Name: Bill Burr - Shoot Matches
Uploaded: 2016-04-29T13:43:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Shoot Matches' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Shoot Matches' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-04-29. Transcript available.

Yeah, I got to tell you something I found the other day when I was on YouTube.
Any wrestling fans out there?
Anybody old like me used to watch fucking Tony Gurria and Larry Zbysko?
Ivan Putzky and Bulldog Brower and Pat Patterson and Ted DiBiase, the Intercontinental
Champion?
You know, Dusty Rhodes?
Mr. Fuji, Mr. Saito, the Moondogs?
George the Animal Steel, Superstar Billy Graham, Bob Backlund, Bruno San Martino,
Greg the Hammer, Valentine.
I can't remember how many of these fucking guys I still remember.
Tony Atlas, Jimmy Superfly Snooker.
I still remember their finishing moves.
Tony Atlas would just fucking basically do a military press with you.
He'd just pick you up over his head and he'd fucking throw you.
Right?
Andre the Giant would just put his giant fucking size 48 foot.
He'd throw you off the ropes and just stick it right in your face and he'd sit
on you.
Ivan Putzky had the Polish Hammer.
Greg Valentine had the figure four leg lock.
That's the first time I ever threw out my back.
This kid when I was in fourth grade showed me how to do the figure four leg
lock by putting me into it and it was fucking killing my knee.
And I was trying to get up to get my, free my leg from putting pressure on my
kneecap.
And that's the first time I fucked up my lower back.
Had a bad back since the lower, since the, uh, bad lower back since the, uh,
the fourth grade.
Um, Chief J Strombo would do the fucking rain dance.
That wasn't too fucking racist, was it?
Once he did that, he went into this crazy fucking, he couldn't feel pain
anymore.
And then he kicked the shit out of you.
Uh, all right, enough of that shit.
So I was just looking up some of the old wrestling, um, stuff that I used to
watch.
SD Jones, Special Delivery Jones.
The guy never fucking won.
He was the most coolest fucking guy ever.
Um, anyways, Mr. Wonderful.
Roddy Roddy Piper.
I fucking love all those guys.
So anyways, um, I was, I never heard of this before, but you have, those of you
who aren't fans of wrestling,
have, uh, there's this thing called a shoot match, which is basically, you know,
wrestling.
It's sports entertainment.
When I was a kid, they used to argue that it was real.
And then finally they said, no, it's fake.
But, but what was great was once they said it was fake, they could actually
talk about all the real pain that they go through.
So I was kind of just watching some YouTube videos about that.
And I came across this stuff called a shoot match.
So I was like, what the hell is a shoot match?
And a shoot match is basically a wrestling match where they're fake fighting
and then somebody gets pissed at somebody else and it becomes a real fight.
And what usually happens from the few that I saw is if the person's just not a
complete roid, roided up psycho, um, what it really is, is either somebody's
not selling your moves.
Like I'm fake punching you and you're just acting like it's not hurting.
So you're making me look like an asshole or somebody, you know, you are, you're
allowing somebody to throw you and do a move and they botch it and fuck, fuck
you up and hurt you.
And then you get mad.
Um, I saw one with this guy, this kid was new when he went to do execute some
fucking throw.
And this guy was just a psycho.
He didn't look like he landed that bad and he got up and just beat the fuck out
of this guy.
Just threw him head first out of the ring.
The guy landed on his fucking head and immediately had a concussion.
Then he picked the guy up and threw him into the metal stairs.
And this guy kept selling, he didn't, I guess he didn't have to sell the moves
at that point, but that one was fucking brutal.
But the funniest one that you got to see, and I'm going to have a link to it.
It's the great Antonio versus Antonio.
I hope I say it right.
So he doesn't come over and slap the shit out of me.
I knock he, um, a Japanese guy.
So the great Antonio is this guy.
I can't even describe what he looks like.
He looks like a fucking troll with a page boy haircut and he's just ridiculous.
Ridiculously fat and he's wearing the ugliest mustard colored yellow, like
sweatpants with these military boots on.
Um, just not a good looking person.
And he's, uh, wrestling this guy, Antonio Anaki, who's a Japanese guy who looks
like a fucking movie star.
You know, he's got the old school movie star chin.
He's got the Jack Lord Hawaii five Oh fucking haircut.
He's in great shape.
So they start fucking wrestling and, uh, wrestling.
And, you know, the Japanese guy is, is being a fucking professional.
And the great Antonio, who I guess had a reputation for not selling people's
moves and being selfish in the ring, you know, the Japanese guy would punch him
in his fat stomach and he wouldn't even move.
And then the fat dude would keep like punching his stomach like it's hard as a
rock and people were laughing in the crowd.
The fucking guy, like the Japanese guy throws him off the fucking ropes and the
guy just sort of stops, you know, and doesn't sell the fucking move.
And the Japanese guy's looking at him like, what the fuck?
And the crowd's laughing.
You start seeing the Japanese dude looking at him like, dude, what the fuck?
So long story short, they get a few minutes into the round.
The Japanese guy has been selling everything the fat fuck's doing.
The fat fuck's making the Japanese guy look like an idiot.
So fat fuck gets the Japanese guy against the ropes and he's punching almost
like the back of this guy's neck.
Super fucking hard.
And the guy takes like three of them before he finally like blocks the fourth
one.
And then he just snaps like, dude, what?
Like, fuck this.
And he just stands up and just open hands, slaps this fat fuck in the head as
hard as you possibly can.
And the fat page boy guy like turns his head.
It's fucking phenomenal.
And the Japanese guy's going like, making those like, come on, let's fucking
fight.
And the fat fuck's still kind of like thinking he's just going to take one.
He slaps him in the fucking head again, then grabs his leg.
Japanese dude just snaps, fucking throws him on his belly, boots him in the
fucking head.
Right now the ref is going like, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa.
So the fat fuck's crawling around like a dog.
And the Japanese guy boots him in the head again.
Now the fat guy is like fucking planking.
And he's laying down on the ground.
And the Japanese guy boots him in the head like another fucking six times.
It's almost attempted murder.
The fucking dude is a bloody mess.
They finally just called a match.
And it was one of the great pieces of justice I ever saw.
I didn't feel bad for the guy at all when he was getting booted in the head.
I was dying laughing.
If you saw how hard this fat fuck was punching this poor Japanese guy in the
back of his neck.
And the guy was taking it like a pro and finally he was just like, what the
fuck?
Because it was like he was hitting him for real.
And he wasn't selling his moves.
So I'm going to have a link for it.
If anybody else has some good ones up there, it's just a whole new part of
YouTube that, you know, if you're at work, if you're bored right now, just look
it up yourself.
Shoot matches, S-H-O-O-T matches.
And there's just some legendary ones.
And, you know, as much as they talk to wrestlers and stuff, like I never hear,
you know, I always hear, you know, about doing the road and these great matches
that they had.
And then, of course, they talk about, you know, you know, people getting the
sickness, you know, getting addicted to painkillers and drugs and all that shit.
They do all that type of shit.
But nobody talks about all these fucking wrestling matches out there that
suddenly that suddenly became real, you know, so I don't know.
I hope you enjoy it.
That's all I can say.