that old robin williams story that if you just
walked up to him
at some point you said hey man uh robin i'm a comedian he would just write you
a check for 100 bucks
hey sorry sorry if i riffed on some of your my apologies this is what i do now
when contractors
show up yeah yeah i know well how much this time can i just go into my pocket
or do i need the
checkbook do i got to write numbers on a piece of paper it just never ends it
never ends and meanwhile
meanwhile as i wait for the gym to be made i am sitting in the writer's room uh
doing efforts for
family and two things have happened i'm i'm putting on writer's room weight my
gym isn't
fucking made and uh you know i'm fucking uh i i feel like the last i don't know
if i'm talking to
you guys about my my fucking left leg my hamstrings like tightened up you know
you ever see the guy
run down the first baseline all of a sudden hey hey he starts fucking hopping
or that guy in the celtics
in game one you're running up the court he just fucking collapses i was like oh
did i did i
literally pull a hamstring doing stand-up because god knows i haven't been
working out and um and you
know what i ended up figuring it out what it was is uh it's from sitting down
in the writer's room like i
guess sitting is not healthy it's one of the most unhealthy things you could do
i guess your body's
not designed the way that we sit the way that we've made chairs just plop your
ass down whatever it is
blood flow i don't know what the fuck it is so all uh billy butt cheeks here
now i got a problem with
my sciatic nerve on my left side so i literally had to have my lovely wife buy
one of those foam rollers
right this is how old i am it's from sitting all right and you literally i
looked up some lady on the
internet who had like i looked up the proper way to do it before i did it
because i know that you can
your body up like people get these things and they just start rolling around on
them
and i immediately learned first thing you don't want to roll over joints there's
all this and there's
all this proper form so i went through about two or three videos till i got to
somebody who all the
comments were like oh my god your form's perfect and all that so i was i was
watching this woman
so basically what i do is i sit down on the thing and then cross my legs as she
says cowboy style not
lady like cowboy style which is basically like if i was wearing a skirt my
balls would be hanging out
right sorry for the visual um you sit like that and then you sort of put your
weight on one side and
you and you and i gotta tell you dude the fucking pain that i was in it isn't
like a uh it it isn't
like a like a severe pain it was like if you had an older brother and you know
when he would be
fucking with you and i'd sort of start twisting your arm you'd be like ah like
that that type of a
fucking paint and um i gotta tell you the the foam roller is a goddamn game
changer
but if i didn't have to go and but the thing is i kind of work it out and it's
fine hey work it out
you know but then i go and i i'm in a writer's room all day so i keep trying to
stand up on that
type of shit and i'm feeling like it's two steps forward and one step back but
i'm at least moving
in the right direction so i just putting that out there if you do um have any
of those types of
problems uh get one of those this has been working for me i should say i'm not
a doctor and i don't
play one on tv but this has been working for me and if you're young uh i would
start doing yoga as
soon as you can it's um i'm telling you i i've known this forever but i i just
get bored with
shit i'll do yoga and be like i'm just gonna do yoga like every fucking day and
then i just get burned
out and then i'm like you know what fuck yoga you know i get mad at yoga rather
than myself for being
totally obsessed with shit for like 10 days until i just you know i did that
with chipotle a long time
ago when i lived in new york city you know if you ever moved to new york city
which i hope you do
everybody should try and live there it's great you know until you get into your
30s and
it's like oh am i going to be one of those cat people i got to get out of here
right i want some
space you know um but when you live there you know you start ordering out this
is how it works you move
there you're terrified like how the am i going to afford to live here and you
eat spaghetti every
night right and then you start making a little more money and every once in a
while you take a cab
and you're like oh my god i'm taking a cab this is amazing and then you get
back to your apartment
and you have all this guilt because you blew all that money and you could have
just spent you know
whatever the it was back in the day it was like a dollar 25 to take the subway
yeah i know that's how
old i am um and then you start making a little more money then all of a sudden
you start ordering out
right you start ordering out you start to get to know all the restaurants and
all that type of
shit and then once you have the money to order out what immediately happens is
it's just a radius
within which that they'll deliver and you burn out every fucking restaurant
around you and then you
become then you're officially a new yorker when you're living in manhattan and
you're
bitching that there's no good restaurants in your neighborhood um there's no
good italian you can't
get good italian i don't understand why i mean there's so many people here if
the foot traffic
alone why don't they put in an italian fucking restaurant you start flipping
out like whatever
your favorite food is you're bitching that it's not there um so whatever so
this chipotle ends up
opening up after i tried every fucking restaurant 15 times in my little fucking
three block radius
and i went to that fucking thing like i swear to god i went there like i don't
know maybe 11 days in
a month i i'll never forget how i felt that last time i felt like i was at the
end of like a food
eating contest where you were just telling your jaw to keep moving up and down
where the rest of your
body was like uh can we just uh puke now and um i don't think i've ever i don't
think i've been there
since chipotle and thai food it was a thai food restaurant down the street and
i remember i ordered it
and it was delicious and then it sat in my fridge for two three days and i said
hey you know what i
think i do i'll do i'm gonna eat that three day old thai food see how that does
and i got food poisoning
and um rather than being the mature person and taking the responsibility on my
end i blame thai
food i was like thai food i'm never eating thai food again i didn't eat that
for like 10 years
and then uh you know eventually we came back we were uh we were able to smooth
things over you know
like guns and roses you know what i mean it was exact same thing exact same
trajectory i had with
thai food um band members and guns and roses had with axl rose and now they're
all back together
and evidently the shows have been great um they played mexico city
the other night and uh i would have loved to have gone down to that gone to
that show had a great
time then get kidnapped you know wouldn't that be great mexico city scares the
out of me
any mexico people mexicans uh real ones real ones i don't mean the ones here in
la i mean the real
deal you're in mexico you know what i mean like i'm german-irish but i don't
live in deutschland
or the emerald isle you know what i mean i lived in massachusetts i i went to
friendlies you know i'm not
a kraut right so let me let me ask you this because it's right there it's a
quick plane
right away there's all these beautiful places to go and then there's all these
other up places
to go i don't know where to go i don't know where to go um and uh you know all
they show about you
guys is the drug cartels peeling people's faces back you know and i know there's
no way all of mexico
everybody's just walking around peeling off each other's faces i know there's
no way that that's
happening i know there's it's like here i bet people outside of this country
think everybody walks
down the street with a gun on their hip you know when they don't have money for
a toll they shoot
the guy in the toll booth and then some stagecoach comes in i don't know what
the they think right or
they think we're in and and we're all 300 pounds and we're on meth right we don't
know where england
is all that like that snobby european where they just think they're so cultured
you know what i mean with their little ass countries over there that's driving
and everybody go over to europe i love when they say like that
you know you guys don't know about the world it's like neither do you
you don't know what the is going on over in asia
you know what's going on right in your little area but your little area for me
would just be the east coast but for you it's like 15 different countries
belgium and luxembourg i mean you can walk through those two countries you can
sleepwalk through those
two countries from amsterdam and end up in france and be like well oh i gotta
go to work
and then jog back um having said that i'd love to go to both places oh the big
phony covering his
tracks i was gonna go to your show in belgium but after you talked about how
small we were now i'm not
going um controversy on social media today when one person in belgium took
offense um so anyways they're
redoing the floors again so i end up getting bubbles b is for bubbles remember
that sesame street bubbles
bubbles bubbles bubbles it is for brother who bought you something there was
that guy with the puberty voice
harmonizing i think it was supposed to sound like a beach boy type thing but it
didn't it was just
it used to make me like angry when i was a kid see if i can find that for you
guys and i'll start playing it
um so anyways as always i never let myself get too out of shape and i need to
drop about 10 pounds so um
oh freaking uh freckles here despite the fact uh the gym isn't made yet
and i gotta go to work every day i'm gonna try to lose two pounds a week
i'm back up to 180 everybody and i've been eating well the last couple of days
and always the first
couple days the fact that if you just eat well you drop a couple so i got on
the scale yesterday it
said 177 so i must have ate like a tub of the night before when i got on at 180
so i'm about 178
so i'm just gonna go back down to 168 um be right around the time for my
birthday
and uh you know two pounds that's easy right a couple of push-ups you know what
i mean i'll go on my
stupid foam roller oh my god i you know what i'm so old i think i have to bring
it to work
how hilarious is that i'm going to walk i