Name: Bill Burr - Self Driving Cars, Protesters, And Bicyclist
Uploaded: 2016-04-29T13:34:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Self Driving Cars, Protesters, And Bicyclist' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Self Driving Cars, Protesters, And Bicyclist' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-29. Transcript available.

basically everything that i'm going to be talking about over the next couple of
months
it's going to be whatever i look out the window and see while we're writing f
is for family
so anyways um the other day we're in the writer's room actually yesterday and
all of a sudden we
just hear like this fucking commotion right and we look out our windows and
there's all these
protesters just walking down the fucking taking up like a street you know a
lane of the street like
you know like bike riders do now you know what i mean when they ride down the
street if there's
two of them rather than riding single file they ride side by side because they
want to talk and
you know fuck the 50 cars that are behind them oh and then by the way if they
actually get hit
it's this major fucking tragedy like oh my god can can you fucking believe that
happened
yes i can totally believe that happened completely a bicycle is simply a
motorcycle without an engine
that's what you're riding around on but i know you're dressed up like you're in
the tour de france
you know you're feeling a little european like that dude and breaking away
maybe you're speaking in
italian and you kind of forget that you're riding a bicycle out in the street
in los angeles home to
arguably some of the worst drivers on the planet all right and i've always gone
off on technology and
shit and saying i don't like it saying like we had enough technology somewhere
around the early 90s
we should have stopped right about there you let people die off stop trying to
cure fucking diseases
stop making new technology that everybody has to go out and go buy let's just
stop right fucking here
okay i mean can you remember the early 90s it was fucking great it was fine
cars were fast enough
everything was fine you didn't have to go any further than that wasn't it
better when everybody
wasn't on the fucking internet i think it was even though i'm sitting here on
the internet right now
i'd be willing to walk away from this shit it's a fucking great time everything
you did wasn't filmed
it wasn't fucking recorded there wasn't some satellite pointing at you tracking
you down the streets
you try to get to a dairy queen but also the illuminati can fucking take you
out because they
probably own that satellite you know turn on some chip in your car make you
drive into a fucking tree
you know make what people these are very mainstream stories here um anyways um
these fucking pro they
must have had a permit because there was a cop in front of them and behind them
and they're just walking
down the street and i gotta tell you something all right i'm all for the
working man i'm all for that
type of shit but the second you go out in the fucking street and you start
blocking traffic i don't give
a shit if you're trying to save babies i hate you and i want to i want to rent
a cement truck and run you
over like i was sitting in an office they weren't causing me any trouble and
just the empathy that i had
for the people trying to drive around them made me want somebody to just fish
tail into the fucking crowd
so if you've ever been in a protest let me ask you this question
isn't the objective to not only call attention to whatever it is you're
complaining about but then
don't you want people to listen and then be like oh wow i didn't know that was
going on
you know so why would you annoy the shit out of everybody by like clogging up
traffic to me it's
no different than fucking terrorists a lot of times whatever terrorists are
bitching about i'm like
yeah i can i i totally understand why you're upset about that but then go and
blow up a bunch of
innocent people i'm just like yeah well that's not the way you solve it right
am i oversimplifying this
it's like we don't fly over there and drop bombs and oops did that land on your
baby yeah we were
trying to get the bad guy sorry your baby was within a 30 mile radius i don't
know um anyways
do you guys have that do you have do you have like like i actually enjoy riding
a bike but uh i am an
old-school bike rider like i ride up on the sidewalk i don't wear a helmet um
you know i don't ride 90
miles an hour down the sidewalk and i don't care when people who walk on the
sidewalk give me a dirty look
it's just like i'm not going out there i'm not going out there in traffic
because i know everybody
out there is like me and they're texting while they're driving or they're
fucking air drumming
you know god knows how many people are out there on prescription pills
to go out there on a fucking motorcycle without an engine is is really fucking
stupid
you know and um i feel like this thing with like bike riders they have this
thing where they feel
like they're these victims and uh i i find them way way more hostile
considering the position that they're in and they have this whole fucking you
will respect me
and i have just as much as a right to be out here which you do you do i mean
even though there is no
bike lane they just paint painted a bicycle on the street so they could get the
federal grant that's
the only reason why they do that right and then uh you know all right so you
have a right to be out
there but then you have to obey the rules of the road and 99 of you don't when's
the last time you
saw a guy in a bicycle actually stop at a red light they never do they never do
they look both
ways they fucking glide right through the fucking thing and then if they get
hit then they frost
the bicycle like oh can you believe that happened what a poor baby um i don't
know i have to tell
you though people who ride bicycles out here in los angeles are out of their
fucking minds and i am
so anti those fucking cars that are going to drive themselves um until i go on
the highways out
here in los angeles i'm just like you know what i really think it should be i
think if you if you
suck at driving they should just take your right to drive away you can still
have a car but the car
will drive for you because you suck at it you know what i mean but i think if
you're actually
a decent driver you should then be allowed to continue driving so i think if
you got rid of
people who sucked at driving right off the bat conservatively speaking i'd say
that's at least
30 percent of drivers you know and then i think that middle you know 30 to 35
percent will just have the
option because there's a lot of people that are actually decent at driving but
if they're like dude
if i could just fucking take a nap and just sleep on the way to work for 45
minutes and just wake up
when i'm there i would rather do that so you figure it at least half of them
are going to do it initially
and then a half of those halves are going to be like well he has a self-driving
car i you know grass
is always greener i want one of those too and then i think you'll just
basically get down to 18 percent
of people that actually truly enjoy driving and um we'll get our own lane look
this is my dream we get
our own lane we get to drive as fast as we want and you guys are just all in
robot cars you know and
then everybody who actually still continues to drive those are the people that
you know when they're the
first guy to make a left they get way out to the intersection they feel a sense
of responsibility
that two cars behind them will make it those types of people you know those
people that that
realize the further left you go the faster you go and if somebody's on your
bumper you don't slam on
the brakes you get over that person's obviously in more of a here uh hurry than
you are you
let them go those well that's probably 18 percent of drivers wouldn't you say
you like how i just
painted myself as the hero and all that oh yeah i'm one of the guys i'm one of
the guys that knows how
to do the things correctly all right that's the podcast for this thursday have
a wonderful weekend
you cunts if uh you're protesting and you want my support stay up on the
sidewalk if you're riding
a bicycle please be careful and ride single file and have some courtesy for the
people behind you
and if there's a red light why don't you stop at the thing okay and stop
wearing aerodynamic
all right it doesn't make you any faster and there's nothing at stake all right
ah what a douche